day by day...

A Mother's Grief and A Wife's Prayer

2011-11-07T17:22:00.000+07:00

Yesterday, we just buried the body of a loved one. My cousin in law, Sahat Pramadana Sitorus, or we used to call him Bang Ato. His death was a shock to all of us when he heard the news yesterday morning. He just went to Surabaya – East Java to sing with the church choir he was a member of. He went to bed early because he felt cold but was found dead when his friends tried to wake him up for a late night snacks at midnight.

After my aunt called to inform the news, my cousin Refny – Bang Ato’s wife, called my mobile again. The first thing that she said was, “Bang Ato is no longer here.” I wanted to say something meaningful but all that’s came out of my mouth was, “Be strong. You have God on your side.” To which she replied to me, “Please come soon, I can be stronger when you’re all also here.”

And during these two days I have witnessed just how strong and faithful of a cousin that I had. Yes, she cried a lot, she lost a husband, someone that she vowed to be with for the rest of their lives, but it was cut short just a little bit after their 5^th anniversary. But she never left Jesus’ name from her mouth when she felt she couldn’t bear the grief anymore.

Bang Ato’s mother – we called her Inang, was even more devastated. Her husband died many years ago and as the oldest child Bang Ato had been taking care of her with love and patience. She said that he was a child who always listened to what his parents told him. She’s been sickly for a few years so she always thought that she was the one that would leave first instead of his beloved son.

There’s a quote that I remembered reading somewhere:

There’s a name for children who lost their parents.

There’s a name for a husband or a wife who lost their spouse.

But there’s no name for parents who lost their children because it’s too painful.

Children are supposed to live longer than their parents.

I was reminded of that quote when I saw her crying over his dead body. I was told that when Bang Ato’s body just arrived at the house, she fainted. And his two younger sisters were crying hysterically. My heart broke every time I saw her gently caressing Bang Ato’s face and holding his dead body. The body of someone that you gave birth to and nurtured for years, the one who was supposed to be by her side when her time to leave the world comes. I hope that her other children can overcome their grief and help Inang to overcome her sadness and loss.

Refny and Bang Ato got married 5 years ago, August 2006. I still remember it very clearly, they asked me to sing on their holy matrimony. So my cousin Sarah and I sang together at church. The song that they chose was titled “Semua Baik” or “All Is Good”. Here are part of the lyrics.

Dari semula t’lah Kau tetapkan

Hidupku dalam tanganMu, dalam rencanaMu Tuhan

From The Beginning You have decided

My life is in Your hand, in Your plan oh God

Rencana indah t’lah Kau siapkan

Bagi masa depanku yang penuh harapan

A beautiful plan You have prepared

For my future, full of hope

S’mua baik, s’mua baik

Apa yang t’lah Kau perbuat di dalam hidupku

All is good, all is good

What you have done in my life

S’mua baik, sungguh teramat baik

Kau jadikan hidupku berarti

All is good, all is very good

You have made my life meaningful

They were still trying to have a child when God called him back home. Though a lot of people pity her current situation right now, I believe that they have chosen that song in the beginning of their marriage because they believe that God knows better about their future. All is good.

They didn’t know each other for long before their wedding and she told me a lot of her struggle in the beginning of their marriage. Every single day, she prayed to God to give them wisdom to learn to love each other more and to surrender themselves in God’s capable hand. She prayed for him to grow into a husband who loves God more before his family and God had answered her prayers.

He wasn’t a man with many words but just before he left for his last trip he thanked her for being a wonderful wife, that he couldn’t think of what he might be become if he didn’t marry her. But most importantly, he told her that he loved God more than anything and promised to live according to His will each day. She only laughed at him at that moment, but I believe that it’s God’s way in telling her that her prayers had been answered. Holding on to God’s promise, she told me she knew that Bang Ato is already in God’s hand and she shouldn’t worry about her future.

Still, none of us could hold our tears from falling when her father put on the grieving veil on her. According to our tribe’s culture, it’s a mark of the changing of her status of being a widow. It pained me to hear the crying voices of our parents when they told her to be strong and let her know that we will support her as her family, that she could always turn to us whenever she feels weak. But maybe the words that really summed up what we wanted to convey to her came up from my other cousin and my uncle.

My cousin said:

You can cry to your heart’s content today, but remember that it will have to stop eventually for God doesn’t want you to grieve for a very long time.

My uncle said:

We put on this grieving veil on you to let you know that you’re always a part of us and you’ll be protected with us. You’re not alone and your family will always be here for you.

Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. (John 16:22)

She will feel the sadness for awhile but I really hope that she can see the goodness that God had done for her from the starting of her marriage until her husband’s death. And as her family, we will support her in everyway that we can. I hope that she will feel less lonely with us by her side and that she keeps serving God with her talents.

But most of all, we want her to know that God loves her. And we love her.

And like the song that they have chosen 5 years ago. ALL IS GOOD.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. (I Thessalonians 4:13)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Goodbye Bang Ato, you’ll always be remembered, we love you. Have fun in heaven!

The Sound of Music

2011-08-04T14:27:00.004+07:00

Recognize any of the name above? No? That's fine... cause from 10 friends that I asked, only 1 person recognized Paul Mauriat, and that's because he's playing sax and happened to listened to one of Paul's recording long time ago. But that's the kind of musicians that I grew up listening to. If you wanna know about Herbie Mann, Jethro Tull, Vicky Leandros, click on the names. I have provided the link.

I have to admit that I'm a little late in terms of being up to date to music. I didn't know who Duran Duran is until I was in High School in early 90's. I heard about Bon Jovi when un-original cassettes were being swiped from stores. At that time I went shopping with my mom and so many people were looking for their albums. I was so happy cause the classical rack was still full so I asked my mom to buy me some James Galway's cassettes instead.

I have to thank my Dad for the unusual musical taste though. He's the one who kept playing them non-stop, in the car and at home. Many times I felt annoyed, not because I didn't enjoy it but more because I'm a little bit ashamed if my friend happened to hear it... it's like: "What's that you're listening to? How old are you?" But then again, I may not be able to appreciate a wide range of music if not because of that habit that my Dad implanted in my young mind.

Looking at my singing hobby and my eagerness to learn to play instruments (a little guitar & drum), people often asked me if my parents are playing music or singing too. The answer is no. Not at all. I couldn't even stand listening to my mom's singing, she's so out of tune! LOL So I don't really know where did I & my brother (who played almost all instruments) get that from :D

Anyway... if there's anything other than books that I can't leave without, then it's music. I bring music everywhere I go. I'm glad that I can appreciate music well and it's all thanks to my Dad. Though even the musicians that I mentioned above have become LEGENDS, I'm still happy that I got to listen to them back then, cause it made me appreciate the current music more.

I'm Getting Through It

2011-07-29T16:11:00.004+07:00

Despite my tough appearance (according to many people, though I don't really think so), I'm actually such a cry baby. I can't watch a sad movie without crying like an heartbroken idiot -- thinking: 'what if it happens to me' or 'I wish it never happens to me'. I even cried while driving past an old man sitting by the pavement and looking so lonely -- thinking: 'does he have a family to take care of him' or 'I should talk to my father tonight so he won't get lonely'.

I cried a lot but I ever since Mom passed away I cried even more often and little things tugged at my heartstrings more easily. If I used to cry on my bed in the past, lately I cried more often in the car, while driving to or from work or just whenever I felt like it. So to prevent having such a moody feeling I tried to play cheerful and upbeat music. Still, there are times when everything was just not right... sentimental songs were playing through the radio... and unstoppable tears were just falling like rain.

Many times I asked myself whether I'm still not over the grieve from my Mom's death. But this person said in one of his twit: "YOU NEVER GET OVER GRIEF, YOU GET THROUGH IT." I'm relieved, cause I know that I'm not dwelling on the grief, I get on with my life, and it's okay for me to cry when I feel like it but never let the sad feelings bring me down... I'M GETTING THROUGH IT, and I'm living in remembrance of my Mom and the good and bad things that we went through.

Yeah... I'm sure there's a point in our life when we just feel everything is wrong... things are dragging us down.... but LIFE GOES ON... we shouldn't dwell on the past but to move on. And when you're unable to get over it, then get through it!

And here I'm sharing a picture taken at my cousin's wedding last May with Dad & Lil' Bro'. It's not easy to get a family photo like this, didn't even have one with Mom. So I treasure this and hope to take more while he's still with us.

Writing, A New Start

2011-07-12T18:17:00.005+07:00

I'm not the type of person who created "New Year's Resolution" every year. As cliche as it may sound, I just prayed that I become a better person each and every year. Why? Because I knew I wasn't good enough, I had never been perfect and I didn't try hard enough to be a better me.

Last year I added something else though. I wanted to write again. I prayed to God to let me write again. And it happened. And once I started... I couldn't stop. Ideas were flowing, inputs were received from so many people... I felt alive again. I felt like I'm back to being myself from many years ago.

Writing used to be my way to express myself and my feelings as far as I could remember. I used to be able to write whatever came up in my head... pondered over it, took a pen and a book, and started writing until it's gone from my head. Back in High School I won several poetry competitions for my school... If memory served, the best that I won was a silver medal for a province level competition. The theme was "Delinquency."

First, I didn't like the theme. Second, I had no idea what to say about delinquency. And to put it into a poem? Gaaahh! So I procrastinated... Other than myself there were another 2 people who represented my school. The other 2 submitted their writings to the school a week before the deadline, typed and printed into 3 copies as inquired. I submitted mine only 2 hours prior to the time the teacher should go to submit the materials to the committee. Hand written in 10 minutes, copied with carbon paper with smudges of black carbon all over the 2 copies. I grinned as I handed them out to the teacher and left home in a rush... so I could have enough time to shower and leave again to watch the school's theater's club's performance somewhere. Competition forgotten.

As soon as I arrived at the theater hall, my friend ran to me and congratulated me. I just asked dumbly, "What happened?" She told me excitedly, "You won!" I asked again idiotically, "What did I win?" She looked at me with impatience and told me about the competition result. One second later... "I won?" Two seconds... "I WON??" Three seconds, "I WON!! Really?? You're not lying to me, are you??" And we were jumping up and down in celebration, I was still in disbelief that I wrote something good enough to win it. Unfortunately, I didn't keep a copy of the poem since I wrote it instantaneously in front of the teachers' room :) But at least I had a happy memory of it when I opened my mom's drawer and found the appreciation letter and the announcement of my winning among the things that she treasured of her children. I thought: "Did I make you proud, Mom? Were you happy for me too?"

Back to what I actually wanted to convey in this post... I'm very happy to find a media in which I can express my self again in writing. Though I don't think I can let everyone know the media in which I started to pour out my passion once again, the response that I received in each post was overwhelming... Knowing that people from another countries actually got emotional over every chapter, it was such a privilege for me and inspired me to write more and better in every update. Eventually, once I started I could hardly stop. Just when I finished one, another idea came up...

But if you think that I wrote just because I wanted to... you're not completely wrong but it's also not correct. This time, I wrote with a mission. I read about so many heartaches and pains in this online community I frequent. When I prayed to God to let me write again, I asked HIM to give me ideas and let me know what I should write. After awhile, the comments and private messages that flowed my inbox were astounding. Many people shared their painful past and what they felt after reading what I wrote. As they poured out their hearts to me, I also opened up to them about my own experiences. Once again I found my happiness in being able to help others in a way that I could. To God Be The Glory!

About a month ago I was browsing through my mom's old files. Among them were a few books of her daily journal, up to the times when she just got sick. I was glad that I was alone at home, so I could cry my heart out reading some of her posts, finding out her heart and mind in there. Then I came across a book that I never saw before. It looked a bit older then the rest of the journals. Tell me how surprises I was to see that my mom was actually a writer herself! Half of the book was handwritten with her view of life, of family, of marriage... like those articles that I could find a magazine. Each word was meaningful and a picture of the past that shaped her. It was a great discovery for me! Writing was her legacy to me.

As I laid down on my bed at night after the discovery... I thought of how fortunate I have been. To be given another chance to continue doing what I should do... To start expressing myself again through the talent that God had blessed me with. But more than those, to be able to re-discover my inner self in a new point of view. Nothing's ever too late. You can always start anew. I have re-started one... and I will re-start more.

There were other things that I used to do in the past... creating things... And I know I can always start doing it again. All I have to do it just opening the drawers and take out the materials that somehow I still keep intact. Time is running... I don't want to waste another moment in vanity.

Unshakable Faith, Unconditional Love

2011-02-18T23:48:00.004+07:00

On the last day of 2010, I heard a news that one of the greatest man I've ever known has passed away. He's no celebrity nor someone with special ability. He's just an old man whose love of God still amazed me even today. No one who read this entry would know of him except for those who also attend my local church; and that's only if you've been part of the congregation at least since 5 years ago. And that man's name is PAK WITO.

Pak Wito is a face that I could remember ever since I have recollection of my attending church back in Sunday School. At that time, I remembered him as an old man who lived in church and cleaned up and practically took care of the day to day operational.

Years went by, I started to get involved in Teen Ministry. And I remembered him as someone who kept yelling at us when he thought that we were too noisy. His sour face was an eyesore to us teenagers who would shut our mouth when he passed by and complained behind his back. We didn't know that for him, our noise would disrupt people who wanted to pray.

I grew up and entered the Youth Ministry. Young and full of passion in serving the Lord, we created an event from time to time. Many times, leaving the church dirty after an event with the excuse of being tired; we said that Pak Wito was just too fussy for scolding us. Until one day I came early the day after an event and saw him cleaning our big church by himself! He didn't even ask for help, he just worked silently and diligently, making sure that each centimeter of the floor was shiny. We didn't know that for him it's not just a church. It's the place where God dwells. It's HIS house. And it's our responsibilty to keep it clean.

As I got older, he got weaker. He always had a frail and thin body, but it didn't stop him from attending all 3 services on Sunday and cleaning up in between. He knew each of the congregation member, he saw most of us growing up from babies to young people. He's proud when one of us became a father or a mother. And it must've hurt him too when some people left for silly reasons. Our pastor made him returned to his village when he got TBC. He had been asked to retire but he always refused. Saying that serving the Lord was his only reason to live. But one day... he really left.

After that he returned a couple of times when our church was in trouble and in need of people to take care of. He was much weaker and starting to lose his sight, but he told me that he couldn't stop thinking about the church. No matter how weak he was, he felt home when he's there.

Pak Wito had an unshakable faith. Even in his sickness he still believed that he worshiped a living God. That God had a plan for him and each of us. Whoever stayed the night in church would know this fact: every single day Pak Wito would wake everyone up at 5am to pray at the 2nd Floor. And even if he had to do it alone, he would. He didn't care if we're sleeping on the other side of the room, but once the clock strike 5, we would hear him pray by himself. Once he finished he wouldn't return to bed, instead he would start cleaning.

Pak Wito had an unconditional love for God. GOD would always comes first. No matter how tired he was, he wouldn't miss a single service on Sunday. And we had three -- 7am, 9.30am, and 6pm. I once asked him to rest when I saw that he's too exhausted in between service. He said that God would make him strong, he had no reason to miss a service just because he felt a little weak. It was his love of God that gave him strength to serve hrough our church for a couple of decades.

I heard that he died one day after Christmas, 26 December 2010. I knew that God love him so much, HE gave him a chance to celebrate HIS birth before HE called him home to be with HIM. One thing that I regret was that I never "really knew" him that well, despite knowing him for more that 2/3 part of my life. I didn't know at what age did he die or the exact way God had called him.

And one thing that I learned from him, that he had no regrets in his life. He had lived it to the fullest for God and God only. He never cared of what people would think of him, he only cared of how to give his best to his Lord. And I hope that that's the kind of life that I could also live. Pak Wito will always be missed and I hope that we also long to be faithful and honest in our ministry like he did.

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

PHILLIPIANS 3 :7-14, NKJV

Welcome Home!

2010-09-27T17:32:00.003+07:00

I'm glad I'll get to see my Dad again tonight after being home alone for 5 days!! ^_^ This time when he wasn't around, I happened to had not much activities or anything important to do... So most of the time I was home by myself watching DVD or reading.

I felt so lonely knowing that there's no one else at home. Lonely for getting into the house and say "I'm home" but hearing no reply. Lonely for not hearing his footsteps outside my bedroom at 5am in the morning. Lonely for eating "emergency food" for lunch (at home on weekend) and dinner (every night). So now I know it must be lonelier for him to be left alone in the house everyday when I'm at work. Now I understand why lately he asked a lot of questions and was so happy when I told him I had no plans to go out on weekends.

My Dad wakes up very early in the morning to get the car ready for me to go to work. He cooks my breakfast every morning too. Even if it's the same food everyday, I won't get bored since it's one of my fave world and I know it takes effort for him to do it for me. Whenever I call him in emergency (usually because the old car broke in the middle of nowhere), he'd change his clothes in an instant and take a taxi to wherever I am.

Whenever he's going for a trip, he will call me everyday to check if everything is alright. We go to church together every Sunday and sometimes on we'll go to a bookstore together after church... that's our valuable time together.

I hope his flight will land safely tonight. I can't wait to get home and see him again. And when I open the door, instead of saying "I'm home", I'd like to tell him outloud: "WELCOME HOME POPS!"

Love Me Today

2010-06-17T14:47:00.005+07:00

Another soul has left this world, I didn't know her but apparently she was one of our church's congegration. And I was told that she lived a lonely life. No husband, no children, all of her siblings had passed away except for her youngest one. And I wondered when did she hear that someone loved her for the last time. Could be before her husband died, or maybe somebody got the chance to tell her that lately. I have no idea.

I used to hate people who say "I LOVE YOU" easily. I though they were not sincere. I thought those words had become cheap. I thought that they didn't really mean it. But lately I've been the one saying I love you a lot. When I was away & missing my friends, I told them "I Love You" through SMS. When I was just lonely and someone was kind enough to chat with me through the messenger, I typed him/her "I Love You". And you know what? I meant every single "I Love You" that I said or wrote or typed.

It took me losing someone very important in my life to be able to say that from the heart. I was lucky I had the chance to tell her that before she was gone although she no longer be able to say that back to me. That's when I understood the meaning of "tomorrow might not come".

So my "I Love You" is not cheap. My "I Love You" is said, typed, written with a pain of not being able to say it enough and an understanding of I might not have the chance to say it again tomorrow. This song from NELSON is my inspiration to write this entry. And when I say it to you, I hope you can say it back to me, "I LOVE YOU".

Don't be afraid to say "I love you"
Take the moment and make it last
Cause if you don't tell them you love them
You might not get a second chance
So hear them saying...

Love me today, let my strength be your own
Love me today, cause tomorrow I'll be gone
When I feel it's time to go, I'll be on my way
So love me today...

(Love Me Today -- Nelson)

dreaming

2010-05-18T14:53:00.004+07:00

I once complained to my dear little cousin that I never once dreamed of my mother, no matter how much I missed her. Other people dreamed of her. My father dreamed of her. My brother dreamed of her. But not me. I wasn't with her on her last moment, so I wished at least I could talked to her in my dreamland... even if it's not real, I wanted to touch her "living self".

And I finally did last night. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't comprehend what just happened. I tried hard to remember my dream. Then suddenly it's rushing back to me... I felt her touch, I saw her smile... I was holding her hand as we travel together somewhere by bus (bus??? why not plane??? LOL), as the bus stopped in the middle of the journey I said to her: "Mom, could you just stay on the bus and not wandering around? We're almost there, probably about 4-5 hours more." She said ok and smiled to me. And the dream ended.

I don't want to start guessing what the dream meant. But I couldn't stop my tears from falling hard when it finally dawned on me that I just dreamed of her... finally! But the most important thing was that God has granted my wish. And I know that she's in peace with HIM up above. As my life will go on for God knows how much longer... in the end we'll be together when the time comes. But I will remember the smile that she gave in that dream... it told me that she loves me. As much as I love her. Though I wish I could say it to her eye to eye. I love you Mom.

let me

2010-04-19T23:18:00.004+07:00

I have an early flight to catch tomorrow morning, so by calculation I have to leave the house at 6:00am by the latest. I've always planned to take a taxi to the airport considering it's quite far and my Dad would be tired with the long drive to and back from the airport.

So as I was preparing to go to work this morning my Dad asked me what time is my flight. I told him the details and he offered: "Let me just drive you there." I quickly retorted: "No need, I'll just take a taxi, the firm will pay for it anyway. It's too long a drive for you. I'm fine with taxi." As I was entering the bedroom I happened to glance at him and saw his disappointed face.

I can't seem to get rid of his expression from my mind as I was changing. I remembered that I felt the same once. When my dad returned from a trip I told him that I wanted to pick him up from the airport, but he refused, and told me the same reason that I told him. I could still feel my disappointment. I thought that "I just wanna do something for you once." But somehow I felt that his disappointment is much greater than mine. We live for each other now, while I still can do so much for him, there's isn't as much that I need him to do for me anymore. I know that he still want to feel needed. That's he still can do something for me. And driving me to the airport is something that he surely can do for me.

So I quickly made a decision, when I got out from the bedroom I told him: "Second thought Dad, yeah you could drive me to the airport tomorrow, it's not so easy to find a taxi so early in the morning anyway." He smiled widely and said: "I told you so! And I always woke up earlier than you everyday!" Even when I got home from works and was doing my final packing he kept smiling and told me to finish soon and go to bed. That I need more sleep.

I'm happy that I make him happy. Maybe this is not a big thing for me but it's a big thing for him. And I want to let him do everything that he wants to do for me now. I want to let him feel needed. I want to let him feel that he's important for me. And as I will also let myself pour my tender loving care to him, I will let him do the same for me. Isn't that what a family should be?

Oh, and Dad, I need another favor! Can you help me dry my laundry in the washing machine when you get back home tomorrow? :D

presence

2010-03-01T16:06:00.005+07:00

It's day 7 of being home alone. And another 6 days to go. And somehow it doesn't feel so good.

Not that I'm not used being alone, in fact I am so used to it. But ever since my mom passed away, I've always had my father around, well there's only the 2 of us at home anyway. He traveled a few times, but never more than 5 days, 6 day tops. This is like the longest time he left me by myself. Heck, I'm an adult, there shouldn't be an issue being home all alone! I think most people will be happy, another reason to come home late :D

But lately I feel that a presence of another person feels so much better. I don't talk much with my dad, when I got home we usually just said hi and if there's something to tell each other, then we tell. Once or twice we had dinner together at home (when I can leave the office early & no traffic jam on the way home), I bought him food that he likes. But even when we don't interact much, I know he's there. I feel his presence.

The sound of tv in the living room makes me feel his presence.
The sound of his steps passing my bedroom makes me feel his presence.
The sound of the door keys in the morning makes me feel his presence.
Now even when he's not home, I can feel his presence.
And I start to appreciate it. That's the difference between the dead and the living.

I still have some of the things that she left behind. And her pictures are all around the house. But I don't feel her presence anymore. I could still memorize her laugh, I could still remember the smell of her perfume. I could still picture her frown when she disagree with me. But she's no longer there.

So for how long can I still feel my dad's presence, only God knows. I just want to cherish every moment while I'm still with him right now. But even when he's gone, I hope I can find another presence to feel when I'm home. And keep me away from my loneliness.

sister

2010-01-31T14:09:00.003+07:00

Today is the 27th birthday of my little cousin, Sarah. And she's a very special person for me. Our age is 8 years apart, with me being the older one. When she was small, I didn't like playing with her because I think she was just a "baby" and I spent most of my teenage period following her oldest brother around like a chick :D

I didn't remember exactly when we were growing closer with each other. It must be when she started college. She took Japanese literature and by that time I was already crazy about those Japanese stuff and sometime ask her to romanize a Japanese song that I like. Then she started to work and I sometimes asked for her help on a project. She also never hesitated to call me if she encountered something new that she thought I could help her with. One that that I really like about her is her determination and her eagerness to learn. When she found out something that she's not familiar with, instead of avoiding it she tried to learn about it. And she's also a fast learner.

But the one thing that drew me to her was that because she is a good listener. She never minded my rambling about works, family, my new fave singers or even nothing for the sake that I needed to say something! She listened. So as I struggled to balance between taking care of my mom, works & the ministry, she's been there the whole time. When I cried over an argument with my boss, she's also there to listen to my whining. When I was hospitalized she stayed at the hospital to take care of me even though she still had to go to work in the morning. When she was sick, I cried the whole night on my bed even though she didn't know it. We traveled together and remembered each other wherever we go. She's my comrade, (one of) my closest friend and the sister that I never had.

So on this special day, I want her to know that I really appreciate her existence in this world. That I am thankful and proud to have a sister like her. I wish her a long life, health, abundant blessings and especially heavenly wisdom to face come what may. May all her dreams come true according to HIS grace & mercy (including the one specific pray for me hehe). And as I always tell her unashamedly and as often as I could: "I LOVE YOU!!" Happy birthday, and I hope today is blast for you!!!

wiper

2010-01-19T12:02:00.006+07:00

I know that my car is old. But I never felt that it's ANCIENT until last night. As we finished our weekly intercession at church last night, it was raining and a friend of mine didn't drive so I offered to take her home, I'd have to pass her house anyway. She brought her 5.5 year old son along with him. The little boy was curious about everything and while I was chatting with his mother he started asking question:

Sammy: "Tante Kristin, what is this?" (pointing at something)
Me: "Oh, this is to turn on the lamps."
Sammy: "And what is this?" (pointing at another thing)
Me: "Oh, that is to turn on the wiper... look here *click* it's on."
Sammy: "And how do you turn on the wiper in the back?"
Me: "Huh??? I don't think this car has it!"
Sammy: "But daddy's car has wiper in the back!! How come this one doesn't?"

My friend (Sammy's mom) and I laughed so hard and she told him: "Sammy, don't say something that will embarrass Tante Kristin! Daddy's car is a new car and this one is an old car, old car only has front wiper!" (their car is an Alphard). I could only say: "Yeah, sorry this old car doesn't have any wiper in the back!" But apparently that didn't stop him asking about things, which fortunately had nothing to do with the antiquity of my car.

When he hopped off the car he didn't forget to thank me for driving him home. While he was waving furiously at me as I drove away, I also didn't forget to tell him: "Hey Sammy, before you go to bed tonight please don't forget to pray to God to give me a car that has wiper in the back!" And he shout outloud: "OK!!"

After all, doesn't the Bible said that God listens to the prayer of a little kid. Who knows, maybe next year I'll be driving a car with wiper in the back. And if you read this and happens to have children, please ask them to pray for the same thing for me (^o^)

the meaning of life

2010-01-11T22:44:00.006+07:00

Finally we entered the Year of 2010... I can't help but wondered how many more years will I have in this world. Could be not for long, but I really wish it's long enough for me to enjoy to the fullest. But I also hope I won't be there anymore when the earth ends its cycle... yeah, thanks to Global Warming hahaha

Last year's holiday wasn't long enough as I usually had it in the previous year, and compared to those other years it was an ordinary enough holidays. I didn't get to travel, only managed to get 2 days off (though fortunately Christmas & New Year fell on weekends) but I certainly enjoyed every second of it. Got to spend quality time with friends and families.

On the last day of a short trip with come close friends we went to a Dutch cemetery. Actually, it's a cemetery for Dutch & British soldiers who died in war in our country many years ago. Many are just the cross without a body buried underneath. It wasn't my first visit to the place but somehow this time it left a deep impression. When I looked at rows and rows of the ashes boxes. next to the small chapel... while reading the names and the birth & death dates, I wondered how they died. Was it instantaneously? Did they feel pain before they die? Did they have missing body parts? I couldn't help but wonder.

And of course looking at the white crosses across the green grass made me feel even sadder. Some of the crosses stated that the person died in a young age, not even 20. Maybe they died in war for something that did not believe in. Or maybe they really did die for their country. And yet the fact remain the same, they died for a reason. And for whatever reason it was, they died a hero. It is also a fact that wars are still going on in every part of the world. There will be more crosses without a body, more ashes to keep and more young lives wasted.

I'm already many years over 20... but sometimes I wonder if I really understand the meaning of life. It's one of my resolutions in entering the new year... to find more meaning of life. I'm probably not a soldier going to war, but I definitely have my own war. A war to succeed in works, a war to succeed in life. And I want to fight with faith and believe. That I'm trying my best and going all out in every battle so even when there's no tomb provided for me, somehow my life had become worth meaning. Happy New Year!!

Someone Might Remember

2009-11-11T16:34:00.005+07:00

A little over lunchtime, and I had to go to a meeting. But just when I was about to step out of the building, it rained. So I took a taxi for the 500m ride. The ride only took less than 2 minutes.

I was singing a part of the Tohoshinki's Stand By U, just the part that I remembered when the driver asked me: "Ma'am, do you live in XXX area?" Since he mentioned the place where I live, I honestly answered: "Yes. But how do you know? Did you ever take me there before?" To which he gave out a little laugh & told me: "Because you're singing a Japanese song! And from all the people that I've had driven before, you're the only one who sang Japanese so I'd remember!"

For most people this is only a slightly funny experience. You laugh about it and then you forget about it. But for me, this is such a gentle reminder that every little action that you do, every words that you say, SOMEONE MIGHT REMEMBER. Maybe you think that you're doing something only for fun, or maybe you said some words just to lighten up the party without any intention to hurt. But SOMEONE MIGHT REMEMBER.

Another example for me, I was getting out of the church after a service and passing a granny who was walking with a crane. She was about to take the 3 little steps up to the foyer. As I was walking casually by, I stopped & reflexly held her arm so that she could take the steps more steadily. She thanked me, I gave her a smile and walked back out again. And I didn't remember this until long time later one member of the congregation came up to me and told me: "Hey, my mom said that you're a nice girl and that you've been kind to her. Thank you." I was confused because I didn't even know her mom. So I asked her who's her mom & what did I do, and she repeated the story that I just told you earlier. The granny's her mom. I didn't remember my action as something serious, but she's grateful for that little action.

And that's just one good example. What about the bad one? Ooooh, believe me, people remember more & better about bad things than the good ones!! ^^" A group of friends and I were talking & joking. As time went by, the joke became bolder and bolder until I told a friend: "Yeah, and your laugh is like a devil's laugh! You should check it out or you won't get into heaven!" Everyone laughed including that friend. But later on when we're setting up a committee for a program I was informed that she didn't want to work with me because she felt hurt with my joke. The joke was said like months ago!! BUT SHE REMEMBERED.

So next time I should think before I take actions, I should consider my words before I let them out. Because many times my little actions & words can change people's life or way of thinking. In everything I do or say SOMEONE MIGHT REMEMBER. And GOD REMEMBERS. I hope from today onwards there will be more good memories of me when people think of & remember me.

The Date

2009-10-29T10:15:00.007+07:00

Today, October 29 2009, is my father's 71st birthday. But more than that, the date holds much more meanings for him. He always had mixed feelings about his birthday, and it always made me confuse how to react too. But back when mom was still around, it's much happier for him and much easier for us to be happy for him too. Despite his request not to celebrate, he couldn't say no to my mom since it's also their wedding anniversary. Here's what happened on his birthday in the past:

The day his father passed away. I always forgot the year but always remember the story. He brought hom some food to celebrate with his parents & siblings, but found out that my grandfather already passed away while reading the newspaper.
But then my mom decided October 29 1974 as their wedding day to erase the sadness of the memory of losing my grandfather.
October 29 2007, my father obtained his 8th Dan (level) in Karate. He was ecstatic for his achievement at his age. But then when he came home my mother announced to the whole family (after her last visit to the doctor) that the doctor said she didn't have to come to see him anymore. That she should spend her last moments with family, and pray for the best. I couldn't stand to see his eyes. He tried to be strong for her cause she didn't cry, but I know deep inside it crushed him. There was no celebration that year.

Last year was his 70th birthday and also his first birthday & anniversary without his soulmate. He looked so sad but I went ahead with a lunch celebration with family & friends. I didn't regret it, seeing the smile on his face, hearing his laughter when we brought him cake & singing him the birthday song, that's probably the best thing that happened to me last year. Cause at that time I could see, that he's happy and he forgot all the misfortunes in the past on his birthday.

And today, we'll be cutting the birthday cake at the hospital. His younger brother has been in a coma since last Saturday for an internal bleeding on his brain. So many people called him at home early this morning. When I'm leaving for work he told me: "I'm a bit anxious. There were so many things happened on my birthday in the past years... I hope he's not gone on this day too." I couldn't seem to find the right words to console him but I could only tell him not to think of the bad things all the time. Let's just pray & hope for the best.

Today I'm so thankful to God that I'm granted another year with my father. I don't know how many more birthdays we'll be able to celebrate, but today, I'm going to make it another day that can make him happy. And I pray that everyday is also a happy day for him as it is for me, to have him stand by me until this moment.

Happy 71st birthday Pops! I love you and God bless you!

Holiday

2009-09-23T21:39:00.006+07:00

Today is the last day of the long Idul Fitri holiday... and you know what? I haven't been able to finish all the reading & the watching that I had planned to do before the holiday. And what would be my excuse this time? Too much to do? Not enough time? Or too short a holiday?

I thought I always told myself that holiday is no reason to be lazy... Honestly, I still woke up early in the morning like any other working days, though I went to bed a little later than usual... But I procrastinate in doing everything! And not doing it the way it should have been!

I woke up at 5am in the morning... I replayed my ipod again... closed my eyes and slept for another hour... At 6am, I turned on my side lamp & read things that I didn't plan to read... At 8 I woke up, took my time to do my bed... And by 9, I haven't even mopped the floor!

Even when I watched, I've actually made a watching list... but I ended up watching totally different movies/shows. And the worst was I fell asleep while watching/reading, and when I woke up instead of continuing it, I did something else! T____T

Anyway, even though things didn't go as planned, I'm still happy... I got the much needed sleep, time with dad, enough shopping, and definitely a whole lotta fun with some of close friends! Yeah, this time the housekeeper had decided to quit her job and I had to do the laundry (for my own clothes :p Dad washed his own hahahaha) & the much hated ironing... Thankfully my dad can cook his own food as I'm the useless one in the kitchen :p All I did was providing the raw material as requested hehehe *useless daughter*

Maybe I won't plan anything for my next holiday... maybe I should just let it roll however I like... but still, holiday is no reason to be lazy *once again* it's just another reason to take your time to to do things... Happy holiday!

Growing Up

2009-08-02T17:51:00.003+07:00

2 nights ago I received an unexpected text message, it reads:

"Kakak, thanks for all your prayers. I got accepted in the Medical Faculty of University P***"

It took only 5 seconds before I spilled my tears. And those are happy tears.

I met this girl when she was in 5th grade. Her mom's my mom's close friend in church. At that time, she was also very clingy to her uncle, my friend & my duet partner in church. As she also had some domestic problems, she's very shy and cried easily. And for the next few years after our first meeting, she grew attached to me too. We talked a lot, I used to spend sometime with her & her siblings when our moms got together and I somewhat became a big sister figure for her and I cared a lot about her like a lil' sister I never had.

Circumstances made us lost contact for a few years when she was in Junior High. I met her again when she just got into High School. At that time, my mom was in her early medications, her mom talked to my mom on the phone about it and they decided that they should meet. So we met at Pondok Indah Mall over lunch on a Saturday.

During lunch, I found out that things at home were still hard for her. But to my surprise, she matured a lot during those years we weren't in touch. She took care of her 2 lil' sisters well and had such a strong personality. It was also a few days after her birthday, I remembered that I sent her a text message and her mom told me that she was very happy! She said: "Mom, she still remembers my birthday! She sent me an SMS!" It was also one of the reasons why our moms decided to meet. So I asked her what did she want for her present. She said a book, and she chose Memoirs of a Geisha at the bookstore. She seemed very happy. Then we ate ice cream together, and bought some snacks at the supermarket. We parted happily and promised to keep in touch. A promise that I couldn't keep.

She changed her phone number and at that time I was also busy taking care of my mom & struggled to cope up between my work & personal affairs. When my mom passed away, her mom came to the wake & funeral... and I was updated again with her stories. Yes finally we meet again through FB, but I didn't see her again until a few days before my surgery. She and her mom was at the hospital where I went and we got to chatted for a while there. Then I received the text message that I mentioned in the beginning of this post.

I cried over the news because I'm proud of her. Despite her hard times, she grew up strong and wise. I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to keep my promise to be there for her at her hard times, but she still sent me the message anyway. I almost feel like a parent whose child is going away to start a new path of her own. But I really wish that I could be a part of her future and do more for her than what I did in the past.

I can't be the big sister anymore for her but I want to be there for her when she needs someone to talk to. I didn't promise her anymore that I'll keep in touch. Instead, I promise myself to do it. I'm praying for her happiness and her future. And I'm proud that my little girl has grown up strong. I still have a few years until she graduates and turned into a wise woman. And I surely want to support her until that time comes.

Back To The Future

2009-07-25T08:32:00.004+07:00

Did you ever regret your past?

I'm lying if I say I didn't. But if I have the chance to be back to the past, I still want to be what I am today. Yes, there were things that I really thought shouldn't have happened or I shouldn't have had done, words that shouldn't have said, but I can proudly say that I'm stronger & wiser today for what has happened in the past.

There were regrets alright, a lot of what ifs & maybes... but I have learned to accept them as part of my "life education". Just like when you get a red mark in school (well OK, this is bad example as I know some people never get a red mark and always being the top of the class!), there were times you get a red mark in life. And it's now how you can erase the red mark with tip-ex or eraser, but how to make it blue or black in the next exam. You look at your mistakes, find out what's the right formula, and solve the next problem in the right way.

That's why even in my age today, there are still things that I want to do while I'm still able to do it... I believe in "better late than never" though it's even better to "do it before it's too late". I'm saving money to travel somewhere far, I'm thinking of taking a guitar lesson in September (since the music school is in the same building of the new office), I'm still keen on getting better with my Japanese (will have to continue the lesson next month), and I'm looking forward to the mission trip with the Youth Ministry in December. Oh, and I want to write more and compose more songs... something that I haven't done in the past few years...

Wow!! Isn't the future exciting?? Even though we still don't know what's in there and what's going to happen to us the next 1 hour... nevertheless I can't wait to see what's my future going to bring, and it depends on what I'm doing today! I just trust my life in my God's hand 100%... but the most important thing is, doing my best for HIM and HIM only. Here I come my future!!

Viva Life!!

2009-07-21T12:38:00.001+07:00

I just turned 34 last week. Unlike last year, there’s no celebration or anything special. I’m still recovering from my surgery last month and also it fell on Monday, the 1^st day of the week that keeps everyone busy. I went to work as usual, received hundreds of well wishes in FB, some prayer through telephone calls and a bunch of SMS. The fact that I’m still breathing and in good condition is a celebration for me personally. Though one fact hasn’t changed… I’m still single ha3x

And yeah, of course, there were more wishes from the “elders” that I’d meet Mr. Right soon but honestly, I don’t really think about it anymore. Even if he doesn’t come along, I’ve come to a realization that some things are better off as it is, no need to rush it or dwell on the facts that I’m still single too much. Ignore whatever other people said. In the end it’s my life. And I still have many things I want to do, I want to go places, and I want to challenge myself to be MORE in every single thing that I do. And those are the kind of things that (I was told) I can only do while I’m single.

So here I am, celebrating life and all its ups & downs… I may be one year older, but that means I’m also given longer time to enjoy the ride on life’s roller coaster!! I’m blessed!!

To Live Your Own Life

2009-06-27T14:46:00.002+07:00

I guess MJ's death yesterday was really a big news all over the world. I don't want to have a long discussion about his death, I guess I've had enough. But what interest me to talk about this is that some hardcore fans seemed to deny the fact the he had passed away. Dead. No longer in this world. They seemed to believe that he is immortal. Which, immortality is a non-existance in this life. No matter how you want to stay young and used the most expensive anti-aging products or plastic surgery, you can't deny the fact that your life is one day will be over.

The irony of his death was that he had all the wealth in the world but still he was living a life that he couldn't enjoy. Where he couldn't call his life his own anymore. He lived under the prying gaze of millions of people who called themselves his fans and the media, and he was expected to live up to their expectations. To be the perfect, immortal star.

Fame and wealth can be cruel. Fandom can be dangerous.

Jung Yunho, leader of one of my fave boybands - TVfXQ was once rushed to the hospital because and anti-fan sneaked into the dressing room & put power glue in the water bottle that he drank. And not just that, the boys are stalked whenever they returned to their home country. And they're just one boyband while there are hundred of others. Sadly, they do what what they do today because it's their passion. They're now more than just pretty faces & killer bodies, surprisingly they do have talents. And very good at it. If they don't do what they do today, what else can they be? A regular salaray-man like you and me? Or running their own busineess?

I love singing. And there was a moment in my life when I want to be a singer if given the opportunity. But life had a different plan laid out for me. Still, there's a longing inside my heart for this dream coming untrue. Now I have to satisfy myself with singing in church (which is the greatest opportunity to serve my Father & Lord) and an occasional karaoke session with some friends. Somehow this make me understand why they do what they do today. It's more than just fame or money, it's about living your life according to your passion and the success is just a bonus.

So what kind of fan do you want to be? Do you want to be a stalker fan or obsessive fan? Or do you want to be a loyal fan who buys their records, go to their concerts and smile when you coma across a picture of them holding hands with some girls or fellow celebrities? After all they're only human. They have feelings & desires. And they want to start a family. What is so wrong about it? Besides, to have a family of our own is the very basic core of life.

It's okay to ask for an autograph or a picture together. But let's grow up and let them live their own life. After all, they have given up 80% of their lives for you... for me... for us... let them enjoy the 20% on their own.

It's Over When It's Over

2009-06-24T15:16:00.003+07:00

Today is my 1st day back in the office after the surgery. I’ve been busy replying messages and the well wishes sent through SMS or Facebook for the first few days back home but now it’s time to get back to the real world. I couldn’t be more thankful for having so many people care about me. My whole family was outside the surgery room from 12pm (when they wheeled me in) until 6:30pm (when they brought me back to my room), my dad didn't even want to have lunch even though my aunt had bought him one. My baby cousin stayed with me in the hospital room for 3 nights attending to my every needs. She didn't hear her mobile phone alarm ringing 3 sets in a row but she woke up whenever I called her when I needed to get off the bed and went to the toilet or just to grab anything I asked of her, amazing!! And she had to go to work in the morning too... I love you so much lil' sista!! *muach 100x*

The surgery was a success even though the result was a bit off than expected. It started at 1:00pm on June 13 and finished at 4:00pm. Apparently there were cysts in both my left & right ovary. The one in the left was what the doctor found earlier through USG. Even though the USG only showed it medium in size (around 3.9 x 3.4cm) the real thing was actually much bigger (8 x 4.5 x 2.5cm) and it was stuck to the left ovary. The doctor has no choice but to take the left ovary along with the cyst. But the surgery team managed to take the cyst in the right as it wasn’t as big (3 x 2.5cm) without removing the right ovary. Other than that 2 uterus fibroid were also taken from my uterus… small & black like stones my aunt said.

Funny thing was, nobody told me about the removal of my left ovary until the next day. I was chatting with my little cousin about the surgery and I kinda told her: “So I heard the left cyst was very big? Did you see it?” She said: “Yeah, I was told by our aunt that it’s pretty big the team even had to remove your left ovary along with it!” I didn’t think that I was shocked or something, but I remember there was a pause before I asked her casually: “So they did remove left ovary? Really?” Suddenly she fell silent and quickly retorted: “Errrrr, I’m not so clear… maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’ll have to check it with our aunt who spoke with the doctors!” I knew it’s real right there and then. My aunt still didn’t say anything until the day I check-out from the hospital. She explained everything to me carefully but I didn’t feel sad or anything. I’m just disappointed that they didn’t think I’m strong enough to take the news. I’d rather have them tell me directly rather than made me wonder for 3 days.

2 days ago was my 1st consultation post surgery. I got to see the 20cm long incision in my lower abdomen. And again I’m so thankful for God’s help and grace throughout the whole process. There were times when I felt so lonely & almost depressed, but everytime I opened the Bible, HE always gave me the answer that I was looking for and then I could be at ease again.

So here I am again… facing my pc monitor and ready to sort out my piling-up works… The hardest time isn’t over, but I’ll get through it one day at a time.

soulmate

2009-06-01T13:58:00.003+07:00

Did you ever have anybody of the opposite gender that you can call “soulmate” even though you’re not in a relationship?

I did, long time ago. He was supposed to be 1 year my senior in high school, but he moved to another city when I got in. I didn’t meet him until like a year later, we were in the same club… I didn’t think that there’s anything special between us when we first met. He didn’t talk much, and I thought that he didn’t like me too since I was a talkative person. He was a mysterious guy.

Then at one point we got to spend a few hours together. I don’t remember anymore what we were talking about during that few hours… but it started there. Letters were sent every week… once I received I replied the next day and vice versa. We could feel it when something went wrong with each other. And the funny thing was, in the rare moments we got to spend a couple of times in a year, we rarely speak. We shared everything through letters, hundreds of them exchanged between us!

There was once when I wanted to give him a surprise visit on my holidays. I didn’t tell him anything, I just packed my suitcase and took a train to the city he lived in. When I got to his house, I met his grandmother who was so surprised to see me by the door and claimed: “You can’t be here!! He’s on the way to Jakarta to surprise you!!” That was like the only time that our frequency didn’t match! I cried so hard the whole day cause I felt like I missed him too much. But I also can’t go back to Jakarta right away, cause after visiting him I planned to go visit my uncle in Semarang. The rest of the holiday was a misery for both of us.

From all the birthday presents that I ever received, his was the one that I treasured most. It’s proudly hanging in my bedroom. I was already in college at that time, we hardly kept in touch. But when he’s back in Jakarta we managed to meet after my birthday. When we met, he silently gave me this square and thick stuff, wrapped in a flowery gift paper. When I opened it, I saw myself stared back at me in pencil. He drew me from a picture that I didn’t even remember he had. I cried.

Years passed by… somewhere along the way we lost in touch… There were a few times when he suddenly called and said hi… his numbers kept changing for many reasons, he even moved to Canada for a year. And you know what, I always dreamed of him before he calls came. Losing him hurts so much more than the worst break up I’ve been through. Every year, there’s always a day when I think of him and wondering how is he doing now. His last call came 3 years ago. It was awkward, there was silence hung between the lines for a few minutes. We didn’t say anything after the hello… I knew it was him right away. Then he said that he hoped I was fine and that he’ll call me again sometime. I said OK. We hung up. I cried again. No more call ever since, but deep down inside sometimes there’s a tingling that I can’t described when I think of him.

Even though the relationship was completely platonic… honestly, I don’t ever want to go through the same thing again. If I ever going to meet the one that I can call “soulmate” once again, then I want him to be the one that I will spend the rest of my life with. I want him to be that special someone just like I would be for him. I want to “feel” him with my soul just like he would “feel” me with his entire being. And that, my lovely friends… is something that I’m looking forward to find…

Today, I bid him farewell from my heart but not from my memories… I wish him well… and thank you for all those years that we were through.

about fandom

2009-05-25T17:09:00.013+07:00

Yeah, I’m 33 and STILL LOVE BOYBANDS… so what??

I guess if you read my other posts you’ll know by know that boyband is not my only hobbies. I read comics, I watch anime (a lot) and collecting anime merchandise as you can read here or here in case you never read or you forgot. The most common comment that I get is: “My goodness!! You’re already 33 and you still like this kind of stuff? Grow up!!”

So does liking boybands etc means that I haven’t grown up? Does reading comics & watching anime means that I’m childish? I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I can say that people who really know me say that I’m very mature. Even when I was in my teens, my parents’ friends used to envy my parents over my maturity compared to their children. I’m not bragging, but that’s the truth.

And how bad is my obsession over boybands? I’d say normal. I listen to their music most of the time, I read the latest gossip or news on them, I watch subbed variety shows that they’re in and laugh over their silliness or idiocy. I bought original CDs/DVDs ONLY if I think they price is sensible, and that’s why I never bought Japanese original stuff! (unless for a couple of CDs) Japanese merchandise’s price are crazy if not overboard! No thanks… I have to thank that technology that enables me to download all those yummy stuff over the internet.

Yes there are some crazy people out there who can’t seem to differentiate between fandom and reality. And I’m happy to say that (I think) I’m not one of them. At least it’s still OK for me if there’s any gossip of them dating. I mean, they’re only human, they surely need someone special just like we, common people, do don’t you think? They have desires too, and if they’re dating women that’s good, cause that means that they’re normal he3x

I don’t dream of being able to use “rasengan” or do “bankai”… of course sometimes I joke around with my friends’ kids, pretending that I can do those but I do realize that I’m no Naruto nor Kurosaki Ichigo. I am Tresia and I am happy just to be myself. While watching the series I sometimes wish that we -- the real people -- could be as nice or as strong as those anime characters. I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes those characters can change me too. I admire Naruto’s perseverance & loyalty. I sympathize over Ichigo’s trauma of losing his mother. And I wish I could show my love to my brother openly like Shou does to Yuri. But I never imagine myself to be them.

I’m proud of who I am. Despite my hobbies, I do my job seriously. I have a great job at a good firm. So who says that I’m just a childish & non-realistic fangirl?

By the way, if I ever meet DBSK, I have 3 wishes:

1) I want to pinch Junsu’s cheeks.

2) I want to be hugged by Yunho from behind.

3) I want to sing Love In The Ice or Begin with them.

There!! *fangirlmode: ON*

D-Day

2009-05-18T15:02:00.005+07:00

Went to see another obgyn last Friday... After the checking & back to our discussion he asked me: "So, what do you want to hear from me?" I said: "I just need a confirmation, surgery or no surgery? I've heard surgery from 1 doctor. Now you tell me it's a yes or a no? That's all I need to hear to convince myself." Doctor: "I'm sorry but YES!" 2:0 for surgery... there we go.

So I called the hospital this morning and scheduled it on June 13. So far the surgery room is available, the room is on waitlist (they told me that the single room is unavailable and offered the VIP for IDR 400.000,- more expensive which is a ripped off!! They just want more money...) they just need to confirm the doctor's time and will call me again to re-confirm. But I'll have to check-in on the 12th. I hope there won't be any change. Second weekend is better so I have time to finish my work before I disappear for 2 weeks :p

Phew!! Didn't realize that other than the surgery itself I'll have to prepare for other stuff. For example, I will need flat shoes. He3x Other than high heels for work, I only have sneakers & sandals. Don't like flats, but have to have one now to go to work when I'm back to the office. And before I check-into the hospital I'll definitely have to cut my hair very short. Since there's no mom who can help me wash my hair, it'll be difficult for me to wash hair & have a careful shower (can't let water touch my surgery wound)... So I'll have to wash my hair in the kitchen sink for a month!! Ha3x Short hair will be easier. I'm thinking of getting Hyunjoong / Jaejoong style LOL

Oh, I'll have to do 1 month groceries too!! He2x Since that's my job and I won't be able to do that soon... at least 1 month after my surgery I'm sure I'd be able to go groceries shopping again... The thing that bother me most is that I won't be able to drive for at least 2 months. *sigh* Will be Taxi to and from work. When I have my appendicitis 4 years ago, it was my mom who drove me to work every single day, but now I'm not comfortable enought to let my dad drive in such heavy traffic. How inconvenient it might be but that's what it takes for speedy recovery.

Aaaaaaah, so many things to do... but at least I could use my time after surgery to finish reading those books that I'm too lazy to read! Ha3x

so...

2009-05-13T13:17:00.002+07:00

2 weeks ago I felt abdominal pain for 3 days straight. Went to Medistra Hostpital before work, saw the internist, had a USG. Spent half a day at the hospital. The next day dropped by the hospital to take my result & went to see the internist again. She was suspecting that my endometrioid cyst was acting up again. Referred me to see the obgyn later in the evening on the same day. Got to the hospital again at 6:30pm, didn't get to see the doc until almost 10:00pm. Result? I have myoma or Uterine Fibroids... and not just one, he mentioned several from the look of my uterus. He suggested a surgery to remove both the cyst & the myoma.

Honestly, this time I was scared. Even until now I haven't decided to undergo the surgery or not. For the first time in my whole life I'm totally scared and unable to make decisions. When my mom was ill, I could still make decisions for her & the entire family knowing what's the consequences & what might be the result. But this time it's really hard. I asked my friend who had undergone the same procedure, she just told me: "Pray. If you're sure then go ahead. But don't do it unless you feel confident about it." And after a discussion with my boss' wife I decided to get a second opinion. Or even a third. But the surgery vs no surgery has to be 2:0 or 2:1. I'm still trying to find a good doctor, hopefully it's done before the end of next week cause I have to make decisions about it soon. If it's a yes, it should be early June. I keep praying and thanking God for everything. And whatever I have to go through in the end, I know that HE will take care of me.

Another thing... someone stole my bag from the car last night. I dropped by Hero Gatot Subroto to buy chicken. Just left the car for 10 minutes. When I got back I can't get the car keys into the key hole, when I tried to open it just opened. I was thinking that maybe I forgot to lock up before I went out? But then the compartment was opened, and my backpack was gone! What's inside the bag might be unimportant for some people (working notes, standard medical kit, etc), but I just hate the fact that for the years that I've been to that place (AT LEAST once a week) nothing ever happened to me and I was very confident that nothing's going to happen to my car since it's an old one. I thought people would target the expensive & luxurious card instead. Aaaaarrrghhh!! Other than my backpack, the thief also stole my CDMA phone that I put in the compartment. Luckily it's not expensive, but still it's annoying.

So here's what I lost inside the backpack:
- Working notes
- Phone book
- Name card case with name cards, hospital cards (from all 5 hospitals), insurance card, 1 credit card (I have it blocked right away), 1 ATM card (they can't get the money anyway since they don't know the PIN).
- My standard medical pack: Ponstan, inhaler & cooling five (for my bronchitis & sinus), aspirin, minyak telon, panadol menstrual, bandage (I got small cuts easily).
- Sewing Kit
- Nokia data cable
- Small laptop speaker
- 2 books of Taxi voucher
- Comb

Others:
-Nokia CDMA Phone

This morning I had to take a taxi to work, dad has to take the car to the car shed to fix the door & the automatic lock.

I don't want small things to ruin my day. I don't want anything at all to ruin my joy. What's done is done. What's gone is gone.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
I Thessalonians 5 :18

SO THANK YOU, LORD!!! I'm happy!!!

choco flattery

2009-04-28T15:03:00.004+07:00

One of the regular bankers from SG Office came this morning and happily presented me a box of chocolate "fresh" from the Switzerland v(^o^)v The chocolate is in a very luxurious black box... looks nice and expensive.

The reason for the chocolate giving is that I've been helping him a lot (according to him, but I think it's normal, nothing special) with some personal stuff or professional -- when his secretary's not around. But it's the way he presented the chocolate that amused me:

Him: "Here's your chocolates!"

Me: "Ow, thank you! That's very nice of you..."

Him: "Oh yeah... It's fresh from the Switzerland!"

Me: "Really?"

Him: "Yes, my parents came on Friday and brought it with them."

Me: "Wow..."

Him: "They only brought 2 boxes of that! One box I gave to Seb*****n (CEO of one of the largest bank in Indonesia) and the other one goes for you!"

Me: *smiling sweetly* "Oh wow, I'm flattered!"

Him: "You should be! It's special!" *while pointing at the choco box*

LOL this is the first time a guy is telling me that I should be flattered cause he gives me some chocolates... and he's my boss nonetheless! Hahahahahahahaha But yeah, I'm flattered, since his secretary told me that she didn't even get anything from him on this secretary week :p

Chocolate is always the perfect solution for any girl, don't you think?

my new baby

2009-04-27T13:10:00.005+07:00

My new baby, SE C-902... decided to get this instead of that damn C510... A little more expensive but I love it! Mmmm, have to download some games to play with the baby...

stupid sales reply

2009-04-21T13:12:00.003+07:00

Thursday, April 16: There's half page color advert in Kompas, promoting the new C510 by Sony Ericsson.

Saturday, April 18: @ the brand store, Senayan City... Looked @ the dummy and was thinking to buy one.

Monday, April 20: Still thinking about it...

Today, April 21: Sacrificed my lunch time, went to PP to buy that phone... finally... And....

@ Sony Ericsson store:

Me: "Excuse me, I want to buy C510."

Sales: "I'm sorry, we don't have it yet."

Me: "What? Isn't it a new model?"

Sales: "Yes, since it's new we don't have it yet."

Me: "But I saw it in Senayan City?"

Sales: "Yes, maybe they have it there, but we don't have it here."

Me, started to get a bit annoyed... Moved to the next store, OKE Shop...

Me: "Excuse me, I want to buy C510."
Sales: "I'm sorry, we don't have it yet."

Me: "But it's new, isn't it?"

Sales: "Yes, because it's very new we don't have the stock yet."

Me: "But the store in Senayan City has it!"

Sales: "Yes, I think only Senayan City has it right now."

Now I'm thinking should I really buy that thing or should I just forget about changing mobile phone if this is the way they sell it. Why put a large advert & spend so much money on promotong something that you don't even have!!!!!

omiyage

2009-03-19T14:47:00.006+07:00

omiyage = purezento = presents

My friend Atie just returned from Japan for a short holiday in her hometown, Jakarta. I asked her to buy me 2 CDs (which she could only find 1) and a magazine (that she didn't have time to search for anyway). Surprisingly, she said: "Aaaaah, I have to bring to so many things for you!" I was a bit shocked when she said that: "I thought you're only bringing me 1 CD?" Apparently, she brought more for me ha3x See in the picture, the CD is the only thing that I asked her to buy for me, but she actually bought me some present!! LoL Above the CD are 2 little comics that she bought @ Manga Expo (Or Comiket for the Japanese). Then some ichigo (strawberry) snacks, I have to eat that later. I really didn't know what's inside the red package, she just said that if I feel cold I could stick those on my skin. Ok, no problem... I'll try it out too.

And the "many things" that she brought me are actually all the comics & doujinshis in this picture!! I couldn't stop laughing when I saw them and asked: "What in world did you buy me these for?" She said: "While I was in the manga expo, I really wanted to buy some comics but since I don't read them I thought why not buy it for you? And I didn't know which one is good, so I just picked the longest queue in front of the stands. If the queue is long that means that the comic is good!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That's logical!! But amazingly one of the doujinshi was actually created by EIKI EIKI, one of the mangaka that I like. And one drawing book with Light Yagami & L from Death Note on the cover. Mmm, good choices. There are also some magazines, I asked her what magz are those? Her answer: "I don't know, I got them for free, I though you'd understand & like them." ROFL

Anyway, she told me a lot of interesting stories & pictures about Japan. I'll save that for another entry. But all in all, it's an interesting country. And yes, I still want to go there someday. Right now, I'll just enjoy listening to the CD and try to improve my Japanese with those comics & magazines that she bought me.

teaching again

2009-03-18T12:30:00.003+07:00

Last night I started teaching again. How many students came? Just 3. But looks like more will join next week, they just found out that I re-opened the class ast night. And I was happy with my 3 students. They asked a lot of questions, they brought discussion materials and were willing to follow my guidelines. I didn't prepare anything to teach last night, I was waiting to hear from them first what they want to learn from the class. The result was satisfying... now I know better how to teach in the next sessions and what kind of materials to bring.

A few years ago I opened a free English class in church for about a year. It was closed down due to the students' lack of time and commitment. After that I ran another English class for 13 Sunday School children, ranging from 7 - 13 years old. It was very fun!! Even better than the adult class!! We played many games, I encouraged them to pray in English (each of them had to prepare a prayer in English and every week the last kid came into the class room have to pray in after the lesson), and I even challenged them to pick a scripture in English to memorize. The first once who could recite it in front of the class will get a book (in English of cours :D) or a little gift from me. I never knew that children could be so competitive! Ha3x

The reason I opened the children class was because after Sunday service their parents had to practice Choir for about 1.5 hours. During that time I saw the kids were running around and gossiping (the girls) and playing aimlessly much to the parents annoyance. So one day I gathered the 13 children class and asked me if they want to study English with me while waiting for their parents. They enthusiastically said yes!! Thus, the class started... They had fun, the parents were happy and at least they could always come to me for help with their English homework ha3x Instead of calling me teacher, they called me BOSS! ROFL I felt so bad when I had to quit the class due to my mom's illness 2 years ago. At that time my mom need somebody to be with her 24/7, so I took turn with my dad to be with her on Sunday after church. When my mom passed away last year I didn't continue the class cause most of the children already got into high school and had to join the teenagers ministry every 12:00pm. I still meet them at church, they always give me a high five (the boys) or a kiss in the cheeck (the girls). I love them like my own children.

When I got the request to re-open the class honestly I wasn't so enthusiastic. First I didn't have much time left afterwork anymore and second, I don't have the confidence to dot it again. After hesitating to say yes for 2 weeks, it finally started last night. And I didn't regret it. I just hope that those who have joined and who will join in the following weeks could be more committed. compared to the last adult class that taught. After seeing how excited my students were last night, I think it's worth my time. It would be wonderful if one day they could speak English confidently outside, so I know that I don't waste my time & they have used their time in a better way.

my bedroom, my sanctuary

2009-02-27T16:22:00.004+07:00

This is my bedroom. And yes, it's Naruto everywhere and of course Naruto bedsheet you see there. Well, not just Naruto actually, but Jay Chou is definitely there too. I like a lot of stuff, but Naruto & Jay Chou are both on top of my "special" list :D

My room is the place where I do most of my activities at home. Other than sleeping, things that I do in there: watching (I have my own 23" LCD TV & DVD/DivX player), listening to music, reading (my bed is custom made with my own design, the drawers underneath can keep more than 300 comics so all I have to do is reach down to get some to get me to sleep), playing guitar, singing (being crazy is more like it), creating (whatever's on my mind), crying (when I'm just being a crybaby), sulking (when things don't go the way I plan)... What else? I eat in the dining room and have showers in the bathroom of course.

So my bedroom is very important to me. I has to be the most comfortable place for me. And to be comfortable I have to have things that I love all around me. When you see my bedroom, you see me. My bedroom is very small, but a lot of people don't seem to mind and they enjoy hanging out in my bedroom.

I have 2 sets of Naruto bedsheet, blue (as in the picture) and yellow. A set of small Naruto pillow - bolster set + small Naruto cushion (specially ordered fom Japan) + Naruto plushtoy completes the bed. Other than that I also have many plushies on my bed, which now takes up almost half my bed I think He3x Can't sleep without them. The plushies are not always the same. When one goes to the launder, another would replace.

On the wall above the LCD TV is a large Naruto poster he3x Next to it is a picture frame & Jay Chou's concert poster. There is another Jay's giant poster on the other wall. One side also holds 2 large book shelves with little merchandises scattered around. I'll take some pictures another time.

So yeah, I love plushies and figures. I used to have 6 Kamen Rider figures, one of them can turn into a battle hopper. But then some little cousins came and fought over them so I have to gave up on some of them T____T I only keep 2 Kamen Rider Ryuki's figures and battle hopper one. I really want to have a Ryuki with his Dragon fighter... You can consider that for my birthday present this year.

Sooooo, don't blame me if I'd rather stay home then hanging out at the Mall He3x now you know why I love my bedroom so much. Have a great weekend-dattebayo!!!

change... maybe...

2009-02-25T09:28:00.007+07:00

Compared to some of my friends, I think I have a very ordinary life and I'm also a very ordinary person. This is what I do from day to day:

- Work from Monday - Friday, officially from 8am - 5pm, but I could never leave @ 5pm.

- Monday night: intercession night @ church, 7 - 9pm

- Tuesday night: Watching & reading night.

- Wednesday night: Sports, if I want to and it's not raining.

- Thursady night: Music rehearsal @ church -- only if I'm on schedule, usually 2-3 times a month.

- Friday night: Time to hang out -- only if I have the mood.

- Saturday morning: Japanese private lesson. Noon: Teaching English @ church, starting this week.

- Saturday evening - night: Youth Ministry service.

- Sunday morning - noon: Church.

That's about it. I don't go clubbing, I go to the mall once in a while when I'm bored or when I need to find something.

What else? Oh, I never dye my hair, it's natural dark brown. I still wear glasses despite people's suggestion to start wearing contacts (I rub my eyes a lot, don't think that would be comfortable with contacts). I'm not fashionable, I only wear what I'm most comfortable with -- mostly jeans + t-shirt + sneakers. Am I not ordinary... or plain?? (^-^)

And suddenly in this age I feel like I need some change. No, I'm not going to start clubbing Ha3x Don't like the music being played, I think it's too loud. And I don't drink alcohol either, especially since I got allergic to grapes a couple of years ago so I can't drink wine either. The allergic is not that bad, I can still eat grapes & drink a sip of wine. When I start coughing though, that's a sign to stop otherwise the coughing will continue for weeks.

Sooooo, this change that I mentioned is actually not a drastic one. I've cut my hair short last month... and I'm thinking of dyeing my hair, my hairdresser offered a special service for that since from the 10 years of my patronage I never did anything else to my hair except the basic treatments. I think he's dying to do something else to it LoL

Anyway, what a long entry just to say that I might (or might not) dye my hair... to what color I don't know but not blonde. Aaaaargh, I also have to change this blabering habit!!! Too bad my hairdresser can not do it for me or we can spend one hour longer at the beauty salon to work on my hair and my thoughts! He3x

2009-02-23T11:40:00.002+07:00

Referring to this post, I finally had my second USG last Friday. I'm so happy, the result was good. Even though I still experienced pain on my last cycle, the cyst's size is smaller now. On Nov 2008 the size was 3.9cm x 2.4 cm, last Friday was 3.4cm x 2.4cm. I should return to the doc in another 3 months, though... but doc said so far no surgery needed. But I have to be careful in taking the pain killer, doc didn't want to take to much of it, he again reminded me: "Only if you can't stand the pain anymore."

Then from the obgyn went to Takemori with my lovely cousin, si Dul and kind of having a Korean food feast he3x I ate a lot! We watched Family Outing & some DBSK's MV all through dinner. She had fallen hard for Mirotic LOL Bad bad me... And we were laughing so hard on each hillarious scene in FO! Lucky we were in a private room & looks like there's only another 2 people outside, I bet our laughter can be heard all over the small restaurant :D

Anyway, the DBSK party didn't end that night. Yesterday after church me, my bro & some cousins were going for lunch at PIM, then from there si Dul went to my place and we had another DBSK watching session until 7PM!!! Kyaaaaaaaaaa!!

All in all, I really enjoyed my weekend. I had enough laugh, enough rest and another meeting with The Father. Life is good.

anniversary

2009-02-18T14:17:00.001+07:00

Today is the 1st anniversary of my mom’s passing away. One year used to be so long for me, but this time it went by so fast in a blink of an eye. Yet I felt so many changes in me that I wouldn’t even thought I’d had.

My brother came a few days ago, said that he wants to visit mom’s grave. Believe it or not, I haven’t visited her grave this past year, not even once. I still don’t know why it is so hard for me to go, I always found a reason not to go everytime my dad went. I feel so guilty. And some people thought that I’m a bad daughter for not going. But just the thought of her grave is giving me pain & heartache for whatever reasons, I can’t imagine how I’m going to react when I’m really there. So I’ll go when I feel I’m ready. But not today.

I asked my friend who already lost her mom so many years ago: “When will you get over the sadness of losing her? After 2 years? 5 years?” She smiled to me and said: “You will never get over it. Even after 10 years there will be times when you smile remembering your good times with her, but there will also be time when you cry remembering the same moments you spent with her. But as life goes by, you’ll be able to control your feelings and laugh more when you think about it.” I think it’s true.

I don’t cry so often anymore when I think of her. But I still miss her terribly when I have so much to tell. I used to tell her everything. What bothers me, what made me happy, what annoyed me, what I wanted to do, what I wanted to buy, what movies I watched, which boyband I was into… just everything! This past year without her sometimes felt so lonely. When something good happened to me, I kept smiling all the way home excited to share my happiness just to found my dad already in bed. I smiled like an idiot by myself in my bedroom ha3x That’s the kind of thing that I missed the most.

Life goes on… I move on… But I really wish I could visit her grave soon… at least before another anniversary v(^_^)v

not sure

2009-02-16T13:14:00.002+07:00

I gradually lost my confidence on a lot of things lately...

All this time hearing people say how "positive thinking" am I... but right now I'm not sure where I stand.

I tried to change myself to a better me, based on others' comments & complains... but that doesn't seem to work out.

I tried to do 'more things' to 'more people'... but it seems like those people don't really need me to those things for them.

I'm so afraid to make decisions now, I'm at a loss...

It's time...

2009-02-12T14:40:00.002+07:00

Next week I'll have my next visit to the ob-gyn, when I'll know whether a surgery is needed to remove my cyst or not. Or as the doctor said it: "If the cyst is getting larger and already 5cm in diameter then you can consider a surgery to remove it."

I'm just a little mixed feeling about this whole thing. Yes, my menstruation is painfull to the point that since 3 months ago I had to take a painkiller (Ponstant) in every 6 hours for about 24 hours (between 3 - 4 pills). It's common for me to come a few hours late to work on the 1st day of my menstruation every month, I just have to send an SMS to my boss: "I'll be coming late, my first day of period, have to take painkiller." I've been working for such a long time for him that I could discuss this kind of thing with him. He even asked me if I have a regular cycle and stuff, and I don't feel uncomfortable.

It's true that I want to get rid of this pain, but since I had my apendicitis surgery 3.5 years ago I know how it feels after the surgery. And it's something that I don't want to re-do. Besides, I dont' want to worry my dad. He would want to stay at the hospital with me and all. I'd rather have him stay at home, I can take care of myself, but of course he won't listen to me.

So yeah... I'm anxious waiting for the result... As long as I can stand the pain, I think right now I prefer no surgery. But it's not my will, YOUR will be done, God. I know you know the best for me.

Yay!

2009-02-03T10:34:00.005+07:00

Finally... I got those old CD's that I've been wanting to order from this place but the shipping charges to Indonesia is like 4 times the good's price. So I don't really think it's worth it. Luckily "little boss" was travelling to US for about 2 weeks and kindly let me use his US address as my shipping address for delivery. Sooooo, here's what I got for 30 bucks:

- Jars of Clay: If I Left The Zoo

- Jars of Clay: Who We Are Instead

- Curtis Stigers: Curtis Stigers

- Church of Rhythm: Church of Rhythm

And these following cute items from 2 of my fave animes of all time:

Kyo Souma patch from the anime FRUITS BASKET

Shindou Shuichi & Kumagoro pins from the anime GRAVITATION.

Though I wish I could buy more, I'm happy enough with what I have now... There's still next time ;)

Que Sera Sera

2009-01-29T16:39:00.002+07:00

Did you ever wonder what you'll be like 10 years from now?

When I was still in highschool I used to fantasize of what would I be when I reach the age 25. Why 25? At that time, 25 seemed like the age where everything important in your life would have happened. Finish college, get married (or even have children), have a good career and much more.

Age 25 passed like a flash. I never finish college, haven't been married (until now), I can't say I have a good career but yeah I think I'm doing more than fine. I love everything about the current "myself". I have nothing to complain.

So lately I begin to wonder again... what will it be like 10 years from now. Will I speak Japanese fluently by then (considering my skipping courses every now and then)? And still, will I ever be married and to whom (Satoshi I wish)? And if possible, I'd rather work from home (in whatever form) than working in the office.

But why bother about things that has yet to happen? The most important thing is to live your life day by day as best as you can. What's going to be in the future depends on what you do today. You reap what you sow. You pay your price in advance. And as long as I put my life in God's hand, everything will be allright. Que sera sera... whatever will, then it will be...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29 : 11

no ordinary day

2009-01-20T16:18:00.004+07:00

There is no ordinary day. Every single day is extraordinary.

You've woken up from another sleep this morning. Some people slept forever.

You're still breathing up to this second. Some people just stopped breathing a second ago.

You're still taking a bus to get to work. Some people are walking barefeet a few miles to get to the field.

Your boss was scolding you for not getting things done. Some people just got a notification that they couldn't return to their desks tomorrow.

You think your mobile phone is ancient. Some people don't even know that you could speak to other people who's miles away.

You think your parents are annoying. I wish I could spend just one more day with my mom when she was alive.

And if you think your boyfriend is a pain in the a**. Well, I wish I have one, anyway!!

(^_*)

There is no ordinary day... so be thankful for today and live your life as if it's your last.

rain

2009-01-15T16:08:00.005+07:00

Sent a text message to my twin niece & nephew whose house always flooding when it's raining hard:

Me: "Hey, how's the situation around the house? Safe?"
Them: "Still OK! No signs of flood, everything looks good."
Me: "I won't turn off my phone. Lemme know if you need to come here."
Then: "Got it! Will definitely call."

Called another niece whose just accross the twins this morning:

Me: "Hey, how's the house? It's been raining non-stop for 3 days."
Her: "Errrr, the water's already got into the garage..."
Me: "What!!! Your parents in Jakarta or not?"
Her: "No, they're not. It's just me & my sister."
Me: "Start moving your stuff upstairs! If it's raining again, get to my house. Grandpa (my dad, that is) will be home anyway."
Her: "OK! Let's see after the rain stops."

Then called a friend who lives at the same complex with them:

Me: "Hey, I heard it's starting to flood over there!"
Friend: "A little. My husband couldn't come home last night, the road was closed!"
Me: "What!! How did the children get to school?"
Friend: "The school is even worse, they're staying home today."
Me: "Anyway, if it's flooding just come to my house. Let me know if anything happens."
Friend: "Thanks. Will do."

an hour later, it's still raining a little...

two hours later, the sun showed up...

three hours later until now: SHINY!!

Thank you Lord! I can turn off my mobile tonight!

v(^_^)v

Opposites Attract

2009-01-09T15:59:00.004+07:00

Most people would say that they became close friends because they have a lot in common. On the contrary, my buddy and I became close friends because we are so different. It's so different that it's not strange for us to hear others say: "Wow, how can you guys even be friends???" :D Oh, perhaps I have to say that we even say this almost every year: "Wow, another year of friendship!!! How could we??? Scaaaaarrrryyyyy......" (FYI, it's not me who said scary though I did say the first phrase in awe).

OK, so at first we did find something in common, which is called ENERGY. LoL And to this day we still find it hard to tell people how we met without having to spill some embarassing but memorable memories that still put a smile on my face. To make it short (and less humiliating) now we simply said: "Through friends." though not without exchanging glances & some giggles which lead the other person asks: "Why you guys laughing?" And then in the end we still have to explain the complete stories.

I have many girlfriends but only a few that I could call close friends. Maybe because most times I find them annoying. Like whenever we're going then we have to eat the same food, going to exactly the same spot, and wearing matching stuff and all... and I have to tell them everything that's going on in my life and so I have to listen to them telling me whatever's going on on their lives. I'm one that could never stand a clingy relationship. So those stuff quite annoying for me.

But not with her. We don't spend every single weekend or holiday together. We could go to the same mall together but get into different stores and meet up again later. We won't fight over boys since we have a completely different type. And she's still trying hard to make over my wardrobe though she has given up on asking me clubbing He3x But when we are talking seriously, then we are REALLY talking. We're not trying to guess what's on each other's mind. We ask and try to find out openly. If we don't agree on something, then we'll find another way instead of pushing our ideas into each other. That's the good thing. Let me try to make some comparison between myself and herself here:

She's a fashionista. I'm good with shirt, jeans & sneaker.
She likes Russel Watson. I prefer Andrea Bocelli.
She likes good looking guys. I like guys who look good to me.
She always wears high heels. If I could go to work with sandal, I'll do that.
She's into Snoopy. I want to have Stitch as a pet.
She grows her hair long. And keeps telling me not to cut my hair short again.
She sings David Tao. I sing Jay Chou. At least we sing Lee Hom in duet.
She watched & read Twilight. I'm still trying to finish Bleach & Naruto.
I call her stepmother. She calls me... errr... Tre?

The list could go on and on and on... But we have survived 2 holiday trips together and she's the only one who could make my father walked from the living room to the kitchen while I was cooking just to ask: "Oh, I just realize that G**E hasn't been here for quite a while. Where has she been?" And I was gapping like a fish out of water: "HAAA??? You asked me about G**E??" ROFL And my father didn't even remember my ex boyfriend's name!! Yikes!!

She's not my only close friend like I'm not her only close friend either. And she's just as special as my other close friends, but maybe the most unique. Please note here that I'm using the words CLOSE FRIENDS instead of BEST FRIENDS. Your friends aren't always the BEST, but they are definitely CLOSE to your heart.

To this special and unique close friend: "I'm looking forward to another arguments and disagreements and snickering and bantering between the two of us as those that create a special bond between us. And yes.... it's scaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy...... hahahahahahaha"

To my other close friends: "Wait for your turn on this blog. And no, you can not say NO. Yes... good girls..."

KISS!! *CHUU*

time flies

2008-12-29T21:19:00.002+07:00

2 more days and 2008 is gone... here comes 2009!!

Looking back, 2008 is not an easy year for me and somehow I believe that there will be more challenge and hardship in 2009. Things are getting tougher and harder nearing the end of the year, I've heard some stuff which is definitely going to affect my career or personal life next year.. Some changes in my financial plan already sent my plans swirling down the drain. But God also showed some miracles and proved to me once again, that HE is a GOD with an unlimited power.

Am I afraid entering 2009? Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean that I should stop believing in HIM. In fact, it's a sign that I should believe and rely on him evenmore. After all, HE is a GOD that promised to be with us through EVERYTHING in EVERYTIME. I don't wanna set my hopes too high, but instead I want to tell HIM every single wish that I have, my expectations, my anxiety, my fear, whatever I'm feeling. In the end, MAY HIS WILL BE DONE over me. Come what may...

Thank you 2008... Welcome 2009...

Blackberry?? Blueberry??

2008-12-16T16:53:00.003+07:00

I just turned down another offer to be provided with a Blackberry. The last time I was nominated was like half a year ago by the IT Dept since I was supporting them for Jakarta Office. And in case someone got locked out again like a while ago, and they can't contact my phone, at least they want to be able to send me an email . I flatly rejected the idea.

And yesterday my boss asked me again: "Would you prefer to use a Blackberry? I can get you one by tomorrow." And I quickly retorted: "Ah, no thanks Pak!! I'm not that important and I still want to enjoy my weekend!" (^_^) Having a BB in my office means you're available 24/7.Means: you have no life but work.

I don't think I need one, so why should I accept the offer? Yes, lately you'll see more people use a BB and it's like it has become a trend, a way of life. You're cool if you have one even though you're not using it to its max capability and you don't even have to check your mail every now and then... the most common feature that people use is to check their FB account ha3x

So, thanks, but no thanks. Sorry sorry strawberry, but I prefer Blueberry... cheesecake, that is!! *lame joke*

books

2008-12-12T13:43:00.006+07:00

I'm running out of space to keep my books!!! (T_T) My last database roughly shows these numbers:

1. Indonesian translated comics -- 2.959

2. English translated comics -- 131

3. Indonesian translated Asterix and such -- 72

4. English translated fictions & non-fictions -- 82

5. Indonesian translated fictions & non-fictions -- 72

6. Illustration, Fanbook & Chara Book -- 18

7. Others (including art, craft, architecture, imaging, dictionaries, foreign language lesson, cooking & children books) -- roughly 150

And those numbers weren't accurate except for the Indonesian & English translated comics. Since lately I'm too lazy to update the list for the others though I kept buying them *sigh* Now Ireally don't know where to keep what I have at home, and and like 20 % of them are still at my friend's library... haven't got time to take them all home.

When I say I'm running out of space, I really mean it. You open my living room dressers, you'll find boxes of books. You open my wardrobe, 50% of the space also filled with books. You check my parent's bedroom, you'll also find some boxes of books. Kitchen is the only place that's still clear from my books... (^_^)

I think I've mentioned somewhere that I'm the kind of person who'll feel guilty entering a bookstore without buying a book at all. So now if I'm not looking for a certain book I won't be going into any bookstore. Otherwise, I'll buy books just for the sake of buying something inside the store. And it's usually I won't read the books until a few weeks later if not the next year. Yeah, it's such a bad habit, I know.

And I can not sleep without reading. I could toss around for 2 hours without being able to close my eyes and sleep. Even when I'm extremely tired after doing so many activities during the day or when I got home at 5am in the morning and almost fall asleep in the car... the moment I hit the bed, I have to read though I'll pass out after ready not more than 5 lines... but I MUST read. That's why when I'm travelling I always brought a couple of books with me. When one book bored me, I can read the others. And I have a reading lamp clipped to my bedside, the switch is only 15 cm away, I could always reach out and turn it off whenever I feel like I'm "almost" fall asleep.

Then again, I rarely get bored if I have to spend a day or two at home. I'll never run out of stuff to read. Be it my own books or my parents. Yes... the whole family loves reading. Other than some daily newspapers, my dad subscribes to National Geographics and a few days ago he kind of gave me a hint to subscribe on Intisari ha3x And I never read my books just once! If those are books that I really really like, I could even read them thrice or more!

I have a dream... when I have my own house, I'll definitely have my own library. I'll make it as comfortable as possible not just for myself but also for every visitors who likes to read. The racks will be from the floor up to the ceiling, ladders provided to reach the top shelves. Well, it doesn't hurt to dream anyway...

Have a blessed weekend!!!

Busy or Lazy

2008-12-10T12:50:00.002+07:00

Q: "Hey, wanna hang out sometime next week?"

A: "Ah, sorry, I'm busy."

Q: "Hey, can you help me out with something tomorrow?"

A: "Sorry, I'm busy. Might be working overtime until late."

Q: "Can you serve at next week's service?"

A: "I can't, sorry. I'm busy and I'm afraid I'd be coming late."

I guess we're all quite familiar with at least one of the 3 conversations above. And I have to shamely admit that I'm so familiar with the answers. I said that too. And in fact, I'm not that busy... I'm just lazy.

It's hard to differentiate being busy & lazy. But in my case, being busy is when you have lots to do, you try hard to finish everything on time (if not in time) but eventually it takes longer than expected. And after you finish one thing another thing comes up. While being lazy means that I have lots to do, I know I can finish them on time (again, if not in time) but I took my time in doing them since I don't really wanna do it if I may choose. And as a result, I'm being busy for something I'm too lazy to finish.

I've always wanted to continue one of my foreign language course. Between Chinese and Japanese, I finally chose to continue my Japanese lesson last July. It took me almost a year to finally decided to call the teacher and start the course. Because I was busy? No, I was just lazy. I've been busy with work from Monday to Friday. I have Saturday off. But I thought since I'd been busy the past 5 days, why not use the day off to relax... or in other words, to be lazy. A few months after my mom passed away, suddenly my day off got more boring. Then I just realized that I have wasted too much time being lazy while I can use it for learn something new, to achieve another goal in life. Thus, I started my Japanese course again... and really, I didn't get busier by it n my day off.

The other day was a friend's birthday. I didn't get her birthday present until her birthday has passed for almost 2 weeks. I thought I was too busy to go the mall and find something for her, but then I realized again I was just too lazy to spend an extra 2 hours to drive from my office to the Mall, browsed the department stores and drive back home. Instead, I went straight home after work and spent 2 hours in front of my TV watching another dorama series that my friend just sent me.

I learned to overcome my laziness little by little... by getting up early every morning... learn something new each day... sleep early too at night... and finish my work in time.

Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.

(Proverbs 10:4)

I learned not to get my self busy with wordly affairs... but spend more time with God, with family and friends... and do more things for other people...

The blessing of the LORD makes one rich, And He adds no sorrow with it.

(Proverbs 10:22)

another flu attack

2008-11-28T16:31:00.004+07:00

It's already like the 3rd time this year that I have another cough & flu attack. Well usually I got it like at least once or twice a year, but this time -- once again -- it's already the 3rd time! (@_@) I guess my medical record at the ENT hospital at Cikajang is already filling up. The last time they took a CT scan of my sinus they said no need for a surgery yet. I really hope so... but last night I had to sleep holding an inhaler in front of my nose and it still didn't help much. And evertyime I showed up, the doc was like: "Again?" So I don't go now. Looks like over the counter medicine can do... I'll just wait for another couple of days... Though I'm not sure I can bear the sneezing once in every 5 minutes...

just some updates

2008-11-14T12:13:00.007+07:00

Yo! It's been sometime and I haven't told you about my so called college reunion that I mentioned in my last entry. As much as I dreaded to be there, it turned out to be a wonderful night until past midnight. I got home around 2am, happy & smiling.

There were 11 of us that night. 2 girls & 9 boys. And apparently I was the only one who's still single among then ha3x It's hard not to smile hearing about all of their concerns over my being single. They're afraid I'm just not interested in marriage anymore ;) But I told them not to worry, the time will come even though it looks like to be very late compared to them.

Except for my best buddy since high school - Rendra, most of them had children already. 2 guys were expecting their 2nd born I think & 1 guy was expexting the 3rd. Isn't it amazing?? The moment I met them I thought that they're still a bunch of crazy mischievous people that I knew 15 years ago! And they were... but when they talked about their family, it's a different thing. They sound much more mature and sooooo... how do you call it... familial? It's good the see the changes & I enjoyed the joking & bantering between us, it took me back to those happy crazy stupid college life of mine!

We're going to arrange another get together with more people sometime in December. Probably an outing with their family. I'm looking forward to it.

Reunions aside, I spent my weekend last week in Singapore. After all the hectic in preparing the office's cocktail party, and remembering that I still have like 12 days leave on my records, I just had to go out. Not really doing anything... some books shopping for me & Gale, bought some CD's, breakfast at IKEA, lunches with friends I hardly met. The best thing about spending a few days off outside Jakarta is that no one dared looking for you. The moment my assistant said that I was on holiday outside the country, people just wouldn't call. They'd wait until I return. No such thing as URGENT. I hope there's more weekends like that... Have another great weekend to you!

reunions

2008-10-31T17:06:00.003+07:00

Somehow, I hate reunions for many reasons. But mostly because I don't feel the need to hang out with so many people whom I wasn't even close to back then in school or whatsoever *sigh* I've skipped so many reunions, be it high school's or college's. But this time I just can't get away. I challenged them to arrange something on MY convenient time. They did it. I asked them to limit the attendees to the same year / same class people only. They did it.

So tonight I'll have my college "small" reunion and another one with my high school classmates 2 weeks from now after I got back from my short holiday. I hope it's not gonna be a pain... and they won't ask me questions that I hate...

C'est la vie...

morning beat

2008-10-24T14:36:00.005+07:00

What I listen in the morning on the way to work is very important. My mood for the day sometimes can depend on the music that I hear in the morning. There were times when I started listening to the radio, but that only lasted for about 3 months. I don't really like radios. I don't like the ads and I really hate to have to listen to music that I don't like ha3x

I avoid listening to mellow music in the morning, that would make my mood blue. I like to sing along and play my fingers to the beat. Lately I've been listening to this album a lot in the morning. There are so many upbeat songs in it. I feel so refreshed after listening to it in the morning :p What's your music to start the day?

relationships

2008-10-21T11:38:00.002+07:00

Ever since I hit the twin digit a few month ago, looks like I get the big question at least once a week: "When will you get married?" Or some people were trying to say it in a better way: "Where's your boyfriend? Any plan for a wedding soon?" And it hit me worse then the previous question cause they know very well that I'm still single!

I'm not the type who would fuss over this kind of situation... I like being single and I enjoy my life, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about having my own family. I do. So what if I haven't found the right one? I don't want to be like some women who grabbed anybody that they think "OK" enough for them, got married, and regreted it the year after. Some says I'm being picky. I can't deny it. If I'm not picky, then I'd have gotten married long time ago. But then again, was he the right person for me? And it's not like I set an unbelievable standard! Believe me, some friends even said that it's too moderate. But there are certain value that I don't want to compromise.

One thing for sure that has changed in my standard is age. I used to expect to date older man. From the two "real" relationships that I've been through, only 1 was older (not the mention left the most bitter memory). The younger one didn't work out for many reasons (just a year younger), but mostly because I didn't want to continue the relationship despite his effort to got back together after a few years being apart. I have my reasons.

Then there were some opportunities... 1 almost got serious (meaning: going steady) -- a 5 year younger guy-- until I heard him say: "We can just date, right? No strings attached? I mean, I'm still young, I haven't thought about marriage or anything." That one really put it off. I wouldn't ask him to marry me in the next 5 years but surely there's a purpose in building the relationship?

Another older guy... I really put a high hope on this one. Then he dropped the bomb: "You're too independent & too mature for me. You can do everything by yourself. I need someone who needs me." I was like "Hellooooo?? I thought I heard too many time of guys complaining that their girlfriends are too clingy & dependent on them? That they just can't do anything without the boyfriends help. Who can't go to places by themselves." And yet, I'm too mature for them? I didn't get it.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine. We happen to be the same age. And yet we face the same reality in relationships. And we wonder: "What kind of women do men actually prefered?" We still haven't got the answer. And we begin to feel that we don't care. When the time comes, when the right person appears, then it don't matter anymore. But for the time being, we're proud of being independent. We're proud of being who we are. And we don't want to get bothered again with what people say. Being single is fun. I'd rather be a happy single than a miserable married woman.

And being single means... I can still watch Satoshi as much as I want, like I can daydream about him every now and then (*_^)v LoL

Back to reality

2008-10-09T16:09:00.000+07:00

The 1 week holiday for Lebaran now feels like a dream... 1 week holiday and I only had 1 morning when I could wake up late! (-_-)ZZZzzz 1 morning to check on the office, 3 mornings on retreat and another Sunday morning to meet The Father.

My 4th day at work and I already feel like I need another holiday... badly!! With the market condition lately, everybody seems to be on edge. I understand our company's future is hanging by a thread and you'll never know what's gonna happen tomorrow. We wouldn't even imagine that IDX would be suspend all transactions yesterday morning! To make things worse, despite cutting down the interest margin to save the country's economy like other countries' Central Bank did, Bank Indonesia (shamelessly) increase ours! What can be worse than being stabbed in the back by your own government? But I really don't appreciate people lashing out their emotions on me.

I never want to think badly of people, but now I begin to really hate some of them. God help me! And help our country!! Peace...

Missing her...

2008-09-18T14:52:00.001+07:00

I'm missing my mom so much... There were so many things that I'm going through right now that I wish I could tell her.

My brother & father declined my offer to go on a trip together on Christmas Holiday. My dad's reason was because he might be going to Tokyo next year for work (though I don't see the relevance here). My brother's excuse was because this will be our first Christmas without mom so he expects us to be home together.

Somehow, it's not that I don't understand how they feel, I feel the same way too. But it will be more depressing for me to be home together with them, knowing that she's not around anymore. It feels too lonely...

I'm planning to take a short holiday on early Nov after the office opening party. I have to getaway for a moment somehow, someway. I hate my self when I'm in doubt and being indecisive like now. Too depressing.

I am Haruhi

2008-09-11T17:23:00.001+07:00

Which Ouran High School Host Club member are you?????
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Haruhi Fujioka

You are Haruhi!!! You let others pull you along, but don't like when they comment on how amazingly feminine you are. Thunder and Lightning storms are your greatest fear. People often go to you for advice, as you are incredibly easy to talk to. Even though you are typically shy, you can become agressive and defensive when needed.

Takashi Morinozuka

60%

Haruhi Fujioka

60%

Hikaru Hitachiin

55%

Renge Houshakuji

50%

Tamaki Suou

50%

Mitsukuni Haninozuka

50%

Kaoru Hitachiin

50%

Kyouya Ootori

45%

Backpacking to work!

2008-09-01T15:32:00.000+07:00

I finally decided to buy a new backpack. And it's not for picnic, but for work. Which means that all my handbags have to return to the shelf. Otherwise, I'll have to bring 2-3 bags to work everyday and it's such a trouble.

These are the things that I carry around everyday everywhere:

- Laptop (14", bring to office on Monday, back home on Friday) + cables + ext. HD
- A large & mini notebooks
- 3G connection box
- PDA
- Some blank CDs
- A medium size pocket which contain: medicines, sewing kit, lipstick
- A small size pocket that contains a bunch of keys (office keys, filing cabinet keys, storage room keys)
- Another small pocket contains of memory card extender & several flash disks.
- Cards wallet (for name cards, hospital cards & discount cards :p)
- Tissue
- Comb (hardly used)
- Fisherman's friend -- Aniseed flavor
- Other small stuff

My old backpack is already worn out, so I have to get a new one. And here's what I finally decided to buy:
I love it! It can fit everything in it... even more... Though my friends said that I looked like I'm going parachuting (^o^) Ha!!

Multitasking

2008-08-27T12:32:00.000+07:00

- Personal Assistant
- Accounts Payable
- Office administration
- IT support
- HR support
- Legal support

Those are what I'm doing everyday in the office - officially.

Unofficially:

- Navigator (when the bankers got lost in a taxi and the taxi driver is clueless of where they should go)
- Messenger (when the bankers need to deliver a "very important document" after office hour and the office boy isn't available)
- Office Lady (when the bankers need to print "presentations" and (again) the office boy isn't available.

And each one of the "official" has another set of description of what I'm actually involved with. And it's definitely not easy. Oh, and even though I'm calling some of them as "support", I'm actually doing 60% of the job.

When the boss is on leave, network's stable, no new hire in the office & no changes in company's structure, I could say that I'm practically not doing anything in the office. Or what I called in Bahasa: "Makan Gaji Buta". Printing, signing & pouching Cheque Requests are at most. Too bad from the almost 2 years I'm working here, that only happened twice. Which means in average, about once a year. And since 2 weeks ago, I've been working on all 6 jobs at the same time.

Tough... but I also learn how to delegate... something that I wasn't good at since I wasn't patient enough to wait for other people to do things that I thought I could do faster (arrogant, eh?). If I don't delegate then none of the jobs will be done. I also learn not to rush things. Experience proved that when you rush things then usually more errors occurs, but when you prioritize and do things one by one, it wil minimize errors & mistakes.

Multitasking is not an easy job, but it teaches me a lot and it makes me more knowledgeable each day. You may hate it and ask for a real job description from your boss... or you could learn to handle it and ask for help when you're overloaded. I love my job! Do you love yours? v(^__^)v

Aibaka?? Really??

2008-08-25T15:33:00.001+07:00

Which member of Arashi are you most compatible with?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Aiba Masaki

You're most compatible with Aiba! You know who you are and who you are is someone who isn't very fussy or high maintenance. Aiba seems to prefer someone who's enthusiastic about life and interested in experiencing it - with him, you get a partner in crime.

Results based on a 2006 translated interview about ideal marriages - therefore, you may want to take everything with a grain of salt. ;)

Aiba Masaki

73%

Sakurai Sho

70%

Ohno Satoshi

68%

Matsumoto Jun

58%

Ninomiya Kazunari

50%

Another one out of the list!

2008-08-06T15:08:00.000+07:00

Yipee!! I finally got my Sharingan watch! A month late birthday present... Since none of my friends were supportive enough to my Naruto obsession, I had to get my cousin to buy it for me. Well, more like I buy it and he pays for it LoL

When he called to wish me happy birthday I asked him: "Are you going to give me a present? Already got any?" He said not yet... so I told him: " Tell you what, there's something that I really want and it's not expensive. Shall I buy it and reimburse it to you?" He said go ahead. So ordered this watch online... It doesn't enable me to use Sharingan, though... Huehehehehe

Can I have the 25th hour?

2008-07-24T12:18:00.000+07:00

Lately I found it harder and harder to read books. Especially if they're thick and in small caps... Not because I'm bored, but more like I don't feel I have enough time in a day to read seriously. When I read, I think. And I put myself into it. Now with the traffic and all, the soonest I can get home is around 7pm already. After bath and stuff it's already 8pm. Mosty I go to bed around 10 or 11pm, but sometimes before that I have to make some calls, replying sms, and of course... watch some downloads or dorama from Yannie. Between watching & reading, I think I watch more now.

So now I usually finish the comics first before other books. But I can't even finish more than 2 comics on 1 night. *sigh* I have now 3 books waiting to finish on my bedside: Letters From Iwo Jima, The Language of God & The 47 Ronin. I have read at least 15% of each books. Not to count the one that I got from Gale as my birthday present... And last Sunday I just got another 2 from Gabriel (The Zahir - Paulo Coelho) & Kristian (How to get your prayers answered - forgot the author).

I think I need another hour in a day just to read. Too bad I can't have the 25th hour... But I pray to God that my 24 hour is useful everyday. I have to finish at least one of the books in the next 2 weeks. I have to.

Downloads over Rice?? And scary movie...

2008-07-22T08:53:00.000+07:00

What a day! I slept so well last night after a nice massage after work... Aaaah, should go home early tonight to have another good sleep session since tomorrow I'm going to jog at Senayan after work.

Friday night text-ed Yannie and she said I should come over to her house to copy her downloads. I said I'd think about it. And on Saturday the Japanese lesson started half an hour early, so I decided to go to Yannie's. When I got there the whole family was having lunch (without Yannie, she worked). Funny thing was, her mom offered me lunch, since I was kinda hungry & the maid didn't cook for me at home I took up the offer. Then her father just realized something: "Eh, we don't have anymore rice. Are you cooking now?" (he was asking her mom). Her mom asked something to Kuma, then Kuma went to check on something... she returned with a shocking answer: "Oh, we'll wait until the downloads finish, then we cook the rice."

I was like: "Heh?? Downloads first before rice???" (^o^) ROFL It turned out that they're actually downloading belly dancing lesson for their mom, who showed me a little of what she has learned so far... (though I actually expected to see more). She then made me an instant noodle... which was filled with fishcake, onions & veggie... to my liking... And I asked Kuma: "Wow, this is great! Is this how your mom always made this?" Kuma took a good look inside the bowl and said sadly: "No, never... this is special I think." HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I was a princess for half a day at Yannie's house! Her mom kept bringing something to eat to the room, even Melon syrup in a large glass, with ice! Perfect... Then Kuma mad a request: "Mom, get me some fruit?" to which she answered: "Get it your self!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA So I told Kuma: "It's nicer being a guest rather than being the host! Next time come to my place again, you'll be guest!" I had a really really good laugh over there with Kuma & her mom...

Yannie got home around 4, and brought some ice cream... Yummy... Too bad I had to leave, I had to drop by the office to check on the network, cause HK IT just had some maintenance or upgrade or whatever to it, better check to make sure that everything works before Monday.

Then came Sunday... when I thought I'll be home early to watch the downloads from Yannie (9 DVDs in total). But then my cousin bought me ticket to watch The Dark Knight at PIM 2. My comment: DON'T BRING YOUR CHILDREN TO WATCH THIS MOVIE. It's the darkest and scariest Batman movie I've ever seen. Some kids actually cried in the cinema and their parents had to take them out. All in all, I don't really like the movie. Too much talking and not enough Batman showcase in my opinion... But two thumbs up for the late Heath Ledger. But I definitely won't watch it for the second time...

LOVE IS ALL AROUND...

2008-07-14T09:37:00.000+07:00

Ok.. so yesterday I just turned one year older... twin digits and still single hahaha in the end most people wish the same thing for me: "... that you will find your soul mate soon." Amen.

Really, in my 30something life, this is one of the toughest and the most memorable birthday for me. I can really feel the blessing of friends and family, I feel so loved and overjoyed that I can't stop smiling despite my tiredness & lack of sleep. And no matter how long this post is going to be, I want to try to express my feelings of gratitude with words. I want to thank everyone who has made feel so special with their presence. Here's my story in chronological order... hehehe

I went to sleep quite late on Sat night, preparing the plates, etc. Then woke up at 5 on Sunday to lead in the morning service at 7. Around 6.15 I called my dad on his mobile. Every morning since he was away he called at 6:30am. I didn't want to worry him when he called and no one picked up the phone, cause I forgot to tell him that I'd be in morning service. Apparently my dad didn't realized it's the 13th until I reminded him! And he sounded so guilty... He wished me happy birthday and I told him that some friends were coming over for lunch. He sounded relieved he3x.

Suryo was the winner of birthday sms wish this year! I received his at 12:02... Echa came second at 12:03 and Didi came third at 12:05. But my brother's sms really amused me: "Big sis, I hope you have a happy birthday even without our parents around..." It felt that he really grew up for the past year and since our mom gone. When I got to church around 6:30am I was told that there's already a birthday cake on the fridge, from om Kumis' family. My first birthday cake so early in the morning.

Happy Birthday Gateaux African??? Am I Gateaux African?? *ROFL* The couple is like my parents and their kids also sent me sms. Thanks a lot Om!! You're like my foster parents for me & my bro... I hope you'll keep watching over us.

After the service I invited K' El & K' Atin for lunch, the whole family gave me a birthday kiss on the cheek, I'm so happy. But her present was a big surprise. The cheese on top of the baked macaroni actually read: "Happy B'day Kristin"... And she baked it at 5am in the morning... just for me... K, thanks for always being there with me, in my best & worst moments. When I'm good and when I'm bad. As my mom also entrusted me in your family's care before she's gone, I also pray the best for you in every way.

I rushed home to start the cooking... Believe it or not, I made Fettucine Carbonara & Meat Curry at the same time. Fettucine on the left stove, Meat Curry in the right stove. And the maid helped me prepare the ingredients. But the incoming calls & sms really annoyed me for a second cause they kept interrupting my cooking, but I knew that everybody just wanted to wish the best for me, I should be grateful instead. Ira came around 11:30 when things were almost done. Then I took another shower at 12:00AM (I was sweating like crazy, it was so hot in the kitchen). And we watched Iza Now 2004 Concert while waiting for others to arrive. Around 01:00pm Yannie & Kuma came, hooray!! Look what I got from them!

Tadaaaa! Sabaku no Gaara!! Yay... another thing too add up to my Naruto collection (*_^) Thanks a bunch, buddy!! You always knew how to satisfy my craziness & to keep up with it he3x Really appreciate it. And I love you in all your psycho way!! LoL Btw, how's my carbonara? Is it a OK?

After that we're waiting and waiting and waiting for Gale... since she's the one who's going to bring the other food & rice... Around 1:30pm we can't hold out hunger anymore and we started with the carbonara! Ha3x When Gale arrived, she brought a lot of food! And lookie, the table was full... And she brought Bebe along her! Hahahaha

And I didn't see what she gave me until late night after I finished tidying up the house... She got me a bunch of present and a card in a very nice paper bag! Now I can cross 2 items from my wish list, yay!!

Gale, thanks for the presents, especially for the card! (^_^) When I read it I was alone and ready for bed, but I can feel your sincerity in it. I know you're hoping for the best for me as I'm hoping for the best for you too. Yeah, I'm also expecting more birthdays to celebrate together in the future ;) Oh, since I'm older, please pray that I get married before you do! Hahahahahahahaha *bad joke*

Then people from church started coming... Alex, Suryo, Borah, Didi, Patrick, Sarah, Agus... Later on there's Ezra, K' Atin, K' El, Riri... Gendro came in the evening. And we had a "DURIAN PARTY" He3x When Ratno - the fruitseller in front of my house - heard that it's my birthday, I got these Durians as my birthday present! Hahahaha

Marci also came in the evening, then Echa & Bank Ucok... The house was full! And all the while I "forced" them to watch Arashi concerts & TV shows! LoL My dad called again around 6pm, he's so glad that I had my friends over. And just when I thought that it's almost over, Dini arrived with another cake!

This time no one can touch it anymore... but they managed to wiped clean the Durians & ice creams... We continued to watched DVDs, some were joking, the other were going online & check out their friendster accounts, and it was already 8:30 when they left the house. Ira stayed over to clean up a little with me and transfer some data. By that time I already had a bad headache...

When I opened the gate to drive Ira home, Zainal & Wulan (the fruitsellers' brother & his wife) came over and also gave me a present! I can't sayd anything more but thank you. They're like family to me and I know that they really care about our family. Not to mention that they gave me something that I almost buy a couple of weeks ago, a pair of black Adidas sandal! Yatta!! So I got 2 pair of sandals for my birthday, the other one was from Ira's Mom hehehehe

For those who has brought cakes & presents, thank you so much. As for the others, your SMS, calls & presence are also a beautiful gift in my view. I couldn't ask for anything more. My boss & wife sent sms, little boss called from Hong Kong. It's complete!

Popon: Wish you were here with us! Next time you're coming I'll cook especially for you! Promise... Richie Sambora really misses Bon Jovi... a lot!!! *ROFL*

Valen: Man, after all these years since you're back to San Fransisco, I never thought you still remember my birthday! And thanks for the beautiful message, I wish the best for you and your wife.

Maya: Istri tua gak boleh lupa ultahnya Istri muda! Ntar suami bete loh... *ngakak* Berbagi suami... arigatou!

Ira: Thanks for spending a lot of time for me lately... Appreciate it. I'll come over to see your parents when I'm back to normal hehehe

Marci: WAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA satu2nya wakil dari Plaza B*****O!! Thanks for coming, Cong! I love you! WAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA

After I read and re-read an re-read this entry... I think it sounds strange! Bwahahahahahahahaha MINNA, DOMO ARIGATOU GOZAIMASHITA!!

Slumber Party

2008-07-11T10:55:00.000+07:00

Eventually it's not going to be a lonely week... (^_^)

Ira & Maya are going to sleepover tonight... Kon ban no thema wa... hai, dozo:

OHNO SATOSHI desu!

Hahahahahaha Why him?, 2 reasons:
First, Maya is a huge fan of him since many years ago
Second, I always consider him like a shadow in the group :p until I heard "Take Me Faraway" and the song got stuck in my head. Now Maya is trying her best to turn me into another crazy fan of Ohno_Satoshi! LoL So Ira's just stuck in the middle of "Riida everywhere" situation tonight Bwahahahahahahaaha (^o^)

Can't wait 'till the clock strike 5...

Update [Jul 14]
It wasn't a big success... May was so engrossed in my comics, I was too tired (lack of sleep for the past 3 days) and Ira was the one who kept reminding us the purpose of the sleep over... hahahaha But it was cool, we got to chat until 2am, too bad Maya had to leave early on Saturday :D Girls, let's have another session... and this time for real!! hehehe

Home Alone

2008-07-09T11:56:00.000+07:00

My dad just left this morning to Balikpapan, he'll be there for PON (National Sports Competition). I'll be home alone for a week. And for my birthday. *sigh* I don't feel like celebrating my birthday anyway, I'll be serving in morning service in church on that day (7-9am), and definitely I wanna spend some time by myself. Or maybe I'll have lunch with a couple of friends. Maybe...

However, I was a bit sentimental last night. I met an old friend and that was the first time in my life that I just cried over meeting someone. I hugged her hard, she understood. And I'm thankful for that.

Another 1st time

2008-06-27T14:33:00.001+07:00

Yesterday was supposed to be my mom's birthday. When I woke up in the morning I didn't feel a bit sad, I thought I got over the sentimental part already... well, though not completely. But then I talked to my brother who also celebrated his birthday on the same day. He told me that he's sad to celebrate his birthday by himself for the 1st time. And suddenly I felt so lonely.

My mom was the kind of person who fuss over birthdays and stuff. She always remembered people's birthday and never missed a present or a cake. There will always be some birthday cake of some sort that she bought herself on her birthday :) But yesterday was different. No celebration, no cake, no morning kiss. I tried to think that it must be harder for my brother but still the loneliness was there. It didn't go away.

For the past few weeks I've been thinking about an old friend of mine and I missed her so much, especially yesterday. Perhaps because she knew my mother longer than most of my other close friends and there were moment we spent with each other's family. I long for our time together. I sent her a text message a couple of days before but didn't get a reply until (amazingly) yesterday. And she admitted that she's been thinking of me too. I cried behind the wheel when I read her message.

She also said: "tough time to adjust to a lot of 1st time.." Then I realized that there will be lots of "1st times of something without mom" that I'll go through in the future but I'm glad that my friend understood. I felt that we're connected againafter being away from each other for quite sometime. And it was also the 1st time that I felt so grateful to have someone who understood me even when we're apart. And she has helped me back on my feet again.

Arigatou. You know who you are.

Yatta!

2008-06-26T12:39:00.000+07:00

Woohoo!! Finally... I'm going karaoke tomorrow after work T________T Though this time I'll go with a completely different pack than the usual, I hope it will be another enjoyable karaoke session. Full story & pictures will follow on Monday... hopefully...

PS:
I'm definitely singing A-RA-SHI tomorrow!!!

Hajimete no Kare!

2008-06-09T09:03:00.000+07:00

Not the first curry (or "kare" as the Japanese pronounce it) that I ate but the first kare that I cooked v(^__^)v I've bought the curry blocks sometime ago, but didn't really get the chance to try it. Then yesterday after church I went groceries shopping with dad & thought of finally cook it. When I got home I tried to find the recipe... I knew it's somewhere in Hanalala back issues, but the stupid me didn't even remember which issue hehehe

After trying in vain to find it in the last 10 issues I finally gave up and return to google hahahaha 1st recipe that I found somehow seemed a bit complicated, but the 2nd recipe was much more simple so I tried that one. Sent a text message to Pon-chan & Channel to wish me luck... And voila!! Not exactly the La Huma taste but it will do... Ureshii...

Hot & Healthy

2008-06-06T16:24:00.000+07:00

Woohoo!!!

We're going for a Hot Pot tonight! Trying a place we've never been before somewhere at Senopati with some rare companies :) So far 4 people confirmed, I hope to have more... The more the merrier... the more to eat too...

Add:

In the end there were only the 2 of us, but we enjoyed it anyway ;)

Singing is my remedy

2008-05-29T16:25:00.001+07:00

I just bought a new guitar last Sunday!! Yeah!! It's time to rock again!

Don't get the wrong idea, I'm suck at it! Hahaha At least I knew the keys and am able to play some of my favorite song... in standard that is, not like the records :) It's the singing that helps me tune in with the bad guitar playing.

Since I was little, I love singing so much. Was in School Choir in junior high, school band in high school, the only female singer in college who sings White Lion, Winger, Tesla and those old rock music though when I'm by myself I prefer Danny Tate or Mitch Malloy or Beverley Craven or Joshua Kadison. But mostly I sing in church. I'm an alto but once for a gospel choir competition, we lacked of bass singer so there I was the only female the back with the boys singing the bass part hahaha

I don't think I have a good voice, but my singing mentor (who taught me a lot about music) said that I'm a powerful singer. So whenever I'm singing in a group, they have to turn down my mic's volume and turn up the others! :p Really, it's embarassing sometimes but very helpful when there's a blackout and the mic doesn't work ;0) (another lame excuse...)

Singing is really therapeutic for me. And an indication of my mental state for my parents. My father used to say that he can guess how I'm feeling whenever I sing. I tend to pick songs that suit my feelings at that time. So when I'm being quiet and not make any sound, he said that's an alert for him that I must be feeling real bad or really sick hehehe

Singing also helps me get through the bad times. Even now when I'm feeling lonely and missing my mom so much, I'll sing my heart out and I'll feel much better... though many times I end up crying and can't finish the song. The night before my mom's funeral, I sang a song that I felt describe her life best by her coffin on the last service held by my church. I tried my best to finish it, my voice cracked a little in the end but as the song came to an end... I could feel my mom's presence beside me. I felt at peace.

My voice is not as it used to be, especially since I had sinus & got flu so many times lately. It's a torture for me if I can not sing when I cough or catch cold, I feel soooo down. But whenever possible, I sing. My senior in college used to hate being in the same car with me. You know, I can't help from singing whenever I hear a song that I know. Be it in the mall or the hospital, if I know the song then I'll sing along. In the end he always turned off the radio and played heavy metal - something that I can't sing at all! LoL How stupid can that be.

Well, everybody has a different way to getaway and make themselves feel better. For me, singing is my remedy. Let's rock!!

STRESS MANAGEMENT

2008-05-28T11:06:00.000+07:00

It's getting harder to keep my patience & my mind clear when I'm so stressful. I just don't get why some people can have so little empathy and can give several orders at the same time with "top priority" flags on each order! And last time I check I still have 2 hands, a pair or ears & and 1 mouth which means I can only take 1 call at a time while typing one letter with my 10 fingers. God helps me!

Something to love...

2008-05-26T17:28:00.000+07:00

I want to have a guinea pig as a pet! I've been wanting this cute creature since a few years ago, but my mom didn't want to have another pet at home and I didn't want to piss her off on her condition at that time. But now I just can't wait to have another pet at home other than my dad's fishes! (^__^) It's not that I hate the fishes, it's just that I couldn't hug or caress a fish, can I? Hahahaha

We used to have some dogs until 6 years ago if I'm not mistaken (been too long that I've forgotten). At that time we had to give up our 3 doggies because my father started to have a sensitive skin (he got itchy when bathed them) & had trouble with his eyes (he got a virus or something, I wasn't sure). The doc suggested that we get rid of those hairy creatures... which put me into tears. But at that time I couldn't disagree cause it was my dad who had been taking care of them all the time. I was busy with my own stuff (was still going out a lot with friends hehehe) and then my mom got impatient with them (they were too attached to my dad... I guess it was just jealousy ;)). I asked my dad to give them away while I wasn't at home, but I still cried when I got home and no greetings from the doggies.

Sooooo, I think now is the right time to have one guinea pig as a pet. I think I'll buy it with my brother when he's coming next month... And I want to name it KONOHAMARU LoL Don't you think that they look a like? I just hope that it won't be as naughty as Konohamaru... I don't know, I might change the name, depends on its character but it has to be something Naruto-ish! hahaha

DO I KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH?

2008-05-16T16:25:00.000+07:00

A good friend in church just got married last Saturday, he's 40 and the his bride's 34. We were happy for him, extremely happy... he's a senior and one of the few that we look up to, and knowing his "love history" we're thrilled that he finally decided to get married. And to someone that we think (and he thinks) is far from his "ideal type". Before he told us that he got married, he actually spoke to some of us about his relationship, it was mid January. By end of January, we were asked to be involved in the "wedding committee". And as time got closer to the day, we were getting more and more horified to found out that the bride knew so little of the groom!!

They went out under the bride's family's urge. After a couple of dates and considering their ages, they decided to get married. The groom's family wanted the wedding to be around June or July, to give them some space & enough time to clean the house & prepare everything since they're going to live in the groom's house after the wedding. For some reason, he insisted on his chosen day, which was last Sat. So there it went.

3 months before wedding the groom called me: "Help me pick the menu for the reception!" So he read out the list while I was listening & suggesting what kind of food to pick. My friend behind the wheel raised her eyes and whisper: "Isn't he suppose to ask his bride?" I shrugged my shoulders but 1 question popped in my head: WHY DIDN'T HE ASK HIS MOTHER OR SISTER, OR EVEN HIS BRIDE?

A month before wedding the bride asked me in church: "Where's the reception going to be?" My jaw dropped: "Your wedding is only 1 month away & you had no idea where the reception is? Ask your future husband!" That's question # 2 in my head: DON'T THEY PLAN THE WEDDING TOGETHER?

3 weeks before the wedding, another call from the groom: "We're running out invitation so we have to re-label some of them. I'll fax you the revision of the invitation list." I was a bit irritating cause I have told him over and over again before the invitations go into prints: "Make your invitation list, then you know how many invitations to print! Don't guess!" This is how I had question # 3: DOES HE HAVE ANY PLAN AT ALL?

2 weeks before the wedding, the groom was leading the youth service, a special program - something like a get together with other youth ministry from other churches. The bride jokingly asked if he's nervous because there's his ex-gf among the congregation. In fact, there was, and she was so surprised and urged him to show which one was the girl. I didn't know whether he showed her in the end, but this was one of the thing that got me into some serious thinking and popped a 4th question: "DOES SHE KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH?"

The thing is, the groom was well known for his love life history, inside and outside church. It wasn't much of a problem if all of his relationships were counted as "serious". But to tell the truth, he was quite an opportunist in terms of relationship. I was one of those who actually fell for his trap. It would be a little uncomfortable to talk about it here, but in short: I found out that he also talked about me to other people, and the phrase that completely made me cross him out from the relationship level was: "She's the one offering herself to me, and even though I don't have a feeling for her... well, I'm like a cat being offered a fish for free!" That was when I started to tell myself that next time I decide to have a relationship with a guy, we better have a one on one just to make sure that it's for real and that he really thinks that we're good for each other.

I also knew that he was hitting on my cousin's girlfriend that almost made her & my cousin broke up. And he continously did that everytime he wasn't engaged in any relationship. But the biggest surprise came 1 day after the wedding. One of the girl in the committee told me while we're lunching: "You know, it took time for me to say yes to his request on helping on his wedding... I had a battle inside my heart cause I think he's too heartless to ask for your help! We were all victims to his adventure... Me, you and "X"" When she said X I was stunned... X wasn't just someone that I thought would also fall for his trap. We didn't even think such thing would exist between them! We were like family!

Anyway, apart from the fact that he also asked me to spend a night together in a hotel just 2 months before he declared his relationship with the bride, for whatever reason he wouldn't tell at that time... All the facts were too much of a shock for me. And it makes me even more afraid to start a relationship without at least getting to know each other for a certain period of time. I'm not the kind of person who would dig into my partner's past, but I definitely would want to know what's going on with his previous relationships just like I'd want him to know everything about me. So the next time I heard a negative comment about him, I know how to react and how to handle it and not to become suspicious. Just like my parents.

It's all about honesty... I will never know him well enough if he's not honest to me and vice versa. But it sure is scary to find out that my spouse has a long list on relationship history, and I knew nothing about it at all... 'Till later!

Me and Da Boyz

2008-04-22T12:24:00.000+07:00

This picture was taken after the final World Cup game, on July 9, 2006... when France lost to Italy through penalties (^__^) There were 2 more boys that weren't in the picture. One of them was taking the pic while the other was on the phone with a girl ;) It was a memorable moment... The boys stayed overnight just for the game and the next morning all of us went to work looking like zombies! HAHAHAHA

Since I was little, most of friends are boys. Probably because I was closer to my dad than my mom, or perhaps because most of the cousins that I grew up with are boys. Even in my youth ministry in church, I can't get away from the boys. But the boys in church are special.

I knew most of them since childhood, but there were also some that I knew later when they joined the Youth Ministry. But for those that I can call "brothers", they mean so much more than just church friends. They're (almost) always there in my hard times, and they were there to have fun. And the thing that I love most from them is that they never think of me as a "wonder woman", they consider me a normal girl who can feel weak at times and a woman who needs to cry on their shoulders in a while. And I appreciate th

at. I love them so much.

HE is STRONG when I AM WEAK

2008-04-15T09:23:00.000+07:00

It's Tuesday morning and I feel alright!

My dad's been hospitalized for heart coronary since Monday last week. Many people called and said stuff like: "You should be strong!" "Be patient!" I am OK with all that except that some said it in a pitiful tone, like they're missing this line: "You know, you just lost your mother 1.5 months ago and now your dad is in this situation..." It's not that I'm not grateful for their attention & care, but those words didn't help build my confidence & strength. I'd rather they call and ask if I'm or need someone to talk. Then I'll talk.

I'm not saying that I've been strong in facing all of this. I had a breakdown after my last post, up to the point that I cried almost all the time & couldn't sleep at night and I screamed to my pillow to release my feelings. But you know what made me recover? Because I HAVE A GREAT GOD!! I could feel HIS presence when I was at my lowest point of emotion. No I didn't hear HIS voice speaking to me in darkness. No I didn't see him speaking to me in my dreams. But I could feel HIM stood by me when I turned to HIS WORDS & pray. And HE showed me in so many ways that I AM loved.

Whenever I felt down, there was always somebody who suddenly called and cheered me up or gave me words of encouragement. Either it's friends or families, or even people that I don't feel close to me. For example 2 weeks ago after church I said hi to a lady that I've known since childhood. I kissed her cheeks & all of a sudden she hugged me tightly and whispered in my ears: "Kristin, I can't give you anything else to lighten your burden. But I pray to God every single night that HE will give you a good husband." Another time, a grandmother who always sat at the back in church (because she used a cane) shook my hand and said this when she kissed my cheeks: "I really hope that everything is alright with you and I pray that you will always rejoice and not be sad." I smiled and cried a tear at the same time. I know that it's God's assurance. HE wanted to show me that HE's everywhere. HE wanted to show me that I'm not alone in this

I am not strong. I am not always happy. I am not always wise. I am not always smart. But I have a GOD who gives me strength when I am weak, HE makes me glad when I am sad, HE grants me wisdom when I need it and HE lights a path for me when I'm stuck in darkness. SO, IS THERE A REASON WHY I SHOULD FEEL DISCOURAGED OR DOWN? No there isn't. When you see through the eyes of faith, when you walk through in the path of truth and you open your heart to believe in the impossible, then you will see that GOD IS PRESENT IN MANY KIND OF FORMS for those who believe.

Have a blessed day!!

You'll never be ready for death...

2008-03-24T16:44:00.000+07:00

It's been more than a month since my mom passed away. I got through the first few weeks just fine. But the past 2 weeks had been unbearable for me. I couldn't sleep well, I couldn't do anything well, I couldn't even work well.

There were so many things that reminded me of my mom and put me in misery. I cried in the office's restroom, I cried in the car while driving to work, I cried in church, I cried before I go to bed, I cried everywhere!! My mind is so full of her memories & so many questions why.

My church friend dreamed of her after she died, why didn't I?
My cousin dreamed of her before she died, why didn't I?
My neighbour had a picture with her before she got into the hospital, already so skinny... why couldn't I?
Her friend bought her favorite cake before she fell into coma (though she only managed to eat a spoonful), why didn't I?
My brother & father spent a couple of nights watching her in her hospital bed, why didn't I?
I could list a hundred more "whys" here but that won't help me get ouf of this misery.

Up until the moment that she went into coma, I always thought that somehow a miracle will happen. That we would have another Christmas together and another birthdays to celebrate. But it seemed that my fear of losing her was bigger than my love for her. I thought if I stayed by her side I wouldn't be able to hold my tears from flowing all the time, and I knew that seeing me crying also hurt her so much.

I guess the start of my restless days was what my father said to me while we were talking about her: "You children didn't know how much she was in pain cause she hid it from you. She didn't want to become a burden to you or make you sad. But I knew. I was the only one that she showed her most weak & painful side that you couldn't even imagine." That words hit me to the ground.

Even now I could still feel her small hands in mine when I helped her walk to the bathroom or to the bed. But why can't I remember her hands when she was still healthy.

I could still imagine her face when she was in pain and cold and asked me to put another blanket on her. But why is it so hard to remember her smiling face when we went to the mall or tried eating in a new restaurant?

I could still picture her skinny figure in her too big pyjama when we had dinner. But is it hard to remember the time when she complained that her dress was to tight on her.

I start losing her & my memories of "the good" her. And the thought is torturing me. And it makes me even more afraid...

I guess whatever the way, no matter how long you've been prepared to accept the worse... You'll be never be ready for death. Not ever.

LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST

2008-02-28T12:14:00.000+07:00

Just a few hours after I published my last entry, my mom passed away. And I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital when she drew her last breath. My father, my younger brother, some relatives & my mom’s friends were there with her. She’s gone while they were singing and praying, at 6:50pm. They all said it was a peaceful & beautiful death. I just regretted for not being there at her last moment.

I got out from the office at 5pm sharp, when I got to the parking lot a text message from my brother came. He asked me to forget buying dinner for them and that my mom’s condition was worsened, I better hurry. So I tried to call him back to ask how bad has it become but he wouldn’t answer his mobile. My cousin called instead, saying that it’s still ok, I’d have time to get there to see her. But the traffic was unusually jammed everywhere. Tried to call everybody every 15 mins but no one picked up. I was getting suspicious. Then about 5 mins away from the hospital I got a call from my mom’s friends. Apparently, he received a text message about my mom’s passing away, since he just changed his number he didn’t know whose number it was and called me just to confirmed. I was at a loss. I screamed from the top of my lungs and tears fell from my eyes like waterfall. I was fortunate enough to have a friend in the car, she was going to see my mom too. The moment my car reached the hospital’s gate, I saw my relatives were already waiting for me. I ran all the way to my mom’s room, when I entered the door, my dad’s already waited and stretched out his hand to hold me. I cried like hell and screamed why she wouldn’t wait for me. My dad wouldn’t let me look at her before her body got cleaned up. Then I held her for the last time. Poured my tears over her face for sometime. After that, my brother came to me and hugged me tightly, saying that she still loves me even though she couldn’t wait for me. The family has arranged that her body won’t be brought home, but instead will stay at the hospital until the funeral on Wednesday (waiting for my mom’s brother & sister to come from Manado). I returned home to pick her best dress, her picture & her make-up. I could see that my dad was acting tough for me but deep down inside he’s broken.

The next 3 days was like a dream to me. I still found it hard to accept that my mother has left us despite our acknowledgment of her illness for the past 2 years. I still wanted to spend more time with her. There were several services held by her friends & our church. At those services, people testified about my mother, how she has touched & changed people in her life. And I suddenly felt like I never know my mother all this time.

I always hated my mother’s kindness towards people, I thought it’s too much. If she only has Rp 50.000,- in her pocket and she met someone who needed money, she would give it all to that person despite sharing it. If we have food at home & she felt that we wouldn’t eat them all, she would gave it away to the neighbors or anyone show up at home. I called her SANTA CLAUS. And I hated that part of her. But the truth was, without my knowledge (or my dad’s), she helped so many people out there, especially during her service with Abigail Group. I was so stunned to see that so many people wanted to testify her kindness & gentleness towards others during the services. Men, women, young, old… every one of them were wearing clothes & accessories that my mother bought them. They told stories about how my mom has changed & affected their lives. They all shed tears & felt the emptiness of losing her. I felt so ashamed for hating her the way that I did. I felt that I never tried to understand her at all. I cried even harder after hearing all that.

One week after she got out of the hospital on January, she was in the kitchen with my dad & I. She told us this: “God has blessed us so much during my hospitalization, and we should share the blessings with others. Please help me donate (some amount) to Abigail orphanage. They need the money more than we do.” My dad and I were looking at each other and said: “Yeah, we’ll do that later. More important thing is that you recover first now.” But she kept insisting on donating the money asap. Last Sunday, 6 days after her passing away, I finally gave the money to the orphanage. I felt relieved.

Another message that she told me while she was still able to talk normally was: “Don’t forget the people in church. Feed them, share with them. They all live by God’s grace only and we should be part of it.” I won’t forget this & will try my best to fulfill her wish. If she could do it and had been doing it, why can’t I?

I always told myself to live life to fullest, and felt that I was closer to that. But not until my mom’s gone that I realize how far away I am from living my life to the fullest. I still have empty holes here and there and not able to see the big picture. But my mom has lived her life to the fullest. And it was shown in other people’s life, not by her own words. Well I guess that’s the true meaning of the phrase. I hope you all will live your life to the fullest too.

HOW HARD IT IS TO WAIT...

2008-02-18T17:05:00.001+07:00

Waiting for the life and death of somebody isn’t easy to deal with. Especially if it’s somebody you know very well and very close to. In this case, it’s my mother. She’s been falling into half coma since Friday morning, the day that she was supposed to return home and be with the family for the rest of her life. But it seemed that GOD had another plan for her and for us, her family.

Family & relatives had been staying at the hospital with us most of the time since then. We sang for her, we talked to her, we prayed with her. At one moment my father, brother & myself gathered together beside my mom’s bed. We took turns to talk to her, sang & prayed for her. We cried together and we could see that tears also fell from the corner of her eyes even though she couldn’t respond to us anymore. And before we did that, I had to console my father first, told him that he had to be prepared for whatever GOD wants to decide. And for the first time in my life I saw him crying hard and told me that he couldn’t let go because he could still hear her calling out to him, “PAPI, PAPI!”, that she’s still in pain, how his heart broke to see her so weak and vulnerable like that. I tried so hard no to let my tears fell freely. After that I went inside my mom’s hospital room and asked my uncle to talk to him.

For 3 consecutive days we would take turns in watching her. My dad would stayed at night, brother & I at noon until around 10pm. During those days, I’d go home with my brother or he would go home first (as he had to come earlier than me) so at least there’ll be someone with me when I got home.

But last night I had to leave the hospital early cause I had to work this morning. There were some stuff that I left unconfirmed on Friday when I heard about my mom’s condition. The moment I entered the darkened house, my heart beat so hard. When I entered my room and turned on the lights, all my defenses fell and I cried hard and loud. I screamed from the top my lungs and cried out her name. I yelled: “MAMI, KAKAK SUDAH PULANG!! MAMI, KAKAK KANGEN MAMI!!” ("Mami, I’m home!! Mami, I miss you!!”) It just suddenly dawned on me that my mom might not be there for me anymore. That she might not clean my bedroom anymore (and I would get mad at her cause I’d find trouble to find my stuff), she might not peeked into my room anymore to see whether I’m asleep or not and turn off my lights, she might not annoyed me by barging into my room anymore just to see what do I watch that made me laugh so loud. She might not searched for Naruto bedsheet for me anymore (now that I had 2 sets already), she might not call me at work anymore just to ask me to have a nice dinner after work with her, she might not call me at night anymore just to check how come I haven’t got home at 11pm (and usually I’d turn off my phone and lied that the battery ran out). There could be thousands of things that I could list down of the things that she wouldn’t do for me anymore. That’s when it started to hurt me deeply.

I don’t know how long will I be able to bear this… GOD still holds the privilege to do a miracle despite everything that we see. But if HE decides to call her home to heaven, we all pray that she wouldn’t be in pain & that her soul is saved.

5 more days to my holiday trip...

2007-12-21T13:24:00.000+07:00

Aaaaah, already in a holiday mood! Thank God we have such a long holiday before Christmas though there isn't much that we can do anyway. My dad's side of family has decided to have our family's annual Christmas lunch at my house. They said they'll provide the food, the maid (to clean up the dishes & the house) and everything. The decision came up after considering my mom's condition. They were sure that my parents will go home directly after the Christmas service in the morning, which is true. Though the result from her last check-up on Tuesday was good, she's still needs lotsa rest, especially if the wound feels painful. There's no way we're risking her collapse somewhere far from home, even if it's at a relative's house.

Anyway, I found this cute Prince of Tennis band-aid at Heritage (^__^). It's very cute, isn't it... There's Fuji, Ryoma & Kikumaru's face on it. Too bad there's no Naruto band-aid, only Doraemon.

Ok folks, enjoy your holiday, I'll be here again shortly!!

Jingle Bells...

2007-11-21T12:05:00.000+07:00

9 more days into December! And then it's Christmas time again... how fast time flies... This year the Youth Ministry isn't going to hold its own Christmas celebration as most of us in the committee are busy being involved in our church's Chrismas Service. Unlike previous years where I was always singing or acting or being the secretary, this year I "luckily" get the role to handle multimedia with one of the senior. With my limited knowledge on this field, I have to communicate a lot with the senior and also trying to find out more from the net (@_@). It's not gonna be easy, but it's always interesting to face a new challenge (^__^). We plan to start the cabling the night of Dec 23 after the night service, hopefully it will be done on Dec 24 evening, but we have to be in church on Christmas Day at 7am in the morning as the service starts at 9:30am. I'm thinking of getting aroom in ahotel nearby as there is no way I'm going home late & leave very early, would be too troublesome.

And I just found these pics last week! It's from last year's Youth Ministry Christmas, it was awesome! The theme was "White Christmas in Japan", we decorated our church with white cloth, paper lanterns & twigs... it was great. But the main attraction was the drama... we made a set of Japanese house on the stage, and we even made trailers that we aired every week in Sunday service to promote the program! If you see the pics, I played the role of an evil stepmother, Lady Maruka. Somehow, I always got this kinda role since I was in Sunday School hahaha Do I look that evil?

I bought the pink yukata for myself, the others were borrowed. The guys were wearing my father's yukata & happi. I had to ask my mom to search his entire closet to find those. The guy playing my husband wore the white/blue yukata while the guy playing the maid wore happi. The make up artist was late to so we girls had to do the make up on our own. They guys were hopeless, they did the make up on the last minute. Too bad I can't find better pics that could show the entire decoration and part of the drama.

It was a great celebration. We got to do something different & our pastor was also satisfied with the drama. The message that we were trying to show in the drama was FORGIVENESS. Oh, I also made a blunder. A few seconds before we enter the stage for the 1st scene, the soundman informed us that the PC that has our music score & naration was crashed, so the musicians had to do it live including the naration. The moment we entered the stage, my mind went blank! I just sat there and looked at the other player and said nothing. My mind was completely blank! hahahaha There was supposed some music playing and at a certain drum rolls I had to start my line. Hearing that the recording was crashed and the musicians were playing a totally different tune, I was clueless. I was saved by my "daughter", she took one good look at me and she knew I was lost, so she started with my line. As soon as I heard her, the scenario was back in my head and there was no more mistake until the drama ended v(^0^)v

GIVE THANKS

2007-11-13T15:41:00.000+07:00

October 29 was my dad's 69th birthday. The day before, he got his 8th DAN in Karate and we were very happy for him. In the morning, I left to work as usual, said take care to my parents as they were getting ready to take my mom to the hospital for a check up.

I was having a quick lunch around 2:00PM when I saw a missed call in my mobile. It was from my mom. So I returned the call and she informed me in a very calm manner: "The doctor told us to stop coming. I should just stay at home and to enjoy my time. The cancer already spread everywhere and there's nothing that the doctor can do about it." I just said: " Oh... ok then. How are you feeling now? Ok? I'll se you at home later." I finished my lunch and quickly returned to the office. I didn't cry.

Half an hour later my aunt called and said: "Hey, your mom just called me. Be strong for your parents! I know you can do it." That's when everything came crushing down on me. I ran and cried in the bathroom. I got back to my desk 5 minutes later after washing my face clean, there were a couple of bankers in the office and I didn't want to keep them wondering what's happened to me. 15 minutes later my boss returned to the office after a meeting, he noticed that my eyes were all red and called me into his office. He asked me what's going on, that I should be honest with him. I broke down again when I told him the news. He told me to go home to be with my parents.

While driving home I called K Atin & K El, cried all the way. When I got home my dad wasn't around, only my mom & my aunt. We tried to talk calmly but tears kept falling down uncontrollably. She told me: "I have talked to your brother. I told him to finish his college and learn to stand on his two feet. Your father is strong, I know. You are strong, I know you can handle this well too. But your brother has always been depended on me. I want you to take good care of him when I'm gone. Look after him in my place, teach him to be independent." I was speechless, i just nodded.

Around 6:00PM my uncle & his family came. We held a small service. We sang together while Krissy & I took turns playing the guitar. My uncle preached the Word of God. And we prayed. Not for her recovery, but for us to keep our faith until the end. We made a promise that we could cry as much as we wanted only that day. But the next day we have to stand strong again and be thankful that God has given us this far to be together as family. We still don't know when her time is up, it could take days, weeks, months, even years. But with each passing time, we want to give thanks to God because HE is our source of strength & joy.

Ever since that day, everyday when I get home I always have to take a look at her. Most of the time she would be in pain. I could only give her soothing words and sometimes sat by her bedside. We didn't cry as much but instead we tried to be happy and cherish each moment spent together. Amazingly, it felt great. When you really realize that you don't have much time left, and start to consider each second as a treasure... You will be able to do what you have never had courage to, to say what you've always meant to say, and to live life to the fullest as if there's no tomorrow.

In the end... GIVE THANKS! That you're still breathing when you read this post... (^___^)

2007-10-10T16:38:00.001+07:00

Your Japanese Name Is...

Akako Hosokoawa

What's" your Japanese Name?

Hang in there, Mom!!

2007-10-05T16:28:00.001+07:00

Aaaargggh! I hate Jakarta traffic during the fasting month! There's not a single moment where I could see Sudirman road not packed with vehicles... bankers even got to meetings late most of the time :( This is not funny anymore... the busway feeder developtment is also another reason for the bad traffic, but let's hope it would be finished soon. Or I'll have to be late to work every morning.

Lately, I didn't realize that my mom has lost so much weight. No matter how sick she got, all this time she was always keeping a happy apprearance to me. Perhaps it's my selfishness & my own fear that the more I look at her, the more I will realize how much I have lost my old mom. The more I will understand what she has lost to her illness. The more I will see parts of her slipping away.

Instead of spending more time with her, I've been keeping a distance from her by spending more time in my own room than with her. By keeping myself busy with work, church activites & socializing with my friends. This is not something that I'm proud of, in fact, I'm ashamed of myself. But looks like my fear is greater than my love for her.

A few nights ago I decided to buy dinner on the way home from work so we could have dinner together (my mom, my dad & myself). That's when I saw her dress was slipping off her shoulder. When she turned around to get some rice, I could see the outline of her shoulder bone. I cried silently in my head while trying to keep a smiling face and made some conversations with my dad. I felt so bad and even more ashamed of myself. How many times had she been in pain and instead of trying to soothe her and keep her company during the night; I complained to her that I couldn't sleep listening to her whimpering. Asked her to take her medicine and to go to bed. Instead of sitting there with her in the dark, I brushed her away and cry inside my bedroom. I'M THE BIGGEST COWARD IN THE WORLD!!

Since that very night at the dinner table, I promised myself that I would care more about her. That I would listen to her. That I don't want to have any regrets when the time comes for her to go to heaven. I want to be the best daughter for her and to be daughter that she would not feel ashamed of.

So, despite the bad traffic, last night I went to the mall to buy her a couple of bras. She's been complaining that her underwears have become too large for her, she's not comfortable wearing her bra to church. It took me 1 hour to drive to the Mall (usually 10 mins, from Sudirman to Plaza Senayan), and another frustrating 2.5 hours to get home (usually 45 mins - 1 hour). I felt like I wanna take off my legs and sleep without it!

She was already asleep in her room when I got home around 10:30PM. So I put the bras on her bedside. And all the tiredness paid off when I woke up this morning and met her at the dining room. She had a big smile on her face and said: "The bras are wonderful! They fit me well!". I kept a cool face and said: "Good". But deep down inside, I'm very very glad that I could make her happy even just for a moment.

So... HANG IN THERE, MOM!! I'll always be around for you!!

wrong timing to get sick

2007-08-22T12:42:00.000+07:00

Like the title, I picked the wrong time to get sick... Well, not that I want to get sick! But I didn't think that it's that serious, I thought it's just regular flu 'n cough like I always had. But this time the doc said that I need at least 5 days total rest, downed to 2 days after negotiation, which I can't make anyway no matter what. Aiyah, I have so many things to prpare before the boss going for 2 weeks long Biz trip!! (@_@) But I've promised my mom that I'd stay home during the weekend (except to church). I wish I was in better condition... I really wanna go KARAOKEEEE!!!!!! Channel & Pon, entertain me please!!!!

Movies

2007-08-10T12:12:00.000+07:00

Like I mentioned in the previous entry, I intended to spend my holiday at home... N I did! haha Got to watched a couple of dorama that channel sent me, though I got to say some didn't meet my expectation.

Anyway, I hardly watch movie in the cinema. I just don't enjoy it as much as when I watch it at home. Some movies are better to watch at the cinema, with the great sound and all. But I prefer to enjoy it at home, with more pauses for toilet breaks, bigger seat (my bed, that is), more food & drinks (^_^). But while EL was here, I went out for movies twice in a week! The Simpsons, Harry Potter & The Order of The Phoenix and almost make a hattrick with Die Hard 4! But the last one switched to dinner instead hahaha

And tell you what, I don't remember anymore what movies I've watched at the cinema before that. I remember watched Spiderman at PIM 2 because I didn't really want to watch it but my cousin already bought it for me, so I just had to go. And the boss called a couple of times in the middle of the movie, tried to ignore them until my mom sent me a text message, told me that he was called the house and looked for me ^^;

Then I watched Transformers... twice v(^0^)v First with my little cousins from my mom's side, second time with little cousins from my dad's side. And I really enjoyed both shows... I used to love the cartoon when I was little. I still remember that I wore a brand new red backpack with Tranformers' hologram on my 1st day in Junior High hahaha It was so cool...

Funny though, I was never shy wearing stuff with my fave cartoon character even at this age. I still wear Naruto T-shirt (though it's now handed down to my little cousin since the material is too thick, a bit uncomfortable for me -- but am looking for a new better one), used to have a Daffy Duck & a Tweety shirt... other than that are phone straps (Naruto, Bleach), keychains... Oh, and my biggest obsession not coming true (yet): NARUTO WRISTWATCH!! Oh, I still regretted that day that I listened to Gale not to buy it at the Hilton Matsuri!! (T_T) I even looked for it while in Singapore (both Aug & Nov trips), but it's also sold out. *sigh* me and my Naruto obsession...

Back to movies. I don't think I'm going to watch any movie at the cinema for at least the next 2 months. Nothing interests me. But that, of course, unless a friend or relative buy the ticket for me and I got no choice. Until then, I'll never run out of doramas to watch at home anyway... Channel, you are one helluva supplier!!!

FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

2007-08-03T10:22:00.000+07:00

Hello!!!

It's Friday again and gonna have another long nighttttttt... Plan to go somewhere a bit further from the city since EL will return to his homeland tomorrow :D He just can't wait, 2 weeks is more than enough for him to be in our lovely Jakarta. Too bad he's coming for work, not enough time to browse the city & go a bit outside town where the air is fresher (I hope) and at least not so many malls around (yeah right, says who?). Hopefully next time he could for holiday and we can go on a trip together, that is - with the whole gang (Gale & Wil).

Can't wait for the Governor Election next week... not because I'm that eager to elect, but because it's been decided to be a Public Holiday! Ha3x cruel me. And I plan to spend all day at home, watching movies, reading or just being lazy in my bedroom. I need it very badly, I've had flu for awhile and cough for 3 weeks now (@_@) Wish to take a day leave if possible, but I'm really saving the holiday for the trip at the end of this year. And suddenly... time just pass us by, it's gonna be December in a blink... and I'm so ready to pack and leave! (^o^)

Last Saturday we went out for dinner at this specific place. Being the only one sobber at the end of dinner, and yet everybody claimed that they're fine! But look at this silly pic of Will as a bunny! It was so much fun though. The food was okay, but the most important thing is that we all enjoy the short night out and no work involved! :p

Here are some of the other pics we took... I have chosen the normal ones though, I don't think I want to make the other "crazy pics" public consumption... don't want to get the wrong impression from you folks... now you are curious what pics are they, aren't you? Hahahahaha

Magic Birthday

2007-07-18T11:20:00.000+07:00

Aha! Another year just passed me by last week that made me feel so blessed (^__^). There were some unexpected sms and mails, but also expected sms that never came he3x This year's records: 31 local sms, 1 international sms, 1 e-mail, 3 phone calls, 3 birthday cakes, 1 purse, 1 Gundam Seed note book, 1 bathrobe, a pair of earrings, a book, 2 plushtoys and shopping vouchers. Great, isn't it? If you wonder why I get a bathrobe, I'm wondering myself. It's actually from my friend's children... The older one picked the bathrobe& the younger one picked the color & wrapping paper ha3x They're so cute, they even drew a flower in the card :)

And the winners would be the earrings, book & plushtoys, because it's so amazing how I got to get them. The night before I went to PS with my lil' cousin. We went around the mall and I was thinking to see something at Perlini's. But by the time we got to the stall it was already closed. Before that we went to the bookstore and I was actually holding this book and said to my Sarah: "You know, I really want to know what's inside this book after that article in Newsweek. Shall I buy this or not?" There's something inside that told me NOT to buy it though I really really want to. On the way home I was still thinking about that book.

The next day I sent my messenger to get some stuff from Channel, and what a surprise! I also got a that Perlini's earrings from her & Pon! A couple of hours later Gale sent a driver to my office to deliver my b'day presents. The moment I looked at the goodie bag, I laughed out loud in the lobby! Cause I got a very big Stitch pillow & a small one of him playing ukulele!! My God! Having Stitch plushtoys were one of my biggest obsession! I could never found a nice one in Jakarta before... And when pulled the Stitch from the bag, I saw a book and it was the same book that I almost buy the night before!! Don't you think it's amazing?? (^__^) It's a magic Birthday!

2007-07-10T15:20:00.000+07:00

As always, during school holidays some little cousins consider my bedroom as a place to pass the time by reading or watching movies... This year no exception. Not only those from my father's side, the ones from my mom's side do the same, and if not because of my mom's condition they all want to sleepover (^__^). At least one of them still decides to do so tonight. Well, at least a nine year old girl is still ok to handle.

The 3 Naruto freak siblings went for a vacation to Central Java for a few days with their parents. We just met last Sunday in church and they said they have a surprise for me. The oldest was waiting impatiently for her brothers so they can give whatever they have for me at the same time. But finally she lost her patience and gave me the Naruto figurine that they bought at Jogja! Ha3x The younger bro gave me a hologram keychain of Gaara while the youngest gave me a Neji keychain. All three gave me a kiss on the cheek as a bonus (^o^) that made me feel so loved...

While those 3 were on holiday, I went to see TRANSFORMERS with another 4 cousins and an aunt. Bianda & Nais went with me fro my house. Matt, Cilla & Tante Koes were waiting for us at PIM already. We had a good time together... That was Nais' first visit to Jakarta so she was excited to get together with all of us. I played chaperone as the oldest since my aunt was a softie who couldn't say no the the kids :) I tell you that besides the movie was great, I meant GREAT!, we ate a lot! Errr, not me actually, the kids. From Fried Rice, Pizza, Burgers, Ice Cream, Chocolate Frappucino. I just gave some money to Matt as the oldest & the only boy among the bunch, and he's the one who walked around providing everything that the girls requested he3x And of course, as there were more girls there were also never ending trips to the toilet! Toilet before movie, toilet in the middle of movie, toilet after movie, toilet before eating, toilet after eating, toilet before driving home!! Thank God Bianda was the only 1 who's still in elementary school, the older girls took quite good care of her.

And I missed Youth Service that day... I was planning to have a meal with them after movie, drive them home and return to church. But we actually got home at 09:00PM, if not because I was so tired and they ate too much that they could barely walk to the vallet service they probably would want to stay until midnight!! Here's some pictures we made with my cell phone, we got them printed and everyone kept 1 pic in their wallets (^__^)

another mountain to climb... another battle to fight...

2007-06-13T14:29:00.000+07:00

I don't want this post to be a gloomy post or make you feel down or bad or whatever... but I just want to share my experience and hopefully if you ever feel the same way or experience the same thing, you will all grow stronger in facing life.

2 weeks ago my mom had a stroke. When I entered the house's gate at night after a praying session at church I was a bit surprised to see my cousin's and an anonymous car outside. I could see from the window that my cousin, his son and my dad were crouching down a spot where my mom was supposed to rest at. I felt a twist in my stomach. And when I entered the house I saw my om lying down and unable to move. My cousin said she called him crying around 08PM, said that she couldn't feel her left hand. That night she threw up a couple of times. Around 11PM my cousin left and we all thought she's okay after she took the painkiller. I took a shower and my dad was in the kitchen washing dishes. The moment I stepped out of the bathroom, the living room was already full with the fruit sellers from in front of house, they said my mom collapsed in front my house. She didn't even remember why she went out in the first place.

My dad and I decided to take her to the hospital. I drove while he was holding her at the backseat. We went to Medistra's emergency room. The diagnosis was that she got vertigo, and was allowed to go home after taking a medication around 01:30AM. 3 fruit sellers accompany us at the hospital, I was so grateful for their presence. At least there is someone else to talk to while waiting for my mom's condition to get better. I slept around 02:30AM that night. After that, in 3 days my mom was on and off, when the headache hit, she couldn't even remember my little cousin and my uncle. But she got better after families came and prayed with her during those days. She's still couldn't move her left arm and walked rather unsteadily.

To make a long story short... after a CT Scan and MRI Brain, yesterday morning we finally got confirmation that she had stroke. So many causes and so many things to watch over. But the bad news didn't end there. At night, we went to see the oncologist too see the lab result of the lump on her thigh. Result: the cancer has returned and spread. This time, the only medication that can help is through chemotherapy & radiation at the same time.

My mom and I were both stayed silent in the car. The moment we got home she gotta go the bathroom to wash up because she was bleeding a lot. After that we had a talk with my dad. He seemed so shocked. Then the 3 of us prayed together, and this is like the first time in my whole life to see him so vulnerable and lamented in his prayer. As soon as I said "Amen" he ran to the bathroom to wash his face :) My mom also clearly told us that she doesn't want to to have the chemo or the radiation. This time we're going to fight together in prayer and faith. Whatever will be, we surrendered her life in God's hands. No use to force her for the chemo if it's going to make her depressed.

There are so many mix up feeling that I felt during the last 2,5 weeks. The first thing that hit me was when my little cousin called me and told me sadly that she didn't remember her face when she came. And she was like the closest cousin of mine! And she was the kind of person who remembers everybody's birthday & anniversary! The hit was harder last week when I had to buy diapers for her. She couldn't go back and forth to the bathroom in her condition, thus the decision with diapers. I didn't feel anything when I entered the supermarket or when I spotted the diapers rack. My hand started to tremble when I was trying to decide the right size for the adult diaper. Then I broke down. Never in my life have I imagine that one day I would have to buy diapers for any of my parents. They were both never got sick seriously except for some flu & fever. It's just... never crossed my mind I would eventually have to decide a diaper's size for her.

The first week after the stroke atack, I still felt that the situation was too hard for me. That it's some kind of a burden upon my shoulder. Then wisdom came unsexpectedly from a good friend of mine. She said: "It is a priviledge to be able to take care of your parents because not everybody can do it. I can't do it for my parents, they don't need me. I don't live with them, they have their own money and they can take care of themselves. But you, you have the honour to do something and return the favor to them." The words stung. And I questioned myself, "What have I done to return what they have done for me in my entire 32 years of life?". So this is it. The burden has become lighter now. This is my opportunity to let my parents know how precious they are to me. By taking care of them. And no, it's not that I don't think it's hard anymore, it's still hard. But at least I know that when worse come to worst, I have done everything that I could do for her. Probably not my best, but with all my heart. And I know she undertands. She's trying to be strong and keep a cool surface in front of me & my dad, but I know she broke down inside. She may not be the perfect mother, but she is my mother in every way. I'm not trying to be a saint, I'm so far from one. But when the time has come, I want to be able to say that I am also her daughter in every way.

Monday morning... another battle...

2007-06-11T15:00:00.000+07:00

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

It's been such a hardwork to come to the office on Monday morning lately... Dunno why... probably didn't have enough rest or sleep during the weekends so I felt so tired on Monday morning instead. Anybody feels the same?

Last Saturday was the 1st Saturday in 2 months that I could actually spent the morning on bed :) Though it didn't last long enough, cause I had to leave the house around 12pm anywany. But really, it felt good to be able to wake up knowing that you don't have to hurry for anything, don't need to think what to wear next, and just sleep... the day... away...

Now back to reality... endless phone calls and e-mails... and waiting for another Friday night to arrive and hoping nothing will come up that makes me have to come to work on weekends T______T

NEW BLOG!! NEW POSTS COMIN' UP!!

2007-06-07T16:12:00.000+07:00

Okay... after trying thousands of time to retrieve my password to access my old blog, I finally decided to give up and create a new one... What a waste, remembering that I have posted since 2002 (even though there's a year hiatus, still...) and I think I never change my password!! Tried every possible words that I'm still using and might be using as passwords to no avail. Technology sucks!! In case you wanna see, THIS is my old blog. Title and username not much different, too lazy to think up of different names, already have so much to remember. For example, my office computer log-in account & password (which have to changed every 3 months) and another 2 sets of passwords to enter company's internal site, not to mention passwords for ATM, m-banking, credit cards, several personal e-mails (yeah, I have several... 1 for general usage, 1 for mailing lists only and another one for private), mobile phones, just how many are there I wonder???

Anyway, I have so many things to share but that has to wait until I have enough time and enough capacity in my brain to create a nice entry. And seesh, I'm freezing in this office. So last month the boss was complaining that his room was too hot, which was true, though mine was cold enough. Reported to the building management, somebody came to check, more people came to fix it on weekend, and when I came in on Monday morning I thought I was in the North Pole! T___T The boss' room was fine, not colder then my bedroom at night, I could still manage, but the spare room and the open working space's just totally freezing, I had to travel more often to the ladies room to warm up my hand under the hand dryer! Thank God I wasn't the only one, all the bankers who came to our office complained the same thing. I feel like my fingers are turning into ice cubes a couple of weeks more. Next time I'll just have to dip my fingers in syrup and suck to enjoy some ice cream (^o^).

Lately I lost my passion in books... got several scattered on my bed. Read one a couple of pages, got bored. Take another one, too serious. Take more from the rack, already lost the mood to read. What is wrong with me? This is from ME who can not enter a bookstore without buying a single book or comic. Who can not fall asleep until I read a page or two, even though sometimes I'd snore already after reading a few lines (still do, though). And worst of all, I bought Naruto Shipuuden anime episodes 4 - 10 a month ago and haven't watched it!!! This is scary!! I never got bored with Naruto before!! And I still sleep with his plush toy next to my pillow, I still see his silly smiley face looking back at me from various merchandises in my room, just bought a phone strap with his pictures hanging in 3 levels of chain, I even have a bigger poster of him, Sakura & Sasuke above my TV set!! So why I don't watch the continuation of the series?? I definitely still love this guy! So why??? Poor boy...

And I need some good sleep... so many things happen unexpectedly lately, but I really hope I could sleep away until at least 11:00AM this Saturday. I have to leave the house around 12.30 to attend a friend's holy matrimony where I (might) sing at (if I''m not too lazy to at least have 1 practise with the pianist tonight), then the Youth Ministry service, after that run to an old colleage's wedding before heading to another reception which fortunately just 30 minutes away from home! At least I don't have to spend more time on the road to get home... Ah, I have to fill up the tank tonight, running out of gas. Actually, I'm a person who always fill up the tank in full whenever the indicator's already in the middle. But yesterday when my parents used the car they didn't fill it up, so this morning I was a but in a bad mood when I got in the car and saw the indicator already under halfway. I hate filling up the tank in the morning because of the traffic jam, too much trouble.

Ooooh, and I already had a godson! Ha3x His name is GABRIEL and he just celebrated his 1st birthday on May 15th. He's my friend's son. I just love him so much, most of the time he would fell asleep on me whenever I craddle him, now my friends called me "The King Koil", y'know, the springbed brand? (^_^). I'll post his pic in my next entry. He called his own mother "mama" while I'm "mami". So now I'm a single lady who already has 2 foster children and a godson, how great? I just wish I could see my foster children one of these days, or bring them to Jakarta for a holiday instead of just paying for their tuition monthly. I felt so irresponsible.

Guess I wanna go home ontime tonight... Bad stomach (the monthly stuff) and wanna continue watching the TV shows downloads that Channel sent me. Bye...