5 more days to my holiday trip...

Aaaaah, already in a holiday mood! Thank God we have such a long holiday before Christmas though there isn't much that we can do anyway. My dad's side of family has decided to have our family's annual Christmas lunch at my house. They said they'll provide the food, the maid (to clean up the dishes & the house) and everything. The decision came up after considering my mom's condition. They were sure that my parents will go home directly after the Christmas service in the morning, which is true. Though the result from her last check-up on Tuesday was good, she's still needs lotsa rest, especially if the wound feels painful. There's no way we're risking her collapse somewhere far from home, even if it's at a relative's house.

Anyway, I found this cute Prince of Tennis band-aid at Heritage (^__^). It's very cute, isn't it... There's Fuji, Ryoma & Kikumaru's face on it. Too bad there's no Naruto band-aid, only Doraemon.

Ok folks, enjoy your holiday, I'll be here again shortly!!

Jingle Bells...

9 more days into December! And then it's Christmas time again... how fast time flies... This year the Youth Ministry isn't going to hold its own Christmas celebration as most of us in the committee are busy being involved in our church's Chrismas Service. Unlike previous years where I was always singing or acting or being the secretary, this year I "luckily" get the role to handle multimedia with one of the senior. With my limited knowledge on this field, I have to communicate a lot with the senior and also trying to find out more from the net (@_@). It's not gonna be easy, but it's always interesting to face a new challenge (^__^). We plan to start the cabling the night of Dec 23 after the night service, hopefully it will be done on Dec 24 evening, but we have to be in church on Christmas Day at 7am in the morning as the service starts at 9:30am. I'm thinking of getting aroom in ahotel nearby as there is no way I'm going home late & leave very early, would be too troublesome.

And I just found these pics last week! It's from last year's Youth Ministry Christmas, it was awesome! The theme was "White Christmas in Japan", we decorated our church with white cloth, paper lanterns & twigs... it was great. But the main attraction was the drama... we made a set of Japanese house on the stage, and we even made trailers that we aired every week in Sunday service to promote the program! If you see the pics, I played the role of an evil stepmother, Lady Maruka. Somehow, I always got this kinda role since I was in Sunday School hahaha Do I look that evil?

I bought the pink yukata for myself, the others were borrowed. The guys were wearing my father's yukata & happi. I had to ask my mom to search his entire closet to find those. The guy playing my husband wore the white/blue yukata while the guy playing the maid wore happi. The make up artist was late to so we girls had to do the make up on our own. They guys were hopeless, they did the make up on the last minute. Too bad I can't find better pics that could show the entire decoration and part of the drama.

It was a great celebration. We got to do something different & our pastor was also satisfied with the drama. The message that we were trying to show in the drama was FORGIVENESS. Oh, I also made a blunder. A few seconds before we enter the stage for the 1st scene, the soundman informed us that the PC that has our music score & naration was crashed, so the musicians had to do it live including the naration. The moment we entered the stage, my mind went blank! I just sat there and looked at the other player and said nothing. My mind was completely blank! hahahaha There was supposed some music playing and at a certain drum rolls I had to start my line. Hearing that the recording was crashed and the musicians were playing a totally different tune, I was clueless. I was saved by my "daughter", she took one good look at me and she knew I was lost, so she started with my line. As soon as I heard her, the scenario was back in my head and there was no more mistake until the drama ended v(^0^)v

GIVE THANKS

October 29 was my dad's 69th birthday. The day before, he got his 8th DAN in Karate and we were very happy for him. In the morning, I left to work as usual, said take care to my parents as they were getting ready to take my mom to the hospital for a check up.

I was having a quick lunch around 2:00PM when I saw a missed call in my mobile. It was from my mom. So I returned the call and she informed me in a very calm manner: "The doctor told us to stop coming. I should just stay at home and to enjoy my time. The cancer already spread everywhere and there's nothing that the doctor can do about it." I just said: " Oh... ok then. How are you feeling now? Ok? I'll se you at home later." I finished my lunch and quickly returned to the office. I didn't cry.

Half an hour later my aunt called and said: "Hey, your mom just called me. Be strong for your parents! I know you can do it." That's when everything came crushing down on me. I ran and cried in the bathroom. I got back to my desk 5 minutes later after washing my face clean, there were a couple of bankers in the office and I didn't want to keep them wondering what's happened to me. 15 minutes later my boss returned to the office after a meeting, he noticed that my eyes were all red and called me into his office. He asked me what's going on, that I should be honest with him. I broke down again when I told him the news. He told me to go home to be with my parents.

While driving home I called K Atin & K El, cried all the way. When I got home my dad wasn't around, only my mom & my aunt. We tried to talk calmly but tears kept falling down uncontrollably. She told me: "I have talked to your brother. I told him to finish his college and learn to stand on his two feet. Your father is strong, I know. You are strong, I know you can handle this well too. But your brother has always been depended on me. I want you to take good care of him when I'm gone. Look after him in my place, teach him to be independent." I was speechless, i just nodded.

Around 6:00PM my uncle & his family came. We held a small service. We sang together while Krissy & I took turns playing the guitar. My uncle preached the Word of God. And we prayed. Not for her recovery, but for us to keep our faith until the end. We made a promise that we could cry as much as we wanted only that day. But the next day we have to stand strong again and be thankful that God has given us this far to be together as family. We still don't know when her time is up, it could take days, weeks, months, even years. But with each passing time, we want to give thanks to God because HE is our source of strength & joy.

Ever since that day, everyday when I get home I always have to take a look at her. Most of the time she would be in pain. I could only give her soothing words and sometimes sat by her bedside. We didn't cry as much but instead we tried to be happy and cherish each moment spent together. Amazingly, it felt great. When you really realize that you don't have much time left, and start to consider each second as a treasure... You will be able to do what you have never had courage to, to say what you've always meant to say, and to live life to the fullest as if there's no tomorrow.

In the end... GIVE THANKS! That you're still breathing when you read this post... (^___^)

Your Japanese Name Is...

Akako Hosokoawa

What's" your Japanese Name?

Hang in there, Mom!!

Aaaargggh! I hate Jakarta traffic during the fasting month! There's not a single moment where I could see Sudirman road not packed with vehicles... bankers even got to meetings late most of the time :( This is not funny anymore... the busway feeder developtment is also another reason for the bad traffic, but let's hope it would be finished soon. Or I'll have to be late to work every morning.

Lately, I didn't realize that my mom has lost so much weight. No matter how sick she got, all this time she was always keeping a happy apprearance to me. Perhaps it's my selfishness & my own fear that the more I look at her, the more I will realize how much I have lost my old mom. The more I will understand what she has lost to her illness. The more I will see parts of her slipping away.

Instead of spending more time with her, I've been keeping a distance from her by spending more time in my own room than with her. By keeping myself busy with work, church activites & socializing with my friends. This is not something that I'm proud of, in fact, I'm ashamed of myself. But looks like my fear is greater than my love for her.

A few nights ago I decided to buy dinner on the way home from work so we could have dinner together (my mom, my dad & myself). That's when I saw her dress was slipping off her shoulder. When she turned around to get some rice, I could see the outline of her shoulder bone. I cried silently in my head while trying to keep a smiling face and made some conversations with my dad. I felt so bad and even more ashamed of myself. How many times had she been in pain and instead of trying to soothe her and keep her company during the night; I complained to her that I couldn't sleep listening to her whimpering. Asked her to take her medicine and to go to bed. Instead of sitting there with her in the dark, I brushed her away and cry inside my bedroom. I'M THE BIGGEST COWARD IN THE WORLD!!

Since that very night at the dinner table, I promised myself that I would care more about her. That I would listen to her. That I don't want to have any regrets when the time comes for her to go to heaven. I want to be the best daughter for her and to be daughter that she would not feel ashamed of.

So, despite the bad traffic, last night I went to the mall to buy her a couple of bras. She's been complaining that her underwears have become too large for her, she's not comfortable wearing her bra to church. It took me 1 hour to drive to the Mall (usually 10 mins, from Sudirman to Plaza Senayan), and another frustrating 2.5 hours to get home (usually 45 mins - 1 hour). I felt like I wanna take off my legs and sleep without it!

She was already asleep in her room when I got home around 10:30PM. So I put the bras on her bedside. And all the tiredness paid off when I woke up this morning and met her at the dining room. She had a big smile on her face and said: "The bras are wonderful! They fit me well!". I kept a cool face and said: "Good". But deep down inside, I'm very very glad that I could make her happy even just for a moment.

So... HANG IN THERE, MOM!! I'll always be around for you!!

wrong timing to get sick

Like the title, I picked the wrong time to get sick... Well, not that I want to get sick! But I didn't think that it's that serious, I thought it's just regular flu 'n cough like I always had. But this time the doc said that I need at least 5 days total rest, downed to 2 days after negotiation, which I can't make anyway no matter what. Aiyah, I have so many things to prpare before the boss going for 2 weeks long Biz trip!! (@_@) But I've promised my mom that I'd stay home during the weekend (except to church). I wish I was in better condition... I really wanna go KARAOKEEEE!!!!!! Channel & Pon, entertain me please!!!!

Movies

Like I mentioned in the previous entry, I intended to spend my holiday at home... N I did! haha Got to watched a couple of dorama that channel sent me, though I got to say some didn't meet my expectation.

Anyway, I hardly watch movie in the cinema. I just don't enjoy it as much as when I watch it at home. Some movies are better to watch at the cinema, with the great sound and all. But I prefer to enjoy it at home, with more pauses for toilet breaks, bigger seat (my bed, that is), more food & drinks (^_^). But while EL was here, I went out for movies twice in a week! The Simpsons, Harry Potter & The Order of The Phoenix and almost make a hattrick with Die Hard 4! But the last one switched to dinner instead hahaha

And tell you what, I don't remember anymore what movies I've watched at the cinema before that. I remember watched Spiderman at PIM 2 because I didn't really want to watch it but my cousin already bought it for me, so I just had to go. And the boss called a couple of times in the middle of the movie, tried to ignore them until my mom sent me a text message, told me that he was called the house and looked for me ^^;

Then I watched Transformers... twice v(^0^)v First with my little cousins from my mom's side, second time with little cousins from my dad's side. And I really enjoyed both shows... I used to love the cartoon when I was little. I still remember that I wore a brand new red backpack with Tranformers' hologram on my 1st day in Junior High hahaha It was so cool...

Funny though, I was never shy wearing stuff with my fave cartoon character even at this age. I still wear Naruto T-shirt (though it's now handed down to my little cousin since the material is too thick, a bit uncomfortable for me -- but am looking for a new better one), used to have a Daffy Duck & a Tweety shirt... other than that are phone straps (Naruto, Bleach), keychains... Oh, and my biggest obsession not coming true (yet): NARUTO WRISTWATCH!! Oh, I still regretted that day that I listened to Gale not to buy it at the Hilton Matsuri!! (T_T) I even looked for it while in Singapore (both Aug & Nov trips), but it's also sold out. *sigh* me and my Naruto obsession...

Back to movies. I don't think I'm going to watch any movie at the cinema for at least the next 2 months. Nothing interests me. But that, of course, unless a friend or relative buy the ticket for me and I got no choice. Until then, I'll never run out of doramas to watch at home anyway... Channel, you are one helluva supplier!!!

FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

Hello!!!

It's Friday again and gonna have another long nighttttttt... Plan to go somewhere a bit further from the city since EL will return to his homeland tomorrow :D He just can't wait, 2 weeks is more than enough for him to be in our lovely Jakarta. Too bad he's coming for work, not enough time to browse the city & go a bit outside town where the air is fresher (I hope) and at least not so many malls around (yeah right, says who?). Hopefully next time he could for holiday and we can go on a trip together, that is - with the whole gang (Gale & Wil).

Can't wait for the Governor Election next week... not because I'm that eager to elect, but because it's been decided to be a Public Holiday! Ha3x cruel me. And I plan to spend all day at home, watching movies, reading or just being lazy in my bedroom. I need it very badly, I've had flu for awhile and cough for 3 weeks now (@_@) Wish to take a day leave if possible, but I'm really saving the holiday for the trip at the end of this year. And suddenly... time just pass us by, it's gonna be December in a blink... and I'm so ready to pack and leave! (^o^)

Last Saturday we went out for dinner at this specific place. Being the only one sobber at the end of dinner, and yet everybody claimed that they're fine! But look at this silly pic of Will as a bunny! It was so much fun though. The food was okay, but the most important thing is that we all enjoy the short night out and no work involved! :p

Here are some of the other pics we took... I have chosen the normal ones though, I don't think I want to make the other "crazy pics" public consumption... don't want to get the wrong impression from you folks... now you are curious what pics are they, aren't you? Hahahahaha

Magical Birthday

Aha! Another year just passed me by last week that made me feel so blessed (^__^). There were some unexpected sms and mails, but also expected sms that never came he3x This year's records: 31 local sms, 1 international sms, 1 e-mail, 3 phone calls, 3 birthday cakes, 1 purse, 1 Gundam Seed note book, 1 bathrobe, a pair of earrings, a book, 2 plushtoys and shopping vouchers. Great, isn't it? If you wonder why I get a bathrobe, I'm wondering myself. It's actually from my friend's children... The older one picked the bathrobe& the younger one picked the color & wrapping paper ha3x They're so cute, they even drew a flower in the card :)

And the winners would be the earrings, book & plushtoys, because it's so amazing how I got to get them. The night before I went to PS with my lil' cousin. We went around the mall and I was thinking to see something at Perlini's. But by the time we got to the stall it was already closed. Before that we went to the bookstore and I was actually holding this book and said to my Sarah: "You know, I really want to know what's inside this book after that article in Newsweek. Shall I buy this or not?" There's something inside that told me NOT to buy it though I really really want to. On the way home I was still thinking about that book.

The next day I sent my messenger to get some stuff from Channel, and what a surprise! I also got a that Perlini's earrings from her & Pon! A couple of hours later Gale sent a driver to my office to deliver my b'day presents. The moment I looked at the goodie bag, I laughed out loud in the lobby! Cause I got a very big Stitch pillow & a small one of him playing ukulele!! My God! Having Stitch plushtoys were one of my biggest obsession! I could never found a nice one in Jakarta before... And when pulled the Stitch from the bag, I saw a book and it was the same book that I almost buy the night before!! Don't you think it's amazing?? (^__^) It's a magic Birthday!

As always, during school holidays some little cousins consider my bedroom as a place to pass the time by reading or watching movies... This year no exception. Not only those from my father's side, the ones from my mom's side do the same, and if not because of my mom's condition they all want to sleepover (^__^). At least one of them still decides to do so tonight. Well, at least a nine year old girl is still ok to handle.

The 3 Naruto freak siblings went for a vacation to Central Java for a few days with their parents. We just met last Sunday in church and they said they have a surprise for me. The oldest was waiting impatiently for her brothers so they can give whatever they have for me at the same time. But finally she lost her patience and gave me the Naruto figurine that they bought at Jogja! Ha3x The younger bro gave me a hologram keychain of Gaara while the youngest gave me a Neji keychain. All three gave me a kiss on the cheek as a bonus (^o^) that made me feel so loved...

While those 3 were on holiday, I went to see TRANSFORMERS with another 4 cousins and an aunt. Bianda & Nais went with me fro my house. Matt, Cilla & Tante Koes were waiting for us at PIM already. We had a good time together... That was Nais' first visit to Jakarta so she was excited to get together with all of us. I played chaperone as the oldest since my aunt was a softie who couldn't say no the the kids :) I tell you that besides the movie was great, I meant GREAT!, we ate a lot! Errr, not me actually, the kids. From Fried Rice, Pizza, Burgers, Ice Cream, Chocolate Frappucino. I just gave some money to Matt as the oldest & the only boy among the bunch, and he's the one who walked around providing everything that the girls requested he3x And of course, as there were more girls there were also never ending trips to the toilet! Toilet before movie, toilet in the middle of movie, toilet after movie, toilet before eating, toilet after eating, toilet before driving home!! Thank God Bianda was the only 1 who's still in elementary school, the older girls took quite good care of her.

And I missed Youth Service that day... I was planning to have a meal with them after movie, drive them home and return to church. But we actually got home at 09:00PM, if not because I was so tired and they ate too much that they could barely walk to the vallet service they probably would want to stay until midnight!! Here's some pictures we made with my cell phone, we got them printed and everyone kept 1 pic in their wallets (^__^)

another mountain to climb... another battle to fight...

I don't want this post to be a gloomy post or make you feel down or bad or whatever... but I just want to share my experience and hopefully if you ever feel the same way or experience the same thing, you will all grow stronger in facing life.

2 weeks ago my mom had a stroke. When I entered the house's gate at night after a praying session at church I was a bit surprised to see my cousin's and an anonymous car outside. I could see from the window that my cousin, his son and my dad were crouching down a spot where my mom was supposed to rest at. I felt a twist in my stomach. And when I entered the house I saw my om lying down and unable to move. My cousin said she called him crying around 08PM, said that she couldn't feel her left hand. That night she threw up a couple of times. Around 11PM my cousin left and we all thought she's okay after she took the painkiller. I took a shower and my dad was in the kitchen washing dishes. The moment I stepped out of the bathroom, the living room was already full with the fruit sellers from in front of house, they said my mom collapsed in front my house. She didn't even remember why she went out in the first place.

My dad and I decided to take her to the hospital. I drove while he was holding her at the backseat. We went to Medistra's emergency room. The diagnosis was that she got vertigo, and was allowed to go home after taking a medication around 01:30AM. 3 fruit sellers accompany us at the hospital, I was so grateful for their presence. At least there is someone else to talk to while waiting for my mom's condition to get better. I slept around 02:30AM that night. After that, in 3 days my mom was on and off, when the headache hit, she couldn't even remember my little cousin and my uncle. But she got better after families came and prayed with her during those days. She's still couldn't move her left arm and walked rather unsteadily.

To make a long story short... after a CT Scan and MRI Brain, yesterday morning we finally got confirmation that she had stroke. So many causes and so many things to watch over. But the bad news didn't end there. At night, we went to see the oncologist too see the lab result of the lump on her thigh. Result: the cancer has returned and spread. This time, the only medication that can help is through chemotherapy & radiation at the same time.

My mom and I were both stayed silent in the car. The moment we got home she gotta go the bathroom to wash up because she was bleeding a lot. After that we had a talk with my dad. He seemed so shocked. Then the 3 of us prayed together, and this is like the first time in my whole life to see him so vulnerable and lamented in his prayer. As soon as I said "Amen" he ran to the bathroom to wash his face :) My mom also clearly told us that she doesn't want to to have the chemo or the radiation. This time we're going to fight together in prayer and faith. Whatever will be, we surrendered her life in God's hands. No use to force her for the chemo if it's going to make her depressed.

There are so many mix up feeling that I felt during the last 2,5 weeks. The first thing that hit me was when my little cousin called me and told me sadly that she didn't remember her face when she came. And she was like the closest cousin of mine! And she was the kind of person who remembers everybody's birthday & anniversary! The hit was harder last week when I had to buy diapers for her. She couldn't go back and forth to the bathroom in her condition, thus the decision with diapers. I didn't feel anything when I entered the supermarket or when I spotted the diapers rack. My hand started to tremble when I was trying to decide the right size for the adult diaper. Then I broke down. Never in my life have I imagine that one day I would have to buy diapers for any of my parents. They were both never got sick seriously except for some flu & fever. It's just... never crossed my mind I would eventually have to decide a diaper's size for her.

The first week after the stroke atack, I still felt that the situation was too hard for me. That it's some kind of a burden upon my shoulder. Then wisdom came unsexpectedly from a good friend of mine. She said: "It is a priviledge to be able to take care of your parents because not everybody can do it. I can't do it for my parents, they don't need me. I don't live with them, they have their own money and they can take care of themselves. But you, you have the honour to do something and return the favor to them." The words stung. And I questioned myself, "What have I done to return what they have done for me in my entire 32 years of life?". So this is it. The burden has become lighter now. This is my opportunity to let my parents know how precious they are to me. By taking care of them. And no, it's not that I don't think it's hard anymore, it's still hard. But at least I know that when worse come to worst, I have done everything that I could do for her. Probably not my best, but with all my heart. And I know she undertands.

She's trying to be strong and keep a cool surface in front of me & my dad, but I know she broke down inside. She may not be the perfect mother, but she is my mother in every way. I'm not trying to be a saint, I'm so far from one. But when the time has come, I want to be able to say that I am also her daughter in every way.

Monday morning... another battle...

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

It's been such a hardwork to come to the office on Monday morning lately... Dunno why... probably didn't have enough rest or sleep during the weekends so I felt so tired on Monday morning instead. Anybody feels the same?

Last Saturday was the 1st Saturday in 2 months that I could actually spent the morning on bed :) Though it didn't last long enough, cause I had to leave the house around 12pm anywany. But really, it felt good to be able to wake up knowing that you don't have to hurry for anything, don't need to think what to wear next, and just sleep... the day... away...

Now back to reality... endless phone calls and e-mails... and waiting for another Friday night to arrive and hoping nothing will come up that makes me have to come to work on weekends T______T

NEW BLOG!! NEW POSTS COMIN' UP!!

Okay... after trying thousands of time to retrieve my password to access my old blog, I finally decided to give up and create a new one... What a waste, remembering that I have posted since 2002 (even though there's a year hiatus, still...) and I think I never change my password!! Tried every possible words that I'm still using and might be using as passwords to no avail. Technology sucks!! In case you wanna see, THIS is my old blog. Title and username not much different, too lazy to think up of different names, already have so much to remember. For example, my office computer log-in account & password (which have to changed every 3 months) and another 2 sets of passwords to enter company's internal site, not to mention passwords for ATM, m-banking, credit cards, several personal e-mails (yeah, I have several... 1 for general usage, 1 for mailing lists only and another one for private), mobile phones, just how many are there I wonder???

Anyway, I have so many things to share but that has to wait until I have enough time and enough capacity in my brain to create a nice entry. And seesh, I'm freezing in this office. So last month the boss was complaining that his room was too hot, which was true, though mine was cold enough. Reported to the building management, somebody came to check, more people came to fix it on weekend, and when I came in on Monday morning I thought I was in the North Pole! T___T The boss' room was fine, not colder then my bedroom at night, I could still manage, but the spare room and the open working space's just totally freezing, I had to travel more often to the ladies room to warm up my hand under the hand dryer! Thank God I wasn't the only one, all the bankers who came to our office complained the same thing. I feel like my fingers are turning into ice cubes a couple of weeks more. Next time I'll just have to dip my fingers in syrup and suck to enjoy some ice cream (^o^).

Lately I lost my passion in books... got several scattered on my bed. Read one a couple of pages, got bored. Take another one, too serious. Take more from the rack, already lost the mood to read. What is wrong with me? This is from ME who can not enter a bookstore without buying a single book or comic. Who can not fall asleep until I read a page or two, even though sometimes I'd snore already after reading a few lines (still do, though). And worst of all, I bought Naruto Shipuuden anime episodes 4 - 10 a month ago and haven't watched it!!! This is scary!! I never got bored with Naruto before!! And I still sleep with his plush toy next to my pillow, I still see his silly smiley face looking back at me from various merchandises in my room, just bought a phone strap with his pictures hanging in 3 levels of chain, I even have a bigger poster of him, Sakura & Sasuke above my TV set!! So why I don't watch the continuation of the series?? I definitely still love this guy! So why??? Poor boy...

And I need some good sleep... so many things happen unexpectedly lately, but I really hope I could sleep away until at least 11:00AM this Saturday. I have to leave the house around 12.30 to attend a friend's holy matrimony where I (might) sing at (if I''m not too lazy to at least have 1 practise with the pianist tonight), then the Youth Ministry service, after that run to an old colleage's wedding before heading to another reception which fortunately just 30 minutes away from home! At least I don't have to spend more time on the road to get home... Ah, I have to fill up the tank tonight, running out of gas. Actually, I'm a person who always fill up the tank in full whenever the indicator's already in the middle. But yesterday when my parents used the car they didn't fill it up, so this morning I was a but in a bad mood when I got in the car and saw the indicator already under halfway. I hate filling up the tank in the morning because of the traffic jam, too much trouble.

Ooooh, and I already had a godson! Ha3x His name is GABRIEL and he just celebrated his 1st birthday on May 15th. He's my friend's son. I just love him so much, most of the time he would fell asleep on me whenever I craddle him, now my friends called me "The King Koil", y'know, the springbed brand? (^_^). I'll post his pic in my next entry. He called his own mother "mama" while I'm "mami". So now I'm a single lady who already has 2 foster children and a godson, how great? I just wish I could see my foster children one of these days, or bring them to Jakarta for a holiday instead of just paying for their tuition monthly. I felt so irresponsible.

Guess I wanna go home ontime tonight... Bad stomach (the monthly stuff) and wanna continue watching the TV shows downloads that Channel sent me. Bye...