Your Japanese Name Is...

Akako Hosokoawa

What's" your Japanese Name?

Hang in there, Mom!!

Aaaargggh! I hate Jakarta traffic during the fasting month! There's not a single moment where I could see Sudirman road not packed with vehicles... bankers even got to meetings late most of the time :( This is not funny anymore... the busway feeder developtment is also another reason for the bad traffic, but let's hope it would be finished soon. Or I'll have to be late to work every morning.

Lately, I didn't realize that my mom has lost so much weight. No matter how sick she got, all this time she was always keeping a happy apprearance to me. Perhaps it's my selfishness & my own fear that the more I look at her, the more I will realize how much I have lost my old mom. The more I will understand what she has lost to her illness. The more I will see parts of her slipping away.

Instead of spending more time with her, I've been keeping a distance from her by spending more time in my own room than with her. By keeping myself busy with work, church activites & socializing with my friends. This is not something that I'm proud of, in fact, I'm ashamed of myself. But looks like my fear is greater than my love for her.

A few nights ago I decided to buy dinner on the way home from work so we could have dinner together (my mom, my dad & myself). That's when I saw her dress was slipping off her shoulder. When she turned around to get some rice, I could see the outline of her shoulder bone. I cried silently in my head while trying to keep a smiling face and made some conversations with my dad. I felt so bad and even more ashamed of myself. How many times had she been in pain and instead of trying to soothe her and keep her company during the night; I complained to her that I couldn't sleep listening to her whimpering. Asked her to take her medicine and to go to bed. Instead of sitting there with her in the dark, I brushed her away and cry inside my bedroom. I'M THE BIGGEST COWARD IN THE WORLD!!

Since that very night at the dinner table, I promised myself that I would care more about her. That I would listen to her. That I don't want to have any regrets when the time comes for her to go to heaven. I want to be the best daughter for her and to be daughter that she would not feel ashamed of.

So, despite the bad traffic, last night I went to the mall to buy her a couple of bras. She's been complaining that her underwears have become too large for her, she's not comfortable wearing her bra to church. It took me 1 hour to drive to the Mall (usually 10 mins, from Sudirman to Plaza Senayan), and another frustrating 2.5 hours to get home (usually 45 mins - 1 hour). I felt like I wanna take off my legs and sleep without it!

She was already asleep in her room when I got home around 10:30PM. So I put the bras on her bedside. And all the tiredness paid off when I woke up this morning and met her at the dining room. She had a big smile on her face and said: "The bras are wonderful! They fit me well!". I kept a cool face and said: "Good". But deep down inside, I'm very very glad that I could make her happy even just for a moment.

So... HANG IN THERE, MOM!! I'll always be around for you!!