Just a few hours after I published my last entry, my mom passed away. And I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital when she drew her last breath. My father, my younger brother, some relatives & my mom’s friends were there with her. She’s gone while they were singing and praying, at 6:50pm. They all said it was a peaceful & beautiful death. I just regretted for not being there at her last moment.
I got out from the office at 5pm sharp, when I got to the parking lot a text message from my brother came. He asked me to forget buying dinner for them and that my mom’s condition was worsened, I better hurry. So I tried to call him back to ask how bad has it become but he wouldn’t answer his mobile. My cousin called instead, saying that it’s still ok, I’d have time to get there to see her. But the traffic was unusually jammed everywhere. Tried to call everybody every 15 mins but no one picked up. I was getting suspicious. Then about 5 mins away from the hospital I got a call from my mom’s friends. Apparently, he received a text message about my mom’s passing away, since he just changed his number he didn’t know whose number it was and called me just to confirmed. I was at a loss. I screamed from the top of my lungs and tears fell from my eyes like waterfall. I was fortunate enough to have a friend in the car, she was going to see my mom too. The moment my car reached the hospital’s gate, I saw my relatives were already waiting for me. I ran all the way to my mom’s room, when I entered the door, my dad’s already waited and stretched out his hand to hold me. I cried like hell and screamed why she wouldn’t wait for me. My dad wouldn’t let me look at her before her body got cleaned up. Then I held her for the last time. Poured my tears over her face for sometime. After that, my brother came to me and hugged me tightly, saying that she still loves me even though she couldn’t wait for me. The family has arranged that her body won’t be brought home, but instead will stay at the hospital until the funeral on Wednesday (waiting for my mom’s brother & sister to come from Manado). I returned home to pick her best dress, her picture & her make-up. I could see that my dad was acting tough for me but deep down inside he’s broken.
The next 3 days was like a dream to me. I still found it hard to accept that my mother has left us despite our acknowledgment of her illness for the past 2 years. I still wanted to spend more time with her. There were several services held by her friends & our church. At those services, people testified about my mother, how she has touched & changed people in her life. And I suddenly felt like I never know my mother all this time.
I always hated my mother’s kindness towards people, I thought it’s too much. If she only has Rp 50.000,- in her pocket and she met someone who needed money, she would give it all to that person despite sharing it. If we have food at home & she felt that we wouldn’t eat them all, she would gave it away to the neighbors or anyone show up at home. I called her SANTA CLAUS. And I hated that part of her. But the truth was, without my knowledge (or my dad’s), she helped so many people out there, especially during her service with Abigail Group. I was so stunned to see that so many people wanted to testify her kindness & gentleness towards others during the services. Men, women, young, old… every one of them were wearing clothes & accessories that my mother bought them. They told stories about how my mom has changed & affected their lives. They all shed tears & felt the emptiness of losing her. I felt so ashamed for hating her the way that I did. I felt that I never tried to understand her at all. I cried even harder after hearing all that.
One week after she got out of the hospital on January, she was in the kitchen with my dad & I. She told us this: “God has blessed us so much during my hospitalization, and we should share the blessings with others. Please help me donate (some amount) to Abigail orphanage. They need the money more than we do.” My dad and I were looking at each other and said: “Yeah, we’ll do that later. More important thing is that you recover first now.” But she kept insisting on donating the money asap. Last Sunday, 6 days after her passing away, I finally gave the money to the orphanage. I felt relieved.
Another message that she told me while she was still able to talk normally was: “Don’t forget the people in church. Feed them, share with them. They all live by God’s grace only and we should be part of it.” I won’t forget this & will try my best to fulfill her wish. If she could do it and had been doing it, why can’t I?
I got out from the office at 5pm sharp, when I got to the parking lot a text message from my brother came. He asked me to forget buying dinner for them and that my mom’s condition was worsened, I better hurry. So I tried to call him back to ask how bad has it become but he wouldn’t answer his mobile. My cousin called instead, saying that it’s still ok, I’d have time to get there to see her. But the traffic was unusually jammed everywhere. Tried to call everybody every 15 mins but no one picked up. I was getting suspicious. Then about 5 mins away from the hospital I got a call from my mom’s friends. Apparently, he received a text message about my mom’s passing away, since he just changed his number he didn’t know whose number it was and called me just to confirmed. I was at a loss. I screamed from the top of my lungs and tears fell from my eyes like waterfall. I was fortunate enough to have a friend in the car, she was going to see my mom too. The moment my car reached the hospital’s gate, I saw my relatives were already waiting for me. I ran all the way to my mom’s room, when I entered the door, my dad’s already waited and stretched out his hand to hold me. I cried like hell and screamed why she wouldn’t wait for me. My dad wouldn’t let me look at her before her body got cleaned up. Then I held her for the last time. Poured my tears over her face for sometime. After that, my brother came to me and hugged me tightly, saying that she still loves me even though she couldn’t wait for me. The family has arranged that her body won’t be brought home, but instead will stay at the hospital until the funeral on Wednesday (waiting for my mom’s brother & sister to come from Manado). I returned home to pick her best dress, her picture & her make-up. I could see that my dad was acting tough for me but deep down inside he’s broken.
The next 3 days was like a dream to me. I still found it hard to accept that my mother has left us despite our acknowledgment of her illness for the past 2 years. I still wanted to spend more time with her. There were several services held by her friends & our church. At those services, people testified about my mother, how she has touched & changed people in her life. And I suddenly felt like I never know my mother all this time.
I always hated my mother’s kindness towards people, I thought it’s too much. If she only has Rp 50.000,- in her pocket and she met someone who needed money, she would give it all to that person despite sharing it. If we have food at home & she felt that we wouldn’t eat them all, she would gave it away to the neighbors or anyone show up at home. I called her SANTA CLAUS. And I hated that part of her. But the truth was, without my knowledge (or my dad’s), she helped so many people out there, especially during her service with Abigail Group. I was so stunned to see that so many people wanted to testify her kindness & gentleness towards others during the services. Men, women, young, old… every one of them were wearing clothes & accessories that my mother bought them. They told stories about how my mom has changed & affected their lives. They all shed tears & felt the emptiness of losing her. I felt so ashamed for hating her the way that I did. I felt that I never tried to understand her at all. I cried even harder after hearing all that.
One week after she got out of the hospital on January, she was in the kitchen with my dad & I. She told us this: “God has blessed us so much during my hospitalization, and we should share the blessings with others. Please help me donate (some amount) to Abigail orphanage. They need the money more than we do.” My dad and I were looking at each other and said: “Yeah, we’ll do that later. More important thing is that you recover first now.” But she kept insisting on donating the money asap. Last Sunday, 6 days after her passing away, I finally gave the money to the orphanage. I felt relieved.
Another message that she told me while she was still able to talk normally was: “Don’t forget the people in church. Feed them, share with them. They all live by God’s grace only and we should be part of it.” I won’t forget this & will try my best to fulfill her wish. If she could do it and had been doing it, why can’t I?
I always told myself to live life to fullest, and felt that I was closer to that. But not until my mom’s gone that I realize how far away I am from living my life to the fullest. I still have empty holes here and there and not able to see the big picture. But my mom has lived her life to the fullest. And it was shown in other people’s life, not by her own words. Well I guess that’s the true meaning of the phrase. I hope you all will live your life to the fullest too.
