Connect and Re-connect

8 months into 2016... I do feel that time surely flies in a blink of an eye... in only 8 months so many things had happened but one most important thing that I learned is to connect and reconnect.

I tried to spend more time with my family, both immediate and extended. Timewise, I have to admit it's really not easy to do. Considering the highway, mrt, lrt and whatever constructions all over Jakarta, the time spent on the road is getting longer and longer. By the time I got home on weekdays, it's already 7 - 8pm and I felt exhausted. Weekend is spent doing laundry, cleaning up my room, and no matter how tired I am I determined to go to church with my Dad on Sunday morning for the 7am service then went to buy lunch with him. Once in a while we also had lunch together, sometime just the two of us, or if time permits with my Bro and Sis in law.

One thing that I also noticed is my Dad felt lonely if I spent a lot of time outside home. Since my Bro and Sis in law started their own business, my Dad spent all day at home by himself including on weekend. Even though I just stayed in my room reading or watching, I saw that he felt better having someone at home. If I went out for 2 weekends in a row, the next weekend he would asked me: "What have you been doing? Why are you so busy? Are you going again today?". You know, I always told him where I was going, but his medical condition made him forget. So I explained again... and sometime, I cancelled my plan and just stayed at home. That's when I realized that I have been given such a great opportunity to take care of him when many times I heard about lonely parents who live alone without seeing their children for a long time. I am blessed.

I went out with my cousins, met up with some uncle and aunts, sent messages to those whom I haven't seen or heard from in awhile. To be honest, I used to think spending time with them to be such a chore. But it really amazed me that this time, somehow, as our relationship grew tighter I also felt stronger. Like I have people who cared about me behind my back to support me and pray for me. And I hope that's how they feel too. As lately, so many things good or bad are happening to our family in and outside Jakarta, but somehow there was always a way for us to be connected one way or another, to keep updated with how each other's doing. God's restoring our family's relationship and there's still more that He wants to do with us. I'm expecting.

As for friends... I have to let some go, but gain new ones... After not meeting for a long time, a friend told me during our dinner: "You know, I read that we have lesser friends as we get older. We just don't have the time and patience to build new relationships, it's already hard to maintain old ones." At first I agreed. As time went by, it dawned on me that as I grew older, I also grew impatient and unable to tolerate bullshits. I'd rather have friends who can't promise when to meet but actually have time to keep in touch or just say hi over the phone, than friends who keep saying we should do things together but in the end don't even have time to ask me how I'm doing while they're busy posting stuff of them having fun in SNS.

Being stuck in traffic in the morning or after office hour also became an important moment for me to re-connect. I put on my hands-free and make some calls. There is one dear friend whom I cannot meet at church regularly anymore since we have different service to attend. She spent all day taking care of her mother so it's also not easy to find time to meet outside church. Mornings are to call her or others whom I know are not having regular office work. Evenings to night are for those who's only available after work. My mobile phone bill is rising definitely (though not significantly), but it's money worth spending for.

When I was going through a hard time a few months ago, I didn't tell many people. I posted a thank you post in my FB though but some people surprised me by sending messages to ask what happened and how I coped up with it. And those were people whom I didn't expect to actually care. And just like that, we re-connected and kept in touch. It all started from a simple "Hi, how are you?"

In the end, time is the most valuable thing that we can give to our loved ones. Make an effort to pick up your phone to call or just send a message. You will never know when someone is in need of a person to talk to. Make sure to put down your phone and ignore your SNS for an hour or so when the other person is talking. This year is full of blessings to connect and re-connect for me. And I want to keep it going. Maybe you should too.

Oh yes, here's some moments with my loved ones!! There's a lot more but I haven't backed them up to my computer hahaha These will do :)

160626 Family from Sacramento, before they fly back home. Miss them already!

160707 Bro's birthday and Lebaran holiday lunch w/ Dad... at the Mall!!

160730 Sending off our cousin to University in Semarang and celebrating our birthday.

Love Is All Around

Last week I had to go through a long 3 days trip... Only 3 days but indeed felt like more than that since I wasn't going for just some fun. 

My plan was:

Day 1: Arrive, 2 appointments, rest, nice dinner

Day 2: Visit the zoo, nice lunch, nice dinner

Day 3: Shopping, more fun, nice lunch, fly home

I was stressed out for so many reasons even before I went and in the end nothing went as planned. I was so exhausted on the 1st day and had to take it easy for the next 2 days. But guess what? I have never felt so loved like I did then.

Whenever I felt lonely and down, there were always messages came to my phone whether to make me laugh, gave me encouragement, and even made me bawled my eyes out for the kind words and prayers shared. I was blessed. I AM blessed in so many ways. I experienced God's grace in unexpected ways.

I know it's not enough but I still want to thank...

YOU, for the FB messages and prayers before I left and after I returned... You don't have to be there to show me that you care... your prayers are more than enough buddy!!

YOU, for the nice dinner and shared gelato at night, for being my Momma for a night, for the encouragement and prayers, for the advises. I'm looking forward to share some alcohol in the next visit, still can't get over that green bottle! LOL God is working right now for you as well :)

YOU, for taking a day off just to make sure I wasn't lonely, gave me tons of laughter and kept reminding me to stop touching my boob even when it's itchy (Yikes!), for being my porter and carrying my shopping bags (I know those bottles weren't light!), for the wonderful lunch and bittersweet dessert... As promised, the next time you're home I'll pick you up and drive you back home :p Oh, unless we can get a handsome Uber driver like that one who took me to the airport?

YOU, for remembering my appointments and sent me whatsapp messages to lift my mood, for checking up on my conditions every single day and most importantly for the prayers that kept me holding onto God's promises and believing in HIM every step of the way. And now, for making sure that I eat healthily hahaha Veggies! Fruits! Yeah! *cry*

YOU, for making sure that I covered my bandage well and not got it wet... Yes, I knew there's a hole. Yes, you frightened me with those stories of holes went rotten and stuff. You're the one who didn't stop messaging but then telling me you need to sleep (as if I don't?). But I know I can count on you when I need some reality check ;)

YOU, YOU and YOU... Every single one of YOU who thought of me, prayed for me and spent time to send me endless messages and questions and advises and laughter, every single time when I least expected them. 

I received a good result but there's still some follow up in the next 6 months... I hope that it'll be a better visit, more fun, more good food and definitely stress free :D

No matter how hard were my days, God is watching over me through all of you. I feel the love. And the love is all around me. Bless you!!!

We're connected... NOT!

When someone asked me: "Are you dependent on your mobile and SNS?", it's really hard for me to reply confidently "No." Cause to be honest, I might be dependent on it in one way or another. Outside my will.

If I could, I'd like to spend a day without data connection. Just phone calls and text message (SMS). And I'd love not to take a look at my Instagram, or Facebook, or Twitter. But high chance that I'd miss something very important. We are all so well connected but not really. Or not at all.

I still keep my Facebook active because I have so many friends from all over the world, it's really nice to be able to see how the others are doing and exchanging messages, pictures and encouraging messages once in a while. To also share how are we doing to others as well. Though lately I was forced to un-friend those whose posts were not so encouraging or made me want to punch them in the face. Good thing that FB now also has unfollowing menu so I don't have to see their posts in my timeline but I could still be in contact if needed.

There were times when I didn't check on my FB regularly. Results? I missed a friend giving birth, I didn't know when someone passed away, and I missed an event with an FB event invitation. I mean, we were chatting just a few days ago and they didn't bother to send me a message that someone passed away just because "Oh, I posted it in FB. You didn't see?" >_<

My cousin created my twitter account for me in my phone while I wasn't watching. I asked her why. She said so she could be in touch me. I was like: "But we can always send messages or chat through our mobiles?" She laughed and said everyone has it now. OK, fine. I don't regret it now, I have more followers than following anyway. And without having to turn on the TV I can still find out what's happening around the world by following some big news station. Still, I don't get people who complains just about everything in a few posts all the time. Which ended up with my unfollowing of course.

Instagram? This is one SNS that I kept trying to avoid so much until last year. I mean, I already posts my pictures in FB why would I need an account to post pictures only? But then when I ask a friend that I want to see her daughter's picture and why she posts one in FB, I got this as a reply: "Oh, I posted her pictures in Instagram. You can follow me there." That is one. Then I want to order some cakes that my friend bought, I asked her where can I order since the cakery didn't have a store. Again, "They only have instagram. Here, you can follow this." I was so frustrated that I finally created an account and just like everyone else, I posted some useless stuff like my Stitch collection and food that I ate... just because :p 

 my screen :)

People are getting impersonal. We think that we're connected enough through SNS but not really. You think you know how someone's doing by reading their status or looking at the pictures they posted, but not really. Those are the reasons why I prefer to send messages through text / chat application if I have their mobile numbers; whether it's wishing a happy birthday or convey my condolences. Many times, I received more than just a thanks. I really got to find out how they were doing and sometimes not as good as they seemed to be in SNS.

And how about chat apps? This also frustrates me much!! When there was only SMS, people tend to write short messages, trying to include as many info as possible in 1 message. In chat rooms? It goes like this:

Hey

   How are you?

      Busy?

         Oh yeah

            I forgot

               She called 

One word one line. People, it's damn annoying.

And then I got tired of sending sms back and forth to a cousin. I asked him if he has any chat apps installed? He said yeah, he got LINE. I sent him a long message through LINE and he only read it like 5 hours later and replied with "Sorry, I don't use it much and hardly read it." So why the heck did you tell me to send you messages there??!?!?!

I have 3 chat apps in my phone: Whatsapp (basically to connect with almost everyone, business included), Kakao Talk (to connect with my Korean friends) and LINE (to connect with some Japanese & Indonesian friends -- who just like the cute stickers, tbh LOL). Then another cousin added me in all chat apps. One day she messaged me through Whatsapp, another day through LINE and many times when I tried to message her I had no idea where to send cause sometimes she uses one chat app and the other tomorrow. I just had to send to all 3 and see where she replied from. What's even funnier, we used to connect through Blackberry Messenger (BBM), but last year I kinda threw my BB out the car window accidentally and broke the LCD. So I switched to android and now both my mobiles are androids. No more BB.

Some people I know were still using Blackberry only so I had no choice then but to install BBM app in my android. But then that cousin-who-added-me-in-all-chatapps asked me to add her in my BBM. And she's using android. I was like: "Why do you need me to add you there? You're using android and so do I. You added me in all 3 chat apps." She laughed and said "Oh, just because. So I have you in all apps." Didn't. Make. Sense. To. Me. At. All.

I also feel sad that in the rare moments that I get to see my friends in one table, everyone just can't seem to not checking their mobiles instead of sitting and looking at me in the eye while conversing. I feel neglected. Oh yes, I also put my mobiles on the table and check the messages that come in once in a while. If it needs to be replied right away, I would. But most of the times, I ignore the unimportant messages and reply when I got home. I hardly check my SNS unless I need to show something that I saw or read in there to the other party in the table.

I really wish that next time I see my friends and family, we all can set aside our mobiles and really talk. We will laugh together from a funny story we tell each other, we will cry together over each other's heartbreak, and I will be able to see you in the eye and see that I matter to you, that you really care. That's when we're really connected.

Starting Over

Many people kind of raised their eyebrows in knowing my latest interest in baking and cooking. I couldn't blame them. I guess only people who are really close to me and know me for a long time could understand this new obsession.

I'm okay with question such as "Hey, what starts this obsession?" or "Why, just realize that you're a woman now?" but the question that I dislike the most is "Preparing yourself to get married?". Heck, what's getting married and cooking / baking got to do with each other? I have a friend who can't cook sh*t but her husband is one of the best cook I've ever known! Do they have a problem? No. Does the husband complain? No. So why should people complains on behalf of unable-to-cook-wives of the world? SMH.

And just FYI, my Mom couldn't cook when she married my Father but she learned. Still, my Dad used to make the best fish-balls I've ever tasted! No msg, no flour, just with his bare-hands. Darn, I wish he can still do that, but alas, it needs power to make fish-balls, believe me, I saw him made them when I was little LOL And sometimes he still cooks for himself even now.

People are also surprised when they find out that I like crafting. Nah... not that kind of crafting that I can make money of but I do like working with my hands, thread and needles. I used to make my own Christmas cards for friends, sew my own pouch (by hand, since we never had a sewing machine at home), make my own picture diary with stickers and such. But they're so time consuming that I just can't do it anymore.

Back to cooking and baking. There is a good reason why I never show a lot of interest on it before. My Mom. She's a good baker to be honest and through the years she became a good cook for us. I was always curious and wanted to learn from her, but I never got the chance too. She said I was a nuisance in the kitchen. She said she hated me hovering over her while she was cooking and baking. The simple snacks I could make from flour and cassava, I learned from my maid who was patient enough to buy the ingredients and taught me when my mom wasn't home. And whatever I made, my mom never wanted to taste even once. So I made it, I ate it.

As I grew up, I never had the confidence to put my hands on recipes or even going near the stove except for boiling water or cooking instant noodles. I felt like whatever I made was going to be a disaster compared to my Mom's. Same as my way of dressing. Until the day my Mom died, I could never dress up myself with my own style nor could I walk out of the house without her approving of my clothing. What she bought or thought look nice, I had to wear, no questions asked. Only after she passed away I gradually changed my whole wardrobe and started dressing according to my own style and liking. At the age of 32.

After she died and no one to cook at home, I started buying recipe books, cooking pasta for my friends who were visiting, even looked into the fridge and mixed stuff that's left in it. Sometimes they're bad (but I still finished them anyway LOL), sometimes they're okay (my Dad didn't mind to eat them) and sometimes they're good (that my friends requested me to cook for them again). But I finally learned that "Hey, I can do this! I'm not that bad!" The more I tried, the more I realized that "Yes, cooking is great, especially when people can actually eat what I cook!" I don't have an oven at home, so I haven't started with baking, but I will very soon, once I got enough money to buy a nice oven :)

I'm starting over.

A month ago, I tried my hands on some no-bake-cake recipes. The Nuttela-cheesecake was okay but the Marshmallow-oreo was a disaster LOL But that didn't stop me from trying. Last Saturday I tried to make my very first mini donuts and my Aunt happened to visit while I was frying them. She said it tasted wonderful! Maybe she was trying to make me feel good hahaha but I didn't mind. She ate 5 of them (or maybe more?) and said the most wonderful thing I've always wished I could hear from my mom: "Would you like me to teach you Grandma's pudding recipe?" It's one of my mom's specialty inherited from my Grandma. I never tasted any good chocolate pudding as the one I always ate when my Mom and Grandma were alive. I'm excited.

I'm starting over.

I'm going to take baking course. I'm going to schedule a pudding-making lesson from my Aunt. I'm going to try more recipes. And I'm going to dye my hair Plum again.

I'm starting over. And it's never too late to start over.

I don't feel bitter anymore about my mom's attitude toward my kitchen interest. If she let me learned from her, maybe I won't be this excited again. Maybe I won't have the drive to try something new. Maybe I won't discover new joys in life in such simple actions as learning to make pudding. But mothers, please let your daughters or sons learn from you. It might be a disaster in the kitchen, you might feel annoyed. But believe me, it will be something that your children treasures when they grow up. Teach them with patience, show them what you can do. And one day they can proudly say: "Hey, my Mom taught me this! How cool is that?"

Lastly, I've posted this in Facebook, but again, please ignore the strangely shaped donuts. Apparently it wasn't easy to create a round-and-full donuts with just two spoons even though you've watched the tutorial in youtube a hundred times!

Finally... When?

Good news first, my brother is getting married in April 18!! Woohoo!! First wedding in the family... and might be the last if I can make a choice LOL Any bad news? Not really... rather than sharing bad news, I want to share a little of what every singles like me dreaded to hear around a wedding.

Every single time I shared the good news, 99% it was replied with: "Oh, finally! Congrats to your brother!" which was no surprise for a couple of reasons (a) They've been dating for 6 years already and (b) There's really "finally" a wedding coming in our family. And then another 99% will be followed with, "And when's yours?" that made me feel like printing an A4 sized paper, laminated, with the words: "No boyfriend, don't even think of asking me when." in bold red, all CAPITAL.

Then strings of theory of "why you're still single" or "don't give up hope" or even "what's wrong with you?" started as I was just staring into nothing and pretended that I was listening and ready to give them another sheet of paper that says: "Being single is also an option and a choice."

I am not going to rant here and tell you all the reasons of why I'm still single, chose to be single and still happy to be one. Email me if you're curious, I might reply LMAO But the point is, I just don't get why being single is a such a disgrace or such a burdensome state. I mean, hellooooooo I kept hearing of married people complaining about their family or even worse about their spouses. Why would you expect to me to get rid of my singleness when you can't even be happy with your marriage? D'UH!

Anyway, yes I'm a bit excited cause we're inviting a lot of people that I haven't seen in a such a long time for the reception so this could be another reunion for long lost families and friends LOL What a grand reunion! I plan to visit some of the elders to hand out the invitations in the next few weeks and hopefully they all can make it on the D-Day :)

What else? Oh yeah, I will have to accompany my Dad on the stage during the reception; still hope to be able to mingle and have fun with the guests though TT___TT I don't like the material and the color of the traditional dress I'll have to wear, but I don't have a choice, gotta match the future in law's dress. At least I get to wear whatever I like for the Holy Matrimony, oh yeah!

I Remember You

So a few weeks ago I had big dinner to celebrate Big Boss' birthday. Dinner was held in a restaurant located in an office building where I used to work until 7 years ago.

The office was based there for 7 years also, and moved from the 17th floor, to the 6th floor then eventually to the 2nd floor of the Annex building after the company slimmed down to only me and the boss. If other building used a Security Company for the guards, this building managed their own securities and guards; so during those 7 years I worked there I knew almost everyone from front to back. Sometimes they asked for a cup of coffee which I gladly provided them, cause then whenever I have to worked overtime until as late as 11pm, the guards would take turn in checking up on me and of course to find me a taxi to get home :)

Since the company moved out, I dropped by the building just twice or thrice, and occasionally found a familiar faces in the front desk / concierge or the parking lot. But that night, I was in for a big surprise.

As we finished dinner around 10pm, we had to go out of the restaurant and re-entered the building to take the elevator to the parking lot. I was laughing with the other guys and said goodbye when someone suddenly grabbed my hand and shouted: "It's been a long time since I saw you!!"

My friend was surprised but I was even more surprised cause it was actually one of the guard that I knew many years ago; holding my hand with a grin on his face! I couldn't hold my laughter and told him back: "Pak (Sir), it's been a long time indeed!! How did you even still recognize me?"

Then another guard came running to us with the same grin on his face and held my other hand, saying: "I knew it was you when you came in! You haven't changed at all!" Mind you, I changed a lot in my opinion! LOL So there I was, standing in the lobby with 2 old security guards holding my hands as if I was their long lost daughter!

We chatted for awhile, they asked me where I work now and stuff... Then I told them that it's late already and I really had to go home. One of them asked me: "You're going to the parking lot? Does it mean that you're driving your own car now?" I just nodded and he beamed: "I'm happy for you that you drive now!! You used to take the ojek (motorcycle taxi) or a taxi back then, but now you're driving your own car, I'm so proud of you!"

In that moment, I felt so touched with their attention and cares. There were some leftover deserts from the dinner that the boss asked me to pack, so I left those for them and told them "to enjoy it during their breaks in the night shift." They took me to the elevator, waited for it to arrive and waved at me until the door was closed.

I was still smiling and thinking about what just happened a few minutes ago. When I gave my parking ticket on the way out of the building, apparently there's another security guard inside the box with the parking person. He made a double take at me and smiled: "It's you! What brought you here? Long time no see!" I was in for another surprise! But it only took a minute or so to pay the parking fee and out of the building, so I shouted at him before I drove by: "I'm sorry I couldn't talk you for long, but I wish you take care of yourself. Goodnight!" He waved at me and yelled loudly: "Bye bye!!"

During the drive from the building to home I couldn't stop smiling and laughing by myself. I really felt grateful that those old men still remember me well even after 7 years. I was also happy to see that they are well, and I felt humble that someone like me was still remembered by them. They must've seen hundreds of people coming in and out of the building everyday and 7 years wasn't a short period, but somehow they didn't forget me.

The other guys who were waiting for their cars and saw what happened asked me later on, who were they. I told them they're the building's security guards and kind of remembered me from where I worked there. They raised their eyebrows: "They still remember you? What did you do back then?" I shrugged and just said: "Don't ask me, I have no idea, it still surprised me."

Whatever I did that made them remember me that way, I still couldn't forget the way they smiled at me and the warmth of their hands holding mine as if to welcome me back there.

Thank you for remembering me, Pak. I won't forget you too and I wish you stay healthy and safe at work. Next time I drop by, I hope to be able to say more to you.

I will remember you all, just like you have remembered me.

Missing You

Is it possible to miss someone that you only knew for a few days??

On my holiday to South Korea 2 year ago, I stayed at an apartment that belonged to a kind-hearted Uncle. He really cared about us, more than a host should and so did his family. Even though his wife didn't speak English, she still came down to check up on us and what we might run out in the fridge. When we said that we liked Kimchi, she sent some of her own home-made to us downstairs (the family lived in the 5th Floor while we stayed at the 1st).

On our last day in Seoul, we woke him up at 5am to take us to the bus station to take the shuttle to the airport. Somehow I became teary eyed and we hugged for a long time until the bus driver honked me to quickly get in so the bus can leave :) It was in October.

In December I sent him a framed picture of us together which we took at the apartment and somehow someway he found me in Kakao Talk and we started to communicate regularly. 

He sent me pictures of his hometown on Seollal, I sent him a picture of me being trapped in Jakarta's traffic jam. 

When I told him I was a little bit sick, he sent me a short prayer.

When I dyed my hair red and asked me how did I look? He told me I was pretty like a K-pop Idol :)

Somehow this morning I felt kind of missed him and sent him a "Hi, how are you?" He replied with: "I miss you so much." And suddenly I felt like crying. 

I told him I missed him and Seoul as well, he told me that he had plans to come to Jakarta and will call me.

I told him that I'm getting a new job and won't be able to go on vacation for a while. He sent me a picture of him and his wife by the beautiful sea and told me that if I ever return to Seoul he will take me to another holiday with his family.

I told him that now I really really really miss him. And he showed me of that framed picture of ours, hanging proudly in his living room wall along with his son's graduation picture.

So know I now that it's possible to miss someone that I only knew for a few days. Badly.

It's not how long you know someone to show that you care, it's in the heart. And I can't wait for another chance too see him and his family again. Hopefully soon.

I love you Uncle Sang Woo and hope to see you soon, be it in Jakarta or in Seoul v(^w^)v

The Life of a Fangirl

Most people who's not into idol-ship, always laugh at my face and says I'm too old for idol-shipping. But again and again I told them, "These are the things that make me happy and I don't ask for your money to fund my idol-shipping life-style, so why bother me?"

If you think that I have such a bad case of idol shipping, I'm telling you, "You ain't seen nothing yet, baby!" I'm not even like... 20% into it like many people that I know of. You wanna know some?

BAD CASE OF IDOL-SHIPPING

(1) Make a living out of following the idols wherever they go. They take pictures of them in concerts, airports, outside their agencies, etc. Compile the pictures in a hard cover book, sell them to other fangirls. And I'm telling you, they're not cheap.

(2) Buy every products the idols endorse. Be it skin care, clothing, accessories, name it! There are always hundreds of rich fangirls who would buy.

(3) Gift their idols with expensive and branded stuff. From Tiffany's necklace, Givenchy coat to Louis Vuitton purse. Yeah... I wish I could afford at least one of them LOL

(4) Buy every CDs & DVDs that the idols release. Yes, it's normal, I know. But not when the same CD is released in several types with different bonus and cover. Worse when you ship a group. If they have 5 members and release a CD with a random bonus of each member's photo, and you don't get the one that you want? Some fangirls would keep buying until they get what they want. At least others gave up at after 5 and just trade the photo online. Oh, bless the fandom!

(5) Attending the idols' concerts in every part of the world. Yes, there are some people who can afford it, believe it or not :)

Those are probably just half of the reality but they don't impress me less anyway. In fact, I don't do any of them. Heck, I can't even afford a new smartphone every year (every 2 years is the most) how the hell would I afford travelling around the world or purchase 10 different CDs & DVDs every 6 months!!

So you see, I'm just a normal fangirl in this idol-shipping world, just one ordinary fan in fandom. So what do I do to stay as a 'good fangirl' ?

MY CASE OF IDOL-SHIPPING

(1) Buy their new released CDs online through itunes as soon they're up for sale. It's not that I don't want the bonus or the photos, but like I said 'Bless the fandom', there are always kind-hearted people who would upload the bonus with subtitle and scan hi-res photos and provide them online for me to download T___T Oh, and of course, the never ending downloads of their performances and every variety shows they're in!

(2) I dyed my hair in the same shade of my favorite boys :) Well, I can afford this one for sure and it's not so damaging to my wallet.

(3) Contemplating over an hour of whether to buy or not to buy the new DVD that contains the boy's BTS video on their concerts, hotel rooms, rehearsals etc... with my fingers hovering over the PC's keyboard staring at DVDHeaven's website... and finally clicked 'Pre-Order Now' and wince over my credit card bills a month later. Oh, and shocked the whole office when I scream when the DVD arrives.

(4) Still at work and suddenly can't continue working after seeing Baekhyun's new hair color in livejournal -- possibly for the new album's concept. I mean, Baekhyun in black is just... I just cant! 

credit: as in picture

So I guess I'm just a normal girl who happens to like boybands and pretty boys, yes? Nothing out of the ordinary. And I don't care if you wanna judge me, they make me happy.

I spend only what I can afford, sing along to their songs, and laugh out loud over their idiocy in variety shows. Ah... the life of a fangirl :)

Pregnancy & Expectations

In case you're wondering if I'm pregnant... well, I'm not :) But someone close to me is. And I'd like to share this amazing journey of her pregnancy.

One thing I could also share is that I was never fond of pregnancy. Sure, I love babies, I love children, but only after they were born. I didn't like being close to a pregnant woman. I suddenly felt awkward, like I should at least make a comment but other than: "When is the baby due?" and "I hope you have a healthy pregnancy.", I completely had no idea what to say. 

If you think that's weird, I also couldn't stand being close to them, let alone touch the baby bump! I had a shiver down my spine when someone asked me to touch her baby bump many years ago. But finally... just finally... I fell in love with one special baby bump of my friend, Pitshu :)

I didn't know how and why, but when she told me that she was pregnant in July 6, 2013, I was a little overwhelmed. Something like, "Oh! It happens!" She also told me that I was one of the firsts to know, that made me feel a bit special but that's that. Then she asked me for reference to be her obgyn for this pregnancy. I was like: "Errr, I'm not married and I've never been pregnant, why are you asking me of all people?" LOL Of course I wasn't the only one that she asked for reference, but she trusted me, and that made me feel even more special and more into her pregnancy, especially since she chose the doctor that I recommended based on my other friends' recommendation.

From then on, the journey of expectations started, not just for her and her husband and also for me. I may never accompanied her to any of her visits (her schedules are always on weekdays and in the morning) but everytime she returned from the obgyn she would 'report' to me everything about the baby. From the size, the health, its position and finally its gender. IT'S A BOY! And I was laughing loudly when she announced! She asked me why I was so happy that it's a boy, and I replied to her: "Because then I could take him out to play with just a pair of shorts and T-shirt! I don't know what to do with girls, too much of a hassle!" And another expectations bloomed... I started to look forward for the development of the baby.

Know what's the biggest change in me? I love her baby bump & couldn't stop myself from touching and caressing it everytime we met! ROFL Finally... there's a pregnant woman that I could stand being close to and a baby bump I fell in love with.

I still have no idea how it happened... but I'm happy with this experience that my friend had kindly shared with me and let me be a part of it. Maybe because she tried to involve me into her pregnancy (unintended and unexpectedly) from day 1, or maybe just because we're close, but for whatever reason, she made me happy. And the (soon to be arriving) baby made me happy. Just like my friend and her husband have expectations for the baby, I also had mine. That I will see him growing up healthily, that one day I'll get to take him to play and watch movies, that I'll take him out for ice cream even when his parents say no :)

Pitshu is due in a couple of weeks... I wish her only the best in everything... and that the baby boy will be born safely and healthily. And here's a picture of the three of us last Saturday. BABY BOY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE YOU SOON!!!

Connect and Reconnect

Funny how the death of our loved one can also bring us to another form of relationship. To get to know someone new or just catching up with those we lost ties many years ago.

Last month I just lost my cousin whom I haven't met for many years. The moment I found out about her illness she was already in her 3rd comatose day in the Intensive Care Unit. It was a shock to our big family cause we never heard that she's been sick or anything since her husband's death a few years ago. And she lived out of town, about 5 hours train ride from where I live.

I've been sick for a few weeks at that time and wasn't able to take a leave from the office. So I asked for my nieces' mobile numbers from my other cousin. A few messages later I was struck with a feeling that this might be the last time I would be able to see her. I found out about her declining condition on Thursday morning, decided to go and see her on that night, asked my brother to buy me train tickets on Friday morning and took the Saturday morning train with my cousin & one of my aunts.

And I never regret my decision to come.

It was an exhausting trip especially in my condition. I couldn't sleep well the night before, afraid that I would wake up late. As soon as we arrived we searched for return tickets and apparently the only tickets available are leaving on the same day around midnight. Sunday train tickets were all sold out, so we bought the midnight tickets right away.

My comatose cousin's 2 daughters picked us up at the station, and it's also been many years since I saw them. One of them is already a mother of 3 (the youngest was only 5 months old) and the other one was actually working in Dubai and took an emergency leave to see her mother. We went directly to the hospital to see my cousin and met another daughter of hers who lived with her in the same house. We only got 1 chance to see her outside the visiting hour but I used that few minutes to pray for her and told her that I was there.

From the hospital we went to my cousin's place to have shower and to catch an early dinner there. Surprisingly, I got to meet my 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons there including the 5 months old baby, Jasmine. We spent our limited hours trying to catch up on our personal lives, shared some laughter in the middle of our sadness, held my grandchildren whom I never met since they were born and most importantly prayed together for my cousin and her children. That night we separated with a heavy heart, like leaving our family behind.

2 days after my return my cousin passed away. And I didn't get to go over for her funeral but my dear cousin Sarah did.

And she returned with a bunch of stories that broke my heart but also made me long to see my long lost nieces and grandchildren again.

Last week suddenly I received a message from one of my niece in Dubai. She told me how much she missed her mom and felt that she hadn't done enough for her. I told her that I felt the same when my mom passed away, but she has to believe that she has made her happy when she was alive. And I'm happy that she could share how she felt with me cause it meant that I have become a real family and friend for her.

Isn't it funny what death can do? It separates you from the one you love, but it can also you brings you someone else to love. In my case, I got to connect with the grandchildren I've never seen and re-connect with the nieces I haven't met for more than a decade.

When I decided to see my comatose cousin those few weeks ago, I twitted this:

How sad that we have to see each other in this kind of circumstances instead of a happy one.

But now after thinking about everything that has happened this past month, I thought that we didn't reconnect in a less fortunate circumstance either. I have met my nieces in the moment when they needed my support and comfort most. Thus, we got to see each other's heart deeper and in a more open way than laughter could bring. We held each other's hands when we prayed, we embraced each other tightly when we said 'so long'.

I promised myself to get to know them better from now on. 
To rebuild the broken bridge between their parents and myself.
To be a part of my grandchildren's growth and (hopefully) future. I don't want them to see me one day and doesn't even know my name.

Life in a big city takes up so much time and energy from us. But if we can spend a day hanging out at the mall why can't we spend another just to get to know our extended family better?

I still have more long lost cousins, nieces and nephews that I have to connect and reconnect with. And I promise myself to get to know them more with laughter... so when the sad moments come, we're ready to share our burdens without the awkwardness and fear of not being understood.

And here's the bonus, pictures of my grandchildren. Aren't they beautiful? :)

With Jessica and Jasmine 

With 5 month-old Jasmine

Finally...

I just realized that I posted a long time ago to start taking guitar lesson but I never did... There were so many reasons (or excuses?) that prevented me to go ahead and register myself to one. But last week I finally did and now I'm so looking forward to my first lesson in November.

Checked Yamaha Music School nearby the office if they have a late night class and was told they have Acoustic Guitar class every Thursday at 8pm, new class starts every month. The next day I  went and registered myself for the next new class.

I took the class because I wanted to be able to play better. I play guitar and sing to make myself feel better but end up feeling frustrated because of my limited chords' ability LOL Actually I was considering to take drum lesson since I've had the basic and had taken an informal lesson long time ago, but since I don't even have a drum set I guess I'd have to hold it for the time being.

But yeah, I'd like to continue my drum lesson next year. My cousin said  I should just bought a drum pad for exercising at home but after checking the price I could actually get an electric drum set for a little more. I hope I can save more money to buy one next year and eventually have my drum lesson while still continuing my guitar class.

Well, never too late to start something :) I haven't even started yet but I already have a list of songs that I'd like to be able to play soon ROFL

My Purple / Violet Story

It all started with a pair of sneakers.

So I finally redyed my red hair that began to look like a mix of half dirty blonde half orange with a shade of red. This time I went to a real professional, a Korean stylist. Once I was seated and my hair washed, the stylist - Mr. Yun - asked me: "What color do you want for your hair?" I wanted EXO's Baekyun's hair color the moment I saw it in Wolf promo, so I took out my phone, browsed the gallery and showed him 2 pictures of my purple haired baby.

He smiled and said: "So you like purple?" It's the first time that someone asked me such a simple question but it took me a few seconds to answer. "I guess?... Yeah, I think I do." And he told me: "Okay, this time we're doing Hair Manicure instead of coloring, and the color is violet." I just nodded in agreement though I didn't understand LOL

Two hours later I went out of the hair boutique with a fluffy violet hair, new hair style and lavender nails (the service came with free manicure) :) And I had to admit that I love my new look! Hahaha And here comes the story of how I got to love the color purple / violet...

My wardrobe and accessories have always been limited to basic colors such as black, grey, charcoal, navy, silver or dark brown. I'm too lazy to mix and match my outfit so those colors are considered 'safe' for me. With an exception of Blue. I think I don't mind with any shades of blue, be it baby blue, navy or sky blue or whatever blue there is. And I'm the kind who dress up in one tone, so I just have to have my stuff in those range of colors.

Until I wanted a pair of fitflop sneakers. What I wanted came in 3 colors: Dark Shadow Silver, Plum Metallica and Navy Blue. Of course my first choice was Dark Shadow Silver, but they ran out of my size. Navy Blue still had my size but my cousin said that Plum Metallica looked nicer. I thought, why not wait another day before I made up my mind? 

But of course the next day when I logged in there's no more Navy Blue with my size. That left me with no option but Plum Metallica. I'm veeeeerrrryyy picky with shoes but that's another story. To make a long story short, I reluctantly bought the Plum Metallica sneakers.

The sneakers fit me perfectly. And I just love to wear it anywhere since it's super comfortable. But of course, it would look better with matching clothes, right? Right?

So I started buying purple / violet shirts... then bracelet... then pen... then other small stuff follow to the point where I can wear purple / violet color coordinated outfit and finally I admitted at the Korean Hair Boutique, yes I like purple now. Anyone who wants to buy me anything, please remember that purple / violet is now an option ROFL

Oh, not to forget, here's my new look straight out of the Hair Boutique... How do you like it? I love it, thank you very much hahaha

photo courtesy of Ade Julianti

I'll miss you...

Every Sunday morning at church, there's a grandma sitting at the very back who would give me a hug and kisses on my cheeks. Sometimes she brought me chocolates or candies, wrapped them up in small plastic bags and slipped them into my palm as she kissed me.

She sat at the back because she used a cane and had trouble walking. If we looked at each other from afar she would wave her hands at me and gave me her sweetest smile. Oma Hartati was one of my highlight on Sunday service but God loved her more. She passed away last Saturday day night after celebrating her 86th birthday on September 3rd. And I didn't realize just how much I would miss seeing her until she's gone.

And this brought back so many memories of those who had left us lately. I was so taken aback by the fact that death always left us astounded no matter how close or how far we are from it. Even the death of  people we don't know personally would still leave us overwhelmed, in disbelief.

Last year I got to watch Tohoshinki's TONE Tour at Osaka-jo Hall. I had a hard time in obtaining the tickets but I had help from a Japanese girl that went by with the name t-hikari (or hikari-chan by her online friends) who posted a complete info on how tickets were sold in Japan. I sent her a few messages and she kindly replied with info and a kind wish. In the end someone else got me the tickets but I still got to read her LJ every now and then and she kept replying to my comments.

Imagine the shock when I read messages & twits on June 11th that that she had passed away the day before after battling breast cancer for a couple of years, and just before she started a new series of chemo. To be honest, I really enjoyed reading her amusing LJ posts about our beloved duo. And right after the announcement of her passing by her sister, she also deleted all of her posts because it hurt her too much read all the happy words that she had written, reflecting her real self as a devoted fan. I can totally understand that though I wished I had saved some of her writings just to have a laughter or two.

Every encounter has its own memories. And I'm glad that I have shared a happy memory with both Oma Hartati and hikari-chan. It's not whether you know someone in the flesh or how well you know someone to feel the loss through death. It still hurts.

No matter how much we hurt, life goes on for the living. I'll miss them both, but I'll be smiling when I remembered how happy they had been and they had made me no matter how short the time we knew each other.

I'll miss your hugs and kisses Oma Hartati, till we meet again in heaven!

And thank you for the sweet memory and the chance to get to know you, hikari-chan! You'll always be remembered when I look at our boys :)

WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR OURSELVES ALONE DIES WITH US; WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR OTHERS AND THE WORLD REMAINS AND IS IMMORTAL.

- Albert Pike -

I'm not addicted to hair dyeing!

Unlike some people's opinion that I'm addicted to dyeing my hair, no, I AM NOT!! I re-dyed my hair because the first one didn't live up to my expectations. I was surprised when I looked at it, true, but the longer I stared at my hair the more I longed for the actual color I imagined especially since the old hair dye washed out quickly leaving my hair looked half blonde half orange :( And finally I re-dyed it again last week with the help of a real professional LOL Credits to Pram from L'oreal Jakarta who asked me dubiously when I pointed to the color: "It's usually used as highlight cause it's very bright, are you sure you're confident enough to have it on the whole head?". To which I replied (and made him grin from ear to ear): "You have no idea how confident I can be!"

Here's the result, shiny isn't it? *grin*

Left: with room lighting, Right: with natural lighting. 

And don't I just love my boss? I sent him a message a few days before I dyed my hair:

"Can I leave the office at 3pm on Monday? I want to re-dye my hair cause I finally found a place that has the right shade of red. Since it's the fasting month and offices are closed earlier, the guy can only do it at 4pm."

Reply: "Sure. Why red again and not blue?"

"I wanted to dye it blue but I guess **** and **** won't agree :( The elders already raised eyebrows to my current hair can't imagine what they'll say next week. Anyway, dyeing my hair blue is already on the list of my things to do before I die."

Reply: "Hahaha Go for it."

My friend who knew I left early to do that thought I was crazy for telling my boss the truth, that I left "just to dye my hair". To be honest, I don't see the need to lie cause I've been dedicated enough with my work. Why lie and get yourself into trouble later when you can be honest and dye your hair in peace without being afraid of the office ringing you? LOL

So, do you like the new red as much as I do? :)

Makeover

So I finally dyed my hair RED. Yes, RED. After contemplating for a (really) long time, now I'm officially a red head.

Like I've always mentioned many times, there were two things that people was always mistaken about me: (1) That I dye my hair brown. Really, it's natural and my mother used to try hard to turn it black to no avail. (2) That I wear brown lenses. Again, it's my natural eye color, I couldn't even wear contacts cause I can't stop rubbing my eyes for many reasons!

And since I couldn't fix number (2), however I could always fix number (1). So this is the first picture after I returned from the hair salon last night. Please ignore the pimples T____T

Even though I have kind of imagined what it would look like, it still surprised me just how red it looked like! LOL When I got home, my dad didn't say anything, he just stared at me and sighed hahaha I didn't want to ask him anything though :p

As for my lil' brother... he told me: "Why don't you get a costume and take pictures with it? I kind of imagining you posing with a sword!" I was like, "Huh??"

If I was surprised last night, imagine my reaction when I looked at my self in bright daylight! The red hair even looked brighter! :) Again, ignore the pimples, I know they're not cute :(

Most friends were curious as to why I did this. I have several answers. First, my natural hair is brown, why would I dye it in another shade brown? I surely didn't want to dye it blonde and I didn't have enough guts to have candy color hair, but I think red is still manageable for me.

I also sent a message to my boss who's traveling now, "I dyed my hair red, I hope it's okay with you? :D" He replied: "Fine with me. Why you dyed it red?" My reply to him was: "Cause I promised to do it together with my close friend. Or maybe I just want to do something crazy for once in my life."

Just like my previous post, many people thought of me as boring or inflexible almost in everything and I humbly accepted that opinion since I realized that's exactly what I am.  I'm not trying to prove anything here, but I want to assure myself that I can be fun too. I can't dress up sexily with my figure, I still can't put up make-ups the right way to look beautiful, I still learned to change little by little everyday... but my hair color? I can change it NOW.

So here I am with red hair. And to tell the truth? I enjoy every single attention and reaction to it. Tell ya', I can be fun too ;)

OCD? OCPD?

For a long time my close friends have suspected (or accused?) me of having a terrible symptom of Obssessive Compulsive Disorder or better known with its abbreviation, OCD.

Why? After much observation on their side, they felt that I fit the description :) Don't I think so? Well, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my habitual actions definitely! After all, they are habits, I do it all the time consciously and unconsciously. And then I started to notice the things freaked me out a little. Am I really having OCD?

Let's start to list down the symptoms or should I say, my actions?

1. I'm indexing all of my stuff. From CD, downloads, movies, especially books. I filed them in several ways. For books: Title - Author - Number of Volumes - Condition of the books - Box Number. Then I made the same list with the Author names comes first in case I forget the title but I know who writes it. Books like novels that I read and re-read many times, I put in the book shelf right in front of my bed. So I could get them anytime I feel like reading them. As for the others, especially comics -- as you can guess from the way I arranged them, I put them in numbered boxes. So when I want to read one, I only need to refer to my index list and won't waste time to look for it.

I consider this normal, apparently not so. How about you?

2.  All of my word files are using the same font size, same margins & same paragraph spacing. There were cases when my friends wanted me to read something that they thought interesting and sent me an unorganized word file (i.e: different margins from one paragraph to another, different font size in a page or excessive spacings because it's copied from an html page). Guess what? I wasn't able to read passed the second pages until I edited it according to my standard. Otherwise it gave me headaches and I'd just threw it away. Another reason why I'm highly annoyed to receive a file that I can't edit but have to read or review. Believe it or not, it stressed me out and will take a long time for me to finish.

Do you think it's too much? Are you able to read any unorganized file?

3. Everything has to be planned ahead. Abrupt changes will change my mood drastically. I usually know on Sunday night what I want to do for the next week, when I think I want to go out, what to read, what to wear. Unless the changes happen naturally, then it's doomsday for me. Let's say I promised to meet someone since a week ago and that person cancels one day prior to the meeting. I would be a in a terrible mood! Like I don't know what else to do with my tomorrow when we're supposed to meet and I'll be sulking the whole day. Another example that annoyed me most was when I went to a restaurant with every intention to eat something. I ordered, wait for 15 minutes, then the waiter returned saying that it's not available. In most cases when I'm with friends, I would bear the disappointment and tried to order something else that I wouldn't enjoy. But when I'm by myself, I just looked at the waiter in the eye, paid for my drink and left without a single word and ended up not eating anything almost the whole day.

Another downside to this is I can hardly enjoy impromptu trip or activities. Once or twice when I'm really in a superb mood then it can turn out to be an amazing experience. Hardly. More than myself, looks like it annoys my friends more cause they think I'm inflexible. Even on holiday, I planned it day by day down to where to eat and what time I should return. Natural changes are acceptable, i.e: the train is late, thus we arrive late at our destinations and have to re-arranged the rest of the schedule. Or suddenly it's raining, so we have to switch to a less wet place. Fine. Acceptable. But "Let's do this since it's more interesting and I think we can do what we wanted to do another day." is totally unacceptable. I'd rather go separate ways then throwing a tantrum that will only make me miserable.

Beginning to sound like a lot of trouble, don't you think? And this is where I get being called a 'perfectionist' T____T

4. I arranged my money in my wallet in a very specific way. From the smallest nomination to the biggest one, from the worst looking to the better one, faces on front - buildings on backs, right side up. I have a lot of trouble with this when paying at a cashier with a long line. I rushed and just put my changes inside, but I couldn't help thinking about what a mess the inside of my wallet is :( At the next possible moment (usually when I was ready to leave the parking lot or when I sit down to eat) I just have to re-arrange my wallet first before I feel happy again LOL

This shouldn't be a problem right? Cause I hear a lot of people do arrange their money in a similar way.

5. I don't shuffle my playlist. Let me repeat that again: I don't shuffle my playlist. If you check my ipod, tablets, and handphones, all my playlist are arranged by singer - album - track list. So if I want to listen to Jay Chou's songs, it's definitely will be from the 1st album to the last and according to the album track list. Unless I want to listen to a specific Album, then I will skip the others and play the album that I want. According to the original track list. Again, no shuffling. Then I have another playlist of Jay Chou's song separated into BALLADS & FAST TEMPO.

Don't I have a mixed playlist where all kinds of genre and tempo and singers are included? Of course I do. But (again, I'll keep saying it) according to my arrangement. I put the songs in the playlist according to how I feel when I arrange it, so when I play it I know exactly what song comes after another. There was once when my beloved cousin Sarah, shuffled my ipod's playlist intentionally, because she was getting bored of my arrangement. It took me less than 10 minutes after it played to yelled at her to put it back to normal because "I don't expect this "A" song comes after "B" when I arranged it after "D" song!" ROFL

Some people told me I'm boring because of this.

6. I have to wear my clothes from the left side to the right. Yes, you hear it right. From left to right. Meaning: when I want to wear pants, I have to put in my left foot first before my right. And when I want to wear a shirt, I have to put in my left arm first before my right. I guess this is the worst symptom that I could think of and also the one that won't annoy anyone by myself. What if I'm in a rush, I wouldn't realized whether I wear my clothes from left right or the other way around, right? No. I'd feel it. I'd feel that something is wrong and after recounted everything from the moment I wake up until I get out of the house and don't find anything wrong; the only conclusion I can get is I must've worn my clothes in the wrong way. I've experienced this before and I just have to find the closest toilet soon, undressed my self and wear it the right way. And tadaaa! Everything's cool again for me :)

Nobody elase has the right to be annoyed with this but myself.

7. I can't stand to see something out of place. When I go shopping and see a clothes fall off the rack, I automatically pick it up and hang it at the right place. When I see a book fall out of the shelf anywhere, I just have to put it back on. When I see a row of chairs and there's one that's located a bit outside the line, it's an eyesore until someone (more likely myself) put it back in line. When I sit in front of a table and it happens to have a DOT that doesn't belong to its pattern, let's just say I'd be pissed without a reason and will keep looking at it, wishing that the dot will disappear.

This also, more annoying to myself than others. Everything just has to be in place.

So what do you think after reading all of my so called 'symptoms'?  Some that I've heard are BORING, CONTROL FREAK, PERFECTIONIST. Wanna add something else?

After I made the list, curiosity got the best of me. I browsed the net to get to know what actually OCD was. To my surprise, I didn't think that it fit me no matter how people said so. You can read the descriptions HERE and HERE.

Instead, it led me to another condition called Obssessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder of OCPD. From what I have described above, I could say that I do show symptoms of OCPD but reading this page, I feel better for getting to know myself more even though it described OCPD somewhat as problematic as OCD. I do realize my inflexibility to things, my way of having to be in control most of the time and doing things "my way" and I'm still thankful that my close friends were pointing them out to me no matter how many times I chewed them out with my words of denial.

So there you go. OCPD. Not OCD. But I still have to change.

Relationship

Entering the 4th day of 2013, and yet again I'm faced with the same challenge that I faced in 2012.

There were so many things happened last year, I had to say it's very bittersweet. Traveled places, experienced new emotions and so on. But my biggest challenge in 2012 would be MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS.

Yes, you heard me correctly. And relationships are not limited to friends or family, it's including our relationship with GOD. I found a hard time to keep an intimate relationship with God, I had to admit. There were a lot of struggles and some self-pity in my part, but HE is greater than everything. HE showed me little by little that to maintain a relationship with HIM, most of the time HE just wants us to talk to HIM and quietly let HIM do the work instead of trying to so everything by ourselves. I learned my lesson, and I pray that I'll have a more intimate relationship with HIM this year, to experience HIM every single day.

Surprisingly, maintaining human relationships or perhaps friendship is a better term to call it, was just as hard. I built new relationships (meaning: new friends), upgraded some, fixed some and sadly failed one or two.

Since I didn't get a lot of holidays last year, the little spare time I had I used to reflect on myself. Why things happened the way it did, how did I fail on maintaining something that I used to be capable of doing a good job at? I thought I would never find the answer of those but right at the beginning of the new year I finally found that it's all back to my relationship with GOD.

As I struggled with my relationship with HIM, I lost patience, I lost tolerance and I became someone who lost trust in a lot of things. I became selfish and preferred to tend to myself first before others. I broke off relationships that I deemed "won't work anymore" and forgot that God could also do the same to me, yet HE kept me close and helped me fixed our relationships.

So I took time to list down each relationship that I failed to maintain. There's one thing in common, NEGATIVITY. I failed to try to understand why people were suddenly turned negative towards practically everything, I just cut them off from my circle of friends in my excuse not to taint myself with it. But guess what? That didn't make me happy either. I couldn't stop thinking about them nor stop caring. And I realized, there's a fine line between protecting your heart and ignorance. I was not protecting myself from negativity, I was being ignorant to those whom I called "negative friends."

By failing the most important relationship, I fail more of those. One cannot work without the other.

So I promised myself to love more, to do more, to learn more, to give more. I might have my heart broken by my earthly relationships, but my heavenly one will patch me up even more beautifully. And by fixing my relationship with GOD, I know I'll have the strength to rebuild the friendships that I have failed. I hope you can do the same.

Matthew 22 : 37 - 40, King James version

Jesus said unto him, Thou salt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, Thou salt love thy beighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!