1 Month

God is good. God is really really good. God is great.

My mom's passing 9 years ago was traumatic for me. For several years, I couldn't close my eyes and remember her happy healthy self. I was with her through her battle with cervix cancer for 2 years, I watched how it took away everything good from her, and yet when the time came for her... I wasn't there beside her. I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital. But you know what? She left while being sung with worship by her church friends. She left peacefully though I didn't see it. I still believe that God was holding her hand.

She left me a message though my cousins and aunts, something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do: to take care of my little brother and Dad, cause she believed I was the only one who could do that for her. I made a promise to her in front of her coffin that I would try to do my best.

Exactly one month ago, my Dad also left us all to return to our Heavenly Father. Yes, I cried a lot of tears but I also laughed just as much. God gifted me a great present, the thing that I remember most about the morning I saw him last being alive was his smile as I said goodbye to leave for work. A few hours latter the phone call came, my hand shook, my head said impossible - he was okay this morning.

One month back... I was given a chance to create more happy memories with him. I took him to the doctor and hospital, something that I hadn't been able to do. He was always scheduled on weekdays, but that one time somehow I was spared a weekend. And an extra Monday night to pick him up after an MRI then to have dinner with him and my sister in law.

I was actually had a tiring week, but something told me that I just had to go that Saturday. Then most of the time I just felt like buying food that he liked, but somehow he lost his appetite. 3 days before he went, I brought some cookies that I bought from a friend. He loved them!! He said he couldn't stop eating those, tasted so good... I was happy and we chatted in the living room for a bit. He made a joke on the brand, I was lying on my stomach in the sofa bed just listening to him.

I was struggling with something for months, I kept praying to God to give me answer. Even after my dad was settled into a coffin in the funeral home, it still felt like a dream to me. When I walked away for a moment I prayed to God: "This wasn't the answer that I expected from you, Lord. Why did you do this to me." And God never waited for long to give an answer. My cousin who worked out of town happened to be in Jakarta. When he held me in his arms he said: "Your job's done. Well done." I felt like being slapped so hard on my face, yet I still didn't understand fully what that meant.

On the second night, my brother and sister in law asked to talk to me in my bedroom. They told me that dad was concerned about me, he talked to them about how lonely I would be when he's gone, what would I do by myself... Then my brother told me: "Remember when mom died you promised her to take good care of me and dad? Well, you've done it! It's over now, it's time for us (he and his wife) to take care of you! I promised dad that you won't be alone, you have us. And it's my turn to be there for you."

I was speechless. Not about what he said. But the revelation of God's plan in our life. I could hear HIM clearly: It's not about answering your prayer. It's about MY time. And it's MY time for your dad to be with ME. Your job's done, now it's MY turn and YOUR time to live your life for yourself.

God is good. God is really really good. God is great.

And the past month I've been grateful, of how much fun Dad had shared with us. Looking at his pictures, even though I'm sad, I can also smile remembering the past 9 years I spent with him. My sister in law told me that when I took him to the cardiologist last month he was very happy. I was just waiting (and trying to sleep) at the reception room, but he told the nurses inside: "Look, my daughter has driven me here! She can't do it usually cause she has to work, but today she comes with me! That's her sitting there!" I can't ask for something better that those words.

It's only been a month... but I know I'm going to be alright. I spent more time with my brother and sister in law... laughing together, reminiscing about him together. Even though there's also a lot of things to get used to without him, I'm learning to live for myself.

In the end, God is good. God is really really good. God is great for me.

Connect and Re-connect

8 months into 2016... I do feel that time surely flies in a blink of an eye... in only 8 months so many things had happened but one most important thing that I learned is to connect and reconnect.

I tried to spend more time with my family, both immediate and extended. Timewise, I have to admit it's really not easy to do. Considering the highway, mrt, lrt and whatever constructions all over Jakarta, the time spent on the road is getting longer and longer. By the time I got home on weekdays, it's already 7 - 8pm and I felt exhausted. Weekend is spent doing laundry, cleaning up my room, and no matter how tired I am I determined to go to church with my Dad on Sunday morning for the 7am service then went to buy lunch with him. Once in a while we also had lunch together, sometime just the two of us, or if time permits with my Bro and Sis in law.

One thing that I also noticed is my Dad felt lonely if I spent a lot of time outside home. Since my Bro and Sis in law started their own business, my Dad spent all day at home by himself including on weekend. Even though I just stayed in my room reading or watching, I saw that he felt better having someone at home. If I went out for 2 weekends in a row, the next weekend he would asked me: "What have you been doing? Why are you so busy? Are you going again today?". You know, I always told him where I was going, but his medical condition made him forget. So I explained again... and sometime, I cancelled my plan and just stayed at home. That's when I realized that I have been given such a great opportunity to take care of him when many times I heard about lonely parents who live alone without seeing their children for a long time. I am blessed.

I went out with my cousins, met up with some uncle and aunts, sent messages to those whom I haven't seen or heard from in awhile. To be honest, I used to think spending time with them to be such a chore. But it really amazed me that this time, somehow, as our relationship grew tighter I also felt stronger. Like I have people who cared about me behind my back to support me and pray for me. And I hope that's how they feel too. As lately, so many things good or bad are happening to our family in and outside Jakarta, but somehow there was always a way for us to be connected one way or another, to keep updated with how each other's doing. God's restoring our family's relationship and there's still more that He wants to do with us. I'm expecting.

As for friends... I have to let some go, but gain new ones... After not meeting for a long time, a friend told me during our dinner: "You know, I read that we have lesser friends as we get older. We just don't have the time and patience to build new relationships, it's already hard to maintain old ones." At first I agreed. As time went by, it dawned on me that as I grew older, I also grew impatient and unable to tolerate bullshits. I'd rather have friends who can't promise when to meet but actually have time to keep in touch or just say hi over the phone, than friends who keep saying we should do things together but in the end don't even have time to ask me how I'm doing while they're busy posting stuff of them having fun in SNS.

Being stuck in traffic in the morning or after office hour also became an important moment for me to re-connect. I put on my hands-free and make some calls. There is one dear friend whom I cannot meet at church regularly anymore since we have different service to attend. She spent all day taking care of her mother so it's also not easy to find time to meet outside church. Mornings are to call her or others whom I know are not having regular office work. Evenings to night are for those who's only available after work. My mobile phone bill is rising definitely (though not significantly), but it's money worth spending for.

When I was going through a hard time a few months ago, I didn't tell many people. I posted a thank you post in my FB though but some people surprised me by sending messages to ask what happened and how I coped up with it. And those were people whom I didn't expect to actually care. And just like that, we re-connected and kept in touch. It all started from a simple "Hi, how are you?"

In the end, time is the most valuable thing that we can give to our loved ones. Make an effort to pick up your phone to call or just send a message. You will never know when someone is in need of a person to talk to. Make sure to put down your phone and ignore your SNS for an hour or so when the other person is talking. This year is full of blessings to connect and re-connect for me. And I want to keep it going. Maybe you should too.

Oh yes, here's some moments with my loved ones!! There's a lot more but I haven't backed them up to my computer hahaha These will do :)

160626 Family from Sacramento, before they fly back home. Miss them already!

160707 Bro's birthday and Lebaran holiday lunch w/ Dad... at the Mall!!

160730 Sending off our cousin to University in Semarang and celebrating our birthday.

Up Close & Personal

One night last week my Dad had a big smile when I got home and waved a card at me: "Look what I got! I got a birthday card from my Cardiologist! He didn't say anything when I had my therapy this morning but then this came by post!"

It wasn't his birthday yet (it is TODAY), so he was excited and all smiles. "Look, it even says 'Happy Birthday Grandfather'," he said, "But I'm not a grandfather yet!" a little complain LOL I knew why it was written that way, almost everyone outside the family call him 'Opung' or grandfather in Batak language because of his old age (no sh*t, Sherlock! He's 77 years old today!) and all the grey hair covering his head.

He hasn't finished praising his Cardiologist, "I'm so touched that he even knows my birthday." -- well, it's written in your medical records definitely. "He even came to your brother's wedding with his wife." -- this, I was also surprised. "And he gave me a copy of Our Daily Bread with my name written on it last Christmas." -- this also touched me, so personal.

His encounter with dr. Raymond Suwita SpJP from Klinik CDG started in April last year, 2014. From the beginning of the 2014 my Dad's health was declining fast. He refused stents insertion, started getting problems in his brain due to lack of oxygen caused by slow blood flow through his heart, and he blacked out in February while talking to my brother. Got him 5 stitches in the head and a few days at the hospital. After he got out, he couldn't do much. The medications made him sleepy all the time, too tired to do anything, swollen legs. He got even more stressed out when his brother passed away early April.

At my Uncle's funeral I met someone who was surprised to see my Dad's condition considering he used to be very active. After listening to my story, she told me that she used to have the same problem but she found this place and had been getting therapy there for a couple of months and her heart function increased significantly -- no stent no surgery. She gave me the address, the doctor's name and told me to register him as soon as possible. We got his first appointment when I had to travel, so my brother took him there.

The clinic is using some uncommon methods in Indonesia for treatments. After almost day-long consultation (including blood test, EKG, CT Scan, etc) it was decided that for the first package my Dad would need 3 times of ILIB or Intravascular Laser Irradiation of Blood therapy (in between EECP) and 36 times of EECP or Enhanced External Counter Pulsation therapy (3 times a week). My Dad & my Brother were impressed by dr. Raymond on this first consultation. My Brother said: "He's very thorough in examining each test's result, very patient, gentle and didn't mind to answer all our questions."

The therapies were not cheap. But considering the recommendation, I was willing to try. He began the next day after the consultation. I was told that dr. Raymond kept checking on him and waited on him until the therapy finished. At one point, my Dad fell asleep in during an EECP session but dr. Raymond told my brother and the nurse to just let him sleep until he woke up by himself. If he slept that soundly, that meant he needed it. The whole package finished in about 3 months. By this time, my Dad no longer had swollen feet, he could do a little gardening again and taking care of his little pond. He improved significantly.

After that he was maintained with 2 sessions of EECP weekly and since a few months ago he only needed 1 session. He has to continue the EECP for as long as he lives and still has to take lots of medicines daily (but even with stents people still have to take medicines, so I'm okay with this). His medications are divided for his heart condition and his brain. dr. Raymond said that they couldn't fix it, the meds and vitamins are to slow down the deterioration.Since the therapies were expensive we asked him if could prescribed us with less expensive medication. With some, he could, but mostly not especially for the brain meds. Well, we all know the actual quality of Indonesian generic meds anyway; wouldn't want to risk it. But at least he tried, and we appreciated it. My Dad is now living happily, (almost) normally (no denying of old age too here) and travels almost monthly.

During those first 3 months of therapies, my brother told me that dr. Raymond remembered the name of all his patients and the patients' regular caretakers. He called my brother by name instead of the just 'the son'. Before he left the clinic, he would check if there were patients still underwent therapies and would waited on them even when his practice hour was over. And he did that every single day. This was the first time I found a doctor who treated his patients in a very personal way. God bless him! I want to thank him for the 19 months that my Dad had been under his care and for listening to our worries, answering our questions and for every special little thing he had done. May he stays strong in faith and uses his talents to help more people.

Now, HAPPY 77th BIRTHDAY DAD! Please accept the reality that yes, you're getting old ROFL We love you and wish you can be with us for many more years. Keep doing what you love to do and a blessings wherever you go.

Count On You

So tonight I tried to make Kimbab. And failed miserably.

First try: Too much rice, too much filling, find it hard to roll perfectly and the fillings leaked out of the rolls.

Dad came to the kitchen and looked at my sad-looking-failed of a kimbab roll.

Dad: "What is that?"

Me: "Supposed to be Kimbab. But I failed."

Dad: "Oh, but I came because it smells nice."

*in my head* Sesame oil makes everythi g smells good, believe me!

Dad: "So what you gonna do with it?"

Me: "Eat it anyway! I dont want to waste food!" *eat a piece and winced, it taste like... rice with kim/nori and a carrot*

Dad laughed and walked back to watch TV.

Second try: Better looking, much smaller and at least the roll was not breaking in the middle.

I cut it out in a few pieces and brought it to Dad.

Me: "Would you try it?" *expecting him just to eat a piece*

Dad laughed again and put a piece in his mouth.

Dad: "Oh, it's edible!"

Me: *sad looking* "I guess so... *walked back to the kitchen to clean up.

5 minutes later he came to the kitchen and showed me an empty plate.

Dad: "I finish them all!" *grin* "Not so bad, still chewable for me." *says a man who wears fake teeth*

I couldnt stop grinning. I knew it tasted like crap, but he ate it anyway *cry*

Thanks Dad!! I know I can always count on you even in trying out my crappy food!!

Promise I'll make you a decent looking and still edible Kimbab next time.

Love love love!!! ❤❤❤

let me

I have an early flight to catch tomorrow morning, so by calculation I have to leave the house at 6:00am by the latest. I've always planned to take a taxi to the airport considering it's quite far and my Dad would be tired with the long drive to and back from the airport.

So as I was preparing to go to work this morning my Dad asked me what time is my flight. I told him the details and he offered: "Let me just drive you there." I quickly retorted: "No need, I'll just take a taxi, the firm will pay for it anyway. It's too long a drive for you. I'm fine with taxi." As I was entering the bedroom I happened to glance at him and saw his disappointed face.

I can't seem to get rid of his expression from my mind as I was changing. I remembered that I felt the same once. When my dad returned from a trip I told him that I wanted to pick him up from the airport, but he refused, and told me the same reason that I told him. I could still feel my disappointment. I thought that "I just wanna do something for you once." But somehow I felt that his disappointment is much greater than mine. We live for each other now, while I still can do so much for him, there's isn't as much that I need him to do for me anymore. I know that he still want to feel needed. That's he still can do something for me. And driving me to the airport is something that he surely can do for me.

So I quickly made a decision, when I got out from the bedroom I told him: "Second thought Dad, yeah you could drive me to the airport tomorrow, it's not so easy to find a taxi so early in the morning anyway." He smiled widely and said: "I told you so! And I always woke up earlier than you everyday!" Even when I got home from works and was doing my final packing he kept smiling and told me to finish soon and go to bed. That I need more sleep.

I'm happy that I make him happy. Maybe this is not a big thing for me but it's a big thing for him. And I want to let him do everything that he wants to do for me now. I want to let him feel needed. I want to let him feel that he's important for me. And as I will also let myself pour my tender loving care to him, I will let him do the same for me. Isn't that what a family should be?

Oh, and Dad, I need another favor! Can you help me dry my laundry in the washing machine when you get back home tomorrow? :D

presence

It's day 7 of being home alone. And another 6 days to go. And somehow it doesn't feel so good.

Not that I'm not used being alone, in fact I am so used to it. But ever since my mom passed away, I've always had my father around, well there's only the 2 of us at home anyway. He traveled a few times, but never more than 5 days, 6 day tops. This is like the longest time he left me by myself. Heck, I'm an adult, there shouldn't be an issue being home all alone! I think most people will be happy, another reason to come home late :D

But lately I feel that a presence of another person feels so much better. I don't talk much with my dad, when I got home we usually just said hi and if there's something to tell each other, then we tell. Once or twice we had dinner together at home (when I can leave the office early & no traffic jam on the way home), I bought him food that he likes. But even when we don't interact much, I know he's there. I feel his presence.

The sound of tv in the living room makes me feel his presence.
The sound of his steps passing my bedroom makes me feel his presence.
The sound of the door keys in the morning makes me feel his presence.
Now even when he's not home, I can feel his presence.
And I start to appreciate it. That's the difference between the dead and the living.

I still have some of the things that she left behind. And her pictures are all around the house. But I don't feel her presence anymore. I could still memorize her laugh, I could still remember the smell of her perfume. I could still picture her frown when she disagree with me. But she's no longer there.

So for how long can I still feel my dad's presence, only God knows. I just want to cherish every moment while I'm still with him right now. But even when he's gone, I hope I can find another presence to feel when I'm home. And keep me away from my loneliness.

The Date

Today, October 29 2009, is my father's 71st birthday. But more than that, the date holds much more meanings for him. He always had mixed feelings about his birthday, and it always made me confuse how to react too. But back when mom was still around, it's much happier for him and much easier for us to be happy for him too. Despite his request not to celebrate, he couldn't say no to my mom since it's also their wedding anniversary. Here's what happened on his birthday in the past:

1. The day his father passed away. I always forgot the year but always remember the story. He brought hom some food to celebrate with his parents & siblings, but found out that my grandfather already passed away while reading the newspaper.
2. But then my mom decided October 29 1974 as their wedding day to erase the sadness of the memory of losing my grandfather.
3. October 29 2007, my father obtained his 8th Dan (level) in Karate. He was ecstatic for his achievement at his age. But then when he came home my mother announced to the whole family (after her last visit to the doctor) that the doctor said she didn't have to come to see him anymore. That she should spend her last moments with family, and pray for the best. I couldn't stand to see his eyes. He tried to be strong for her cause she didn't cry, but I know deep inside it crushed him. There was no celebration that year.

Last year was his 70th birthday and also his first birthday & anniversary without his soulmate. He looked so sad but I went ahead with a lunch celebration with family & friends. I didn't regret it, seeing the smile on his face, hearing his laughter when we brought him cake & singing him the birthday song, that's probably the best thing that happened to me last year. Cause at that time I could see, that he's happy and he forgot all the misfortunes in the past on his birthday.

And today, we'll be cutting the birthday cake at the hospital. His younger brother has been in a coma since last Saturday for an internal bleeding on his brain. So many people called him at home early this morning. When I'm leaving for work he told me: "I'm a bit anxious. There were so many things happened on my birthday in the past years... I hope he's not gone on this day too." I couldn't seem to find the right words to console him but I could only tell him not to think of the bad things all the time. Let's just pray & hope for the best.

Today I'm so thankful to God that I'm granted another year with my father. I don't know how many more birthdays we'll be able to celebrate, but today, I'm going to make it another day that can make him happy. And I pray that everyday is also a happy day for him as it is for me, to have him stand by me until this moment.

Happy 71st birthday Pops! I love you and God bless you!