Connect and Re-connect

8 months into 2016... I do feel that time surely flies in a blink of an eye... in only 8 months so many things had happened but one most important thing that I learned is to connect and reconnect.

I tried to spend more time with my family, both immediate and extended. Timewise, I have to admit it's really not easy to do. Considering the highway, mrt, lrt and whatever constructions all over Jakarta, the time spent on the road is getting longer and longer. By the time I got home on weekdays, it's already 7 - 8pm and I felt exhausted. Weekend is spent doing laundry, cleaning up my room, and no matter how tired I am I determined to go to church with my Dad on Sunday morning for the 7am service then went to buy lunch with him. Once in a while we also had lunch together, sometime just the two of us, or if time permits with my Bro and Sis in law.

One thing that I also noticed is my Dad felt lonely if I spent a lot of time outside home. Since my Bro and Sis in law started their own business, my Dad spent all day at home by himself including on weekend. Even though I just stayed in my room reading or watching, I saw that he felt better having someone at home. If I went out for 2 weekends in a row, the next weekend he would asked me: "What have you been doing? Why are you so busy? Are you going again today?". You know, I always told him where I was going, but his medical condition made him forget. So I explained again... and sometime, I cancelled my plan and just stayed at home. That's when I realized that I have been given such a great opportunity to take care of him when many times I heard about lonely parents who live alone without seeing their children for a long time. I am blessed.

I went out with my cousins, met up with some uncle and aunts, sent messages to those whom I haven't seen or heard from in awhile. To be honest, I used to think spending time with them to be such a chore. But it really amazed me that this time, somehow, as our relationship grew tighter I also felt stronger. Like I have people who cared about me behind my back to support me and pray for me. And I hope that's how they feel too. As lately, so many things good or bad are happening to our family in and outside Jakarta, but somehow there was always a way for us to be connected one way or another, to keep updated with how each other's doing. God's restoring our family's relationship and there's still more that He wants to do with us. I'm expecting.

As for friends... I have to let some go, but gain new ones... After not meeting for a long time, a friend told me during our dinner: "You know, I read that we have lesser friends as we get older. We just don't have the time and patience to build new relationships, it's already hard to maintain old ones." At first I agreed. As time went by, it dawned on me that as I grew older, I also grew impatient and unable to tolerate bullshits. I'd rather have friends who can't promise when to meet but actually have time to keep in touch or just say hi over the phone, than friends who keep saying we should do things together but in the end don't even have time to ask me how I'm doing while they're busy posting stuff of them having fun in SNS.

Being stuck in traffic in the morning or after office hour also became an important moment for me to re-connect. I put on my hands-free and make some calls. There is one dear friend whom I cannot meet at church regularly anymore since we have different service to attend. She spent all day taking care of her mother so it's also not easy to find time to meet outside church. Mornings are to call her or others whom I know are not having regular office work. Evenings to night are for those who's only available after work. My mobile phone bill is rising definitely (though not significantly), but it's money worth spending for.

When I was going through a hard time a few months ago, I didn't tell many people. I posted a thank you post in my FB though but some people surprised me by sending messages to ask what happened and how I coped up with it. And those were people whom I didn't expect to actually care. And just like that, we re-connected and kept in touch. It all started from a simple "Hi, how are you?"

In the end, time is the most valuable thing that we can give to our loved ones. Make an effort to pick up your phone to call or just send a message. You will never know when someone is in need of a person to talk to. Make sure to put down your phone and ignore your SNS for an hour or so when the other person is talking. This year is full of blessings to connect and re-connect for me. And I want to keep it going. Maybe you should too.

Oh yes, here's some moments with my loved ones!! There's a lot more but I haven't backed them up to my computer hahaha These will do :)

160626 Family from Sacramento, before they fly back home. Miss them already!

160707 Bro's birthday and Lebaran holiday lunch w/ Dad... at the Mall!!

160730 Sending off our cousin to University in Semarang and celebrating our birthday.

Count On You

So tonight I tried to make Kimbab. And failed miserably.

First try: Too much rice, too much filling, find it hard to roll perfectly and the fillings leaked out of the rolls.

Dad came to the kitchen and looked at my sad-looking-failed of a kimbab roll.

Dad: "What is that?"

Me: "Supposed to be Kimbab. But I failed."

Dad: "Oh, but I came because it smells nice."

*in my head* Sesame oil makes everythi g smells good, believe me!

Dad: "So what you gonna do with it?"

Me: "Eat it anyway! I dont want to waste food!" *eat a piece and winced, it taste like... rice with kim/nori and a carrot*

Dad laughed and walked back to watch TV.

Second try: Better looking, much smaller and at least the roll was not breaking in the middle.

I cut it out in a few pieces and brought it to Dad.

Me: "Would you try it?" *expecting him just to eat a piece*

Dad laughed again and put a piece in his mouth.

Dad: "Oh, it's edible!"

Me: *sad looking* "I guess so... *walked back to the kitchen to clean up.

5 minutes later he came to the kitchen and showed me an empty plate.

Dad: "I finish them all!" *grin* "Not so bad, still chewable for me." *says a man who wears fake teeth*

I couldnt stop grinning. I knew it tasted like crap, but he ate it anyway *cry*

Thanks Dad!! I know I can always count on you even in trying out my crappy food!!

Promise I'll make you a decent looking and still edible Kimbab next time.

Love love love!!! ❤❤❤

Pregnancy & Expectations

In case you're wondering if I'm pregnant... well, I'm not :) But someone close to me is. And I'd like to share this amazing journey of her pregnancy.

One thing I could also share is that I was never fond of pregnancy. Sure, I love babies, I love children, but only after they were born. I didn't like being close to a pregnant woman. I suddenly felt awkward, like I should at least make a comment but other than: "When is the baby due?" and "I hope you have a healthy pregnancy.", I completely had no idea what to say. 

If you think that's weird, I also couldn't stand being close to them, let alone touch the baby bump! I had a shiver down my spine when someone asked me to touch her baby bump many years ago. But finally... just finally... I fell in love with one special baby bump of my friend, Pitshu :)

I didn't know how and why, but when she told me that she was pregnant in July 6, 2013, I was a little overwhelmed. Something like, "Oh! It happens!" She also told me that I was one of the firsts to know, that made me feel a bit special but that's that. Then she asked me for reference to be her obgyn for this pregnancy. I was like: "Errr, I'm not married and I've never been pregnant, why are you asking me of all people?" LOL Of course I wasn't the only one that she asked for reference, but she trusted me, and that made me feel even more special and more into her pregnancy, especially since she chose the doctor that I recommended based on my other friends' recommendation.

From then on, the journey of expectations started, not just for her and her husband and also for me. I may never accompanied her to any of her visits (her schedules are always on weekdays and in the morning) but everytime she returned from the obgyn she would 'report' to me everything about the baby. From the size, the health, its position and finally its gender. IT'S A BOY! And I was laughing loudly when she announced! She asked me why I was so happy that it's a boy, and I replied to her: "Because then I could take him out to play with just a pair of shorts and T-shirt! I don't know what to do with girls, too much of a hassle!" And another expectations bloomed... I started to look forward for the development of the baby.

Know what's the biggest change in me? I love her baby bump & couldn't stop myself from touching and caressing it everytime we met! ROFL Finally... there's a pregnant woman that I could stand being close to and a baby bump I fell in love with.

I still have no idea how it happened... but I'm happy with this experience that my friend had kindly shared with me and let me be a part of it. Maybe because she tried to involve me into her pregnancy (unintended and unexpectedly) from day 1, or maybe just because we're close, but for whatever reason, she made me happy. And the (soon to be arriving) baby made me happy. Just like my friend and her husband have expectations for the baby, I also had mine. That I will see him growing up healthily, that one day I'll get to take him to play and watch movies, that I'll take him out for ice cream even when his parents say no :)

Pitshu is due in a couple of weeks... I wish her only the best in everything... and that the baby boy will be born safely and healthily. And here's a picture of the three of us last Saturday. BABY BOY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE YOU SOON!!!

Connect and Reconnect

Funny how the death of our loved one can also bring us to another form of relationship. To get to know someone new or just catching up with those we lost ties many years ago.

Last month I just lost my cousin whom I haven't met for many years. The moment I found out about her illness she was already in her 3rd comatose day in the Intensive Care Unit. It was a shock to our big family cause we never heard that she's been sick or anything since her husband's death a few years ago. And she lived out of town, about 5 hours train ride from where I live.

I've been sick for a few weeks at that time and wasn't able to take a leave from the office. So I asked for my nieces' mobile numbers from my other cousin. A few messages later I was struck with a feeling that this might be the last time I would be able to see her. I found out about her declining condition on Thursday morning, decided to go and see her on that night, asked my brother to buy me train tickets on Friday morning and took the Saturday morning train with my cousin & one of my aunts.

And I never regret my decision to come.

It was an exhausting trip especially in my condition. I couldn't sleep well the night before, afraid that I would wake up late. As soon as we arrived we searched for return tickets and apparently the only tickets available are leaving on the same day around midnight. Sunday train tickets were all sold out, so we bought the midnight tickets right away.

My comatose cousin's 2 daughters picked us up at the station, and it's also been many years since I saw them. One of them is already a mother of 3 (the youngest was only 5 months old) and the other one was actually working in Dubai and took an emergency leave to see her mother. We went directly to the hospital to see my cousin and met another daughter of hers who lived with her in the same house. We only got 1 chance to see her outside the visiting hour but I used that few minutes to pray for her and told her that I was there.

From the hospital we went to my cousin's place to have shower and to catch an early dinner there. Surprisingly, I got to meet my 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons there including the 5 months old baby, Jasmine. We spent our limited hours trying to catch up on our personal lives, shared some laughter in the middle of our sadness, held my grandchildren whom I never met since they were born and most importantly prayed together for my cousin and her children. That night we separated with a heavy heart, like leaving our family behind.

2 days after my return my cousin passed away. And I didn't get to go over for her funeral but my dear cousin Sarah did.

And she returned with a bunch of stories that broke my heart but also made me long to see my long lost nieces and grandchildren again.

Last week suddenly I received a message from one of my niece in Dubai. She told me how much she missed her mom and felt that she hadn't done enough for her. I told her that I felt the same when my mom passed away, but she has to believe that she has made her happy when she was alive. And I'm happy that she could share how she felt with me cause it meant that I have become a real family and friend for her.

Isn't it funny what death can do? It separates you from the one you love, but it can also you brings you someone else to love. In my case, I got to connect with the grandchildren I've never seen and re-connect with the nieces I haven't met for more than a decade.

When I decided to see my comatose cousin those few weeks ago, I twitted this:

How sad that we have to see each other in this kind of circumstances instead of a happy one.

But now after thinking about everything that has happened this past month, I thought that we didn't reconnect in a less fortunate circumstance either. I have met my nieces in the moment when they needed my support and comfort most. Thus, we got to see each other's heart deeper and in a more open way than laughter could bring. We held each other's hands when we prayed, we embraced each other tightly when we said 'so long'.

I promised myself to get to know them better from now on. 
To rebuild the broken bridge between their parents and myself.
To be a part of my grandchildren's growth and (hopefully) future. I don't want them to see me one day and doesn't even know my name.

Life in a big city takes up so much time and energy from us. But if we can spend a day hanging out at the mall why can't we spend another just to get to know our extended family better?

I still have more long lost cousins, nieces and nephews that I have to connect and reconnect with. And I promise myself to get to know them more with laughter... so when the sad moments come, we're ready to share our burdens without the awkwardness and fear of not being understood.

And here's the bonus, pictures of my grandchildren. Aren't they beautiful? :)

With Jessica and Jasmine 

With 5 month-old Jasmine

Love Me Today

Another soul has left this world, I didn't know her but apparently she was one of our church's congegration. And I was told that she lived a lonely life. No husband, no children, all of her siblings had passed away except for her youngest one. And I wondered when did she hear that someone loved her for the last time. Could be before her husband died, or maybe somebody got the chance to tell her that lately. I have no idea. I used to hate people who say "I LOVE YOU" easily. I though they were not sincere. I thought those words had become cheap. I thought that they didn't really mean it. But lately I've been the one saying I love you a lot. 

When I was away & missing my friends, I told them "I Love You" through SMS. When I was just lonely and someone was kind enough to chat with me through the messenger, I typed him/her "I Love You". And you know what? I meant every single "I Love You" that I said or wrote or typed. It took me losing someone very important in my life to be able to say that from the heart. I was lucky I had the chance to tell her that before she was gone although she no longer be able to say that back to me. That's when I understood the meaning of "tomorrow might not come". 

So my "I Love You" is not cheap. My "I Love You" is said, typed, written with a pain of not being able to say it enough and an understanding of I might not have the chance to say it again tomorrow. This song from NELSON is my inspiration to write this entry. And when I say it to you, I hope you can say it back to me, "I LOVE YOU".

Don't be afraid to say "I love you" Take the moment and make it last Cause if you don't tell them you love them You might not get a second chance So hear them saying... Love me today, let my strength be your own Love me today, cause tomorrow I'll be gone When I feel it's time to go, I'll be on my way So love me today...

(Love Me Today -- Nelson)

dreaming

I once complained to my dear little cousin that I never once dreamed of my mother, no matter how much I missed her. Other people dreamed of her. My father dreamed of her. My brother dreamed of her. But not me. I wasn't with her on her last moment, so I wished at least I could talked to her in my dreamland... even if it's not real, I wanted to touch her "living self".

And I finally did last night. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't comprehend what just happened. I tried hard to remember my dream. Then suddenly it's rushing back to me... I felt her touch, I saw her smile... I was holding her hand as we travel together somewhere by bus (bus??? why not plane??? LOL), as the bus stopped in the middle of the journey I said to her: "Mom, could you just stay on the bus and not wandering around? We're almost there, probably about 4-5 hours more." She said ok and smiled to me. And the dream ended.

I don't want to start guessing what the dream meant. But I couldn't stop my tears from falling hard when it finally dawned on me that I just dreamed of her... finally! But the most important thing was that God has granted my wish. And I know that she's in peace with HIM up above. As my life will go on for God knows how much longer... in the end we'll be together when the time comes. But I will remember the smile that she gave in that dream... it told me that she loves me. As much as I love her. Though I wish I could say it to her eye to eye. I love you Mom.