Back To The Future

Did you ever regret your past?

I'm lying if I say I didn't. But if I have the chance to be back to the past, I still want to be what I am today. Yes, there were things that I really thought shouldn't have happened or I shouldn't have had done, words that shouldn't have said, but I can proudly say that I'm stronger & wiser today for what has happened in the past.

There were regrets alright, a lot of what ifs & maybes... but I have learned to accept them as part of my "life education". Just like when you get a red mark in school (well OK, this is bad example as I know some people never get a red mark and always being the top of the class!), there were times you get a red mark in life. And it's now how you can erase the red mark with tip-ex or eraser, but how to make it blue or black in the next exam. You look at your mistakes, find out what's the right formula, and solve the next problem in the right way.

That's why even in my age today, there are still things that I want to do while I'm still able to do it... I believe in "better late than never" though it's even better to "do it before it's too late". I'm saving money to travel somewhere far, I'm thinking of taking a guitar lesson in September (since the music school is in the same building of the new office), I'm still keen on getting better with my Japanese (will have to continue the lesson next month), and I'm looking forward to the mission trip with the Youth Ministry in December. Oh, and I want to write more and compose more songs... something that I haven't done in the past few years...

Wow!! Isn't the future exciting?? Even though we still don't know what's in there and what's going to happen to us the next 1 hour... nevertheless I can't wait to see what's my future going to bring, and it depends on what I'm doing today! I just trust my life in my God's hand 100%... but the most important thing is, doing my best for HIM and HIM only. Here I come my future!!

Viva Life!!

I just turned 34 last week. Unlike last year, there’s no celebration or anything special. I’m still recovering from my surgery last month and also it fell on Monday, the 1^st day of the week that keeps everyone busy. I went to work as usual, received hundreds of well wishes in FB, some prayer through telephone calls and a bunch of SMS. The fact that I’m still breathing and in good condition is a celebration for me personally. Though one fact hasn’t changed… I’m still single ha3x

And yeah, of course, there were more wishes from the “elders” that I’d meet Mr. Right soon but honestly, I don’t really think about it anymore. Even if he doesn’t come along, I’ve come to a realization that some things are better off as it is, no need to rush it or dwell on the facts that I’m still single too much. Ignore whatever other people said. In the end it’s my life. And I still have many things I want to do, I want to go places, and I want to challenge myself to be MORE in every single thing that I do. And those are the kind of things that (I was told) I can only do while I’m single.

So here I am, celebrating life and all its ups & downs… I may be one year older, but that means I’m also given longer time to enjoy the ride on life’s roller coaster!! I’m blessed!!

To Live Your Own Life

I guess MJ's death yesterday was really a big news all over the world. I don't want to have a long discussion about his death, I guess I've had enough. But what interest me to talk about this is that some hardcore fans seemed to deny the fact the he had passed away. Dead. No longer in this world. They seemed to believe that he is immortal. Which, immortality is a non-existance in this life. No matter how you want to stay young and used the most expensive anti-aging products or plastic surgery, you can't deny the fact that your life is one day will be over.

The irony of his death was that he had all the wealth in the world but still he was living a life that he couldn't enjoy. Where he couldn't call his life his own anymore. He lived under the prying gaze of millions of people who called themselves his fans and the media, and he was expected to live up to their expectations. To be the perfect, immortal star.

Fame and wealth can be cruel. Fandom can be dangerous.

Jung Yunho, leader of one of my fave boybands - TVfXQ was once rushed to the hospital because and anti-fan sneaked into the dressing room & put power glue in the water bottle that he drank. And not just that, the boys are stalked whenever they returned to their home country. And they're just one boyband while there are hundred of others. Sadly, they do what what they do today because it's their passion. They're now more than just pretty faces & killer bodies, surprisingly they do have talents. And very good at it. If they don't do what they do today, what else can they be? A regular salaray-man like you and me? Or running their own busineess?

I love singing. And there was a moment in my life when I want to be a singer if given the opportunity. But life had a different plan laid out for me. Still, there's a longing inside my heart for this dream coming untrue. Now I have to satisfy myself with singing in church (which is the greatest opportunity to serve my Father & Lord) and an occasional karaoke session with some friends. Somehow this make me understand why they do what they do today. It's more than just fame or money, it's about living your life according to your passion and the success is just a bonus.

So what kind of fan do you want to be? Do you want to be a stalker fan or obsessive fan? Or do you want to be a loyal fan who buys their records, go to their concerts and smile when you coma across a picture of them holding hands with some girls or fellow celebrities? After all they're only human. They have feelings & desires. And they want to start a family. What is so wrong about it? Besides, to have a family of our own is the very basic core of life.

It's okay to ask for an autograph or a picture together. But let's grow up and let them live their own life. After all, they have given up 80% of their lives for you... for me... for us... let them enjoy the 20% on their own.

It's Over When It's Over

Today is my 1st day back in the office after the surgery. I’ve been busy replying messages and the well wishes sent through SMS or Facebook for the first few days back home but now it’s time to get back to the real world. I couldn’t be more thankful for having so many people care about me. My whole family was outside the surgery room from 12pm (when they wheeled me in) until 6:30pm (when they brought me back to my room), my dad didn't even want to have lunch even though my aunt had bought him one. My baby cousin stayed with me in the hospital room for 3 nights attending to my every needs. She didn't hear her mobile phone alarm ringing 3 sets in a row but she woke up whenever I called her when I needed to get off the bed and went to the toilet or just to grab anything I asked of her, amazing!! And she had to go to work in the morning too... I love you so much lil' sista!! *muach 100x*

The surgery was a success even though the result was a bit off than expected. It started at 1:00pm on June 13 and finished at 4:00pm. Apparently there were cysts in both my left & right ovary. The one in the left was what the doctor found earlier through USG. Even though the USG only showed it medium in size (around 3.9 x 3.4cm) the real thing was actually much bigger (8 x 4.5 x 2.5cm) and it was stuck to the left ovary. The doctor has no choice but to take the left ovary along with the cyst. But the surgery team managed to take the cyst in the right as it wasn’t as big (3 x 2.5cm) without removing the right ovary. Other than that 2 uterus fibroid were also taken from my uterus… small & black like stones my aunt said.

Funny thing was, nobody told me about the removal of my left ovary until the next day. I was chatting with my little cousin about the surgery and I kinda told her: “So I heard the left cyst was very big? Did you see it?” She said: “Yeah, I was told by our aunt that it’s pretty big the team even had to remove your left ovary along with it!” I didn’t think that I was shocked or something, but I remember there was a pause before I asked her casually: “So they did remove left ovary? Really?” Suddenly she fell silent and quickly retorted: “Errrrr, I’m not so clear… maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’ll have to check it with our aunt who spoke with the doctors!” I knew it’s real right there and then. My aunt still didn’t say anything until the day I check-out from the hospital. She explained everything to me carefully but I didn’t feel sad or anything. I’m just disappointed that they didn’t think I’m strong enough to take the news. I’d rather have them tell me directly rather than made me wonder for 3 days.

2 days ago was my 1st consultation post surgery. I got to see the 20cm long incision in my lower abdomen. And again I’m so thankful for God’s help and grace throughout the whole process. There were times when I felt so lonely & almost depressed, but everytime I opened the Bible, HE always gave me the answer that I was looking for and then I could be at ease again.

So here I am again… facing my pc monitor and ready to sort out my piling-up works… The hardest time isn’t over, but I’ll get through it one day at a time.

soulmate

Did you ever have anybody of the opposite gender that you can call “soulmate” even though you’re not in a relationship?

I did, long time ago. He was supposed to be 1 year my senior in high school, but he moved to another city when I got in. I didn’t meet him until like a year later, we were in the same club… I didn’t think that there’s anything special between us when we first met. He didn’t talk much, and I thought that he didn’t like me too since I was a talkative person. He was a mysterious guy.

Then at one point we got to spend a few hours together. I don’t remember anymore what we were talking about during that few hours… but it started there. Letters were sent every week… once I received I replied the next day and vice versa. We could feel it when something went wrong with each other. And the funny thing was, in the rare moments we got to spend a couple of times in a year, we rarely speak. We shared everything through letters, hundreds of them exchanged between us!

There was once when I wanted to give him a surprise visit on my holidays. I didn’t tell him anything, I just packed my suitcase and took a train to the city he lived in. When I got to his house, I met his grandmother who was so surprised to see me by the door and claimed: “You can’t be here!! He’s on the way to Jakarta to surprise you!!” That was like the only time that our frequency didn’t match! I cried so hard the whole day cause I felt like I missed him too much. But I also can’t go back to Jakarta right away, cause after visiting him I planned to go visit my uncle in Semarang. The rest of the holiday was a misery for both of us.

From all the birthday presents that I ever received, his was the one that I treasured most. It’s proudly hanging in my bedroom. I was already in college at that time, we hardly kept in touch. But when he’s back in Jakarta we managed to meet after my birthday. When we met, he silently gave me this square and thick stuff, wrapped in a flowery gift paper. When I opened it, I saw myself stared back at me in pencil. He drew me from a picture that I didn’t even remember he had. I cried.

Years passed by… somewhere along the way we lost in touch… There were a few times when he suddenly called and said hi… his numbers kept changing for many reasons, he even moved to Canada for a year. And you know what, I always dreamed of him before he calls came. Losing him hurts so much more than the worst break up I’ve been through. Every year, there’s always a day when I think of him and wondering how is he doing now. His last call came 3 years ago. It was awkward, there was silence hung between the lines for a few minutes. We didn’t say anything after the hello… I knew it was him right away. Then he said that he hoped I was fine and that he’ll call me again sometime. I said OK. We hung up. I cried again. No more call ever since, but deep down inside sometimes there’s a tingling that I can’t described when I think of him.

Even though the relationship was completely platonic… honestly, I don’t ever want to go through the same thing again. If I ever going to meet the one that I can call “soulmate” once again, then I want him to be the one that I will spend the rest of my life with. I want him to be that special someone just like I would be for him. I want to “feel” him with my soul just like he would “feel” me with his entire being. And that, my lovely friends… is something that I’m looking forward to find…

Today, I bid him farewell from my heart but not from my memories… I wish him well… and thank you for all those years that we were through.