This Christmas

Christmas is only 2 days away and as it's getting nearer I only feel lonelier. Aa tradition, ever since I was born Christmas and New Year is the time to spend with family. I had never had to plan anything or even wanted to cause I knew I had mu family to spend it together with.

After Mom passed away it's always time to spend with Dad. Planning what to eat during the holiday, who's taking Dad to church, carefully making plans to meet up with friends so I wouldn't have to leave home everyday. He would get lonely.

This Christmas I'm not part of the church's Christmas committee. I have more time to spend but no Mom or Dad to take care of. I even find it hard to make plans on how to spend the holiday. Nothing feels right, everything feels out of place. I'll gp to church with my brother and sister and law, but no longer holding Dad's hands. No longer wondering where to take him ro dinner. It's the loneliest day in the 7 months since he'd gone.

But I'm still blessed tremendously. There are a lot of people who cares and understand. I dont't need pity, I just need someone to drop a message every once in awhile and wish me a good day. I'm not lonely all the time, I just need someone to call and say hi and ask me how I'm doing. And this Christmas I am even more grateful to have those lovely people - friends, family, extended family - to stand by me and hold my hands even when they don't have many to say.

I may be lonely tonight, but tomorrow I will be happy and my heart filled with joy and peace from up above. And it will be a wonderful Christmas once again. Like it always was.

1 Month

God is good. God is really really good. God is great.

My mom's passing 9 years ago was traumatic for me. For several years, I couldn't close my eyes and remember her happy healthy self. I was with her through her battle with cervix cancer for 2 years, I watched how it took away everything good from her, and yet when the time came for her... I wasn't there beside her. I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital. But you know what? She left while being sung with worship by her church friends. She left peacefully though I didn't see it. I still believe that God was holding her hand.

She left me a message though my cousins and aunts, something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do: to take care of my little brother and Dad, cause she believed I was the only one who could do that for her. I made a promise to her in front of her coffin that I would try to do my best.

Exactly one month ago, my Dad also left us all to return to our Heavenly Father. Yes, I cried a lot of tears but I also laughed just as much. God gifted me a great present, the thing that I remember most about the morning I saw him last being alive was his smile as I said goodbye to leave for work. A few hours latter the phone call came, my hand shook, my head said impossible - he was okay this morning.

One month back... I was given a chance to create more happy memories with him. I took him to the doctor and hospital, something that I hadn't been able to do. He was always scheduled on weekdays, but that one time somehow I was spared a weekend. And an extra Monday night to pick him up after an MRI then to have dinner with him and my sister in law.

I was actually had a tiring week, but something told me that I just had to go that Saturday. Then most of the time I just felt like buying food that he liked, but somehow he lost his appetite. 3 days before he went, I brought some cookies that I bought from a friend. He loved them!! He said he couldn't stop eating those, tasted so good... I was happy and we chatted in the living room for a bit. He made a joke on the brand, I was lying on my stomach in the sofa bed just listening to him.

I was struggling with something for months, I kept praying to God to give me answer. Even after my dad was settled into a coffin in the funeral home, it still felt like a dream to me. When I walked away for a moment I prayed to God: "This wasn't the answer that I expected from you, Lord. Why did you do this to me." And God never waited for long to give an answer. My cousin who worked out of town happened to be in Jakarta. When he held me in his arms he said: "Your job's done. Well done." I felt like being slapped so hard on my face, yet I still didn't understand fully what that meant.

On the second night, my brother and sister in law asked to talk to me in my bedroom. They told me that dad was concerned about me, he talked to them about how lonely I would be when he's gone, what would I do by myself... Then my brother told me: "Remember when mom died you promised her to take good care of me and dad? Well, you've done it! It's over now, it's time for us (he and his wife) to take care of you! I promised dad that you won't be alone, you have us. And it's my turn to be there for you."

I was speechless. Not about what he said. But the revelation of God's plan in our life. I could hear HIM clearly: It's not about answering your prayer. It's about MY time. And it's MY time for your dad to be with ME. Your job's done, now it's MY turn and YOUR time to live your life for yourself.

God is good. God is really really good. God is great.

And the past month I've been grateful, of how much fun Dad had shared with us. Looking at his pictures, even though I'm sad, I can also smile remembering the past 9 years I spent with him. My sister in law told me that when I took him to the cardiologist last month he was very happy. I was just waiting (and trying to sleep) at the reception room, but he told the nurses inside: "Look, my daughter has driven me here! She can't do it usually cause she has to work, but today she comes with me! That's her sitting there!" I can't ask for something better that those words.

It's only been a month... but I know I'm going to be alright. I spent more time with my brother and sister in law... laughing together, reminiscing about him together. Even though there's also a lot of things to get used to without him, I'm learning to live for myself.

In the end, God is good. God is really really good. God is great for me.

Connect and Re-connect

8 months into 2016... I do feel that time surely flies in a blink of an eye... in only 8 months so many things had happened but one most important thing that I learned is to connect and reconnect.

I tried to spend more time with my family, both immediate and extended. Timewise, I have to admit it's really not easy to do. Considering the highway, mrt, lrt and whatever constructions all over Jakarta, the time spent on the road is getting longer and longer. By the time I got home on weekdays, it's already 7 - 8pm and I felt exhausted. Weekend is spent doing laundry, cleaning up my room, and no matter how tired I am I determined to go to church with my Dad on Sunday morning for the 7am service then went to buy lunch with him. Once in a while we also had lunch together, sometime just the two of us, or if time permits with my Bro and Sis in law.

One thing that I also noticed is my Dad felt lonely if I spent a lot of time outside home. Since my Bro and Sis in law started their own business, my Dad spent all day at home by himself including on weekend. Even though I just stayed in my room reading or watching, I saw that he felt better having someone at home. If I went out for 2 weekends in a row, the next weekend he would asked me: "What have you been doing? Why are you so busy? Are you going again today?". You know, I always told him where I was going, but his medical condition made him forget. So I explained again... and sometime, I cancelled my plan and just stayed at home. That's when I realized that I have been given such a great opportunity to take care of him when many times I heard about lonely parents who live alone without seeing their children for a long time. I am blessed.

I went out with my cousins, met up with some uncle and aunts, sent messages to those whom I haven't seen or heard from in awhile. To be honest, I used to think spending time with them to be such a chore. But it really amazed me that this time, somehow, as our relationship grew tighter I also felt stronger. Like I have people who cared about me behind my back to support me and pray for me. And I hope that's how they feel too. As lately, so many things good or bad are happening to our family in and outside Jakarta, but somehow there was always a way for us to be connected one way or another, to keep updated with how each other's doing. God's restoring our family's relationship and there's still more that He wants to do with us. I'm expecting.

As for friends... I have to let some go, but gain new ones... After not meeting for a long time, a friend told me during our dinner: "You know, I read that we have lesser friends as we get older. We just don't have the time and patience to build new relationships, it's already hard to maintain old ones." At first I agreed. As time went by, it dawned on me that as I grew older, I also grew impatient and unable to tolerate bullshits. I'd rather have friends who can't promise when to meet but actually have time to keep in touch or just say hi over the phone, than friends who keep saying we should do things together but in the end don't even have time to ask me how I'm doing while they're busy posting stuff of them having fun in SNS.

Being stuck in traffic in the morning or after office hour also became an important moment for me to re-connect. I put on my hands-free and make some calls. There is one dear friend whom I cannot meet at church regularly anymore since we have different service to attend. She spent all day taking care of her mother so it's also not easy to find time to meet outside church. Mornings are to call her or others whom I know are not having regular office work. Evenings to night are for those who's only available after work. My mobile phone bill is rising definitely (though not significantly), but it's money worth spending for.

When I was going through a hard time a few months ago, I didn't tell many people. I posted a thank you post in my FB though but some people surprised me by sending messages to ask what happened and how I coped up with it. And those were people whom I didn't expect to actually care. And just like that, we re-connected and kept in touch. It all started from a simple "Hi, how are you?"

In the end, time is the most valuable thing that we can give to our loved ones. Make an effort to pick up your phone to call or just send a message. You will never know when someone is in need of a person to talk to. Make sure to put down your phone and ignore your SNS for an hour or so when the other person is talking. This year is full of blessings to connect and re-connect for me. And I want to keep it going. Maybe you should too.

Oh yes, here's some moments with my loved ones!! There's a lot more but I haven't backed them up to my computer hahaha These will do :)

160626 Family from Sacramento, before they fly back home. Miss them already!

160707 Bro's birthday and Lebaran holiday lunch w/ Dad... at the Mall!!

160730 Sending off our cousin to University in Semarang and celebrating our birthday.

Our (mid)Night Adventure!

It's Monday again! And back with bad flu and dizzy head T___T

Anyway, we had a long weekend last week and before the holiday arrived I decided to satisfy my curiosity to visit the 'it' Mall at BSD (AEON, what else? LOL) and the biggest Book Fair I have ever attended - the Big Bad Wolf, not far from the Mall. After a lot of consideration, whom else can I ask to go but my other 'bookworm' buddy - Ira :) We both agreed that night time might be ideal, since the next day was a holiday, probably most people are traveling with their family and so on... we heard and saw FB posts already of how long the queue was at noon. But apparently we were completely wrong.

So on Thursday, May 5, we left my house around 6-30pm and headed to AEON Mall. We got there as scheduled, around 8pm after a long traffic jam just about 2km away, then another 15 mins looking for a parking lot. But still good... We got it and headed to the basement. We were surprised to see the crowd but we couldn't resist to NOT purchase anything from the bakery!! Everything looked yummy but we settled on walnut chocolate breads, chocolate muffins and green tea muffins. We looked around, spent some times at Daiso, coffee... then we decided to leave just when the mall was about to close down at 10pm. What do you know, we had to spend another 45 mins just to get out of the Mall!! From the parking lot at the roof to the main road!!

Oh, and my impression of the Mall? Other than the many Japanese restaurants inside the mall I didn't think it was so special. But I'd love to return to try out some restaurants! Maybe next time on another holiday if I'm in the mood hahaha or better, if someone else drives! :p Really, google maps says it's almost 30km away from home and it took me almost 1.5 hours already on a holiday night! I can't imagine on a normal weekend just how bad the traffic will be.

Move on... So when we finally reached ICE where the BBW was held, again we had to spend some time looking for a parking space. I tried to be patient and drove super slowly, following people who's about to get out of the hall... and lucky! We got a space not too far from the entrance. We were excited and a bit overwhelmed at the crowd though it's already 11.30pm. And once we got in... I got dizzy! Hahaha

First, it was crowded. 

Second, it was messy. There was a sign clearly said to put the books back where it belong but noooooo people just put it anywhere they liked it!

Third, it was crowded and messy but still so many strollers with sleeping babies and children inside and in between rows, making it hard for people to get through :(

I almost went out again if not because it was such a pain to get there, then shouldn't I at least get a book or two? So Ira and I went separate ways... I browsed quickly and found about 2 or 3 books I was interested in. Actually more, but I had no more space to keep them unless I get rid what I had currently at home LOL

The OCPD in me was so bothered by the mess that everytime I stopped to look at a book, I also spent time to stack everything back according the titles hahaha I knew that I looked like a weirdo and some people just watched me like I was nuts. But hey, I would go nuts if I saw the mess and didn't do anything about it! >_<  There was also a sign that said not to open the books' wrap and boxes (for some educational hard covers) but nooooooo this man in front of me just took one box, ripped it open, took out the book, ripped open the plastic wrap, opened the book and threw it back to the pile, right in front of me!!! I tried to hold it in and didn't say anything... I was furious and if not because I was getting really tired and the crowd I might've chased after him and gave him some words!

Then I thought let's pay and end it. That's when I realized that the people right next to me was actually queuing for the cashiers. I looked around and saw super long lines at every rows... I moved to check how many cashiers were available. There were 30 and actually people could stand in line for 1 hour just to pay! I wasn't surprised when I saw just how many books each people were buying. Almost everyone bought like a trolley, that's when I decided to throw the white towel. No way I'd queue for an hour for 3 books. Ira and I agreed to call it a day and headed out.

We saw a lady with like a few trolleys of purchase waiting for her car... Surprisingly, we still saw a lot of people who just arrived and again, with strollers -- sleeping babies and all. I wasn't against taking your children with you if you don't have nannies or helpers at home, but maybe you should take turns with your partners to look out for them OUTSIDE the hall instead. There were empty crates on the sides inside the hall, clearly they were filled with books and I could feel the dust in the air. My allergy was even starting to come out, one of the reasons I got out quickly. Really bad for babies to be inside :(

It was already 1AM by the time we got out of the hall. We regretted for not buying anything, but at least we knew what to do the next time BBW (hopefully) returns. Get rid of the old books first to save some space and come with more people so even if we have to queue, we queue for lots of books instead of 3 ROFL

Oh well... it was a nice little adventure and I won't mind to do it again :D But first, I better finish reading those books still in their wraps sitting nicely in my shelf. Yikes!

Love Is All Around

Last week I had to go through a long 3 days trip... Only 3 days but indeed felt like more than that since I wasn't going for just some fun. 

My plan was:

Day 1: Arrive, 2 appointments, rest, nice dinner

Day 2: Visit the zoo, nice lunch, nice dinner

Day 3: Shopping, more fun, nice lunch, fly home

I was stressed out for so many reasons even before I went and in the end nothing went as planned. I was so exhausted on the 1st day and had to take it easy for the next 2 days. But guess what? I have never felt so loved like I did then.

Whenever I felt lonely and down, there were always messages came to my phone whether to make me laugh, gave me encouragement, and even made me bawled my eyes out for the kind words and prayers shared. I was blessed. I AM blessed in so many ways. I experienced God's grace in unexpected ways.

I know it's not enough but I still want to thank...

YOU, for the FB messages and prayers before I left and after I returned... You don't have to be there to show me that you care... your prayers are more than enough buddy!!

YOU, for the nice dinner and shared gelato at night, for being my Momma for a night, for the encouragement and prayers, for the advises. I'm looking forward to share some alcohol in the next visit, still can't get over that green bottle! LOL God is working right now for you as well :)

YOU, for taking a day off just to make sure I wasn't lonely, gave me tons of laughter and kept reminding me to stop touching my boob even when it's itchy (Yikes!), for being my porter and carrying my shopping bags (I know those bottles weren't light!), for the wonderful lunch and bittersweet dessert... As promised, the next time you're home I'll pick you up and drive you back home :p Oh, unless we can get a handsome Uber driver like that one who took me to the airport?

YOU, for remembering my appointments and sent me whatsapp messages to lift my mood, for checking up on my conditions every single day and most importantly for the prayers that kept me holding onto God's promises and believing in HIM every step of the way. And now, for making sure that I eat healthily hahaha Veggies! Fruits! Yeah! *cry*

YOU, for making sure that I covered my bandage well and not got it wet... Yes, I knew there's a hole. Yes, you frightened me with those stories of holes went rotten and stuff. You're the one who didn't stop messaging but then telling me you need to sleep (as if I don't?). But I know I can count on you when I need some reality check ;)

YOU, YOU and YOU... Every single one of YOU who thought of me, prayed for me and spent time to send me endless messages and questions and advises and laughter, every single time when I least expected them. 

I received a good result but there's still some follow up in the next 6 months... I hope that it'll be a better visit, more fun, more good food and definitely stress free :D

No matter how hard were my days, God is watching over me through all of you. I feel the love. And the love is all around me. Bless you!!!