presence

It's day 7 of being home alone. And another 6 days to go. And somehow it doesn't feel so good.

Not that I'm not used being alone, in fact I am so used to it. But ever since my mom passed away, I've always had my father around, well there's only the 2 of us at home anyway. He traveled a few times, but never more than 5 days, 6 day tops. This is like the longest time he left me by myself. Heck, I'm an adult, there shouldn't be an issue being home all alone! I think most people will be happy, another reason to come home late :D

But lately I feel that a presence of another person feels so much better. I don't talk much with my dad, when I got home we usually just said hi and if there's something to tell each other, then we tell. Once or twice we had dinner together at home (when I can leave the office early & no traffic jam on the way home), I bought him food that he likes. But even when we don't interact much, I know he's there. I feel his presence.

The sound of tv in the living room makes me feel his presence.
The sound of his steps passing my bedroom makes me feel his presence.
The sound of the door keys in the morning makes me feel his presence.
Now even when he's not home, I can feel his presence.
And I start to appreciate it. That's the difference between the dead and the living.

I still have some of the things that she left behind. And her pictures are all around the house. But I don't feel her presence anymore. I could still memorize her laugh, I could still remember the smell of her perfume. I could still picture her frown when she disagree with me. But she's no longer there.

So for how long can I still feel my dad's presence, only God knows. I just want to cherish every moment while I'm still with him right now. But even when he's gone, I hope I can find another presence to feel when I'm home. And keep me away from my loneliness.

sister

Today is the 27th birthday of my little cousin, Sarah. And she's a very special person for me. Our age is 8 years apart, with me being the older one. When she was small, I didn't like playing with her because I think she was just a "baby" and I spent most of my teenage period following her oldest brother around like a chick :D

I didn't remember exactly when we were growing closer with each other. It must be when she started college. She took Japanese literature and by that time I was already crazy about those Japanese stuff and sometime ask her to romanize a Japanese song that I like. Then she started to work and I sometimes asked for her help on a project. She also never hesitated to call me if she encountered something new that she thought I could help her with. One that that I really like about her is her determination and her eagerness to learn. When she found out something that she's not familiar with, instead of avoiding it she tried to learn about it. And she's also a fast learner.

But the one thing that drew me to her was that because she is a good listener. She never minded my rambling about works, family, my new fave singers or even nothing for the sake that I needed to say something! She listened. So as I struggled to balance between taking care of my mom, works & the ministry, she's been there the whole time. When I cried over an argument with my boss, she's also there to listen to my whining. When I was hospitalized she stayed at the hospital to take care of me even though she still had to go to work in the morning. When she was sick, I cried the whole night on my bed even though she didn't know it. We traveled together and remembered each other wherever we go. She's my comrade, (one of) my closest friend and the sister that I never had.

So on this special day, I want her to know that I really appreciate her existence in this world. That I am thankful and proud to have a sister like her. I wish her a long life, health, abundant blessings and especially heavenly wisdom to face come what may. May all her dreams come true according to HIS grace & mercy (including the one specific pray for me hehe). And as I always tell her unashamedly and as often as I could: "I LOVE YOU!!" Happy birthday, and I hope today is blast for you!!!

wiper

I know that my car is old. But I never felt that it's ANCIENT until last night. As we finished our weekly intercession at church last night, it was raining and a friend of mine didn't drive so I offered to take her home, I'd have to pass her house anyway. She brought her 5.5 year old son along with him. The little boy was curious about everything and while I was chatting with his mother he started asking question:

Sammy: "Tante Kristin, what is this?" (pointing at something)
Me: "Oh, this is to turn on the lamps."
Sammy: "And what is this?" (pointing at another thing)
Me: "Oh, that is to turn on the wiper... look here *click* it's on."
Sammy: "And how do you turn on the wiper in the back?"
Me: "Huh??? I don't think this car has it!"
Sammy: "But daddy's car has wiper in the back!! How come this one doesn't?"

My friend (Sammy's mom) and I laughed so hard and she told him: "Sammy, don't say something that will embarrass Tante Kristin! Daddy's car is a new car and this one is an old car, old car only has front wiper!" (their car is an Alphard). I could only say: "Yeah, sorry this old car doesn't have any wiper in the back!" But apparently that didn't stop him asking about things, which fortunately had nothing to do with the antiquity of my car.

When he hopped off the car he didn't forget to thank me for driving him home. While he was waving furiously at me as I drove away, I also didn't forget to tell him: "Hey Sammy, before you go to bed tonight please don't forget to pray to God to give me a car that has wiper in the back!" And he shout outloud: "OK!!"

After all, doesn't the Bible said that God listens to the prayer of a little kid. Who knows, maybe next year I'll be driving a car with wiper in the back. And if you read this and happens to have children, please ask them to pray for the same thing for me (^o^)

the meaning of life

Finally we entered the Year of 2010... I can't help but wondered how many more years will I have in this world. Could be not for long, but I really wish it's long enough for me to enjoy to the fullest. But I also hope I won't be there anymore when the earth ends its cycle... yeah, thanks to Global Warming hahaha

Last year's holiday wasn't long enough as I usually had it in the previous year, and compared to those other years it was an ordinary enough holidays. I didn't get to travel, only managed to get 2 days off (though fortunately Christmas & New Year fell on weekends) but I certainly enjoyed every second of it. Got to spend quality time with friends and families.

On the last day of a short trip with come close friends we went to a Dutch cemetery. Actually, it's a cemetery for Dutch & British soldiers who died in war in our country many years ago. Many are just the cross without a body buried underneath. It wasn't my first visit to the place but somehow this time it left a deep impression. When I looked at rows and rows of the ashes boxes. next to the small chapel... while reading the names and the birth & death dates, I wondered how they died. Was it instantaneously? Did they feel pain before they die? Did they have missing body parts? I couldn't help but wonder.

And of course looking at the white crosses across the green grass made me feel even sadder. Some of the crosses stated that the person died in a young age, not even 20. Maybe they died in war for something that did not believe in. Or maybe they really did die for their country. And yet the fact remain the same, they died for a reason. And for whatever reason it was, they died a hero. It is also a fact that wars are still going on in every part of the world. There will be more crosses without a body, more ashes to keep and more young lives wasted.

I'm already many years over 20... but sometimes I wonder if I really understand the meaning of life. It's one of my resolutions in entering the new year... to find more meaning of life. I'm probably not a soldier going to war, but I definitely have my own war. A war to succeed in works, a war to succeed in life. And I want to fight with faith and believe. That I'm trying my best and going all out in every battle so even when there's no tomb provided for me, somehow my life had become worth meaning. Happy New Year!!

Someone Might Remember

A little over lunchtime, and I had to go to a meeting. But just when I was about to step out of the building, it rained. So I took a taxi for the 500m ride. The ride only took less than 2 minutes.

I was singing a part of the Tohoshinki's Stand By U, just the part that I remembered when the driver asked me: "Ma'am, do you live in XXX area?" Since he mentioned the place where I live, I honestly answered: "Yes. But how do you know? Did you ever take me there before?" To which he gave out a little laugh & told me: "Because you're singing a Japanese song! And from all the people that I've had driven before, you're the only one who sang Japanese so I'd remember!"

For most people this is only a slightly funny experience. You laugh about it and then you forget about it. But for me, this is such a gentle reminder that every little action that you do, every words that you say, SOMEONE MIGHT REMEMBER. Maybe you think that you're doing something only for fun, or maybe you said some words just to lighten up the party without any intention to hurt. But SOMEONE MIGHT REMEMBER.

Another example for me, I was getting out of the church after a service and passing a granny who was walking with a crane. She was about to take the 3 little steps up to the foyer. As I was walking casually by, I stopped & reflexly held her arm so that she could take the steps more steadily. She thanked me, I gave her a smile and walked back out again. And I didn't remember this until long time later one member of the congregation came up to me and told me: "Hey, my mom said that you're a nice girl and that you've been kind to her. Thank you." I was confused because I didn't even know her mom. So I asked her who's her mom & what did I do, and she repeated the story that I just told you earlier. The granny's her mom. I didn't remember my action as something serious, but she's grateful for that little action.

And that's just one good example. What about the bad one? Ooooh, believe me, people remember more & better about bad things than the good ones!! ^^" A group of friends and I were talking & joking. As time went by, the joke became bolder and bolder until I told a friend: "Yeah, and your laugh is like a devil's laugh! You should check it out or you won't get into heaven!" Everyone laughed including that friend. But later on when we're setting up a committee for a program I was informed that she didn't want to work with me because she felt hurt with my joke. The joke was said like months ago!! BUT SHE REMEMBERED.

So next time I should think before I take actions, I should consider my words before I let them out. Because many times my little actions & words can change people's life or way of thinking. In everything I do or say SOMEONE MIGHT REMEMBER. And GOD REMEMBERS. I hope from today onwards there will be more good memories of me when people think of & remember me.