DO I KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH?

A good friend in church just got married last Saturday, he's 40 and the his bride's 34. We were happy for him, extremely happy... he's a senior and one of the few that we look up to, and knowing his "love history" we're thrilled that he finally decided to get married. And to someone that we think (and he thinks) is far from his "ideal type". Before he told us that he got married, he actually spoke to some of us about his relationship, it was mid January. By end of January, we were asked to be involved in the "wedding committee". And as time got closer to the day, we were getting more and more horified to found out that the bride knew so little of the groom!!

They went out under the bride's family's urge. After a couple of dates and considering their ages, they decided to get married. The groom's family wanted the wedding to be around June or July, to give them some space & enough time to clean the house & prepare everything since they're going to live in the groom's house after the wedding. For some reason, he insisted on his chosen day, which was last Sat. So there it went.

3 months before wedding the groom called me: "Help me pick the menu for the reception!" So he read out the list while I was listening & suggesting what kind of food to pick. My friend behind the wheel raised her eyes and whisper: "Isn't he suppose to ask his bride?" I shrugged my shoulders but 1 question popped in my head: WHY DIDN'T HE ASK HIS MOTHER OR SISTER, OR EVEN HIS BRIDE?

A month before wedding the bride asked me in church: "Where's the reception going to be?" My jaw dropped: "Your wedding is only 1 month away & you had no idea where the reception is? Ask your future husband!" That's question # 2 in my head: DON'T THEY PLAN THE WEDDING TOGETHER?

3 weeks before the wedding, another call from the groom: "We're running out invitation so we have to re-label some of them. I'll fax you the revision of the invitation list." I was a bit irritating cause I have told him over and over again before the invitations go into prints: "Make your invitation list, then you know how many invitations to print! Don't guess!" This is how I had question # 3: DOES HE HAVE ANY PLAN AT ALL?

2 weeks before the wedding, the groom was leading the youth service, a special program - something like a get together with other youth ministry from other churches. The bride jokingly asked if he's nervous because there's his ex-gf among the congregation. In fact, there was, and she was so surprised and urged him to show which one was the girl. I didn't know whether he showed her in the end, but this was one of the thing that got me into some serious thinking and popped a 4th question: "DOES SHE KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH?"

The thing is, the groom was well known for his love life history, inside and outside church. It wasn't much of a problem if all of his relationships were counted as "serious". But to tell the truth, he was quite an opportunist in terms of relationship. I was one of those who actually fell for his trap. It would be a little uncomfortable to talk about it here, but in short: I found out that he also talked about me to other people, and the phrase that completely made me cross him out from the relationship level was: "She's the one offering herself to me, and even though I don't have a feeling for her... well, I'm like a cat being offered a fish for free!" That was when I started to tell myself that next time I decide to have a relationship with a guy, we better have a one on one just to make sure that it's for real and that he really thinks that we're good for each other.

I also knew that he was hitting on my cousin's girlfriend that almost made her & my cousin broke up. And he continously did that everytime he wasn't engaged in any relationship. But the biggest surprise came 1 day after the wedding. One of the girl in the committee told me while we're lunching: "You know, it took time for me to say yes to his request on helping on his wedding... I had a battle inside my heart cause I think he's too heartless to ask for your help! We were all victims to his adventure... Me, you and "X"" When she said X I was stunned... X wasn't just someone that I thought would also fall for his trap. We didn't even think such thing would exist between them! We were like family!

Anyway, apart from the fact that he also asked me to spend a night together in a hotel just 2 months before he declared his relationship with the bride, for whatever reason he wouldn't tell at that time... All the facts were too much of a shock for me. And it makes me even more afraid to start a relationship without at least getting to know each other for a certain period of time. I'm not the kind of person who would dig into my partner's past, but I definitely would want to know what's going on with his previous relationships just like I'd want him to know everything about me. So the next time I heard a negative comment about him, I know how to react and how to handle it and not to become suspicious. Just like my parents.

It's all about honesty... I will never know him well enough if he's not honest to me and vice versa. But it sure is scary to find out that my spouse has a long list on relationship history, and I knew nothing about it at all... 'Till later!