1 Month

God is good. God is really really good. God is great.

My mom's passing 9 years ago was traumatic for me. For several years, I couldn't close my eyes and remember her happy healthy self. I was with her through her battle with cervix cancer for 2 years, I watched how it took away everything good from her, and yet when the time came for her... I wasn't there beside her. I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital. But you know what? She left while being sung with worship by her church friends. She left peacefully though I didn't see it. I still believe that God was holding her hand.

She left me a message though my cousins and aunts, something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do: to take care of my little brother and Dad, cause she believed I was the only one who could do that for her. I made a promise to her in front of her coffin that I would try to do my best.

Exactly one month ago, my Dad also left us all to return to our Heavenly Father. Yes, I cried a lot of tears but I also laughed just as much. God gifted me a great present, the thing that I remember most about the morning I saw him last being alive was his smile as I said goodbye to leave for work. A few hours latter the phone call came, my hand shook, my head said impossible - he was okay this morning.

One month back... I was given a chance to create more happy memories with him. I took him to the doctor and hospital, something that I hadn't been able to do. He was always scheduled on weekdays, but that one time somehow I was spared a weekend. And an extra Monday night to pick him up after an MRI then to have dinner with him and my sister in law.

I was actually had a tiring week, but something told me that I just had to go that Saturday. Then most of the time I just felt like buying food that he liked, but somehow he lost his appetite. 3 days before he went, I brought some cookies that I bought from a friend. He loved them!! He said he couldn't stop eating those, tasted so good... I was happy and we chatted in the living room for a bit. He made a joke on the brand, I was lying on my stomach in the sofa bed just listening to him.

I was struggling with something for months, I kept praying to God to give me answer. Even after my dad was settled into a coffin in the funeral home, it still felt like a dream to me. When I walked away for a moment I prayed to God: "This wasn't the answer that I expected from you, Lord. Why did you do this to me." And God never waited for long to give an answer. My cousin who worked out of town happened to be in Jakarta. When he held me in his arms he said: "Your job's done. Well done." I felt like being slapped so hard on my face, yet I still didn't understand fully what that meant.

On the second night, my brother and sister in law asked to talk to me in my bedroom. They told me that dad was concerned about me, he talked to them about how lonely I would be when he's gone, what would I do by myself... Then my brother told me: "Remember when mom died you promised her to take good care of me and dad? Well, you've done it! It's over now, it's time for us (he and his wife) to take care of you! I promised dad that you won't be alone, you have us. And it's my turn to be there for you."

I was speechless. Not about what he said. But the revelation of God's plan in our life. I could hear HIM clearly: It's not about answering your prayer. It's about MY time. And it's MY time for your dad to be with ME. Your job's done, now it's MY turn and YOUR time to live your life for yourself.

God is good. God is really really good. God is great.

And the past month I've been grateful, of how much fun Dad had shared with us. Looking at his pictures, even though I'm sad, I can also smile remembering the past 9 years I spent with him. My sister in law told me that when I took him to the cardiologist last month he was very happy. I was just waiting (and trying to sleep) at the reception room, but he told the nurses inside: "Look, my daughter has driven me here! She can't do it usually cause she has to work, but today she comes with me! That's her sitting there!" I can't ask for something better that those words.

It's only been a month... but I know I'm going to be alright. I spent more time with my brother and sister in law... laughing together, reminiscing about him together. Even though there's also a lot of things to get used to without him, I'm learning to live for myself.

In the end, God is good. God is really really good. God is great for me.

Connect and Re-connect

8 months into 2016... I do feel that time surely flies in a blink of an eye... in only 8 months so many things had happened but one most important thing that I learned is to connect and reconnect.

I tried to spend more time with my family, both immediate and extended. Timewise, I have to admit it's really not easy to do. Considering the highway, mrt, lrt and whatever constructions all over Jakarta, the time spent on the road is getting longer and longer. By the time I got home on weekdays, it's already 7 - 8pm and I felt exhausted. Weekend is spent doing laundry, cleaning up my room, and no matter how tired I am I determined to go to church with my Dad on Sunday morning for the 7am service then went to buy lunch with him. Once in a while we also had lunch together, sometime just the two of us, or if time permits with my Bro and Sis in law.

One thing that I also noticed is my Dad felt lonely if I spent a lot of time outside home. Since my Bro and Sis in law started their own business, my Dad spent all day at home by himself including on weekend. Even though I just stayed in my room reading or watching, I saw that he felt better having someone at home. If I went out for 2 weekends in a row, the next weekend he would asked me: "What have you been doing? Why are you so busy? Are you going again today?". You know, I always told him where I was going, but his medical condition made him forget. So I explained again... and sometime, I cancelled my plan and just stayed at home. That's when I realized that I have been given such a great opportunity to take care of him when many times I heard about lonely parents who live alone without seeing their children for a long time. I am blessed.

I went out with my cousins, met up with some uncle and aunts, sent messages to those whom I haven't seen or heard from in awhile. To be honest, I used to think spending time with them to be such a chore. But it really amazed me that this time, somehow, as our relationship grew tighter I also felt stronger. Like I have people who cared about me behind my back to support me and pray for me. And I hope that's how they feel too. As lately, so many things good or bad are happening to our family in and outside Jakarta, but somehow there was always a way for us to be connected one way or another, to keep updated with how each other's doing. God's restoring our family's relationship and there's still more that He wants to do with us. I'm expecting.

As for friends... I have to let some go, but gain new ones... After not meeting for a long time, a friend told me during our dinner: "You know, I read that we have lesser friends as we get older. We just don't have the time and patience to build new relationships, it's already hard to maintain old ones." At first I agreed. As time went by, it dawned on me that as I grew older, I also grew impatient and unable to tolerate bullshits. I'd rather have friends who can't promise when to meet but actually have time to keep in touch or just say hi over the phone, than friends who keep saying we should do things together but in the end don't even have time to ask me how I'm doing while they're busy posting stuff of them having fun in SNS.

Being stuck in traffic in the morning or after office hour also became an important moment for me to re-connect. I put on my hands-free and make some calls. There is one dear friend whom I cannot meet at church regularly anymore since we have different service to attend. She spent all day taking care of her mother so it's also not easy to find time to meet outside church. Mornings are to call her or others whom I know are not having regular office work. Evenings to night are for those who's only available after work. My mobile phone bill is rising definitely (though not significantly), but it's money worth spending for.

When I was going through a hard time a few months ago, I didn't tell many people. I posted a thank you post in my FB though but some people surprised me by sending messages to ask what happened and how I coped up with it. And those were people whom I didn't expect to actually care. And just like that, we re-connected and kept in touch. It all started from a simple "Hi, how are you?"

In the end, time is the most valuable thing that we can give to our loved ones. Make an effort to pick up your phone to call or just send a message. You will never know when someone is in need of a person to talk to. Make sure to put down your phone and ignore your SNS for an hour or so when the other person is talking. This year is full of blessings to connect and re-connect for me. And I want to keep it going. Maybe you should too.

Oh yes, here's some moments with my loved ones!! There's a lot more but I haven't backed them up to my computer hahaha These will do :)

160626 Family from Sacramento, before they fly back home. Miss them already!

160707 Bro's birthday and Lebaran holiday lunch w/ Dad... at the Mall!!

160730 Sending off our cousin to University in Semarang and celebrating our birthday.

Love Is All Around

Last week I had to go through a long 3 days trip... Only 3 days but indeed felt like more than that since I wasn't going for just some fun. 

My plan was:

Day 1: Arrive, 2 appointments, rest, nice dinner

Day 2: Visit the zoo, nice lunch, nice dinner

Day 3: Shopping, more fun, nice lunch, fly home

I was stressed out for so many reasons even before I went and in the end nothing went as planned. I was so exhausted on the 1st day and had to take it easy for the next 2 days. But guess what? I have never felt so loved like I did then.

Whenever I felt lonely and down, there were always messages came to my phone whether to make me laugh, gave me encouragement, and even made me bawled my eyes out for the kind words and prayers shared. I was blessed. I AM blessed in so many ways. I experienced God's grace in unexpected ways.

I know it's not enough but I still want to thank...

YOU, for the FB messages and prayers before I left and after I returned... You don't have to be there to show me that you care... your prayers are more than enough buddy!!

YOU, for the nice dinner and shared gelato at night, for being my Momma for a night, for the encouragement and prayers, for the advises. I'm looking forward to share some alcohol in the next visit, still can't get over that green bottle! LOL God is working right now for you as well :)

YOU, for taking a day off just to make sure I wasn't lonely, gave me tons of laughter and kept reminding me to stop touching my boob even when it's itchy (Yikes!), for being my porter and carrying my shopping bags (I know those bottles weren't light!), for the wonderful lunch and bittersweet dessert... As promised, the next time you're home I'll pick you up and drive you back home :p Oh, unless we can get a handsome Uber driver like that one who took me to the airport?

YOU, for remembering my appointments and sent me whatsapp messages to lift my mood, for checking up on my conditions every single day and most importantly for the prayers that kept me holding onto God's promises and believing in HIM every step of the way. And now, for making sure that I eat healthily hahaha Veggies! Fruits! Yeah! *cry*

YOU, for making sure that I covered my bandage well and not got it wet... Yes, I knew there's a hole. Yes, you frightened me with those stories of holes went rotten and stuff. You're the one who didn't stop messaging but then telling me you need to sleep (as if I don't?). But I know I can count on you when I need some reality check ;)

YOU, YOU and YOU... Every single one of YOU who thought of me, prayed for me and spent time to send me endless messages and questions and advises and laughter, every single time when I least expected them. 

I received a good result but there's still some follow up in the next 6 months... I hope that it'll be a better visit, more fun, more good food and definitely stress free :D

No matter how hard were my days, God is watching over me through all of you. I feel the love. And the love is all around me. Bless you!!!

Up Close & Personal

One night last week my Dad had a big smile when I got home and waved a card at me: "Look what I got! I got a birthday card from my Cardiologist! He didn't say anything when I had my therapy this morning but then this came by post!"

It wasn't his birthday yet (it is TODAY), so he was excited and all smiles. "Look, it even says 'Happy Birthday Grandfather'," he said, "But I'm not a grandfather yet!" a little complain LOL I knew why it was written that way, almost everyone outside the family call him 'Opung' or grandfather in Batak language because of his old age (no sh*t, Sherlock! He's 77 years old today!) and all the grey hair covering his head.

He hasn't finished praising his Cardiologist, "I'm so touched that he even knows my birthday." -- well, it's written in your medical records definitely. "He even came to your brother's wedding with his wife." -- this, I was also surprised. "And he gave me a copy of Our Daily Bread with my name written on it last Christmas." -- this also touched me, so personal.

His encounter with dr. Raymond Suwita SpJP from Klinik CDG started in April last year, 2014. From the beginning of the 2014 my Dad's health was declining fast. He refused stents insertion, started getting problems in his brain due to lack of oxygen caused by slow blood flow through his heart, and he blacked out in February while talking to my brother. Got him 5 stitches in the head and a few days at the hospital. After he got out, he couldn't do much. The medications made him sleepy all the time, too tired to do anything, swollen legs. He got even more stressed out when his brother passed away early April.

At my Uncle's funeral I met someone who was surprised to see my Dad's condition considering he used to be very active. After listening to my story, she told me that she used to have the same problem but she found this place and had been getting therapy there for a couple of months and her heart function increased significantly -- no stent no surgery. She gave me the address, the doctor's name and told me to register him as soon as possible. We got his first appointment when I had to travel, so my brother took him there.

The clinic is using some uncommon methods in Indonesia for treatments. After almost day-long consultation (including blood test, EKG, CT Scan, etc) it was decided that for the first package my Dad would need 3 times of ILIB or Intravascular Laser Irradiation of Blood therapy (in between EECP) and 36 times of EECP or Enhanced External Counter Pulsation therapy (3 times a week). My Dad & my Brother were impressed by dr. Raymond on this first consultation. My Brother said: "He's very thorough in examining each test's result, very patient, gentle and didn't mind to answer all our questions."

The therapies were not cheap. But considering the recommendation, I was willing to try. He began the next day after the consultation. I was told that dr. Raymond kept checking on him and waited on him until the therapy finished. At one point, my Dad fell asleep in during an EECP session but dr. Raymond told my brother and the nurse to just let him sleep until he woke up by himself. If he slept that soundly, that meant he needed it. The whole package finished in about 3 months. By this time, my Dad no longer had swollen feet, he could do a little gardening again and taking care of his little pond. He improved significantly.

After that he was maintained with 2 sessions of EECP weekly and since a few months ago he only needed 1 session. He has to continue the EECP for as long as he lives and still has to take lots of medicines daily (but even with stents people still have to take medicines, so I'm okay with this). His medications are divided for his heart condition and his brain. dr. Raymond said that they couldn't fix it, the meds and vitamins are to slow down the deterioration.Since the therapies were expensive we asked him if could prescribed us with less expensive medication. With some, he could, but mostly not especially for the brain meds. Well, we all know the actual quality of Indonesian generic meds anyway; wouldn't want to risk it. But at least he tried, and we appreciated it. My Dad is now living happily, (almost) normally (no denying of old age too here) and travels almost monthly.

During those first 3 months of therapies, my brother told me that dr. Raymond remembered the name of all his patients and the patients' regular caretakers. He called my brother by name instead of the just 'the son'. Before he left the clinic, he would check if there were patients still underwent therapies and would waited on them even when his practice hour was over. And he did that every single day. This was the first time I found a doctor who treated his patients in a very personal way. God bless him! I want to thank him for the 19 months that my Dad had been under his care and for listening to our worries, answering our questions and for every special little thing he had done. May he stays strong in faith and uses his talents to help more people.

Now, HAPPY 77th BIRTHDAY DAD! Please accept the reality that yes, you're getting old ROFL We love you and wish you can be with us for many more years. Keep doing what you love to do and a blessings wherever you go.

We're connected... NOT!

When someone asked me: "Are you dependent on your mobile and SNS?", it's really hard for me to reply confidently "No." Cause to be honest, I might be dependent on it in one way or another. Outside my will.

If I could, I'd like to spend a day without data connection. Just phone calls and text message (SMS). And I'd love not to take a look at my Instagram, or Facebook, or Twitter. But high chance that I'd miss something very important. We are all so well connected but not really. Or not at all.

I still keep my Facebook active because I have so many friends from all over the world, it's really nice to be able to see how the others are doing and exchanging messages, pictures and encouraging messages once in a while. To also share how are we doing to others as well. Though lately I was forced to un-friend those whose posts were not so encouraging or made me want to punch them in the face. Good thing that FB now also has unfollowing menu so I don't have to see their posts in my timeline but I could still be in contact if needed.

There were times when I didn't check on my FB regularly. Results? I missed a friend giving birth, I didn't know when someone passed away, and I missed an event with an FB event invitation. I mean, we were chatting just a few days ago and they didn't bother to send me a message that someone passed away just because "Oh, I posted it in FB. You didn't see?" >_<

My cousin created my twitter account for me in my phone while I wasn't watching. I asked her why. She said so she could be in touch me. I was like: "But we can always send messages or chat through our mobiles?" She laughed and said everyone has it now. OK, fine. I don't regret it now, I have more followers than following anyway. And without having to turn on the TV I can still find out what's happening around the world by following some big news station. Still, I don't get people who complains just about everything in a few posts all the time. Which ended up with my unfollowing of course.

Instagram? This is one SNS that I kept trying to avoid so much until last year. I mean, I already posts my pictures in FB why would I need an account to post pictures only? But then when I ask a friend that I want to see her daughter's picture and why she posts one in FB, I got this as a reply: "Oh, I posted her pictures in Instagram. You can follow me there." That is one. Then I want to order some cakes that my friend bought, I asked her where can I order since the cakery didn't have a store. Again, "They only have instagram. Here, you can follow this." I was so frustrated that I finally created an account and just like everyone else, I posted some useless stuff like my Stitch collection and food that I ate... just because :p 

 my screen :)

People are getting impersonal. We think that we're connected enough through SNS but not really. You think you know how someone's doing by reading their status or looking at the pictures they posted, but not really. Those are the reasons why I prefer to send messages through text / chat application if I have their mobile numbers; whether it's wishing a happy birthday or convey my condolences. Many times, I received more than just a thanks. I really got to find out how they were doing and sometimes not as good as they seemed to be in SNS.

And how about chat apps? This also frustrates me much!! When there was only SMS, people tend to write short messages, trying to include as many info as possible in 1 message. In chat rooms? It goes like this:

Hey

   How are you?

      Busy?

         Oh yeah

            I forgot

               She called 

One word one line. People, it's damn annoying.

And then I got tired of sending sms back and forth to a cousin. I asked him if he has any chat apps installed? He said yeah, he got LINE. I sent him a long message through LINE and he only read it like 5 hours later and replied with "Sorry, I don't use it much and hardly read it." So why the heck did you tell me to send you messages there??!?!?!

I have 3 chat apps in my phone: Whatsapp (basically to connect with almost everyone, business included), Kakao Talk (to connect with my Korean friends) and LINE (to connect with some Japanese & Indonesian friends -- who just like the cute stickers, tbh LOL). Then another cousin added me in all chat apps. One day she messaged me through Whatsapp, another day through LINE and many times when I tried to message her I had no idea where to send cause sometimes she uses one chat app and the other tomorrow. I just had to send to all 3 and see where she replied from. What's even funnier, we used to connect through Blackberry Messenger (BBM), but last year I kinda threw my BB out the car window accidentally and broke the LCD. So I switched to android and now both my mobiles are androids. No more BB.

Some people I know were still using Blackberry only so I had no choice then but to install BBM app in my android. But then that cousin-who-added-me-in-all-chatapps asked me to add her in my BBM. And she's using android. I was like: "Why do you need me to add you there? You're using android and so do I. You added me in all 3 chat apps." She laughed and said "Oh, just because. So I have you in all apps." Didn't. Make. Sense. To. Me. At. All.

I also feel sad that in the rare moments that I get to see my friends in one table, everyone just can't seem to not checking their mobiles instead of sitting and looking at me in the eye while conversing. I feel neglected. Oh yes, I also put my mobiles on the table and check the messages that come in once in a while. If it needs to be replied right away, I would. But most of the times, I ignore the unimportant messages and reply when I got home. I hardly check my SNS unless I need to show something that I saw or read in there to the other party in the table.

I really wish that next time I see my friends and family, we all can set aside our mobiles and really talk. We will laugh together from a funny story we tell each other, we will cry together over each other's heartbreak, and I will be able to see you in the eye and see that I matter to you, that you really care. That's when we're really connected.

Count On You

So tonight I tried to make Kimbab. And failed miserably.

First try: Too much rice, too much filling, find it hard to roll perfectly and the fillings leaked out of the rolls.

Dad came to the kitchen and looked at my sad-looking-failed of a kimbab roll.

Dad: "What is that?"

Me: "Supposed to be Kimbab. But I failed."

Dad: "Oh, but I came because it smells nice."

*in my head* Sesame oil makes everythi g smells good, believe me!

Dad: "So what you gonna do with it?"

Me: "Eat it anyway! I dont want to waste food!" *eat a piece and winced, it taste like... rice with kim/nori and a carrot*

Dad laughed and walked back to watch TV.

Second try: Better looking, much smaller and at least the roll was not breaking in the middle.

I cut it out in a few pieces and brought it to Dad.

Me: "Would you try it?" *expecting him just to eat a piece*

Dad laughed again and put a piece in his mouth.

Dad: "Oh, it's edible!"

Me: *sad looking* "I guess so... *walked back to the kitchen to clean up.

5 minutes later he came to the kitchen and showed me an empty plate.

Dad: "I finish them all!" *grin* "Not so bad, still chewable for me." *says a man who wears fake teeth*

I couldnt stop grinning. I knew it tasted like crap, but he ate it anyway *cry*

Thanks Dad!! I know I can always count on you even in trying out my crappy food!!

Promise I'll make you a decent looking and still edible Kimbab next time.

Love love love!!! ❤❤❤

Starting Over

Many people kind of raised their eyebrows in knowing my latest interest in baking and cooking. I couldn't blame them. I guess only people who are really close to me and know me for a long time could understand this new obsession.

I'm okay with question such as "Hey, what starts this obsession?" or "Why, just realize that you're a woman now?" but the question that I dislike the most is "Preparing yourself to get married?". Heck, what's getting married and cooking / baking got to do with each other? I have a friend who can't cook sh*t but her husband is one of the best cook I've ever known! Do they have a problem? No. Does the husband complain? No. So why should people complains on behalf of unable-to-cook-wives of the world? SMH.

And just FYI, my Mom couldn't cook when she married my Father but she learned. Still, my Dad used to make the best fish-balls I've ever tasted! No msg, no flour, just with his bare-hands. Darn, I wish he can still do that, but alas, it needs power to make fish-balls, believe me, I saw him made them when I was little LOL And sometimes he still cooks for himself even now.

People are also surprised when they find out that I like crafting. Nah... not that kind of crafting that I can make money of but I do like working with my hands, thread and needles. I used to make my own Christmas cards for friends, sew my own pouch (by hand, since we never had a sewing machine at home), make my own picture diary with stickers and such. But they're so time consuming that I just can't do it anymore.

Back to cooking and baking. There is a good reason why I never show a lot of interest on it before. My Mom. She's a good baker to be honest and through the years she became a good cook for us. I was always curious and wanted to learn from her, but I never got the chance too. She said I was a nuisance in the kitchen. She said she hated me hovering over her while she was cooking and baking. The simple snacks I could make from flour and cassava, I learned from my maid who was patient enough to buy the ingredients and taught me when my mom wasn't home. And whatever I made, my mom never wanted to taste even once. So I made it, I ate it.

As I grew up, I never had the confidence to put my hands on recipes or even going near the stove except for boiling water or cooking instant noodles. I felt like whatever I made was going to be a disaster compared to my Mom's. Same as my way of dressing. Until the day my Mom died, I could never dress up myself with my own style nor could I walk out of the house without her approving of my clothing. What she bought or thought look nice, I had to wear, no questions asked. Only after she passed away I gradually changed my whole wardrobe and started dressing according to my own style and liking. At the age of 32.

After she died and no one to cook at home, I started buying recipe books, cooking pasta for my friends who were visiting, even looked into the fridge and mixed stuff that's left in it. Sometimes they're bad (but I still finished them anyway LOL), sometimes they're okay (my Dad didn't mind to eat them) and sometimes they're good (that my friends requested me to cook for them again). But I finally learned that "Hey, I can do this! I'm not that bad!" The more I tried, the more I realized that "Yes, cooking is great, especially when people can actually eat what I cook!" I don't have an oven at home, so I haven't started with baking, but I will very soon, once I got enough money to buy a nice oven :)

I'm starting over.

A month ago, I tried my hands on some no-bake-cake recipes. The Nuttela-cheesecake was okay but the Marshmallow-oreo was a disaster LOL But that didn't stop me from trying. Last Saturday I tried to make my very first mini donuts and my Aunt happened to visit while I was frying them. She said it tasted wonderful! Maybe she was trying to make me feel good hahaha but I didn't mind. She ate 5 of them (or maybe more?) and said the most wonderful thing I've always wished I could hear from my mom: "Would you like me to teach you Grandma's pudding recipe?" It's one of my mom's specialty inherited from my Grandma. I never tasted any good chocolate pudding as the one I always ate when my Mom and Grandma were alive. I'm excited.

I'm starting over.

I'm going to take baking course. I'm going to schedule a pudding-making lesson from my Aunt. I'm going to try more recipes. And I'm going to dye my hair Plum again.

I'm starting over. And it's never too late to start over.

I don't feel bitter anymore about my mom's attitude toward my kitchen interest. If she let me learned from her, maybe I won't be this excited again. Maybe I won't have the drive to try something new. Maybe I won't discover new joys in life in such simple actions as learning to make pudding. But mothers, please let your daughters or sons learn from you. It might be a disaster in the kitchen, you might feel annoyed. But believe me, it will be something that your children treasures when they grow up. Teach them with patience, show them what you can do. And one day they can proudly say: "Hey, my Mom taught me this! How cool is that?"

Lastly, I've posted this in Facebook, but again, please ignore the strangely shaped donuts. Apparently it wasn't easy to create a round-and-full donuts with just two spoons even though you've watched the tutorial in youtube a hundred times!

Connect and Reconnect

Funny how the death of our loved one can also bring us to another form of relationship. To get to know someone new or just catching up with those we lost ties many years ago.

Last month I just lost my cousin whom I haven't met for many years. The moment I found out about her illness she was already in her 3rd comatose day in the Intensive Care Unit. It was a shock to our big family cause we never heard that she's been sick or anything since her husband's death a few years ago. And she lived out of town, about 5 hours train ride from where I live.

I've been sick for a few weeks at that time and wasn't able to take a leave from the office. So I asked for my nieces' mobile numbers from my other cousin. A few messages later I was struck with a feeling that this might be the last time I would be able to see her. I found out about her declining condition on Thursday morning, decided to go and see her on that night, asked my brother to buy me train tickets on Friday morning and took the Saturday morning train with my cousin & one of my aunts.

And I never regret my decision to come.

It was an exhausting trip especially in my condition. I couldn't sleep well the night before, afraid that I would wake up late. As soon as we arrived we searched for return tickets and apparently the only tickets available are leaving on the same day around midnight. Sunday train tickets were all sold out, so we bought the midnight tickets right away.

My comatose cousin's 2 daughters picked us up at the station, and it's also been many years since I saw them. One of them is already a mother of 3 (the youngest was only 5 months old) and the other one was actually working in Dubai and took an emergency leave to see her mother. We went directly to the hospital to see my cousin and met another daughter of hers who lived with her in the same house. We only got 1 chance to see her outside the visiting hour but I used that few minutes to pray for her and told her that I was there.

From the hospital we went to my cousin's place to have shower and to catch an early dinner there. Surprisingly, I got to meet my 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons there including the 5 months old baby, Jasmine. We spent our limited hours trying to catch up on our personal lives, shared some laughter in the middle of our sadness, held my grandchildren whom I never met since they were born and most importantly prayed together for my cousin and her children. That night we separated with a heavy heart, like leaving our family behind.

2 days after my return my cousin passed away. And I didn't get to go over for her funeral but my dear cousin Sarah did.

And she returned with a bunch of stories that broke my heart but also made me long to see my long lost nieces and grandchildren again.

Last week suddenly I received a message from one of my niece in Dubai. She told me how much she missed her mom and felt that she hadn't done enough for her. I told her that I felt the same when my mom passed away, but she has to believe that she has made her happy when she was alive. And I'm happy that she could share how she felt with me cause it meant that I have become a real family and friend for her.

Isn't it funny what death can do? It separates you from the one you love, but it can also you brings you someone else to love. In my case, I got to connect with the grandchildren I've never seen and re-connect with the nieces I haven't met for more than a decade.

When I decided to see my comatose cousin those few weeks ago, I twitted this:

How sad that we have to see each other in this kind of circumstances instead of a happy one.

But now after thinking about everything that has happened this past month, I thought that we didn't reconnect in a less fortunate circumstance either. I have met my nieces in the moment when they needed my support and comfort most. Thus, we got to see each other's heart deeper and in a more open way than laughter could bring. We held each other's hands when we prayed, we embraced each other tightly when we said 'so long'.

I promised myself to get to know them better from now on. 
To rebuild the broken bridge between their parents and myself.
To be a part of my grandchildren's growth and (hopefully) future. I don't want them to see me one day and doesn't even know my name.

Life in a big city takes up so much time and energy from us. But if we can spend a day hanging out at the mall why can't we spend another just to get to know our extended family better?

I still have more long lost cousins, nieces and nephews that I have to connect and reconnect with. And I promise myself to get to know them more with laughter... so when the sad moments come, we're ready to share our burdens without the awkwardness and fear of not being understood.

And here's the bonus, pictures of my grandchildren. Aren't they beautiful? :)

With Jessica and Jasmine 

With 5 month-old Jasmine

Welcome Home!

I'm glad I'll get to see my Dad again tonight after being home alone for 5 days!! ^_^ This time when he wasn't around, I happened to had not much activities or anything important to do... So most of the time I was home by myself watching DVD or reading.

I felt so lonely knowing that there's no one else at home. Lonely for getting into the house and say "I'm home" but hearing no reply. Lonely for not hearing his footsteps outside my bedroom at 5am in the morning. Lonely for eating "emergency food" for lunch (at home on weekend) and dinner (every night). So now I know it must be lonelier for him to be left alone in the house everyday when I'm at work. Now I understand why lately he asked a lot of questions and was so happy when I told him I had no plans to go out on weekends.

My Dad wakes up very early in the morning to get the car ready for me to go to work. He cooks my breakfast every morning too. Even if it's the same food everyday, I won't get bored since it's one of my fave world and I know it takes effort for him to do it for me. Whenever I call him in emergency (usually because the old car broke in the middle of nowhere), he'd change his clothes in an instant and take a taxi to wherever I am.

Whenever he's going for a trip, he will call me everyday to check if everything is alright. We go to church together every Sunday and sometimes on we'll go to a bookstore together after church... that's our valuable time together.

I hope his flight will land safely tonight. I can't wait to get home and see him again. And when I open the door, instead of saying "I'm home", I'd like to tell him outloud: "WELCOME HOME POPS!"

dreaming

I once complained to my dear little cousin that I never once dreamed of my mother, no matter how much I missed her. Other people dreamed of her. My father dreamed of her. My brother dreamed of her. But not me. I wasn't with her on her last moment, so I wished at least I could talked to her in my dreamland... even if it's not real, I wanted to touch her "living self".

And I finally did last night. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't comprehend what just happened. I tried hard to remember my dream. Then suddenly it's rushing back to me... I felt her touch, I saw her smile... I was holding her hand as we travel together somewhere by bus (bus??? why not plane??? LOL), as the bus stopped in the middle of the journey I said to her: "Mom, could you just stay on the bus and not wandering around? We're almost there, probably about 4-5 hours more." She said ok and smiled to me. And the dream ended.

I don't want to start guessing what the dream meant. But I couldn't stop my tears from falling hard when it finally dawned on me that I just dreamed of her... finally! But the most important thing was that God has granted my wish. And I know that she's in peace with HIM up above. As my life will go on for God knows how much longer... in the end we'll be together when the time comes. But I will remember the smile that she gave in that dream... it told me that she loves me. As much as I love her. Though I wish I could say it to her eye to eye. I love you Mom.

let me

I have an early flight to catch tomorrow morning, so by calculation I have to leave the house at 6:00am by the latest. I've always planned to take a taxi to the airport considering it's quite far and my Dad would be tired with the long drive to and back from the airport.

So as I was preparing to go to work this morning my Dad asked me what time is my flight. I told him the details and he offered: "Let me just drive you there." I quickly retorted: "No need, I'll just take a taxi, the firm will pay for it anyway. It's too long a drive for you. I'm fine with taxi." As I was entering the bedroom I happened to glance at him and saw his disappointed face.

I can't seem to get rid of his expression from my mind as I was changing. I remembered that I felt the same once. When my dad returned from a trip I told him that I wanted to pick him up from the airport, but he refused, and told me the same reason that I told him. I could still feel my disappointment. I thought that "I just wanna do something for you once." But somehow I felt that his disappointment is much greater than mine. We live for each other now, while I still can do so much for him, there's isn't as much that I need him to do for me anymore. I know that he still want to feel needed. That's he still can do something for me. And driving me to the airport is something that he surely can do for me.

So I quickly made a decision, when I got out from the bedroom I told him: "Second thought Dad, yeah you could drive me to the airport tomorrow, it's not so easy to find a taxi so early in the morning anyway." He smiled widely and said: "I told you so! And I always woke up earlier than you everyday!" Even when I got home from works and was doing my final packing he kept smiling and told me to finish soon and go to bed. That I need more sleep.

I'm happy that I make him happy. Maybe this is not a big thing for me but it's a big thing for him. And I want to let him do everything that he wants to do for me now. I want to let him feel needed. I want to let him feel that he's important for me. And as I will also let myself pour my tender loving care to him, I will let him do the same for me. Isn't that what a family should be?

Oh, and Dad, I need another favor! Can you help me dry my laundry in the washing machine when you get back home tomorrow? :D