Starting Over

Many people kind of raised their eyebrows in knowing my latest interest in baking and cooking. I couldn't blame them. I guess only people who are really close to me and know me for a long time could understand this new obsession.

I'm okay with question such as "Hey, what starts this obsession?" or "Why, just realize that you're a woman now?" but the question that I dislike the most is "Preparing yourself to get married?". Heck, what's getting married and cooking / baking got to do with each other? I have a friend who can't cook sh*t but her husband is one of the best cook I've ever known! Do they have a problem? No. Does the husband complain? No. So why should people complains on behalf of unable-to-cook-wives of the world? SMH.

And just FYI, my Mom couldn't cook when she married my Father but she learned. Still, my Dad used to make the best fish-balls I've ever tasted! No msg, no flour, just with his bare-hands. Darn, I wish he can still do that, but alas, it needs power to make fish-balls, believe me, I saw him made them when I was little LOL And sometimes he still cooks for himself even now.

People are also surprised when they find out that I like crafting. Nah... not that kind of crafting that I can make money of but I do like working with my hands, thread and needles. I used to make my own Christmas cards for friends, sew my own pouch (by hand, since we never had a sewing machine at home), make my own picture diary with stickers and such. But they're so time consuming that I just can't do it anymore.

Back to cooking and baking. There is a good reason why I never show a lot of interest on it before. My Mom. She's a good baker to be honest and through the years she became a good cook for us. I was always curious and wanted to learn from her, but I never got the chance too. She said I was a nuisance in the kitchen. She said she hated me hovering over her while she was cooking and baking. The simple snacks I could make from flour and cassava, I learned from my maid who was patient enough to buy the ingredients and taught me when my mom wasn't home. And whatever I made, my mom never wanted to taste even once. So I made it, I ate it.

As I grew up, I never had the confidence to put my hands on recipes or even going near the stove except for boiling water or cooking instant noodles. I felt like whatever I made was going to be a disaster compared to my Mom's. Same as my way of dressing. Until the day my Mom died, I could never dress up myself with my own style nor could I walk out of the house without her approving of my clothing. What she bought or thought look nice, I had to wear, no questions asked. Only after she passed away I gradually changed my whole wardrobe and started dressing according to my own style and liking. At the age of 32.

After she died and no one to cook at home, I started buying recipe books, cooking pasta for my friends who were visiting, even looked into the fridge and mixed stuff that's left in it. Sometimes they're bad (but I still finished them anyway LOL), sometimes they're okay (my Dad didn't mind to eat them) and sometimes they're good (that my friends requested me to cook for them again). But I finally learned that "Hey, I can do this! I'm not that bad!" The more I tried, the more I realized that "Yes, cooking is great, especially when people can actually eat what I cook!" I don't have an oven at home, so I haven't started with baking, but I will very soon, once I got enough money to buy a nice oven :)

I'm starting over.

A month ago, I tried my hands on some no-bake-cake recipes. The Nuttela-cheesecake was okay but the Marshmallow-oreo was a disaster LOL But that didn't stop me from trying. Last Saturday I tried to make my very first mini donuts and my Aunt happened to visit while I was frying them. She said it tasted wonderful! Maybe she was trying to make me feel good hahaha but I didn't mind. She ate 5 of them (or maybe more?) and said the most wonderful thing I've always wished I could hear from my mom: "Would you like me to teach you Grandma's pudding recipe?" It's one of my mom's specialty inherited from my Grandma. I never tasted any good chocolate pudding as the one I always ate when my Mom and Grandma were alive. I'm excited.

I'm starting over.

I'm going to take baking course. I'm going to schedule a pudding-making lesson from my Aunt. I'm going to try more recipes. And I'm going to dye my hair Plum again.

I'm starting over. And it's never too late to start over.

I don't feel bitter anymore about my mom's attitude toward my kitchen interest. If she let me learned from her, maybe I won't be this excited again. Maybe I won't have the drive to try something new. Maybe I won't discover new joys in life in such simple actions as learning to make pudding. But mothers, please let your daughters or sons learn from you. It might be a disaster in the kitchen, you might feel annoyed. But believe me, it will be something that your children treasures when they grow up. Teach them with patience, show them what you can do. And one day they can proudly say: "Hey, my Mom taught me this! How cool is that?"

Lastly, I've posted this in Facebook, but again, please ignore the strangely shaped donuts. Apparently it wasn't easy to create a round-and-full donuts with just two spoons even though you've watched the tutorial in youtube a hundred times!

Connect and Reconnect

Funny how the death of our loved one can also bring us to another form of relationship. To get to know someone new or just catching up with those we lost ties many years ago.

Last month I just lost my cousin whom I haven't met for many years. The moment I found out about her illness she was already in her 3rd comatose day in the Intensive Care Unit. It was a shock to our big family cause we never heard that she's been sick or anything since her husband's death a few years ago. And she lived out of town, about 5 hours train ride from where I live.

I've been sick for a few weeks at that time and wasn't able to take a leave from the office. So I asked for my nieces' mobile numbers from my other cousin. A few messages later I was struck with a feeling that this might be the last time I would be able to see her. I found out about her declining condition on Thursday morning, decided to go and see her on that night, asked my brother to buy me train tickets on Friday morning and took the Saturday morning train with my cousin & one of my aunts.

And I never regret my decision to come.

It was an exhausting trip especially in my condition. I couldn't sleep well the night before, afraid that I would wake up late. As soon as we arrived we searched for return tickets and apparently the only tickets available are leaving on the same day around midnight. Sunday train tickets were all sold out, so we bought the midnight tickets right away.

My comatose cousin's 2 daughters picked us up at the station, and it's also been many years since I saw them. One of them is already a mother of 3 (the youngest was only 5 months old) and the other one was actually working in Dubai and took an emergency leave to see her mother. We went directly to the hospital to see my cousin and met another daughter of hers who lived with her in the same house. We only got 1 chance to see her outside the visiting hour but I used that few minutes to pray for her and told her that I was there.

From the hospital we went to my cousin's place to have shower and to catch an early dinner there. Surprisingly, I got to meet my 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons there including the 5 months old baby, Jasmine. We spent our limited hours trying to catch up on our personal lives, shared some laughter in the middle of our sadness, held my grandchildren whom I never met since they were born and most importantly prayed together for my cousin and her children. That night we separated with a heavy heart, like leaving our family behind.

2 days after my return my cousin passed away. And I didn't get to go over for her funeral but my dear cousin Sarah did.

And she returned with a bunch of stories that broke my heart but also made me long to see my long lost nieces and grandchildren again.

Last week suddenly I received a message from one of my niece in Dubai. She told me how much she missed her mom and felt that she hadn't done enough for her. I told her that I felt the same when my mom passed away, but she has to believe that she has made her happy when she was alive. And I'm happy that she could share how she felt with me cause it meant that I have become a real family and friend for her.

Isn't it funny what death can do? It separates you from the one you love, but it can also you brings you someone else to love. In my case, I got to connect with the grandchildren I've never seen and re-connect with the nieces I haven't met for more than a decade.

When I decided to see my comatose cousin those few weeks ago, I twitted this:

How sad that we have to see each other in this kind of circumstances instead of a happy one.

But now after thinking about everything that has happened this past month, I thought that we didn't reconnect in a less fortunate circumstance either. I have met my nieces in the moment when they needed my support and comfort most. Thus, we got to see each other's heart deeper and in a more open way than laughter could bring. We held each other's hands when we prayed, we embraced each other tightly when we said 'so long'.

I promised myself to get to know them better from now on. 
To rebuild the broken bridge between their parents and myself.
To be a part of my grandchildren's growth and (hopefully) future. I don't want them to see me one day and doesn't even know my name.

Life in a big city takes up so much time and energy from us. But if we can spend a day hanging out at the mall why can't we spend another just to get to know our extended family better?

I still have more long lost cousins, nieces and nephews that I have to connect and reconnect with. And I promise myself to get to know them more with laughter... so when the sad moments come, we're ready to share our burdens without the awkwardness and fear of not being understood.

And here's the bonus, pictures of my grandchildren. Aren't they beautiful? :)

With Jessica and Jasmine 

With 5 month-old Jasmine

Finally...

I just realized that I posted a long time ago to start taking guitar lesson but I never did... There were so many reasons (or excuses?) that prevented me to go ahead and register myself to one. But last week I finally did and now I'm so looking forward to my first lesson in November.

Checked Yamaha Music School nearby the office if they have a late night class and was told they have Acoustic Guitar class every Thursday at 8pm, new class starts every month. The next day I  went and registered myself for the next new class.

I took the class because I wanted to be able to play better. I play guitar and sing to make myself feel better but end up feeling frustrated because of my limited chords' ability LOL Actually I was considering to take drum lesson since I've had the basic and had taken an informal lesson long time ago, but since I don't even have a drum set I guess I'd have to hold it for the time being.

But yeah, I'd like to continue my drum lesson next year. My cousin said  I should just bought a drum pad for exercising at home but after checking the price I could actually get an electric drum set for a little more. I hope I can save more money to buy one next year and eventually have my drum lesson while still continuing my guitar class.

Well, never too late to start something :) I haven't even started yet but I already have a list of songs that I'd like to be able to play soon ROFL

My Purple / Violet Story

It all started with a pair of sneakers.

So I finally redyed my red hair that began to look like a mix of half dirty blonde half orange with a shade of red. This time I went to a real professional, a Korean stylist. Once I was seated and my hair washed, the stylist - Mr. Yun - asked me: "What color do you want for your hair?" I wanted EXO's Baekyun's hair color the moment I saw it in Wolf promo, so I took out my phone, browsed the gallery and showed him 2 pictures of my purple haired baby.

He smiled and said: "So you like purple?" It's the first time that someone asked me such a simple question but it took me a few seconds to answer. "I guess?... Yeah, I think I do." And he told me: "Okay, this time we're doing Hair Manicure instead of coloring, and the color is violet." I just nodded in agreement though I didn't understand LOL

Two hours later I went out of the hair boutique with a fluffy violet hair, new hair style and lavender nails (the service came with free manicure) :) And I had to admit that I love my new look! Hahaha And here comes the story of how I got to love the color purple / violet...

My wardrobe and accessories have always been limited to basic colors such as black, grey, charcoal, navy, silver or dark brown. I'm too lazy to mix and match my outfit so those colors are considered 'safe' for me. With an exception of Blue. I think I don't mind with any shades of blue, be it baby blue, navy or sky blue or whatever blue there is. And I'm the kind who dress up in one tone, so I just have to have my stuff in those range of colors.

Until I wanted a pair of fitflop sneakers. What I wanted came in 3 colors: Dark Shadow Silver, Plum Metallica and Navy Blue. Of course my first choice was Dark Shadow Silver, but they ran out of my size. Navy Blue still had my size but my cousin said that Plum Metallica looked nicer. I thought, why not wait another day before I made up my mind? 

But of course the next day when I logged in there's no more Navy Blue with my size. That left me with no option but Plum Metallica. I'm veeeeerrrryyy picky with shoes but that's another story. To make a long story short, I reluctantly bought the Plum Metallica sneakers.

The sneakers fit me perfectly. And I just love to wear it anywhere since it's super comfortable. But of course, it would look better with matching clothes, right? Right?

So I started buying purple / violet shirts... then bracelet... then pen... then other small stuff follow to the point where I can wear purple / violet color coordinated outfit and finally I admitted at the Korean Hair Boutique, yes I like purple now. Anyone who wants to buy me anything, please remember that purple / violet is now an option ROFL

Oh, not to forget, here's my new look straight out of the Hair Boutique... How do you like it? I love it, thank you very much hahaha

photo courtesy of Ade Julianti

Make-up, make over?

I used to hate doing make-up. Usually someone else has to do it for me. So what changed? My visit to South Korea and Korean cosmetics. ROFL Everywhere I went I would see rows and rows of cosmetics shops from all the Korean brand that I've heard or not heard before. And I was surprised to see the extension of the products, from skin care to make-ups and whatever things I didn't imagine existed hahaha

I actually don't hate the make-ups, but I used to feel that applying them was complicated. I couldn't even apply eye liner until a few months ago when I found this product.

Missha M Real Lasting Pen Eyeliner

I read some nice reviews on this product and how easy to apply it. Honestly, my previous efforts in applying eyeliner were embarrassing enough. I'm glad I never took any pictures of those times when I tried it out in my bedroom! But this thing is something that I can't miss now... The pointy tip makes me more confident in drawing the line, so my hand is more steady when holding it.

And when it comes to eye shadow, I really had no idea how to combine the basic colors. But yes, I could at least apply it, thanks to some basic training from being in church choir a long time ago :) But this thing really helps, I don't need any brush, just my fingers and voila! I got the color combination that I like.

Missha The Style Triple Perfection Shadow

I even got 2 of these, Brownie Pink for day wear and Grape Purple for night wear. Other than these products, I also found that lots of make-up tutorials in youtube also helpful. And finally I got to try to apply my own make-up to a party last weekend. Bwahahaha Can I show off? It's not that visible here, but I hope you notice a little change on my eyes.

How did I look? Hahaha I'm hoping for a compliment when I'm asking :) It's a new pair of glasses that I was wearing, by the way.

And if you're asking why I'm using MISSHA instead of more famous products in Indonesia, well at first it's because my boys were endorsing it. LOL But after trying out its products I''m quite satisfied with the result, so I kept purchasing them.

MISSHA with TVXQ

Just look at the promotion ad! I mean, HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT THEIR FACES AND NOT BUYING ANYTHING? LOL

Oh well, maybe it's just my lame excuses, but they make me feel good and happy. So yeah, let's look at more tutorials and have my own make over. 

Credit: Pictures belong to Missha... except mine, unless they want me to endorse their products :p

I'm not addicted to hair dyeing!

Unlike some people's opinion that I'm addicted to dyeing my hair, no, I AM NOT!! I re-dyed my hair because the first one didn't live up to my expectations. I was surprised when I looked at it, true, but the longer I stared at my hair the more I longed for the actual color I imagined especially since the old hair dye washed out quickly leaving my hair looked half blonde half orange :( And finally I re-dyed it again last week with the help of a real professional LOL Credits to Pram from L'oreal Jakarta who asked me dubiously when I pointed to the color: "It's usually used as highlight cause it's very bright, are you sure you're confident enough to have it on the whole head?". To which I replied (and made him grin from ear to ear): "You have no idea how confident I can be!"

Here's the result, shiny isn't it? *grin*

Left: with room lighting, Right: with natural lighting. 

And don't I just love my boss? I sent him a message a few days before I dyed my hair:

"Can I leave the office at 3pm on Monday? I want to re-dye my hair cause I finally found a place that has the right shade of red. Since it's the fasting month and offices are closed earlier, the guy can only do it at 4pm."

Reply: "Sure. Why red again and not blue?"

"I wanted to dye it blue but I guess **** and **** won't agree :( The elders already raised eyebrows to my current hair can't imagine what they'll say next week. Anyway, dyeing my hair blue is already on the list of my things to do before I die."

Reply: "Hahaha Go for it."

My friend who knew I left early to do that thought I was crazy for telling my boss the truth, that I left "just to dye my hair". To be honest, I don't see the need to lie cause I've been dedicated enough with my work. Why lie and get yourself into trouble later when you can be honest and dye your hair in peace without being afraid of the office ringing you? LOL

So, do you like the new red as much as I do? :)

Makeover

So I finally dyed my hair RED. Yes, RED. After contemplating for a (really) long time, now I'm officially a red head.

Like I've always mentioned many times, there were two things that people was always mistaken about me: (1) That I dye my hair brown. Really, it's natural and my mother used to try hard to turn it black to no avail. (2) That I wear brown lenses. Again, it's my natural eye color, I couldn't even wear contacts cause I can't stop rubbing my eyes for many reasons!

And since I couldn't fix number (2), however I could always fix number (1). So this is the first picture after I returned from the hair salon last night. Please ignore the pimples T____T

Even though I have kind of imagined what it would look like, it still surprised me just how red it looked like! LOL When I got home, my dad didn't say anything, he just stared at me and sighed hahaha I didn't want to ask him anything though :p

As for my lil' brother... he told me: "Why don't you get a costume and take pictures with it? I kind of imagining you posing with a sword!" I was like, "Huh??"

If I was surprised last night, imagine my reaction when I looked at my self in bright daylight! The red hair even looked brighter! :) Again, ignore the pimples, I know they're not cute :(

Most friends were curious as to why I did this. I have several answers. First, my natural hair is brown, why would I dye it in another shade brown? I surely didn't want to dye it blonde and I didn't have enough guts to have candy color hair, but I think red is still manageable for me.

I also sent a message to my boss who's traveling now, "I dyed my hair red, I hope it's okay with you? :D" He replied: "Fine with me. Why you dyed it red?" My reply to him was: "Cause I promised to do it together with my close friend. Or maybe I just want to do something crazy for once in my life."

Just like my previous post, many people thought of me as boring or inflexible almost in everything and I humbly accepted that opinion since I realized that's exactly what I am.  I'm not trying to prove anything here, but I want to assure myself that I can be fun too. I can't dress up sexily with my figure, I still can't put up make-ups the right way to look beautiful, I still learned to change little by little everyday... but my hair color? I can change it NOW.

So here I am with red hair. And to tell the truth? I enjoy every single attention and reaction to it. Tell ya', I can be fun too ;)

OCD? OCPD?

For a long time my close friends have suspected (or accused?) me of having a terrible symptom of Obssessive Compulsive Disorder or better known with its abbreviation, OCD.

Why? After much observation on their side, they felt that I fit the description :) Don't I think so? Well, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my habitual actions definitely! After all, they are habits, I do it all the time consciously and unconsciously. And then I started to notice the things freaked me out a little. Am I really having OCD?

Let's start to list down the symptoms or should I say, my actions?

1. I'm indexing all of my stuff. From CD, downloads, movies, especially books. I filed them in several ways. For books: Title - Author - Number of Volumes - Condition of the books - Box Number. Then I made the same list with the Author names comes first in case I forget the title but I know who writes it. Books like novels that I read and re-read many times, I put in the book shelf right in front of my bed. So I could get them anytime I feel like reading them. As for the others, especially comics -- as you can guess from the way I arranged them, I put them in numbered boxes. So when I want to read one, I only need to refer to my index list and won't waste time to look for it.

I consider this normal, apparently not so. How about you?

2.  All of my word files are using the same font size, same margins & same paragraph spacing. There were cases when my friends wanted me to read something that they thought interesting and sent me an unorganized word file (i.e: different margins from one paragraph to another, different font size in a page or excessive spacings because it's copied from an html page). Guess what? I wasn't able to read passed the second pages until I edited it according to my standard. Otherwise it gave me headaches and I'd just threw it away. Another reason why I'm highly annoyed to receive a file that I can't edit but have to read or review. Believe it or not, it stressed me out and will take a long time for me to finish.

Do you think it's too much? Are you able to read any unorganized file?

3. Everything has to be planned ahead. Abrupt changes will change my mood drastically. I usually know on Sunday night what I want to do for the next week, when I think I want to go out, what to read, what to wear. Unless the changes happen naturally, then it's doomsday for me. Let's say I promised to meet someone since a week ago and that person cancels one day prior to the meeting. I would be a in a terrible mood! Like I don't know what else to do with my tomorrow when we're supposed to meet and I'll be sulking the whole day. Another example that annoyed me most was when I went to a restaurant with every intention to eat something. I ordered, wait for 15 minutes, then the waiter returned saying that it's not available. In most cases when I'm with friends, I would bear the disappointment and tried to order something else that I wouldn't enjoy. But when I'm by myself, I just looked at the waiter in the eye, paid for my drink and left without a single word and ended up not eating anything almost the whole day.

Another downside to this is I can hardly enjoy impromptu trip or activities. Once or twice when I'm really in a superb mood then it can turn out to be an amazing experience. Hardly. More than myself, looks like it annoys my friends more cause they think I'm inflexible. Even on holiday, I planned it day by day down to where to eat and what time I should return. Natural changes are acceptable, i.e: the train is late, thus we arrive late at our destinations and have to re-arranged the rest of the schedule. Or suddenly it's raining, so we have to switch to a less wet place. Fine. Acceptable. But "Let's do this since it's more interesting and I think we can do what we wanted to do another day." is totally unacceptable. I'd rather go separate ways then throwing a tantrum that will only make me miserable.

Beginning to sound like a lot of trouble, don't you think? And this is where I get being called a 'perfectionist' T____T

4. I arranged my money in my wallet in a very specific way. From the smallest nomination to the biggest one, from the worst looking to the better one, faces on front - buildings on backs, right side up. I have a lot of trouble with this when paying at a cashier with a long line. I rushed and just put my changes inside, but I couldn't help thinking about what a mess the inside of my wallet is :( At the next possible moment (usually when I was ready to leave the parking lot or when I sit down to eat) I just have to re-arrange my wallet first before I feel happy again LOL

This shouldn't be a problem right? Cause I hear a lot of people do arrange their money in a similar way.

5. I don't shuffle my playlist. Let me repeat that again: I don't shuffle my playlist. If you check my ipod, tablets, and handphones, all my playlist are arranged by singer - album - track list. So if I want to listen to Jay Chou's songs, it's definitely will be from the 1st album to the last and according to the album track list. Unless I want to listen to a specific Album, then I will skip the others and play the album that I want. According to the original track list. Again, no shuffling. Then I have another playlist of Jay Chou's song separated into BALLADS & FAST TEMPO.

Don't I have a mixed playlist where all kinds of genre and tempo and singers are included? Of course I do. But (again, I'll keep saying it) according to my arrangement. I put the songs in the playlist according to how I feel when I arrange it, so when I play it I know exactly what song comes after another. There was once when my beloved cousin Sarah, shuffled my ipod's playlist intentionally, because she was getting bored of my arrangement. It took me less than 10 minutes after it played to yelled at her to put it back to normal because "I don't expect this "A" song comes after "B" when I arranged it after "D" song!" ROFL

Some people told me I'm boring because of this.

6. I have to wear my clothes from the left side to the right. Yes, you hear it right. From left to right. Meaning: when I want to wear pants, I have to put in my left foot first before my right. And when I want to wear a shirt, I have to put in my left arm first before my right. I guess this is the worst symptom that I could think of and also the one that won't annoy anyone by myself. What if I'm in a rush, I wouldn't realized whether I wear my clothes from left right or the other way around, right? No. I'd feel it. I'd feel that something is wrong and after recounted everything from the moment I wake up until I get out of the house and don't find anything wrong; the only conclusion I can get is I must've worn my clothes in the wrong way. I've experienced this before and I just have to find the closest toilet soon, undressed my self and wear it the right way. And tadaaa! Everything's cool again for me :)

Nobody elase has the right to be annoyed with this but myself.

7. I can't stand to see something out of place. When I go shopping and see a clothes fall off the rack, I automatically pick it up and hang it at the right place. When I see a book fall out of the shelf anywhere, I just have to put it back on. When I see a row of chairs and there's one that's located a bit outside the line, it's an eyesore until someone (more likely myself) put it back in line. When I sit in front of a table and it happens to have a DOT that doesn't belong to its pattern, let's just say I'd be pissed without a reason and will keep looking at it, wishing that the dot will disappear.

This also, more annoying to myself than others. Everything just has to be in place.

So what do you think after reading all of my so called 'symptoms'?  Some that I've heard are BORING, CONTROL FREAK, PERFECTIONIST. Wanna add something else?

After I made the list, curiosity got the best of me. I browsed the net to get to know what actually OCD was. To my surprise, I didn't think that it fit me no matter how people said so. You can read the descriptions HERE and HERE.

Instead, it led me to another condition called Obssessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder of OCPD. From what I have described above, I could say that I do show symptoms of OCPD but reading this page, I feel better for getting to know myself more even though it described OCPD somewhat as problematic as OCD. I do realize my inflexibility to things, my way of having to be in control most of the time and doing things "my way" and I'm still thankful that my close friends were pointing them out to me no matter how many times I chewed them out with my words of denial.

So there you go. OCPD. Not OCD. But I still have to change.

Relationship

Entering the 4th day of 2013, and yet again I'm faced with the same challenge that I faced in 2012.

There were so many things happened last year, I had to say it's very bittersweet. Traveled places, experienced new emotions and so on. But my biggest challenge in 2012 would be MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS.

Yes, you heard me correctly. And relationships are not limited to friends or family, it's including our relationship with GOD. I found a hard time to keep an intimate relationship with God, I had to admit. There were a lot of struggles and some self-pity in my part, but HE is greater than everything. HE showed me little by little that to maintain a relationship with HIM, most of the time HE just wants us to talk to HIM and quietly let HIM do the work instead of trying to so everything by ourselves. I learned my lesson, and I pray that I'll have a more intimate relationship with HIM this year, to experience HIM every single day.

Surprisingly, maintaining human relationships or perhaps friendship is a better term to call it, was just as hard. I built new relationships (meaning: new friends), upgraded some, fixed some and sadly failed one or two.

Since I didn't get a lot of holidays last year, the little spare time I had I used to reflect on myself. Why things happened the way it did, how did I fail on maintaining something that I used to be capable of doing a good job at? I thought I would never find the answer of those but right at the beginning of the new year I finally found that it's all back to my relationship with GOD.

As I struggled with my relationship with HIM, I lost patience, I lost tolerance and I became someone who lost trust in a lot of things. I became selfish and preferred to tend to myself first before others. I broke off relationships that I deemed "won't work anymore" and forgot that God could also do the same to me, yet HE kept me close and helped me fixed our relationships.

So I took time to list down each relationship that I failed to maintain. There's one thing in common, NEGATIVITY. I failed to try to understand why people were suddenly turned negative towards practically everything, I just cut them off from my circle of friends in my excuse not to taint myself with it. But guess what? That didn't make me happy either. I couldn't stop thinking about them nor stop caring. And I realized, there's a fine line between protecting your heart and ignorance. I was not protecting myself from negativity, I was being ignorant to those whom I called "negative friends."

By failing the most important relationship, I fail more of those. One cannot work without the other.

So I promised myself to love more, to do more, to learn more, to give more. I might have my heart broken by my earthly relationships, but my heavenly one will patch me up even more beautifully. And by fixing my relationship with GOD, I know I'll have the strength to rebuild the friendships that I have failed. I hope you can do the same.

Matthew 22 : 37 - 40, King James version

Jesus said unto him, Thou salt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, Thou salt love thy beighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Being the only one

The only one of what?

The only girl in the office :)

Yes, sometimes being the only lady among the (supposedly) gentlemen really had its perks.

Scene 1 -- lunch

The office boy was on out, it's nearing lunch time and I was hungry but I couldn't leave the office. The little bosses didn't bother much about opening the doors when the bells were ringing.

Text message from Big boss: "Have you bought lunch?"

Me: "No, I haven't."

Big boss: "Don't buy lunch, I bring you some."

Hooray! In the end I ate too much but nevertheless I had a great lunch served on my desk :)

Scene 2 -- birthday

Little Boss 1: "Happy birthday!"

Big boss: "Oh s**t! I was supposed to say it first! Happy birthday!"

Me: *blush* Thank you boss... thank you...

Big boss: "Oh no, I had arranged a lunch meeting and the other boys (little boss 2 & 3) are out of town! Why don't you take the girls from the next office to celebrate your lunch? I'll pay."

Me: *reluctant* That's okay, no need to arrange anything.

5 minutes later, email from Little Boss 1:
"I don't want to get in the way of any plans you may have already made with your friends. But just n case you haven't I would love to take you out for lunch for your birthday on the condition that you pick a nice place :)

My reply: "I have no plans, let's have lunch at THIS place."

His reply: "Great! Let me know when you're good to go."

Then I got my luxurious birthday lunch in that Japanese Restaurant that I liked but hardly went because it's expensive LOL

Scene 3 -- today, after lunch

Little Boss 2: "Hey, I'm going downstairs. Do you want @%93L#090@(2@#?? It's really good?"

Me: "Huh?? What's that?"

Little Boss 2: "Doesn't matter, just say YES!"

Me: "Yes?"

Little Boss 2: "Ok."

15 minutes later a glass of fresh juice was delivered to my desk. Carrot and orange. Just the way I like it.


Being the only girl in the office is cool... LOL

Writing, A New Start

I'm not the type of person who created "New Year's Resolution" every year. As cliche as it may sound, I just prayed that I become a better person each and every year. Why? Because I knew I wasn't good enough, I had never been perfect and I didn't try hard enough to be a better me.

Last year I added something else though. I wanted to write again. I prayed to God to let me write again. And it happened. And once I started... I couldn't stop. Ideas were flowing, inputs were received from so many people... I felt alive again. I felt like I'm back to being myself from many years ago.

Writing used to be my way to express myself and my feelings as far as I could remember. I used to be able to write whatever came up in my head... pondered over it, took a pen and a book, and started writing until it's gone from my head. Back in High School I won several poetry competitions for my school... If memory served, the best that I won was a silver medal for a province level competition. The theme was "Delinquency."

First, I didn't like the theme. Second, I had no idea what to say about delinquency. And to put it into a poem? Gaaahh! So I procrastinated... Other than myself there were another 2 people who represented my school. The other 2 submitted their writings to the school a week before the deadline, typed and printed into 3 copies as inquired. I submitted mine only 2 hours prior to the time the teacher should go to submit the materials to the committee. Hand written in 10 minutes, copied with carbon paper with smudges of black carbon all over the 2 copies. I grinned as I handed them out to the teacher and left home in a rush... so I could have enough time to shower and leave again to watch the school's theater's club's performance somewhere. Competition forgotten.

As soon as I arrived at the theater hall, my friend ran to me and congratulated me. I just asked dumbly, "What happened?" She told me excitedly, "You won!" I asked again idiotically, "What did I win?" She looked at me with impatience and told me about the competition result. One second later... "I won?" Two seconds... "I WON??" Three seconds, "I WON!! Really?? You're not lying to me, are you??" And we were jumping up and down in celebration, I was still in disbelief that I wrote something good enough to win it. Unfortunately, I didn't keep a copy of the poem since I wrote it instantaneously in front of the teachers' room :) But at least I had a happy memory of it when I opened my mom's drawer and found the appreciation letter and the announcement of my winning among the things that she treasured of her children. I thought: "Did I make you proud, Mom? Were you happy for me too?"

Back to what I actually wanted to convey in this post... I'm very happy to find a media in which I can express my self again in writing. Though I don't think I can let everyone know the media in which I started to pour out my passion once again, the response that I received in each post was overwhelming... Knowing that people from another countries actually got emotional over every chapter, it was such a privilege for me and inspired me to write more and better in every update. Eventually, once I started I could hardly stop. Just when I finished one, another idea came up...

But if you think that I wrote just because I wanted to... you're not completely wrong but it's also not correct. This time, I wrote with a mission. I read about so many heartaches and pains in this online community I frequent. When I prayed to God to let me write again, I asked HIM to give me ideas and let me know what I should write. After awhile, the comments and private messages that flowed my inbox were astounding. Many people shared their painful past and what they felt after reading what I wrote. As they poured out their hearts to me, I also opened up to them about my own experiences. Once again I found my happiness in being able to help others in a way that I could. To God Be The Glory!

About a month ago I was browsing through my mom's old files. Among them were a few books of her daily journal, up to the times when she just got sick. I was glad that I was alone at home, so I could cry my heart out reading some of her posts, finding out her heart and mind in there. Then I came across a book that I never saw before. It looked a bit older then the rest of the journals. Tell me how surprises I was to see that my mom was actually a writer herself! Half of the book was handwritten with her view of life, of family, of marriage... like those articles that I could find a magazine. Each word was meaningful and a picture of the past that shaped her. It was a great discovery for me! Writing was her legacy to me.

As I laid down on my bed at night after the discovery... I thought of how fortunate I have been. To be given another chance to continue doing what I should do... To start expressing myself again through the talent that God had blessed me with. But more than those, to be able to re-discover my inner self in a new point of view. Nothing's ever too late. You can always start anew. I have re-started one... and I will re-start more.

There were other things that I used to do in the past... creating things... And I know I can always start doing it again. All I have to do it just opening the drawers and take out the materials that somehow I still keep intact. Time is running... I don't want to waste another moment in vanity.

presence

It's day 7 of being home alone. And another 6 days to go. And somehow it doesn't feel so good.

Not that I'm not used being alone, in fact I am so used to it. But ever since my mom passed away, I've always had my father around, well there's only the 2 of us at home anyway. He traveled a few times, but never more than 5 days, 6 day tops. This is like the longest time he left me by myself. Heck, I'm an adult, there shouldn't be an issue being home all alone! I think most people will be happy, another reason to come home late :D

But lately I feel that a presence of another person feels so much better. I don't talk much with my dad, when I got home we usually just said hi and if there's something to tell each other, then we tell. Once or twice we had dinner together at home (when I can leave the office early & no traffic jam on the way home), I bought him food that he likes. But even when we don't interact much, I know he's there. I feel his presence.

The sound of tv in the living room makes me feel his presence.
The sound of his steps passing my bedroom makes me feel his presence.
The sound of the door keys in the morning makes me feel his presence.
Now even when he's not home, I can feel his presence.
And I start to appreciate it. That's the difference between the dead and the living.

I still have some of the things that she left behind. And her pictures are all around the house. But I don't feel her presence anymore. I could still memorize her laugh, I could still remember the smell of her perfume. I could still picture her frown when she disagree with me. But she's no longer there.

So for how long can I still feel my dad's presence, only God knows. I just want to cherish every moment while I'm still with him right now. But even when he's gone, I hope I can find another presence to feel when I'm home. And keep me away from my loneliness.

Holiday

Today is the last day of the long Idul Fitri holiday... and you know what? I haven't been able to finish all the reading & the watching that I had planned to do before the holiday. And what would be my excuse this time? Too much to do? Not enough time? Or too short a holiday?

I thought I always told myself that holiday is no reason to be lazy... Honestly, I still woke up early in the morning like any other working days, though I went to bed a little later than usual... But I procrastinate in doing everything! And not doing it the way it should have been!

I woke up at 5am in the morning... I replayed my ipod again... closed my eyes and slept for another hour... At 6am, I turned on my side lamp & read things that I didn't plan to read... At 8 I woke up, took my time to do my bed... And by 9, I haven't even mopped the floor!

Even when I watched, I've actually made a watching list... but I ended up watching totally different movies/shows. And the worst was I fell asleep while watching/reading, and when I woke up instead of continuing it, I did something else! T____T

Anyway, even though things didn't go as planned, I'm still happy... I got the much needed sleep, time with dad, enough shopping, and definitely a whole lotta fun with some of close friends! Yeah, this time the housekeeper had decided to quit her job and I had to do the laundry (for my own clothes :p Dad washed his own hahahaha) & the much hated ironing... Thankfully my dad can cook his own food as I'm the useless one in the kitchen :p All I did was providing the raw material as requested hehehe *useless daughter*

Maybe I won't plan anything for my next holiday... maybe I should just let it roll however I like... but still, holiday is no reason to be lazy *once again* it's just another reason to take your time to to do things... Happy holiday!