Connect and Reconnect

Funny how the death of our loved one can also bring us to another form of relationship. To get to know someone new or just catching up with those we lost ties many years ago.

Last month I just lost my cousin whom I haven't met for many years. The moment I found out about her illness she was already in her 3rd comatose day in the Intensive Care Unit. It was a shock to our big family cause we never heard that she's been sick or anything since her husband's death a few years ago. And she lived out of town, about 5 hours train ride from where I live.

I've been sick for a few weeks at that time and wasn't able to take a leave from the office. So I asked for my nieces' mobile numbers from my other cousin. A few messages later I was struck with a feeling that this might be the last time I would be able to see her. I found out about her declining condition on Thursday morning, decided to go and see her on that night, asked my brother to buy me train tickets on Friday morning and took the Saturday morning train with my cousin & one of my aunts.

And I never regret my decision to come.

It was an exhausting trip especially in my condition. I couldn't sleep well the night before, afraid that I would wake up late. As soon as we arrived we searched for return tickets and apparently the only tickets available are leaving on the same day around midnight. Sunday train tickets were all sold out, so we bought the midnight tickets right away.

My comatose cousin's 2 daughters picked us up at the station, and it's also been many years since I saw them. One of them is already a mother of 3 (the youngest was only 5 months old) and the other one was actually working in Dubai and took an emergency leave to see her mother. We went directly to the hospital to see my cousin and met another daughter of hers who lived with her in the same house. We only got 1 chance to see her outside the visiting hour but I used that few minutes to pray for her and told her that I was there.

From the hospital we went to my cousin's place to have shower and to catch an early dinner there. Surprisingly, I got to meet my 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons there including the 5 months old baby, Jasmine. We spent our limited hours trying to catch up on our personal lives, shared some laughter in the middle of our sadness, held my grandchildren whom I never met since they were born and most importantly prayed together for my cousin and her children. That night we separated with a heavy heart, like leaving our family behind.

2 days after my return my cousin passed away. And I didn't get to go over for her funeral but my dear cousin Sarah did.

And she returned with a bunch of stories that broke my heart but also made me long to see my long lost nieces and grandchildren again.

Last week suddenly I received a message from one of my niece in Dubai. She told me how much she missed her mom and felt that she hadn't done enough for her. I told her that I felt the same when my mom passed away, but she has to believe that she has made her happy when she was alive. And I'm happy that she could share how she felt with me cause it meant that I have become a real family and friend for her.

Isn't it funny what death can do? It separates you from the one you love, but it can also you brings you someone else to love. In my case, I got to connect with the grandchildren I've never seen and re-connect with the nieces I haven't met for more than a decade.

When I decided to see my comatose cousin those few weeks ago, I twitted this:

How sad that we have to see each other in this kind of circumstances instead of a happy one.

But now after thinking about everything that has happened this past month, I thought that we didn't reconnect in a less fortunate circumstance either. I have met my nieces in the moment when they needed my support and comfort most. Thus, we got to see each other's heart deeper and in a more open way than laughter could bring. We held each other's hands when we prayed, we embraced each other tightly when we said 'so long'.

I promised myself to get to know them better from now on. 
To rebuild the broken bridge between their parents and myself.
To be a part of my grandchildren's growth and (hopefully) future. I don't want them to see me one day and doesn't even know my name.

Life in a big city takes up so much time and energy from us. But if we can spend a day hanging out at the mall why can't we spend another just to get to know our extended family better?

I still have more long lost cousins, nieces and nephews that I have to connect and reconnect with. And I promise myself to get to know them more with laughter... so when the sad moments come, we're ready to share our burdens without the awkwardness and fear of not being understood.

And here's the bonus, pictures of my grandchildren. Aren't they beautiful? :)

With Jessica and Jasmine 

With 5 month-old Jasmine

Finally...

I just realized that I posted a long time ago to start taking guitar lesson but I never did... There were so many reasons (or excuses?) that prevented me to go ahead and register myself to one. But last week I finally did and now I'm so looking forward to my first lesson in November.

Checked Yamaha Music School nearby the office if they have a late night class and was told they have Acoustic Guitar class every Thursday at 8pm, new class starts every month. The next day I  went and registered myself for the next new class.

I took the class because I wanted to be able to play better. I play guitar and sing to make myself feel better but end up feeling frustrated because of my limited chords' ability LOL Actually I was considering to take drum lesson since I've had the basic and had taken an informal lesson long time ago, but since I don't even have a drum set I guess I'd have to hold it for the time being.

But yeah, I'd like to continue my drum lesson next year. My cousin said  I should just bought a drum pad for exercising at home but after checking the price I could actually get an electric drum set for a little more. I hope I can save more money to buy one next year and eventually have my drum lesson while still continuing my guitar class.

Well, never too late to start something :) I haven't even started yet but I already have a list of songs that I'd like to be able to play soon ROFL

My Purple / Violet Story

It all started with a pair of sneakers.

So I finally redyed my red hair that began to look like a mix of half dirty blonde half orange with a shade of red. This time I went to a real professional, a Korean stylist. Once I was seated and my hair washed, the stylist - Mr. Yun - asked me: "What color do you want for your hair?" I wanted EXO's Baekyun's hair color the moment I saw it in Wolf promo, so I took out my phone, browsed the gallery and showed him 2 pictures of my purple haired baby.

He smiled and said: "So you like purple?" It's the first time that someone asked me such a simple question but it took me a few seconds to answer. "I guess?... Yeah, I think I do." And he told me: "Okay, this time we're doing Hair Manicure instead of coloring, and the color is violet." I just nodded in agreement though I didn't understand LOL

Two hours later I went out of the hair boutique with a fluffy violet hair, new hair style and lavender nails (the service came with free manicure) :) And I had to admit that I love my new look! Hahaha And here comes the story of how I got to love the color purple / violet...

My wardrobe and accessories have always been limited to basic colors such as black, grey, charcoal, navy, silver or dark brown. I'm too lazy to mix and match my outfit so those colors are considered 'safe' for me. With an exception of Blue. I think I don't mind with any shades of blue, be it baby blue, navy or sky blue or whatever blue there is. And I'm the kind who dress up in one tone, so I just have to have my stuff in those range of colors.

Until I wanted a pair of fitflop sneakers. What I wanted came in 3 colors: Dark Shadow Silver, Plum Metallica and Navy Blue. Of course my first choice was Dark Shadow Silver, but they ran out of my size. Navy Blue still had my size but my cousin said that Plum Metallica looked nicer. I thought, why not wait another day before I made up my mind? 

But of course the next day when I logged in there's no more Navy Blue with my size. That left me with no option but Plum Metallica. I'm veeeeerrrryyy picky with shoes but that's another story. To make a long story short, I reluctantly bought the Plum Metallica sneakers.

The sneakers fit me perfectly. And I just love to wear it anywhere since it's super comfortable. But of course, it would look better with matching clothes, right? Right?

So I started buying purple / violet shirts... then bracelet... then pen... then other small stuff follow to the point where I can wear purple / violet color coordinated outfit and finally I admitted at the Korean Hair Boutique, yes I like purple now. Anyone who wants to buy me anything, please remember that purple / violet is now an option ROFL

Oh, not to forget, here's my new look straight out of the Hair Boutique... How do you like it? I love it, thank you very much hahaha

photo courtesy of Ade Julianti

Make-up, make over?

I used to hate doing make-up. Usually someone else has to do it for me. So what changed? My visit to South Korea and Korean cosmetics. ROFL Everywhere I went I would see rows and rows of cosmetics shops from all the Korean brand that I've heard or not heard before. And I was surprised to see the extension of the products, from skin care to make-ups and whatever things I didn't imagine existed hahaha

I actually don't hate the make-ups, but I used to feel that applying them was complicated. I couldn't even apply eye liner until a few months ago when I found this product.

Missha M Real Lasting Pen Eyeliner

I read some nice reviews on this product and how easy to apply it. Honestly, my previous efforts in applying eyeliner were embarrassing enough. I'm glad I never took any pictures of those times when I tried it out in my bedroom! But this thing is something that I can't miss now... The pointy tip makes me more confident in drawing the line, so my hand is more steady when holding it.

And when it comes to eye shadow, I really had no idea how to combine the basic colors. But yes, I could at least apply it, thanks to some basic training from being in church choir a long time ago :) But this thing really helps, I don't need any brush, just my fingers and voila! I got the color combination that I like.

Missha The Style Triple Perfection Shadow

I even got 2 of these, Brownie Pink for day wear and Grape Purple for night wear. Other than these products, I also found that lots of make-up tutorials in youtube also helpful. And finally I got to try to apply my own make-up to a party last weekend. Bwahahaha Can I show off? It's not that visible here, but I hope you notice a little change on my eyes.

How did I look? Hahaha I'm hoping for a compliment when I'm asking :) It's a new pair of glasses that I was wearing, by the way.

And if you're asking why I'm using MISSHA instead of more famous products in Indonesia, well at first it's because my boys were endorsing it. LOL But after trying out its products I''m quite satisfied with the result, so I kept purchasing them.

MISSHA with TVXQ

Just look at the promotion ad! I mean, HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT THEIR FACES AND NOT BUYING ANYTHING? LOL

Oh well, maybe it's just my lame excuses, but they make me feel good and happy. So yeah, let's look at more tutorials and have my own make over. 

Credit: Pictures belong to Missha... except mine, unless they want me to endorse their products :p

I'll miss you...

Every Sunday morning at church, there's a grandma sitting at the very back who would give me a hug and kisses on my cheeks. Sometimes she brought me chocolates or candies, wrapped them up in small plastic bags and slipped them into my palm as she kissed me.

She sat at the back because she used a cane and had trouble walking. If we looked at each other from afar she would wave her hands at me and gave me her sweetest smile. Oma Hartati was one of my highlight on Sunday service but God loved her more. She passed away last Saturday day night after celebrating her 86th birthday on September 3rd. And I didn't realize just how much I would miss seeing her until she's gone.

And this brought back so many memories of those who had left us lately. I was so taken aback by the fact that death always left us astounded no matter how close or how far we are from it. Even the death of  people we don't know personally would still leave us overwhelmed, in disbelief.

Last year I got to watch Tohoshinki's TONE Tour at Osaka-jo Hall. I had a hard time in obtaining the tickets but I had help from a Japanese girl that went by with the name t-hikari (or hikari-chan by her online friends) who posted a complete info on how tickets were sold in Japan. I sent her a few messages and she kindly replied with info and a kind wish. In the end someone else got me the tickets but I still got to read her LJ every now and then and she kept replying to my comments.

Imagine the shock when I read messages & twits on June 11th that that she had passed away the day before after battling breast cancer for a couple of years, and just before she started a new series of chemo. To be honest, I really enjoyed reading her amusing LJ posts about our beloved duo. And right after the announcement of her passing by her sister, she also deleted all of her posts because it hurt her too much read all the happy words that she had written, reflecting her real self as a devoted fan. I can totally understand that though I wished I had saved some of her writings just to have a laughter or two.

Every encounter has its own memories. And I'm glad that I have shared a happy memory with both Oma Hartati and hikari-chan. It's not whether you know someone in the flesh or how well you know someone to feel the loss through death. It still hurts.

No matter how much we hurt, life goes on for the living. I'll miss them both, but I'll be smiling when I remembered how happy they had been and they had made me no matter how short the time we knew each other.

I'll miss your hugs and kisses Oma Hartati, till we meet again in heaven!

And thank you for the sweet memory and the chance to get to know you, hikari-chan! You'll always be remembered when I look at our boys :)

WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR OURSELVES ALONE DIES WITH US; WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR OTHERS AND THE WORLD REMAINS AND IS IMMORTAL.

- Albert Pike -

I'm not addicted to hair dyeing!

Unlike some people's opinion that I'm addicted to dyeing my hair, no, I AM NOT!! I re-dyed my hair because the first one didn't live up to my expectations. I was surprised when I looked at it, true, but the longer I stared at my hair the more I longed for the actual color I imagined especially since the old hair dye washed out quickly leaving my hair looked half blonde half orange :( And finally I re-dyed it again last week with the help of a real professional LOL Credits to Pram from L'oreal Jakarta who asked me dubiously when I pointed to the color: "It's usually used as highlight cause it's very bright, are you sure you're confident enough to have it on the whole head?". To which I replied (and made him grin from ear to ear): "You have no idea how confident I can be!"

Here's the result, shiny isn't it? *grin*

Left: with room lighting, Right: with natural lighting. 

And don't I just love my boss? I sent him a message a few days before I dyed my hair:

"Can I leave the office at 3pm on Monday? I want to re-dye my hair cause I finally found a place that has the right shade of red. Since it's the fasting month and offices are closed earlier, the guy can only do it at 4pm."

Reply: "Sure. Why red again and not blue?"

"I wanted to dye it blue but I guess **** and **** won't agree :( The elders already raised eyebrows to my current hair can't imagine what they'll say next week. Anyway, dyeing my hair blue is already on the list of my things to do before I die."

Reply: "Hahaha Go for it."

My friend who knew I left early to do that thought I was crazy for telling my boss the truth, that I left "just to dye my hair". To be honest, I don't see the need to lie cause I've been dedicated enough with my work. Why lie and get yourself into trouble later when you can be honest and dye your hair in peace without being afraid of the office ringing you? LOL

So, do you like the new red as much as I do? :)

OPUS JAY 2013 WORLD TOUR

 

Another dream came true... 

A 10 year old dream to be exact... and it's a past due review but I still want to post this anyway LOL

In the middle of F4 rage in early 2000 I got to know this singer named Jay Chou and had been in love with his music ever since. I bought all of his albums, MV dvds, movies, concert dvds, basically everything that he released. I even had giant posters of his from his 2002: The Once Concert Live and 2006 Album: Still Fantasy hanging on my bedroom wall now.

He held some concerts in Singapore, the last one was in 2010 for The Era World Tour. I missed that one because I traveled to Japan for the first time, thus I spent all my money in that holiday, nothing to spare to watch him. So for the past 2 years I've been waiting to hear if he's going to hold another concert in Singapore.

Then in early February I heard the announcement and got an email from Sistic. He'd finally returned for his World Tour of his last album, Opus 12 on June 8-9! Somehow the first 2 days of the ticket sales was intended only for OCBC card & M1 number holder. Sold out in 1 hour! Then they added another day on June 6, and sold out again even before the public sales began. I asked my Singaporean friends who had own the card & number, they said they couldn't get one, it's crazy. So I thought that maybe I wasn't meant to watch it. I was disappointed but I believed that when it's my time then it will be my time.

I was working  in the office when an email came from Sistic. Due to high demand for the concert, they're adding some seats including those with restricted view. I didn't waste my time and logged into Sistic right away. I didn't get it in the first try but once I refreshed there's a Cat 2 single seat available and I grabbed it right away. Tadda!! I got my ticket for June 8 show!!

On the day of the concert, I got to the venue around 7.45pm - ticket said show would start at 8pm. I wanted to buy a couple of merchandise but the queue was so long! I decided to just wait inside the venue. Show didn't start on time cause people were still queuing for merchandise outside. But I was happy when I saw that in every seat they provided free lightstick and baloons. 

Me and my free balloons :)

I was sitting in the middle of 2 boys in their teens on the left and a guy in his late 40s on the right. They all cheered very loudly and sang along in every song too. And at 8.20pm the lights were out and the concert started. At first an opening video was played on stage and on screens. And before you complained for the lack of quality of the pictures that I'm posting, I didn't bring my camera in purpose because I wanted to really enjoy the show and not being busy behind the lens. So I only used my phone camera, besides I was seated on the right side of the stage so I didn't get a very good view. I didn't complain though cause I could still see him clearly from my seat.

His concert was divided in a few segments. And he opened the concert with a rock song from his Opus 12 Album, but he followed right away with (surprisingly) The Final Battle / 最後的戰役 / Zuì Hòu De Zhàn Yì from his 2002 Album, The 8th Dimension. And after a few more songs from his old albums including the famous song that was used into a Pepsi advert Nunchucks / 雙截棍 / Shuāng Jié Gùn he disappeared for a moment from the stage when suddenly a white piano appeared in the middle of the stage. And the piano acoustic ballad segment began. I practically melted on my seats especially when started playing Silence / 安靜 / Ān Jìng I couldn't help myself but screaming along with the whole stadium at the song's ending: It is because I love you too much / shi yin wei wo tai ni... I knew the boys were staring at me cause I kept bugging them to translate whatever Jay was saying yet I could sing my heart out with every song he played LOL

In the middle of this segment I just couldn't hold my bladder anymore and ran to the bathroom in the middle of my less fave song, but while I was p**ing (I'm sorry that you just have to read this :p) I suddenly heard the intro of one of my fave song Can't Express Myself / 開不了口 / Kāi Bù Liǎo Kǒu and I kind of, errrr... sped up the process, zipped up my fly, express hand washing and ran back to my seat with panting breath, all the while singing along with him! Just how crazy I was, eh? LOL

Jay was about to release another self-produced movie, The Rooftop, so another segment was dedicated to the new movie, where he acted out with a girl and some gang. It was interesting but I wasn't familiar with the songs so I didn't sing along at all in this segment. Still, I enjoyed to see him dancing and acting, if I was a cartoon character there would be stars and love coming out of my sparkly eyes! Hahaha As the concert was nearing the end, suddenly the whole stadium went dark and there was some kanji on the screen and the stadium went silent, the boys translated to me that it said: "Please turn off your light stick for the best effect of the next song." So I did, just like everyone. And a few second later the screen and also the stage lit up with stars and planets as if we're in the milky way... A white piano and Jay in white suits turned up and my most fave song from Opus 12 Album, Sign Language / 手語 / Shǒu Yǔ, started!! I was gaping at the screen to see the dreamy like video when suddenly he was being lifted up onto the middle of the stage and blended with the 3D mapped video!! O.M.G.

Jay singing  "Sign Language / 手語 / Shǒu Yǔ"

I had to admit that the effect of the video and live show combined was very beautiful in the dark. Everything was white and sparkly and even some fake snowflakes were falling from the ceiling onto the audience!! So romantic... *sigh* He really went all out with the show, lots of pyrotechnics,  fake snowflakes, confetti, drama, and everything else that ever came up in all his MVs. Oh, and some giant beach balls at the ending of the concert for his song, Ukulele / 烏克麗麗 / Wū Kè Lì Lì.

Giant beach balls in the middle of the audience :)

All in all, it was a great 2.5 hours show and I was so enchanted from the beginning until the end. It was a sold out 3 day shows actually and I wasn't that surprised to see the variety of people in the audience. From children to grandparents, everyone was singing along to his hit songs and moved their bodies with the music, smiling from ear to ear and laughed as he made jokes in Mandarin (which I didn't get cause I didn't want to bother the boys next to me anymore with translating the jokes lol). Another funny thing was, Jay was knows to forgetting lyrics in live shows. So in the small screen at the top of the stadium, facing the stage, where it usually wrote things like: "Clap your hands" "Sing along!" etc... all his lyrics was played word by word with the sequences such as: "Repeat" "Encore" "Change clothes", I laughed like crazy when I found out about it! Oh Jay...

The concert was so memorable and I'm so looking forward to another concert of his in the future. Some more pics of my handsome boy.... :)

 Theatrical Jay

Guitar playing Jay

Chocolate Review: Bendicks Bittermints

I guess most of my friends know that I love chocolates. I don't remember exactly when, but I started to like Dark Chocolate more instead of Milk Chocolates as I grew older. And lately I'm so fond of this Bendicks Bittermints. It's like the top of the chain of all the Dark Chocolate & Mints combination I've ever tasted.

A friend bought it for me at Singapore Changi Airport 2 years ago. Then everytime I went or someone went there I asked them to buy a box for me. I love Dark Chocolate (say it again) and I love mints (including Peppermint Tea). My ideal Dark Chocolate is usually around 70% - 85% Cocoa, pretty bitter for some people but that's just perfect for me. Bendicks Bittermints' chocolate is 95% Cocoa which is too bitter if it comes in bars but this one comes with mints inside that gives an extraordinary sensation to my taste bud. Bitter in the first bite then comes the sweet and cool sensation of the mints. Love it!

Last week the little boss traveled to London where Bendicks originally comes from and or course I didn't miss the opportunity to ask him to buy me a box of Bittermints at the airport. Not only he bought me a box but he kindly also bought me a box of Bendicks Mint Collection!

So I got to taste all of Bendicks Mints line :) And after Bittermints, the Chocolate Mint Crisps comes second. The chocolate outside is not as bitter as Bittermints (tasted something like 70% Cocoa?) but there are sprinkles of mints in it that gives the crunchy feeling.

Anyway, I've been trying to find a friend who would enjoy it with me but so far nobody likes it LOL It's always too bitter or too minty for them. Ah, well... that just means I get to enjoy all of them by my self for a week. Lucky!

Makeover

So I finally dyed my hair RED. Yes, RED. After contemplating for a (really) long time, now I'm officially a red head.

Like I've always mentioned many times, there were two things that people was always mistaken about me: (1) That I dye my hair brown. Really, it's natural and my mother used to try hard to turn it black to no avail. (2) That I wear brown lenses. Again, it's my natural eye color, I couldn't even wear contacts cause I can't stop rubbing my eyes for many reasons!

And since I couldn't fix number (2), however I could always fix number (1). So this is the first picture after I returned from the hair salon last night. Please ignore the pimples T____T

Even though I have kind of imagined what it would look like, it still surprised me just how red it looked like! LOL When I got home, my dad didn't say anything, he just stared at me and sighed hahaha I didn't want to ask him anything though :p

As for my lil' brother... he told me: "Why don't you get a costume and take pictures with it? I kind of imagining you posing with a sword!" I was like, "Huh??"

If I was surprised last night, imagine my reaction when I looked at my self in bright daylight! The red hair even looked brighter! :) Again, ignore the pimples, I know they're not cute :(

Most friends were curious as to why I did this. I have several answers. First, my natural hair is brown, why would I dye it in another shade brown? I surely didn't want to dye it blonde and I didn't have enough guts to have candy color hair, but I think red is still manageable for me.

I also sent a message to my boss who's traveling now, "I dyed my hair red, I hope it's okay with you? :D" He replied: "Fine with me. Why you dyed it red?" My reply to him was: "Cause I promised to do it together with my close friend. Or maybe I just want to do something crazy for once in my life."

Just like my previous post, many people thought of me as boring or inflexible almost in everything and I humbly accepted that opinion since I realized that's exactly what I am.  I'm not trying to prove anything here, but I want to assure myself that I can be fun too. I can't dress up sexily with my figure, I still can't put up make-ups the right way to look beautiful, I still learned to change little by little everyday... but my hair color? I can change it NOW.

So here I am with red hair. And to tell the truth? I enjoy every single attention and reaction to it. Tell ya', I can be fun too ;)

OCD? OCPD?

For a long time my close friends have suspected (or accused?) me of having a terrible symptom of Obssessive Compulsive Disorder or better known with its abbreviation, OCD.

Why? After much observation on their side, they felt that I fit the description :) Don't I think so? Well, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my habitual actions definitely! After all, they are habits, I do it all the time consciously and unconsciously. And then I started to notice the things freaked me out a little. Am I really having OCD?

Let's start to list down the symptoms or should I say, my actions?

1. I'm indexing all of my stuff. From CD, downloads, movies, especially books. I filed them in several ways. For books: Title - Author - Number of Volumes - Condition of the books - Box Number. Then I made the same list with the Author names comes first in case I forget the title but I know who writes it. Books like novels that I read and re-read many times, I put in the book shelf right in front of my bed. So I could get them anytime I feel like reading them. As for the others, especially comics -- as you can guess from the way I arranged them, I put them in numbered boxes. So when I want to read one, I only need to refer to my index list and won't waste time to look for it.

I consider this normal, apparently not so. How about you?

2.  All of my word files are using the same font size, same margins & same paragraph spacing. There were cases when my friends wanted me to read something that they thought interesting and sent me an unorganized word file (i.e: different margins from one paragraph to another, different font size in a page or excessive spacings because it's copied from an html page). Guess what? I wasn't able to read passed the second pages until I edited it according to my standard. Otherwise it gave me headaches and I'd just threw it away. Another reason why I'm highly annoyed to receive a file that I can't edit but have to read or review. Believe it or not, it stressed me out and will take a long time for me to finish.

Do you think it's too much? Are you able to read any unorganized file?

3. Everything has to be planned ahead. Abrupt changes will change my mood drastically. I usually know on Sunday night what I want to do for the next week, when I think I want to go out, what to read, what to wear. Unless the changes happen naturally, then it's doomsday for me. Let's say I promised to meet someone since a week ago and that person cancels one day prior to the meeting. I would be a in a terrible mood! Like I don't know what else to do with my tomorrow when we're supposed to meet and I'll be sulking the whole day. Another example that annoyed me most was when I went to a restaurant with every intention to eat something. I ordered, wait for 15 minutes, then the waiter returned saying that it's not available. In most cases when I'm with friends, I would bear the disappointment and tried to order something else that I wouldn't enjoy. But when I'm by myself, I just looked at the waiter in the eye, paid for my drink and left without a single word and ended up not eating anything almost the whole day.

Another downside to this is I can hardly enjoy impromptu trip or activities. Once or twice when I'm really in a superb mood then it can turn out to be an amazing experience. Hardly. More than myself, looks like it annoys my friends more cause they think I'm inflexible. Even on holiday, I planned it day by day down to where to eat and what time I should return. Natural changes are acceptable, i.e: the train is late, thus we arrive late at our destinations and have to re-arranged the rest of the schedule. Or suddenly it's raining, so we have to switch to a less wet place. Fine. Acceptable. But "Let's do this since it's more interesting and I think we can do what we wanted to do another day." is totally unacceptable. I'd rather go separate ways then throwing a tantrum that will only make me miserable.

Beginning to sound like a lot of trouble, don't you think? And this is where I get being called a 'perfectionist' T____T

4. I arranged my money in my wallet in a very specific way. From the smallest nomination to the biggest one, from the worst looking to the better one, faces on front - buildings on backs, right side up. I have a lot of trouble with this when paying at a cashier with a long line. I rushed and just put my changes inside, but I couldn't help thinking about what a mess the inside of my wallet is :( At the next possible moment (usually when I was ready to leave the parking lot or when I sit down to eat) I just have to re-arrange my wallet first before I feel happy again LOL

This shouldn't be a problem right? Cause I hear a lot of people do arrange their money in a similar way.

5. I don't shuffle my playlist. Let me repeat that again: I don't shuffle my playlist. If you check my ipod, tablets, and handphones, all my playlist are arranged by singer - album - track list. So if I want to listen to Jay Chou's songs, it's definitely will be from the 1st album to the last and according to the album track list. Unless I want to listen to a specific Album, then I will skip the others and play the album that I want. According to the original track list. Again, no shuffling. Then I have another playlist of Jay Chou's song separated into BALLADS & FAST TEMPO.

Don't I have a mixed playlist where all kinds of genre and tempo and singers are included? Of course I do. But (again, I'll keep saying it) according to my arrangement. I put the songs in the playlist according to how I feel when I arrange it, so when I play it I know exactly what song comes after another. There was once when my beloved cousin Sarah, shuffled my ipod's playlist intentionally, because she was getting bored of my arrangement. It took me less than 10 minutes after it played to yelled at her to put it back to normal because "I don't expect this "A" song comes after "B" when I arranged it after "D" song!" ROFL

Some people told me I'm boring because of this.

6. I have to wear my clothes from the left side to the right. Yes, you hear it right. From left to right. Meaning: when I want to wear pants, I have to put in my left foot first before my right. And when I want to wear a shirt, I have to put in my left arm first before my right. I guess this is the worst symptom that I could think of and also the one that won't annoy anyone by myself. What if I'm in a rush, I wouldn't realized whether I wear my clothes from left right or the other way around, right? No. I'd feel it. I'd feel that something is wrong and after recounted everything from the moment I wake up until I get out of the house and don't find anything wrong; the only conclusion I can get is I must've worn my clothes in the wrong way. I've experienced this before and I just have to find the closest toilet soon, undressed my self and wear it the right way. And tadaaa! Everything's cool again for me :)

Nobody elase has the right to be annoyed with this but myself.

7. I can't stand to see something out of place. When I go shopping and see a clothes fall off the rack, I automatically pick it up and hang it at the right place. When I see a book fall out of the shelf anywhere, I just have to put it back on. When I see a row of chairs and there's one that's located a bit outside the line, it's an eyesore until someone (more likely myself) put it back in line. When I sit in front of a table and it happens to have a DOT that doesn't belong to its pattern, let's just say I'd be pissed without a reason and will keep looking at it, wishing that the dot will disappear.

This also, more annoying to myself than others. Everything just has to be in place.

So what do you think after reading all of my so called 'symptoms'?  Some that I've heard are BORING, CONTROL FREAK, PERFECTIONIST. Wanna add something else?

After I made the list, curiosity got the best of me. I browsed the net to get to know what actually OCD was. To my surprise, I didn't think that it fit me no matter how people said so. You can read the descriptions HERE and HERE.

Instead, it led me to another condition called Obssessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder of OCPD. From what I have described above, I could say that I do show symptoms of OCPD but reading this page, I feel better for getting to know myself more even though it described OCPD somewhat as problematic as OCD. I do realize my inflexibility to things, my way of having to be in control most of the time and doing things "my way" and I'm still thankful that my close friends were pointing them out to me no matter how many times I chewed them out with my words of denial.

So there you go. OCPD. Not OCD. But I still have to change.

Relationship

Entering the 4th day of 2013, and yet again I'm faced with the same challenge that I faced in 2012.

There were so many things happened last year, I had to say it's very bittersweet. Traveled places, experienced new emotions and so on. But my biggest challenge in 2012 would be MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS.

Yes, you heard me correctly. And relationships are not limited to friends or family, it's including our relationship with GOD. I found a hard time to keep an intimate relationship with God, I had to admit. There were a lot of struggles and some self-pity in my part, but HE is greater than everything. HE showed me little by little that to maintain a relationship with HIM, most of the time HE just wants us to talk to HIM and quietly let HIM do the work instead of trying to so everything by ourselves. I learned my lesson, and I pray that I'll have a more intimate relationship with HIM this year, to experience HIM every single day.

Surprisingly, maintaining human relationships or perhaps friendship is a better term to call it, was just as hard. I built new relationships (meaning: new friends), upgraded some, fixed some and sadly failed one or two.

Since I didn't get a lot of holidays last year, the little spare time I had I used to reflect on myself. Why things happened the way it did, how did I fail on maintaining something that I used to be capable of doing a good job at? I thought I would never find the answer of those but right at the beginning of the new year I finally found that it's all back to my relationship with GOD.

As I struggled with my relationship with HIM, I lost patience, I lost tolerance and I became someone who lost trust in a lot of things. I became selfish and preferred to tend to myself first before others. I broke off relationships that I deemed "won't work anymore" and forgot that God could also do the same to me, yet HE kept me close and helped me fixed our relationships.

So I took time to list down each relationship that I failed to maintain. There's one thing in common, NEGATIVITY. I failed to try to understand why people were suddenly turned negative towards practically everything, I just cut them off from my circle of friends in my excuse not to taint myself with it. But guess what? That didn't make me happy either. I couldn't stop thinking about them nor stop caring. And I realized, there's a fine line between protecting your heart and ignorance. I was not protecting myself from negativity, I was being ignorant to those whom I called "negative friends."

By failing the most important relationship, I fail more of those. One cannot work without the other.

So I promised myself to love more, to do more, to learn more, to give more. I might have my heart broken by my earthly relationships, but my heavenly one will patch me up even more beautifully. And by fixing my relationship with GOD, I know I'll have the strength to rebuild the friendships that I have failed. I hope you can do the same.

Matthew 22 : 37 - 40, King James version

Jesus said unto him, Thou salt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, Thou salt love thy beighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!