God is good. God is really really good. God is great.
My mom's passing 9 years ago was traumatic for me. For several years, I couldn't close my eyes and remember her happy healthy self. I was with her through her battle with cervix cancer for 2 years, I watched how it took away everything good from her, and yet when the time came for her... I wasn't there beside her. I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital. But you know what? She left while being sung with worship by her church friends. She left peacefully though I didn't see it. I still believe that God was holding her hand.
She left me a message though my cousins and aunts, something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do: to take care of my little brother and Dad, cause she believed I was the only one who could do that for her. I made a promise to her in front of her coffin that I would try to do my best.
Exactly one month ago, my Dad also left us all to return to our Heavenly Father. Yes, I cried a lot of tears but I also laughed just as much. God gifted me a great present, the thing that I remember most about the morning I saw him last being alive was his smile as I said goodbye to leave for work. A few hours latter the phone call came, my hand shook, my head said impossible - he was okay this morning.
One month back... I was given a chance to create more happy memories with him. I took him to the doctor and hospital, something that I hadn't been able to do. He was always scheduled on weekdays, but that one time somehow I was spared a weekend. And an extra Monday night to pick him up after an MRI then to have dinner with him and my sister in law.
I was actually had a tiring week, but something told me that I just had to go that Saturday. Then most of the time I just felt like buying food that he liked, but somehow he lost his appetite. 3 days before he went, I brought some cookies that I bought from a friend. He loved them!! He said he couldn't stop eating those, tasted so good... I was happy and we chatted in the living room for a bit. He made a joke on the brand, I was lying on my stomach in the sofa bed just listening to him.
I was struggling with something for months, I kept praying to God to give me answer. Even after my dad was settled into a coffin in the funeral home, it still felt like a dream to me. When I walked away for a moment I prayed to God: "This wasn't the answer that I expected from you, Lord. Why did you do this to me." And God never waited for long to give an answer. My cousin who worked out of town happened to be in Jakarta. When he held me in his arms he said: "Your job's done. Well done." I felt like being slapped so hard on my face, yet I still didn't understand fully what that meant.
On the second night, my brother and sister in law asked to talk to me in my bedroom. They told me that dad was concerned about me, he talked to them about how lonely I would be when he's gone, what would I do by myself... Then my brother told me: "Remember when mom died you promised her to take good care of me and dad? Well, you've done it! It's over now, it's time for us (he and his wife) to take care of you! I promised dad that you won't be alone, you have us. And it's my turn to be there for you."
I was speechless. Not about what he said. But the revelation of God's plan in our life. I could hear HIM clearly: It's not about answering your prayer. It's about MY time. And it's MY time for your dad to be with ME. Your job's done, now it's MY turn and YOUR time to live your life for yourself.
God is good. God is really really good. God is great.
And the past month I've been grateful, of how much fun Dad had shared with us. Looking at his pictures, even though I'm sad, I can also smile remembering the past 9 years I spent with him. My sister in law told me that when I took him to the cardiologist last month he was very happy. I was just waiting (and trying to sleep) at the reception room, but he told the nurses inside: "Look, my daughter has driven me here! She can't do it usually cause she has to work, but today she comes with me! That's her sitting there!" I can't ask for something better that those words.
It's only been a month... but I know I'm going to be alright. I spent more time with my brother and sister in law... laughing together, reminiscing about him together. Even though there's also a lot of things to get used to without him, I'm learning to live for myself.
In the end, God is good. God is really really good. God is great for me.
