I don't want this post to be a gloomy post or make you feel down or bad or whatever... but I just want to share my experience and hopefully if you ever feel the same way or experience the same thing, you will all grow stronger in facing life.
2 weeks ago my mom had a stroke. When I entered the house's gate at night after a praying session at church I was a bit surprised to see my cousin's and an anonymous car outside. I could see from the window that my cousin, his son and my dad were crouching down a spot where my mom was supposed to rest at. I felt a twist in my stomach. And when I entered the house I saw my om lying down and unable to move. My cousin said she called him crying around 08PM, said that she couldn't feel her left hand. That night she threw up a couple of times. Around 11PM my cousin left and we all thought she's okay after she took the painkiller. I took a shower and my dad was in the kitchen washing dishes. The moment I stepped out of the bathroom, the living room was already full with the fruit sellers from in front of house, they said my mom collapsed in front my house. She didn't even remember why she went out in the first place.
My dad and I decided to take her to the hospital. I drove while he was holding her at the backseat. We went to Medistra's emergency room. The diagnosis was that she got vertigo, and was allowed to go home after taking a medication around 01:30AM. 3 fruit sellers accompany us at the hospital, I was so grateful for their presence. At least there is someone else to talk to while waiting for my mom's condition to get better. I slept around 02:30AM that night. After that, in 3 days my mom was on and off, when the headache hit, she couldn't even remember my little cousin and my uncle. But she got better after families came and prayed with her during those days. She's still couldn't move her left arm and walked rather unsteadily.
To make a long story short... after a CT Scan and MRI Brain, yesterday morning we finally got confirmation that she had stroke. So many causes and so many things to watch over. But the bad news didn't end there. At night, we went to see the oncologist too see the lab result of the lump on her thigh. Result: the cancer has returned and spread. This time, the only medication that can help is through chemotherapy & radiation at the same time.
My mom and I were both stayed silent in the car. The moment we got home she gotta go the bathroom to wash up because she was bleeding a lot. After that we had a talk with my dad. He seemed so shocked. Then the 3 of us prayed together, and this is like the first time in my whole life to see him so vulnerable and lamented in his prayer. As soon as I said
"Amen" he ran to the bathroom to wash his face
:) My mom also clearly told us that she doesn't want to to have the chemo or the radiation. This time we're going to fight together in prayer and faith. Whatever will be, we surrendered her life in God's hands. No use to force her for the chemo if it's going to make her depressed.
There are so many mix up feeling that I felt during the last 2,5 weeks. The first thing that hit me was when my little cousin called me and told me sadly that she didn't remember her face when she came. And she was like the closest cousin of mine! And she was the kind of person who remembers everybody's birthday & anniversary! The hit was harder last week when I had to buy diapers for her. She couldn't go back and forth to the bathroom in her condition, thus the decision with diapers. I didn't feel anything when I entered the supermarket or when I spotted the diapers rack. My hand started to tremble when I was trying to decide the right size for the adult diaper. Then I broke down. Never in my life have I imagine that one day I would have to buy diapers for any of my parents. They were both never got sick seriously except for some flu & fever. It's just... never crossed my mind I would eventually have to decide a diaper's size for her.
The first week after the stroke atack, I still felt that the situation was too hard for me. That it's some kind of a burden upon my shoulder. Then wisdom came unsexpectedly from a good friend of mine. She said: "It is a priviledge to be able to take care of your parents because not everybody can do it. I can't do it for my parents, they don't need me. I don't live with them, they have their own money and they can take care of themselves. But you, you have the honour to do something and return the favor to them." The words stung. And I questioned myself, "What have I done to return what they have done for me in my entire 32 years of life?". So this is it. The burden has become lighter now. This is my opportunity to let my parents know how precious they are to me. By taking care of them. And no, it's not that I don't think it's hard anymore, it's still hard. But at least I know that when worse come to worst, I have done everything that I could do for her. Probably not my best, but with all my heart. And I know she undertands.
She's trying to be strong and keep a cool surface in front of me & my dad, but I know she broke down inside. She may not be the perfect mother, but she is my mother in every way. I'm not trying to be a saint, I'm so far from one. But when the time has come, I want to be able to say that I am also her daughter in every way.
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