another mountain to climb... another battle to fight...

I don't want this post to be a gloomy post or make you feel down or bad or whatever... but I just want to share my experience and hopefully if you ever feel the same way or experience the same thing, you will all grow stronger in facing life.

2 weeks ago my mom had a stroke. When I entered the house's gate at night after a praying session at church I was a bit surprised to see my cousin's and an anonymous car outside. I could see from the window that my cousin, his son and my dad were crouching down a spot where my mom was supposed to rest at. I felt a twist in my stomach. And when I entered the house I saw my om lying down and unable to move. My cousin said she called him crying around 08PM, said that she couldn't feel her left hand. That night she threw up a couple of times. Around 11PM my cousin left and we all thought she's okay after she took the painkiller. I took a shower and my dad was in the kitchen washing dishes. The moment I stepped out of the bathroom, the living room was already full with the fruit sellers from in front of house, they said my mom collapsed in front my house. She didn't even remember why she went out in the first place.

My dad and I decided to take her to the hospital. I drove while he was holding her at the backseat. We went to Medistra's emergency room. The diagnosis was that she got vertigo, and was allowed to go home after taking a medication around 01:30AM. 3 fruit sellers accompany us at the hospital, I was so grateful for their presence. At least there is someone else to talk to while waiting for my mom's condition to get better. I slept around 02:30AM that night. After that, in 3 days my mom was on and off, when the headache hit, she couldn't even remember my little cousin and my uncle. But she got better after families came and prayed with her during those days. She's still couldn't move her left arm and walked rather unsteadily.

To make a long story short... after a CT Scan and MRI Brain, yesterday morning we finally got confirmation that she had stroke. So many causes and so many things to watch over. But the bad news didn't end there. At night, we went to see the oncologist too see the lab result of the lump on her thigh. Result: the cancer has returned and spread. This time, the only medication that can help is through chemotherapy & radiation at the same time.

My mom and I were both stayed silent in the car. The moment we got home she gotta go the bathroom to wash up because she was bleeding a lot. After that we had a talk with my dad. He seemed so shocked. Then the 3 of us prayed together, and this is like the first time in my whole life to see him so vulnerable and lamented in his prayer. As soon as I said "Amen" he ran to the bathroom to wash his face :) My mom also clearly told us that she doesn't want to to have the chemo or the radiation. This time we're going to fight together in prayer and faith. Whatever will be, we surrendered her life in God's hands. No use to force her for the chemo if it's going to make her depressed.

There are so many mix up feeling that I felt during the last 2,5 weeks. The first thing that hit me was when my little cousin called me and told me sadly that she didn't remember her face when she came. And she was like the closest cousin of mine! And she was the kind of person who remembers everybody's birthday & anniversary! The hit was harder last week when I had to buy diapers for her. She couldn't go back and forth to the bathroom in her condition, thus the decision with diapers. I didn't feel anything when I entered the supermarket or when I spotted the diapers rack. My hand started to tremble when I was trying to decide the right size for the adult diaper. Then I broke down. Never in my life have I imagine that one day I would have to buy diapers for any of my parents. They were both never got sick seriously except for some flu & fever. It's just... never crossed my mind I would eventually have to decide a diaper's size for her.

The first week after the stroke atack, I still felt that the situation was too hard for me. That it's some kind of a burden upon my shoulder. Then wisdom came unsexpectedly from a good friend of mine. She said: "It is a priviledge to be able to take care of your parents because not everybody can do it. I can't do it for my parents, they don't need me. I don't live with them, they have their own money and they can take care of themselves. But you, you have the honour to do something and return the favor to them." The words stung. And I questioned myself, "What have I done to return what they have done for me in my entire 32 years of life?". So this is it. The burden has become lighter now. This is my opportunity to let my parents know how precious they are to me. By taking care of them. And no, it's not that I don't think it's hard anymore, it's still hard. But at least I know that when worse come to worst, I have done everything that I could do for her. Probably not my best, but with all my heart. And I know she undertands.

She's trying to be strong and keep a cool surface in front of me & my dad, but I know she broke down inside. She may not be the perfect mother, but she is my mother in every way. I'm not trying to be a saint, I'm so far from one. But when the time has come, I want to be able to say that I am also her daughter in every way.

Monday morning... another battle...

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

It's been such a hardwork to come to the office on Monday morning lately... Dunno why... probably didn't have enough rest or sleep during the weekends so I felt so tired on Monday morning instead. Anybody feels the same?

Last Saturday was the 1st Saturday in 2 months that I could actually spent the morning on bed :) Though it didn't last long enough, cause I had to leave the house around 12pm anywany. But really, it felt good to be able to wake up knowing that you don't have to hurry for anything, don't need to think what to wear next, and just sleep... the day... away...

Now back to reality... endless phone calls and e-mails... and waiting for another Friday night to arrive and hoping nothing will come up that makes me have to come to work on weekends T______T

NEW BLOG!! NEW POSTS COMIN' UP!!

Okay... after trying thousands of time to retrieve my password to access my old blog, I finally decided to give up and create a new one... What a waste, remembering that I have posted since 2002 (even though there's a year hiatus, still...) and I think I never change my password!! Tried every possible words that I'm still using and might be using as passwords to no avail. Technology sucks!! In case you wanna see, THIS is my old blog. Title and username not much different, too lazy to think up of different names, already have so much to remember. For example, my office computer log-in account & password (which have to changed every 3 months) and another 2 sets of passwords to enter company's internal site, not to mention passwords for ATM, m-banking, credit cards, several personal e-mails (yeah, I have several... 1 for general usage, 1 for mailing lists only and another one for private), mobile phones, just how many are there I wonder???

Anyway, I have so many things to share but that has to wait until I have enough time and enough capacity in my brain to create a nice entry. And seesh, I'm freezing in this office. So last month the boss was complaining that his room was too hot, which was true, though mine was cold enough. Reported to the building management, somebody came to check, more people came to fix it on weekend, and when I came in on Monday morning I thought I was in the North Pole! T___T The boss' room was fine, not colder then my bedroom at night, I could still manage, but the spare room and the open working space's just totally freezing, I had to travel more often to the ladies room to warm up my hand under the hand dryer! Thank God I wasn't the only one, all the bankers who came to our office complained the same thing. I feel like my fingers are turning into ice cubes a couple of weeks more. Next time I'll just have to dip my fingers in syrup and suck to enjoy some ice cream (^o^).

Lately I lost my passion in books... got several scattered on my bed. Read one a couple of pages, got bored. Take another one, too serious. Take more from the rack, already lost the mood to read. What is wrong with me? This is from ME who can not enter a bookstore without buying a single book or comic. Who can not fall asleep until I read a page or two, even though sometimes I'd snore already after reading a few lines (still do, though). And worst of all, I bought Naruto Shipuuden anime episodes 4 - 10 a month ago and haven't watched it!!! This is scary!! I never got bored with Naruto before!! And I still sleep with his plush toy next to my pillow, I still see his silly smiley face looking back at me from various merchandises in my room, just bought a phone strap with his pictures hanging in 3 levels of chain, I even have a bigger poster of him, Sakura & Sasuke above my TV set!! So why I don't watch the continuation of the series?? I definitely still love this guy! So why??? Poor boy...

And I need some good sleep... so many things happen unexpectedly lately, but I really hope I could sleep away until at least 11:00AM this Saturday. I have to leave the house around 12.30 to attend a friend's holy matrimony where I (might) sing at (if I''m not too lazy to at least have 1 practise with the pianist tonight), then the Youth Ministry service, after that run to an old colleage's wedding before heading to another reception which fortunately just 30 minutes away from home! At least I don't have to spend more time on the road to get home... Ah, I have to fill up the tank tonight, running out of gas. Actually, I'm a person who always fill up the tank in full whenever the indicator's already in the middle. But yesterday when my parents used the car they didn't fill it up, so this morning I was a but in a bad mood when I got in the car and saw the indicator already under halfway. I hate filling up the tank in the morning because of the traffic jam, too much trouble.

Ooooh, and I already had a godson! Ha3x His name is GABRIEL and he just celebrated his 1st birthday on May 15th. He's my friend's son. I just love him so much, most of the time he would fell asleep on me whenever I craddle him, now my friends called me "The King Koil", y'know, the springbed brand? (^_^). I'll post his pic in my next entry. He called his own mother "mama" while I'm "mami". So now I'm a single lady who already has 2 foster children and a godson, how great? I just wish I could see my foster children one of these days, or bring them to Jakarta for a holiday instead of just paying for their tuition monthly. I felt so irresponsible.

Guess I wanna go home ontime tonight... Bad stomach (the monthly stuff) and wanna continue watching the TV shows downloads that Channel sent me. Bye...