I'm not the type of person who created "New Year's Resolution" every year. As cliche as it may sound, I just prayed that I become a better person each and every year. Why? Because I knew I wasn't good enough, I had never been perfect and I didn't try hard enough to be a better me.
Last year I added something else though. I wanted to write again. I prayed to God to let me write again. And it happened. And once I started... I couldn't stop. Ideas were flowing, inputs were received from so many people... I felt alive again. I felt like I'm back to being myself from many years ago.
Writing used to be my way to express myself and my feelings as far as I could remember. I used to be able to write whatever came up in my head... pondered over it, took a pen and a book, and started writing until it's gone from my head. Back in High School I won several poetry competitions for my school... If memory served, the best that I won was a silver medal for a province level competition. The theme was "Delinquency."
First, I didn't like the theme. Second, I had no idea what to say about delinquency. And to put it into a poem? Gaaahh! So I procrastinated... Other than myself there were another 2 people who represented my school. The other 2 submitted their writings to the school a week before the deadline, typed and printed into 3 copies as inquired. I submitted mine only 2 hours prior to the time the teacher should go to submit the materials to the committee. Hand written in 10 minutes, copied with carbon paper with smudges of black carbon all over the 2 copies. I grinned as I handed them out to the teacher and left home in a rush... so I could have enough time to shower and leave again to watch the school's theater's club's performance somewhere. Competition forgotten.
As soon as I arrived at the theater hall, my friend ran to me and congratulated me. I just asked dumbly, "What happened?" She told me excitedly, "You won!" I asked again idiotically, "What did I win?" She looked at me with impatience and told me about the competition result. One second later... "I won?" Two seconds... "I WON??" Three seconds, "I WON!! Really?? You're not lying to me, are you??" And we were jumping up and down in celebration, I was still in disbelief that I wrote something good enough to win it. Unfortunately, I didn't keep a copy of the poem since I wrote it instantaneously in front of the teachers' room :) But at least I had a happy memory of it when I opened my mom's drawer and found the appreciation letter and the announcement of my winning among the things that she treasured of her children. I thought: "Did I make you proud, Mom? Were you happy for me too?"
Back to what I actually wanted to convey in this post... I'm very happy to find a media in which I can express my self again in writing. Though I don't think I can let everyone know the media in which I started to pour out my passion once again, the response that I received in each post was overwhelming... Knowing that people from another countries actually got emotional over every chapter, it was such a privilege for me and inspired me to write more and better in every update. Eventually, once I started I could hardly stop. Just when I finished one, another idea came up...
But if you think that I wrote just because I wanted to... you're not completely wrong but it's also not correct. This time, I wrote with a mission. I read about so many heartaches and pains in this online community I frequent. When I prayed to God to let me write again, I asked HIM to give me ideas and let me know what I should write. After awhile, the comments and private messages that flowed my inbox were astounding. Many people shared their painful past and what they felt after reading what I wrote. As they poured out their hearts to me, I also opened up to them about my own experiences. Once again I found my happiness in being able to help others in a way that I could. To God Be The Glory!
About a month ago I was browsing through my mom's old files. Among them were a few books of her daily journal, up to the times when she just got sick. I was glad that I was alone at home, so I could cry my heart out reading some of her posts, finding out her heart and mind in there. Then I came across a book that I never saw before. It looked a bit older then the rest of the journals. Tell me how surprises I was to see that my mom was actually a writer herself! Half of the book was handwritten with her view of life, of family, of marriage... like those articles that I could find a magazine. Each word was meaningful and a picture of the past that shaped her. It was a great discovery for me! Writing was her legacy to me.
As I laid down on my bed at night after the discovery... I thought of how fortunate I have been. To be given another chance to continue doing what I should do... To start expressing myself again through the talent that God had blessed me with. But more than those, to be able to re-discover my inner self in a new point of view. Nothing's ever too late. You can always start anew. I have re-started one... and I will re-start more.
There were other things that I used to do in the past... creating things... And I know I can always start doing it again. All I have to do it just opening the drawers and take out the materials that somehow I still keep intact. Time is running... I don't want to waste another moment in vanity.
