Welcome Home!

I'm glad I'll get to see my Dad again tonight after being home alone for 5 days!! ^_^ This time when he wasn't around, I happened to had not much activities or anything important to do... So most of the time I was home by myself watching DVD or reading.

I felt so lonely knowing that there's no one else at home. Lonely for getting into the house and say "I'm home" but hearing no reply. Lonely for not hearing his footsteps outside my bedroom at 5am in the morning. Lonely for eating "emergency food" for lunch (at home on weekend) and dinner (every night). So now I know it must be lonelier for him to be left alone in the house everyday when I'm at work. Now I understand why lately he asked a lot of questions and was so happy when I told him I had no plans to go out on weekends.

My Dad wakes up very early in the morning to get the car ready for me to go to work. He cooks my breakfast every morning too. Even if it's the same food everyday, I won't get bored since it's one of my fave world and I know it takes effort for him to do it for me. Whenever I call him in emergency (usually because the old car broke in the middle of nowhere), he'd change his clothes in an instant and take a taxi to wherever I am.

Whenever he's going for a trip, he will call me everyday to check if everything is alright. We go to church together every Sunday and sometimes on we'll go to a bookstore together after church... that's our valuable time together.

I hope his flight will land safely tonight. I can't wait to get home and see him again. And when I open the door, instead of saying "I'm home", I'd like to tell him outloud: "WELCOME HOME POPS!"

Love Me Today

Another soul has left this world, I didn't know her but apparently she was one of our church's congegration. And I was told that she lived a lonely life. No husband, no children, all of her siblings had passed away except for her youngest one. And I wondered when did she hear that someone loved her for the last time. Could be before her husband died, or maybe somebody got the chance to tell her that lately. I have no idea. I used to hate people who say "I LOVE YOU" easily. I though they were not sincere. I thought those words had become cheap. I thought that they didn't really mean it. But lately I've been the one saying I love you a lot. 

When I was away & missing my friends, I told them "I Love You" through SMS. When I was just lonely and someone was kind enough to chat with me through the messenger, I typed him/her "I Love You". And you know what? I meant every single "I Love You" that I said or wrote or typed. It took me losing someone very important in my life to be able to say that from the heart. I was lucky I had the chance to tell her that before she was gone although she no longer be able to say that back to me. That's when I understood the meaning of "tomorrow might not come". 

So my "I Love You" is not cheap. My "I Love You" is said, typed, written with a pain of not being able to say it enough and an understanding of I might not have the chance to say it again tomorrow. This song from NELSON is my inspiration to write this entry. And when I say it to you, I hope you can say it back to me, "I LOVE YOU".

Don't be afraid to say "I love you" Take the moment and make it last Cause if you don't tell them you love them You might not get a second chance So hear them saying... Love me today, let my strength be your own Love me today, cause tomorrow I'll be gone When I feel it's time to go, I'll be on my way So love me today...

(Love Me Today -- Nelson)

dreaming

I once complained to my dear little cousin that I never once dreamed of my mother, no matter how much I missed her. Other people dreamed of her. My father dreamed of her. My brother dreamed of her. But not me. I wasn't with her on her last moment, so I wished at least I could talked to her in my dreamland... even if it's not real, I wanted to touch her "living self".

And I finally did last night. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't comprehend what just happened. I tried hard to remember my dream. Then suddenly it's rushing back to me... I felt her touch, I saw her smile... I was holding her hand as we travel together somewhere by bus (bus??? why not plane??? LOL), as the bus stopped in the middle of the journey I said to her: "Mom, could you just stay on the bus and not wandering around? We're almost there, probably about 4-5 hours more." She said ok and smiled to me. And the dream ended.

I don't want to start guessing what the dream meant. But I couldn't stop my tears from falling hard when it finally dawned on me that I just dreamed of her... finally! But the most important thing was that God has granted my wish. And I know that she's in peace with HIM up above. As my life will go on for God knows how much longer... in the end we'll be together when the time comes. But I will remember the smile that she gave in that dream... it told me that she loves me. As much as I love her. Though I wish I could say it to her eye to eye. I love you Mom.

let me

I have an early flight to catch tomorrow morning, so by calculation I have to leave the house at 6:00am by the latest. I've always planned to take a taxi to the airport considering it's quite far and my Dad would be tired with the long drive to and back from the airport.

So as I was preparing to go to work this morning my Dad asked me what time is my flight. I told him the details and he offered: "Let me just drive you there." I quickly retorted: "No need, I'll just take a taxi, the firm will pay for it anyway. It's too long a drive for you. I'm fine with taxi." As I was entering the bedroom I happened to glance at him and saw his disappointed face.

I can't seem to get rid of his expression from my mind as I was changing. I remembered that I felt the same once. When my dad returned from a trip I told him that I wanted to pick him up from the airport, but he refused, and told me the same reason that I told him. I could still feel my disappointment. I thought that "I just wanna do something for you once." But somehow I felt that his disappointment is much greater than mine. We live for each other now, while I still can do so much for him, there's isn't as much that I need him to do for me anymore. I know that he still want to feel needed. That's he still can do something for me. And driving me to the airport is something that he surely can do for me.

So I quickly made a decision, when I got out from the bedroom I told him: "Second thought Dad, yeah you could drive me to the airport tomorrow, it's not so easy to find a taxi so early in the morning anyway." He smiled widely and said: "I told you so! And I always woke up earlier than you everyday!" Even when I got home from works and was doing my final packing he kept smiling and told me to finish soon and go to bed. That I need more sleep.

I'm happy that I make him happy. Maybe this is not a big thing for me but it's a big thing for him. And I want to let him do everything that he wants to do for me now. I want to let him feel needed. I want to let him feel that he's important for me. And as I will also let myself pour my tender loving care to him, I will let him do the same for me. Isn't that what a family should be?

Oh, and Dad, I need another favor! Can you help me dry my laundry in the washing machine when you get back home tomorrow? :D

presence

It's day 7 of being home alone. And another 6 days to go. And somehow it doesn't feel so good.

Not that I'm not used being alone, in fact I am so used to it. But ever since my mom passed away, I've always had my father around, well there's only the 2 of us at home anyway. He traveled a few times, but never more than 5 days, 6 day tops. This is like the longest time he left me by myself. Heck, I'm an adult, there shouldn't be an issue being home all alone! I think most people will be happy, another reason to come home late :D

But lately I feel that a presence of another person feels so much better. I don't talk much with my dad, when I got home we usually just said hi and if there's something to tell each other, then we tell. Once or twice we had dinner together at home (when I can leave the office early & no traffic jam on the way home), I bought him food that he likes. But even when we don't interact much, I know he's there. I feel his presence.

The sound of tv in the living room makes me feel his presence.
The sound of his steps passing my bedroom makes me feel his presence.
The sound of the door keys in the morning makes me feel his presence.
Now even when he's not home, I can feel his presence.
And I start to appreciate it. That's the difference between the dead and the living.

I still have some of the things that she left behind. And her pictures are all around the house. But I don't feel her presence anymore. I could still memorize her laugh, I could still remember the smell of her perfume. I could still picture her frown when she disagree with me. But she's no longer there.

So for how long can I still feel my dad's presence, only God knows. I just want to cherish every moment while I'm still with him right now. But even when he's gone, I hope I can find another presence to feel when I'm home. And keep me away from my loneliness.

sister

Today is the 27th birthday of my little cousin, Sarah. And she's a very special person for me. Our age is 8 years apart, with me being the older one. When she was small, I didn't like playing with her because I think she was just a "baby" and I spent most of my teenage period following her oldest brother around like a chick :D

I didn't remember exactly when we were growing closer with each other. It must be when she started college. She took Japanese literature and by that time I was already crazy about those Japanese stuff and sometime ask her to romanize a Japanese song that I like. Then she started to work and I sometimes asked for her help on a project. She also never hesitated to call me if she encountered something new that she thought I could help her with. One that that I really like about her is her determination and her eagerness to learn. When she found out something that she's not familiar with, instead of avoiding it she tried to learn about it. And she's also a fast learner.

But the one thing that drew me to her was that because she is a good listener. She never minded my rambling about works, family, my new fave singers or even nothing for the sake that I needed to say something! She listened. So as I struggled to balance between taking care of my mom, works & the ministry, she's been there the whole time. When I cried over an argument with my boss, she's also there to listen to my whining. When I was hospitalized she stayed at the hospital to take care of me even though she still had to go to work in the morning. When she was sick, I cried the whole night on my bed even though she didn't know it. We traveled together and remembered each other wherever we go. She's my comrade, (one of) my closest friend and the sister that I never had.

So on this special day, I want her to know that I really appreciate her existence in this world. That I am thankful and proud to have a sister like her. I wish her a long life, health, abundant blessings and especially heavenly wisdom to face come what may. May all her dreams come true according to HIS grace & mercy (including the one specific pray for me hehe). And as I always tell her unashamedly and as often as I could: "I LOVE YOU!!" Happy birthday, and I hope today is blast for you!!!

wiper

I know that my car is old. But I never felt that it's ANCIENT until last night. As we finished our weekly intercession at church last night, it was raining and a friend of mine didn't drive so I offered to take her home, I'd have to pass her house anyway. She brought her 5.5 year old son along with him. The little boy was curious about everything and while I was chatting with his mother he started asking question:

Sammy: "Tante Kristin, what is this?" (pointing at something)
Me: "Oh, this is to turn on the lamps."
Sammy: "And what is this?" (pointing at another thing)
Me: "Oh, that is to turn on the wiper... look here *click* it's on."
Sammy: "And how do you turn on the wiper in the back?"
Me: "Huh??? I don't think this car has it!"
Sammy: "But daddy's car has wiper in the back!! How come this one doesn't?"

My friend (Sammy's mom) and I laughed so hard and she told him: "Sammy, don't say something that will embarrass Tante Kristin! Daddy's car is a new car and this one is an old car, old car only has front wiper!" (their car is an Alphard). I could only say: "Yeah, sorry this old car doesn't have any wiper in the back!" But apparently that didn't stop him asking about things, which fortunately had nothing to do with the antiquity of my car.

When he hopped off the car he didn't forget to thank me for driving him home. While he was waving furiously at me as I drove away, I also didn't forget to tell him: "Hey Sammy, before you go to bed tonight please don't forget to pray to God to give me a car that has wiper in the back!" And he shout outloud: "OK!!"

After all, doesn't the Bible said that God listens to the prayer of a little kid. Who knows, maybe next year I'll be driving a car with wiper in the back. And if you read this and happens to have children, please ask them to pray for the same thing for me (^o^)

the meaning of life

Finally we entered the Year of 2010... I can't help but wondered how many more years will I have in this world. Could be not for long, but I really wish it's long enough for me to enjoy to the fullest. But I also hope I won't be there anymore when the earth ends its cycle... yeah, thanks to Global Warming hahaha

Last year's holiday wasn't long enough as I usually had it in the previous year, and compared to those other years it was an ordinary enough holidays. I didn't get to travel, only managed to get 2 days off (though fortunately Christmas & New Year fell on weekends) but I certainly enjoyed every second of it. Got to spend quality time with friends and families.

On the last day of a short trip with come close friends we went to a Dutch cemetery. Actually, it's a cemetery for Dutch & British soldiers who died in war in our country many years ago. Many are just the cross without a body buried underneath. It wasn't my first visit to the place but somehow this time it left a deep impression. When I looked at rows and rows of the ashes boxes. next to the small chapel... while reading the names and the birth & death dates, I wondered how they died. Was it instantaneously? Did they feel pain before they die? Did they have missing body parts? I couldn't help but wonder.

And of course looking at the white crosses across the green grass made me feel even sadder. Some of the crosses stated that the person died in a young age, not even 20. Maybe they died in war for something that did not believe in. Or maybe they really did die for their country. And yet the fact remain the same, they died for a reason. And for whatever reason it was, they died a hero. It is also a fact that wars are still going on in every part of the world. There will be more crosses without a body, more ashes to keep and more young lives wasted.

I'm already many years over 20... but sometimes I wonder if I really understand the meaning of life. It's one of my resolutions in entering the new year... to find more meaning of life. I'm probably not a soldier going to war, but I definitely have my own war. A war to succeed in works, a war to succeed in life. And I want to fight with faith and believe. That I'm trying my best and going all out in every battle so even when there's no tomb provided for me, somehow my life had become worth meaning. Happy New Year!!