Yesterday, we just buried the body of a loved one. My cousin in law, Sahat Pramadana Sitorus, or we used to call him Bang Ato. His death was a shock to all of us when he heard the news yesterday morning. He just went to Surabaya – East Java to sing with the church choir he was a member of. He went to bed early because he felt cold but was found dead when his friends tried to wake him up for a late night snacks at midnight.
After my aunt called to inform the news, my cousin Refny – Bang Ato’s wife, called my mobile again. The first thing that she said was, “Bang Ato is no longer here.” I wanted to say something meaningful but all that’s came out of my mouth was, “Be strong. You have God on your side.” To which she replied to me, “Please come soon, I can be stronger when you’re all also here.”
And during these two days I have witnessed just how strong and faithful of a cousin that I had. Yes, she cried a lot, she lost a husband, someone that she vowed to be with for the rest of their lives, but it was cut short just a little bit after their 5th anniversary. But she never left Jesus’ name from her mouth when she felt she couldn’t bear the grief anymore.
Bang Ato’s mother – we called her Inang, was even more devastated. Her husband died many years ago and as the oldest child Bang Ato had been taking care of her with love and patience. She said that he was a child who always listened to what his parents told him. She’s been sickly for a few years so she always thought that she was the one that would leave first instead of his beloved son.
There’s a quote that I remembered reading somewhere:
There’s a name for children who lost their parents.
There’s a name for a husband or a wife who lost their spouse.
But there’s no name for parents who lost their children because it’s too painful.
Children are supposed to live longer than their parents.
I was reminded of that quote when I saw her crying over his dead body. I was told that when Bang Ato’s body just arrived at the house, she fainted. And his two younger sisters were crying hysterically. My heart broke every time I saw her gently caressing Bang Ato’s face and holding his dead body. The body of someone that you gave birth to and nurtured for years, the one who was supposed to be by her side when her time to leave the world comes. I hope that her other children can overcome their grief and help Inang to overcome her sadness and loss.
Refny and Bang Ato got married 5 years ago, August 2006. I still remember it very clearly, they asked me to sing on their holy matrimony. So my cousin Sarah and I sang together at church. The song that they chose was titled “Semua Baik” or “All Is Good”. Here are part of the lyrics.
Dari semula t’lah Kau tetapkan
Hidupku dalam tanganMu, dalam rencanaMu Tuhan
From The Beginning You have decided
My life is in Your hand, in Your plan oh God
Rencana indah t’lah Kau siapkan
Bagi masa depanku yang penuh harapan
A beautiful plan You have prepared
For my future, full of hope
S’mua baik, s’mua baik
Apa yang t’lah Kau perbuat di dalam hidupku
All is good, all is good
What you have done in my life
S’mua baik, sungguh teramat baik
Kau jadikan hidupku berarti
All is good, all is very good
You have made my life meaningful
They were still trying to have a child when God called him back home. Though a lot of people pity her current situation right now, I believe that they have chosen that song in the beginning of their marriage because they believe that God knows better about their future. All is good.
They didn’t know each other for long before their wedding and she told me a lot of her struggle in the beginning of their marriage. Every single day, she prayed to God to give them wisdom to learn to love each other more and to surrender themselves in God’s capable hand. She prayed for him to grow into a husband who loves God more before his family and God had answered her prayers.
He wasn’t a man with many words but just before he left for his last trip he thanked her for being a wonderful wife, that he couldn’t think of what he might be become if he didn’t marry her. But most importantly, he told her that he loved God more than anything and promised to live according to His will each day. She only laughed at him at that moment, but I believe that it’s God’s way in telling her that her prayers had been answered. Holding on to God’s promise, she told me she knew that Bang Ato is already in God’s hand and she shouldn’t worry about her future.
Still, none of us could hold our tears from falling when her father put on the grieving veil on her. According to our tribe’s culture, it’s a mark of the changing of her status of being a widow. It pained me to hear the crying voices of our parents when they told her to be strong and let her know that we will support her as her family, that she could always turn to us whenever she feels weak. But maybe the words that really summed up what we wanted to convey to her came up from my other cousin and my uncle.
My cousin said:
You can cry to your heart’s content today, but remember that it will have to stop eventually for God doesn’t want you to grieve for a very long time.
My uncle said:
We put on this grieving veil on you to let you know that you’re always a part of us and you’ll be protected with us. You’re not alone and your family will always be here for you.
Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. (John 16:22)
She will feel the sadness for awhile but I really hope that she can see the goodness that God had done for her from the starting of her marriage until her husband’s death. And as her family, we will support her in everyway that we can. I hope that she will feel less lonely with us by her side and that she keeps serving God with her talents.
But most of all, we want her to know that God loves her. And we love her.
And like the song that they have chosen 5 years ago. ALL IS GOOD.
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. (I Thessalonians 4:13)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Goodbye Bang Ato, you’ll always be remembered, we love you. Have fun in heaven!
